Education in Malaysia

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Batu Pahat High School, Johor

Schools in Malaysia educate the children primarily about the smatijove, and also to become high achievers; eg. to be able to create the HIGHEST pile of pirated VCDs, the LONGEST line of cows, or even the BIGGEST Ramly burger. To achieve the best of the best results, school children are made to carry huge bags containing books that must weigh at least 57% of said child's own body weight. This builds up their back muscles and backbone so that they will not only look great, but have excellent overall posture. If you disagree with this, you are not patriotic! Note that much like in the military, students are required to wake up at 0600 hours every day. Uniforms are specially designed for dual purposes: firstly, to look as unattractive as humanly possible (because to have clothes that actually fit would be a sin, although some die-hard Malaysians claim that the normal uniform, which covers all parts of the body except the face and the hands, is already far too sexy). The uniform also functions as a portable torture device, trapping students in their own body heat in a country that is already close to 38°C on a normal day. Some schools go the extra mile by forcing some to wear blazers on top of their uniform. Efficiency of the uniform is maximized by strict rules against untucked shirts or rolled-up sleeves. Name tags are also utilized so that teachers don't actually have to remember your name.

The teachers in school have total control of you. They can whip, rotan, and smack you like there's no tomorrow when you do something stupid, such as forgetting to bring your name tag. No, you cannot sue a teacher, because your parents will never be on your side. Rest assured, though, that students do fight back. A popular way of coping with disciplinary action is to take drugs in the toilet, go back to the teacher's office and stab the teacher with a pair of scissors (I am not kidding).

The education system will at one point stream the children according to what they're "good at". Children who are weird or nerdy will be streamed towards science, while those who are too stupid to amount to anything useful will be streamed to the arts. Those who are only good at sports... well, who cares. As you can see, the Malaysian education system is kind enough to dictate your future for you.

In accordance with the institutionalized racism practiced in Malaysia (officially known as "Bumiputra Rights", where special privileges are given to the majority of the population), exam scores do not actually matter in examinations. Often you will see non-bumiputra students getting 7A's for their SPM (the Malaysian equivalent of the SAT's) finally working as pirated vcd sellers, while bumiputra students are given a free ride to study overseas, with their single A's. Malaysia is a one-of-a-kind country; it is probably the only place in the world where one has to fill in their race when sitting for a public examination. Upon writing 'bumiputra', you are automatically granted sixty marks. Bizarrely, non-bumiputras generally still manage to get the highest scores in the country.

After School Tuition is a must, as school teachers are generally too incompetent to teach their students anything useful. All Malaysian students must go to tuition classes to get the latest leaks in exams.

The education system of Malaysia is unique, being the only system in the world to penalize high achievers and reward idiots. Brains are exported overseas while the least brightest are nurtured locally, which is the main reason why Malaysians will be unable to differentiate between left and right by 2020. All Malaysians attend 11 years of compulsory brainwashing at government facilities called public schools. Upon graduating, ethnic Malays either enroll in top-quality world class Malaysian universities or creativity classes such as The Art of Mat Rempit and The Basics of Porno DVD Production, while non-Malays generally get the fuck out of the country.


A student sitting for the SPM examination is analogous to a cow, as this examination assesses the ability of students to swallow and regurgitate information. Subjects can be easily passed by memorizing the textbook without actually understanding anything. While other international examinations are increasing in standard every year, the SPM examination has shown a steady decline since the 70's. The reason is simple: if the standard is lowered, more students (Malays) will be able to score A's, and this would appear as if Malaysians are getting smarter every year.

For example, take a look at actual questions for SPM Math:

  • 1960s: The equation 3x^2+px+120=0, where p >0 has roots α and β. α-β=3. Evaluate the value of p and (αβ)^2. Hence, calculate the third derivative of y=3x^2+px+120.
  • 1980s: The quadratic equation x^2+px+q=0 has roots -2 and 6. Find the value of (p+q), hence, form a quadratic equation with roots p, q.
  • 2000s: A quadratic equation has the roots 2 and 3. State the sum of 2 and 3.
  • 2020s: If the number 2 is a color, would you like that color? Why?

The SPM has 6 compulsory subjects: Malay, substandard English, 'Modern' Math, Immoral Education for the kaffirs and Plane Hijacking for Muslims, PseudoScience and Fabricated History.

While Bumis learn how to slam planes into buildings, non-Muslim students have to tolerate 2 years of ineffective brainwashing during Moral lessons. The dynamics behind Moral Studies is simple: if you can memorize a pre-determined definition of a pre-determined "moral value", this means that you are a good person. If you cannot memorize the definitions, then you deserve to burn in hell.

Civics was introduced in 2005 by heroic politicians concerned for students' welfare , as well as teaching the students to love Malaysia ("Malaysia" is synonymous with "National Party") . Through the textbooks, Malaysian students are taught that Malaysia is a peaceful and multi-racial country unlike the US, where only whities exist (incidentally, this is also the lie given to tourists who otherwise could not be convinced to visit Malaysia instead of its slightly less backward neighbour, Singapore). Unfortunately, the lessons have backfired, as students largely use the lessons to catch up on sleep.

To protect young minds from the horrors of real life, "Sejarah", which is a parody of History, is also taught in schools. Topics included are Islam, Islam, the history of Islam, the contributions of Islam, Ways In Which The Sultans Of Old Whored Out The Country For A Few Pieces Of Gold, Malays, contributions of Malays, Why We Like Islam, and a short chapter briefly explaining all other historical events on earth since the beginning of man.

Language Dillema

Following a policy reversal of teaching Math and Science in English, nation-wide SPM test scores for rural areas increased by 0.005%, which government experts claim has huge significance even though most citizens in rural areas never have, and never will, travel more than 6.5 kilometers outside of their home town. Universities outside the country refuse to accept any SPM candidates and the Malaysian university ranking has plummeted another 20 places, sitting behind Zimbabwe, Nigeria and Somalia.


Confusion strikes Najib

Cellphones in School


A Malaysian secondary school class photo. All but one lady sitting in the back row are wearing the baju kurung who is the teacher of the class.

Malaysia is the one and only country where the Education Minister initially suggested that cellphones be allowed in schools, citing several benefits, only to change his mind just a few days later. Some reasons for the ban are that teachers worry about exposing too much cleavage, only to have the students take a shot and report it. Another worry is that students seem to like sending crude messages and disturbing pictures to each other after finishing their test papers too early and have another 2 hours to wait..

URM (Universiti Rasuah Malaysia)

Due to high demands, a new campus at Kuala Lumpur is now open. Required education for Datuks, Tan Sris, YB's, etc., both current and future. Courses available are:

  1. Foundation Study of Rasuah - It only takes a year to build up some basic skills (ie: apple-polishing, bargaining with police, playing golf with big people, and many more), this course will be conducted in Rojak (a mixture of six languages, more practical) and we have experts to guide you.
  2. Datukship - We teach you the methods to becoming a Datuk, Tan Sri, etc. You need a semester for this lah.
  3. Making a Fortune - We teach you 'government connections'. Three semesters are needed and you will be guided by ex-politicians/ex-businessmen (senior), to help you make a fortune in Malaysia.
  4. Foundation of Material Inspection - The one and only course which offers a"close one eye" inspection skill on buildings and amenities. Sign of a successful inspection are leakage, collapsing structures, mess up wires, etc...
  5. Certificate in Smartijove studies - Apply early as this space is quickily filled up every year. Quota: 99% Malays, 1% non-malays and other indegeneous people.
  6. Diploma in Racism - The only professor is Babi Hamaludin and nazi ass-is. You will be taught how to fuck over the Chinese and Indians
  7. Diploma in Politicism - We will teach you how to become a successful and influential politician, how to say "1Malaysia!" while simultaneously fucking the Chinks and Indian bastards up the ass, and how to deal with those annoying Al-Jazeera bitches that keep calling Malaysia an un-democratic country. Those who know how to pronounce "election" as "erection" will have a higher chance of being accepted.
  8. Ph. D in Mahathirism & Melayu-ism - Doing researches about important Malaysian subjects such as Money Politics, Ketuanan Melayu, Pendatang-ism, Melayu-ism and Dictatorshipism.

For more information, please call Kerishamuddin through mail to Kementerian Seks Malaysia.

IPTA (Public University)

Standard Bumiputra Rights apply.

Kolej (College)

Malaysia has private universities colleges such as Monash and Taylor's Kolej (College). The lecturers speak in half broken english and the mispronounciations are hilarious. They claim to have PHDs and Doctorates but, usually bought from diploma such as Irish International University (which Ireland claims to have no knowledge of). Any questions they don't know the answer to will be answered: "cannot" + "lah" at the end.

Shorts and sandals are considered to be the uniform of most commoners. Shoes and proper clothings that you didn't sleep in are frowned upon. Kolej students spend their time in non-sexual relations such as mamak eating group massacres (ie: a group of 20+ malays to go eat at a local mamak) here they discuss their school work and watch wrestling.

Kolej in Malaysia is equivalent to a flea market in the hood; people are most likely to sell you something in between classes. They'll have excuses like "it's for charity" or some shit but we all know the money goes to the Chinese cook thats grinning behind the cafeteria booth. Everything costs extra money; your fees are not enough.

DISCLAIMER: The chinky chong who wrote this article has no PhD himself, neither has he done any research or has any publications in his life, but reserves the right to criticize the rest of the country. What about his broken english you say? It's called "chinklish", which he thinks is proper. To justify himself, Chinky ass here carries a certificate from his chinky sharman that says he has the widespread Bodohland-CHINK slit eye disease called Syok sendiri aka head up own ass syndrome.

DISCLAIMER-DISCLAIMER: The above racist fascist pig has obviously no merit to his argument and thus you may now disregard it and retain your (obviously biased) view on local Unis in Malaysia. He is also probably Malay and therefore does not recognize 'Freedom of speech' for other people, though he obviously exercises his freedom of speech. He probably thinks it's his Allah-given right.

THIRD DISCLAIMER: The shorts and sandals thing is true, though. Also I've fixed up the English a bit.


Art Colleges

Art students in Malaysia are not allow to study human body drawing, it was banned some 20 years ago because the government see it as GATAL (erotic, dirty and lustful). No no, you are not allow to see nudes (that explains why the country is so desperate about pr0n on the internet). If you go to an art college in Malaysia, human anatomy sessions mean drawing male models wearing football pants. The Malay-Muslim art students are also not allowed to draw women wearing the Malay traditional sarong, because that is also consider GATAL. Today, there is a controversy going on. Malay-Muslim art students came up with a brilliant idea of drawing invisible women dressed only in Victoria Secret panties and bras. Whether or not this will be allowed or banned, we shall know in the near future.

Government Scholarship

Again, standards Bumiputra Rights apply.

The UnBiased Government of Malaysia

  1. Of the five major banks, only one is multi-racial, the rest are controlled by Malays.
  2. 99% of Petronas directors are Malays.
  3. 3% of Petronas employees are Chinese.
  4. 99% of 2000 Petronas gasoline stations are owned by Malays.
  5. 100% all contractors working under Petronas projects must be of Bumis status.
  6. 0% of non-Malay staff are legally required in Malay companies. But there must be 30% Malay staffs in Chinese companies.
  7. 5% of all new intake for government police, nurses, army, are non-Malays.
  8. 2% is the present Chinese staff in Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF), a drop from 40% in 1960.
  9. 2% is the percentage of non-Malay government servants in Putrajaya, but Malays make up 98%.
  10. 7% is the percentage of Chinese government servants in the entire government (in 2004); a drop from 30% in 1960.
  11. 95% of government contracts are given to Malays.
  12. 100% all business licensees are controlled by Malay government, e.g. Taxi permits, Approved permits, etc.
  13. 80% of the Chinese rice millers in Kedah had to be sold to Malay controlled Bernas in 1980s. Otherwise, life is made difficult for Chinese rice millers.
  14. 100 big companies set up, owned and managed by Chinese Malaysians were taken over by government, and later managed by Malays since 1970s, e.g. UTC, UMBC, MISC, etc.
  15. At least 10 Chinese owned bus companies (throughout Malaysia in the past 40 years) had to be sold to MARA or other Malay transport companies due to rejection by Malay authorities to Chinese applications for bus routes and rejection for their applications for new buses.
  16. Two Chinese taxi drivers were barred from driving in Johor Larkin bus station. There are about 30 taxi drivers and three were Chinese in Oct. 2004. Spoiling taxi club properties was the reason given.
  17. 0 non-Malays are allowed to get shop lots in the new Muar bus station (Nov. 2004).
  18. 8000 billion ringgit is the total amount the government channeled to Malay pockets through ASB, ASN, MARA, privatization of government agencies, Tabung Haji etc, through NEP over a 34 years period.
  19. 48 Chinese primary schools closed down from 1968 - 2000.
  20. 144 Indian primary schools closed down from 1968 - 2000.
  21. 2637 Malay primary schools built from 1968 - 2000.
  22. 2.5% is government budget for Chinese primary schools. Indian schools got only 1%, Malay schools got 96.5%.
  23. While a Chinese parent with RM1000 salary (monthly) cannot get school textbook loan, a Malay parent with RM2000 salary is eligible.
  24. All 10 public university vice chancellors are Malay.
  25. 5% of the government universities’ lecturers are of non-Malay origins. This percentage has been reduced from about 70% in 1965 to only 5% in 2004.
  26. Only 5% has been given to non-Malays for government scholarships in over 40 years.
  27. No Chinese or Indians were sent to Japan and Korea under the “Look East Policy.”
  28. 128 STPM Chinese top students could not get into the course to which they aspired, i.e. Medicine. (2004)
  29. 10% quotas are in place for non-Bumi students for MARA science schools beginning in 2003, but only 7% are filled. Before that it was 100% Malays.
  30. 50 cases in which Chinese and Indian Malaysians are beaten up in the National Service program in 2003.
  31. 25% of the Malaysian population was Chinese in 2004, a drop from 45% in 1957.
  32. 7% of the Malaysian population is Indian (2004), a drop from 12% in 1957.
  33. 2 million Chinese Malaysians have emigrated in the past 40 years.
  34. 0.5 million Indian Malaysians have emigrated overseas.
  35. 3 millions Indonesians have migrated to Malaysia and become Malaysian citizens with Bumis status.
  36. 600,000 Chinese and Indian Malaysians with red IC were rejected repeatedly when applying for citizenship in the past 40 years. Perhaps 60% of them had already passed away due to old age. This shows racism, based on how easily Indonesians got their citizenships compared with the Chinese and Indians.
  37. 5% - 15% discount for a Malay to buy a house, regardless whether the Malay is rich or poor.
  38. 2% is what new Chinese villages get, compared with 98% - what Malay villages got for rural development budget.
  39. 50 road names (at least) had been changed from Chinese names to other names.
  40. 1 Dewan Gan Boon Leong (in Malacca) was altered to another name (e.g. Dewan Serbaguna or something like that) when it was only officially used for a few days. The government tries to shun Chinese names. This example of racism occurred around 2000.
  41. No temples/churches were built for each housing estate. But every housing estate got at least one mosque/surau built.
  42. 3000 mosques/surau were built in all housing estates throughout Malaysia since 1970. No temples or churches are required to be built in housing estates.
  43. 1 Catholic church in Shah Alam took 20 years to apply to have a building constructed. But they were told by Malay authority that it must look like a factory and not like a church. As of 2004 the application still have not been approved.
  44. 1 publishing of Bible in Iban language banned (in 2002).
  45. 0 of the government TV stations (RTM1, RTM2, TV3) are directors of non-Malay origin.
  46. 30 government produced TV dramas and films always showed that the bad guys had Chinese faces, and the good guys had Malay faces. You can check it out since 1970s. Recent years, this has become less of a tendency.
  47. 10 times, at least, Malays (especially Umno) had threatened to massacre the Chinese Malaysians using May 13, since 1969.
  48. 20 constituencies won by DAP would not get funds from the government to develop. These Chinese majority constituencies would be the last to be developed.
  49. 100 constituencies (parliaments and states) had been racially re-delineated so Chinese votes were diluted for Chinese candidates. This is one of the main reasons why DAP candidates have consistently lost in elections since the 1970s.
  50. Only 3 out of 12 human rights items are ratified by the Malaysian government since 1960.
  51. No treaty on elimination of all forms of racial discrimination (UN Human Rights) has been ratified yet by Malaysian government since 1960s.
  52. 20 reported cases whereby Malay ambulance attendances treated Chinese patients inhumanely, and Malay government hospital staffs purposely delayed attending to Chinese patients in 2003. Unreported cases may be 200.
  53. 50 cases each year whereby Chinese, especially Chinese youths, are being beaten up by Malay youths in public places. Police reports may be checked to verify this, provided the police took the report, otherwise there will be no record.
  54. 20 cases every year whereby Chinese drivers who accidentally knocked down Malays were seriously assaulted or killed by Malays.
  55. 12% is what ASB/ASN got per annum while banks fixed deposits are only about 3.5% per annum.
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