Edinburgh
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| WARNING This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly. Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. | 
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“I often think of Edinburgh as the Athens of the north, the sexualy suggestive hoots from builders and that rundown feel thats caused by more than just open sewers”
~ Oscar Wilde on Edinburgh
“I ushed tae go and shit in Prinshes Shtreet Gardensh every shingle day”
~ Sean Connery on Edinburgh
“Nobody wants them”
~ Captain Obvious on Trams in Edinburgh
“There is too much random shite on this page”
~ Me, ya cunt on Edinburgh
Edinburgh, or, to give it its technical name, Edin mu pont frexis a la monte, is the fifth largest of the seven mobile cities of the World. Currently broken down on the outskirts of Aberdeen in Scotland, the city is now showing extensive wind, rain, and bagpipe damage.
Edinburgh has been at war with Scotland's largest city Glasgow, home to anne ward(the stunning ginger) ever since 1989 when, after a crankshaft failure, the west coast city came to a halt, crushing the entire centre of the ill-fated Scottish capital. While Glasgow has since recovered from the damage caused, enough even to win the Nobel Peace Prize in 2003, feelings between the two cities are at an all-time low. Violence escalated recently when Edinburgh Castle (not to be confused with Stirling Castle) was replaced by a jelly sculpture of Oscar Wilde by a pair of mischievous Glaswegians. However, the Arch-Rabbi of Edinburgh, Lionel Blue, remains confident that peace talks with Glasgow will be successful, and that the city will be able to maneuver out of its current location by mid-2011.
Edinburgh's primary export is wind, which it manufactures in its many picturesque streets. It is arguably most notorious for being a self-confessed showcase capital by the Scottish Executive, who in effect, ethnically cleanse the working class, relocating them to freeze and starve to death in shanty towns such as Armadale, Grangemouth, Falkirk, Motherwell and Liechtenstein, the few who are actually lucky enough to be allowed to live within the city boundaries are kept in secret areas on the outskirts of town such as Muirhouse and Wester Hailes, far from the public eye. Because of this, Edinburgh is quite often accused by some common stinking scaffie lower class scum folk as being 'snobby'. Where the hell did the soap dodging cunts get that idea from...
Scotland's capital city is also known around the World for its tarmac (or asphalt). Currently sold in 5, 10 or 15 kilogram pieces on the Royal Mile, Edinburgh tarmac is in high demand from locals and tourists alike. In fact so much tarmac is sold that on certain streets, cobbles can be seen poking through, often leading to heavy criticism of The City of Edinburgh District Council roads department.
Edinburgh is a satellite neighbourhood of nearby Dalkeith and orbits on a 7.1 mile radius around the heavily-mined southern Lothian town. Once every fifteen years the view of the Forth Road Bridge from Edinburgh castle is completely blocked-out for 1,327 hours as Dalkeith, and all the mining structures it still has, gets in the way.
Some cunt has deleted ma picture and ma Miscellaneous Facts section, ...why pal?
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[edit] History
Edinburgh was the fifth mobile city to be constructed, and was built in Norway in 1762 as part of an elaborate tax dodge.
Since it's creation Edinburgh has travelled to every continent on the Globe, except Euthanasia, from which all Mobile Cities are banned, due to laws against immigration. In 1932 Edinburgh secured the accolade of being the first mobile city to have broken down due due to complete engine failure. Scotland's west coast city Glasgow has also experienced mechanical problems, but due to more frequent servicing, it seems to have a better reliability record than Edinburgh.
The poet Robert Burns once spent three weeks in Edinburgh looking for his hat. It is a little known fact that he also spent three days trying to decide what socks to buy. He eventually settled for a novelty kilt towel.
During the mid 20th century, Edinburgh's gravitational field inverted causing most of the city's population to walk on their heads. The phenomenon has been blamed on God trying to circular breathes.
It is A little Known fact that Edinburgh Is the birth Place of Gangsta Rap. Rabbie Burns was Spitting way before Tupac and Biggie Smalls. Producing many memorable hits. Such as "Oh Flower Of Scotland I Would Like To Prod Thee With My Nine Inch" and The Ever Popular "Shawty Wanna lick me Like Edinburgh Rock" this is belived to be the inspiration for "Lollipop" by "Lil' Wayne". Also the ever popular "Got urself a very respectable looking silver broach from the blacksmiths doon the way" belived to be inspiration for "Nas's" hit "got urself a ...gun" Rab had influence on many rappers of today, Even T-pains "Im in love with a stripper" was a cover of Rabbie Burns's "Im in love with a wee lassie doon the Whoore Hoose." However Rabbie's Music was Critisized by Critics after the Release of "Crank Dat Rabbie burns" claiming lyrics where crude:
"Rabbie Burns up in this oh, Watch Me pump this Dirty Ho, watch me drink this Irn Bru then Bitch slap that Ho!"
Edinburgh disappeared in 1988 but was found again by Sir Evil Knieval, 2nd Earl of Colinton Mains in 1993. It has been rumoured that David Copperfield was behind its disappearance. Prick.
[edit] Common Edinburgh quotes
“ see these buckin' trams!”
~ Everyone in Edinburgh
“ ken pal ..”
~ Something Edinburgh folk say to irritate and confuse Glaswegians
“ yer ma ..”
~ all teens
“ yer a raj ken ..”
~ A greeting most commonly heard in the Wester Hailes suburbs of Edinburgh
“ yer a raj gaj ken ..”
~ A greeting most commonly heard in the Pilton suburbs of Edinburgh
[edit] Gangs and their Leaders
Edinburgh gang members cannot differentiate between 'there' and 'their'. This is why their mothers keep saying that they'll never amount to anything. Gangs can be found in any area of the city, from the posh little working-class wannabes of Morningside to the stinking benefit thieving tracksuit uniformed violent critters of Pilton. GANG WARNING = If you hear a delinquent shouting "Tongs Ya Bass!" or "Toi!" or even "Posso Fleeto!".........RUN LIKE FUCK! as they are glaswegians looking for new clothes and faces to rip.
[edit] Texan Influences
Vice Admiral Commander George Bush XVI of the Mobile ChronoRetrevial Squadron of the Imperial Regime of Texas's Super Royal Time Correction Force Delta 5 Omega traveled to Norway in the early 1760's to fully fund and provide the plans for Edinburgh. The mechanisms in the city were set so that on December 21, 2012, the city would awaken as Texas's vehicle for conquest.
[edit] Tourist Attractions
- Albert Street a hang out for many jakes in the area, if you live here god bless you!.
- The Scot Monument, Scotland's failed attempt at a space rocket.
- The Emos who hang out at Hunter Square (recently renamed Emo Square or Munter's Square).
- Me standing right over there, with that bottle of Buckfast
- The Junkies in the toilets at Hunters Square.
- Blood stained streets on Lothian road early hours of a Saturday morning after the hell disaster carnage that is a Friday night out in Scotlands capital.
- The Scene Kids around the corner from hunter square (Now in control of the Goth Mafia)
- Forrester Park the birth place of L Crabbe who infected 38% of the world population with genital lice and gave the name to the disease i.e. crabs.
- Grant Stott, Edinburgh's only celebrity besides The Proclaimers.
- New language Petrolanish only spoken at Budget on Stevenson road by the new manager "Budgie". Language name roughly translates to talk a lot of shiteish. Although he will approach you black and ranting in petrolanish tongues he is harmless really although it is not advisable to let him touch you with his fingers.
- Easter Road-- Home of the ugly, smelliest, junkie outcasts of the city.
- Gorgie- Land of genetic anomalies caused by the local brewery spouting foul chemicals into the air. Known to attract unsavory characters including Graham Rix and Gary MacKay.
Watching the nuttters from the royal ed giving greif to the genteel morningside grannies.
- New disease also discovered infecting a young man of 19 who is on display at the museum in the city. Disease has now been named as waynecannaepasshistestium. Doctors think it a close relative of the older virus marymoanaboothercardium.
- Oxgangs a large highly guarded area to the west of the city, which is inhabited by a smelly disfigured alien species.
- Linlithgow a town to the west of the city inhabited by an inbred moronic species with their heads stuck up their arses. Famous for the art of cardboard boat making.
- The Goth Mafia on Cockburn Street (named after a famous Morningside medical condition, but locals pretend it is pronounced co-burn).
- The Neds who run about hitting anyone who doesn't have a collection of Adidas hoodies.
- Muirhouse: Literally the city's most fanastic tourist murder site
- Edinburgh park: the most evil place on earth
- South Queensferry: The land of the Fairies - this gentle village just outside Edinburgh is seen as a refuge to buddhist monks in the racist capital.
- Leith: Abandon all hope all ye who enter here...
- Note: The Drunkards and the Scene Kids are in a monthly rotation between Hunter's and Bristo square.
- Legend has it that if you go to the outskirts of Edinburgh you will encounter a fat smelly almost gorilla like creature in the area surrounding ladywell Livingston. If you come across this creature please do not approach but run as fast as you can as it carries all kinds of diseases and will not hesitate to attack you
- Conor Tiernan found in Pollock halls is one of Edinburgh's most renowned lashers and is a must see for any tourists!
- The Meadows - an area of grass land in the city which was the start point for every single episode of Treasure Hunt, until Anneka Rice's helicopter was overrun by neds.
- Mr. Roboto - The Famous Robot-Man Dancer
- Salisbury Crags - a big cliff overlooking the City. Several episodes of Doctor Who were filmed here until pub closing when drunken locals mistook the Tardis for the Hunter Square toilets, causing Tom Baker to invade Princes Street with badly made-up extras.
- Leith Walk - many tourists take a stroll down to the 'Fit o' the Walk' hoping to find Shangri-La, but find only Mr Pickles, the mad drunk who was the star of the Leith State Circus over 20 years ago, who can still somersault over the bench outside the solicitors' office without spilling his can of Special Brew.
- St James Shopping Centre, world renowned for its thatspurebrutalist architecture.
- The immigrant neds of Southside.
- The newly introduced "Stress Tour", operated by Lothian Buses. Buses depart from Corstorphine every half hour and take you all the way to Newhaven on a painstakingly madcap route of tramwork diverted roads. £9 adults, £3 child. 'Nervous breakdown or your money back!'
- Len Dahand and Carrie Oakey, two humorous characters created by Lothian Buses to advertise bus passes.
- Royal Yacht Belgrano, permanently berthed at Leith Docks.
- Stacy Rodger - well known throughout many of the sporting teams of edinburgh university
- A senior Haruhiist by the name of Kirjava or his alias Arianhod is known to dwell within his doomsday fortress of Marchmont Prime.
- Leith - Home of the Hibs team that won the Scottish Cup in 1902...and have never won it since. Unlike Hearts, who can actually make it past the second round without bottling it.
- Lothian Busses, home of the infamous 'Jesus Lady' who can be found muttering to herself and to you if you choose to listen.
- Patrick John Anderson - a charming upper class hobo who lives in an old fiesta with his dog behind the Rutland Hotel.
Pissing in the doorway of the Canny Mans
