The Edge
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“The Edge? Yeah right!”
~ Bill Bailey on The Edge
“Whoo ... better be careful not to fall”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Edge
“Livin' on The Edge”
~ Steven Tyler on cannibalism
“You think you know me.... You THINK... you know me.... YOU... THINK... you know me...”
~ Edge on people knowing him
“Hey! Shave the dude before he steals my beard!”
~ Ryan Dunn on Edge's beard
“of course I'M in Love with You darlING”
~ The Edge on Lita
“Thank you, never fucking do that again”
~ Ryan Dunn on Edge shaving his beard
“If Edge has to go to the bathroom he has to raise his hand”
~ Jeff Hardy on Edge's potty training
“Vickie Guerrero, she looks like a pig!”
~ Santino Marella on Edge's fat wife
“YOU SUNCSHS OF AAR BITSCHS!”
~ Edge on Everyone
“I need to create someone of my image.”
~ God on on Edge
The Edge, and his chin, are actually the most awesome power couple in the WWE. He is currently burning in hell, working on his tan and enjoying the view.
The Edge (born King Edge the Awesome) is guitarist of Irish chincore group U2. He is also a superhero and professional wrestler as well as the inventor of Awesomeness. The Edge has gone through a lot of aliases such as The Ledge, The Spike, The Lotus, The Sting, Coolman, The Cool, The Heath LEdger, The Joe Satriani, The Police, The Phenomenon, Sonic The HEdgehog and Peter Criss.
The Edge's nickname was created when he was 12 years old. He named himself Edge and stroked his chin to an amazing size. He currently ONLY uses 5 second poses and if he didn't have one he would be booed of stage. He aligns him self with fellow awesome people who screw other people over like Randy Orton
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[edit] The Edge vs. The Pink Floyd
The Edge is the official inventor of the 5 Second Pose despite Adult Contemporary musicians Pink Floyd having tried to claim the idea theirs. Researchers and real scientists have come to the conclusion that Edge originated this trend but never the less the legal dispute has lasted for centuries now and Pink Floyd have claimed that they will not rest until they have full rights of the craze. Syd Barret said "AAAAAAAAA!" on the matter. Many have pointed out the fact that Pink Floyd where making music many years before Edge but this has just raised more questions on the authenticy of Pink Floyds music.
Sound samples for your own judgement.
The Edge - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (1987) (with Bono on tamborine)
Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall (Part 1) (1979)
It is suspected that The Edge actually wrote some of Pink Floyds material and members Pink Floyd have been misattributed writers of their music. It was found in 36 BC that in fact Edge had written Another Brick In The Wall and originally called it Another Brick in LALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOO HE DOESN'T EXIST, NEVER DID EXIST YOU NEVER HEARD OF HIM EVER's head
[edit] Dave Evans
During the day The Edge wears his disguise under the name of Dave Evans. After removing the cap, wearing tacky glasses and dressed in a suit The Edge is unrecognaizable not only to the public but even his fellow superhero Bono wasn't able to recognize him.
“I was like walkin' and this bloke comes up to me and says his name's Dave. And I'm like let's go save some starvin' children lad.”
~ Bono on Dave Evans
In Metropolis, The Edge (as Dave Evans) works as a reporter at the Planet, "a great metropolitan newspaper" which allows him to keep track of ongoing events where he might be of help. Largely working on his own, his identity is easily kept secret. Fellow reporter Lois Lane became the object of Dave's/The Edge's romantic affection. Lois' affection for The Edge and her rejection of Dave's clumsy advances have been a recurring theme in The Edge's comics, television, and movies...
[edit] The Chin
(Wrestler) Edge's Chin is equally matched with Chuck Norris' beardfist. He really enjoys spearing woman/men/transvestites with his chin although it is chinflected by the Chin/face of the Great Khali who's chin is far superior to all except the great foot of Chuck Norris.
[edit] Family
As with all superheros The Edge pussied out and married to an irrelevant person and produced his superhero daughter trio Hollie, Arran and Blue Angel. Although Blue Angel obviously being the most powerful off them all the trio can join into an amazing tri-delta attack that shrieks like a guitar. Some say they're harpies other say they're sirens but due to the fact that no one has lived their horrid voices no one really knows what they look like.
[edit] The Edge beat the following people
[edit] Mitchell, Elisha (PhD)
As a professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill he discovered the height of Mt. Mitchell. Mt. Mitchell is the highest point east of the Mississippi River. When Elisha Mitchell returned to verify his earlier measurements The Edge got the better of him and Elisha Mitchell fell to his death in 1857.
[edit] Gilbert, Jessie (chessplayer)
A British teenage chess champion has fallen to her death as she sleepwalked straight from The Edge of an eighth-floor hotel room.
[edit] Joker, The (villain)
He was ultimately defeated by The Edge when he fell to his death from a church tower.
[edit] Mike Wallace's (journalist) 19 year old son.
The death of his 19-year-old son, Peter, who fell to his death off The Edge of a cliff in Greece in 1962 on summer holiday from Yale
[edit] Gruber, Hans (megalomaniac)
Fell to his death from the 32nd floor of the Nakatomi tower while playing leapfrog with John McClane and The Edge.
[edit] Hart, Owen (Canadian wrestler)
Hart fell to his death in Kansas City, Missouri on May 23, 1999, during the WWF's Over The Edge PPV event. Edge then pinned his corpse after cashing in his "Singles Push in the Bank" contract.
[edit] Gale, Philip (scientist & musician)
Gale fell to his death from a classroom window on the fifteenth floor of a building on the Massachusetts Institute of Technology campus. He had no idea how close to The Edge he was.
[edit] Cena, John (Black man, PhD in thugonomics)
Cena died after The Edge's Penis threw him to a 9000-watt light. "Hey that was m-" - Big Show | "Shut the fuck up!" -Edge
[edit] Things Edge Likes to do in WWE
- Pose for 5 seconds
- Climb ladders
- Push people off them
- Hit people with chairs
- Run into people, apparentally this is called a spear
- Run into people off a ladder, defying the laws of gravity and physics
- Destroy lives in general
- Pull his hair back and show off those pearly whites!
- Stamp his feet
- Grind his teeth
- Steal Randy ortons stuff
- Scratch his head and look menacing
- Brag about stuff he's never done to John Cena
- Stroke his chin, and beard
- Put head up and look down
- Go Crazy
- Make out with Lita
- Get dumped by Lita
- Make out with Vickie Guerrero
- Wish he was still making out with Lita
- Make Lita retire
- Taunt
- Marry fat women just to use their power
- Mumble things to their faces while spitting in rage so it sounds like "YOU SUNCSHS OF AAR BITSCHS!"
- Cheat to win agianst Balltista
- Win all ladder matches ever in existance. "Wait...what about?" -John Cena | "Shut up! YOU SUNCSHS OF AAR BITSCHS!" -Edge
- Win at Wrestlemnia. "Wait...what about?" -Mr. Kennedy | "Shut up! YOU SUNCSHS OF AAR BITSCHS!" -Edge
- Wreck Homes
- Laugh at people he just screwed over
- Reek of Awesomeness
- Bore people with countless feuds with The Undertaker, John Cena, Jeff Hardy and Batista
- Make out with Vicky, but thats because he gets paid a lot
- Look worried when he has to, then laugh and stroke his chin again
- Ask J.R. where he got those fantastic shoes
- Shake his head when he talks
- Scream as if he is Chris Jericho circa non-pussy years
- Stroke his hair to make people notice his hairdo which was clearly the inspiration of Chuck Norris
- Throw bricks at the heads of people who will go on to commit double murder suicides due to brain damage.
- Squint
- Steal peoples girlfriends and boyfriends
- Have sex celebrations in front of billions of people around the world on National Television
- Hump the ring canvas while thinking of banging Big Show.
- Switch WWE brands
- Capturing tag team gold a record 12 times
- Grow a beard
- Shave his beard
- Screw The Undertaker over
- Get screwed by The Undertaker
- Run through smoke
- Sandwich people's heads with chairs
- Sandwich chairs with people's heads
- Go to hell
- Somehow get out of hell which is never actually explained.......
- Create a great image for the world's youth
- Wear a trench coat like a child molester
- Blow chunks while Christian holds his nuts
- Getting genital warts (Genital Warts Rule!)
- Drink sodas (Sodas Rule!)
- Beat up black men from
AfricaJamaica - Steal John Cena's championships from elimination chambers.
- Beat up Leperchauns... wait wrong person
- Make his wife wear the pants in the family
- Threesomes
- Watch fat men fucking his wife
- Ignore his "brother's" return
- Brag about beating Cena in front of Chris Jericho
- Make Jeff Hardy Sandwiches on ladder bread
- Divorce his wife
- Take the WWE title from Jeff Hardy: Drug Addict
- Insult Jeff Hardy: Drug Addict for his drug abuse
- Ensure that Jeff Hardy: Drug Addict has a great wrestling future, only for Jeff Hardy: Drug Addict to screw his own career up months later.
[edit] Musical Endeavours
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Edge has in fact been in a "family" band with his "brother" Christian Cage. They lasted about 15 years but only ever recorded 3 songs over 2 albums.Their first album, 'Long Live the Zoo' (released as iViva La Kazoo! in Mexico, where they personally requested it was to be released) was a successful chart topper including 2 songs and a brief interlude separating them. These songs were "You think you know me" and "The Game", separated by the interlude "Oh don't get mad, we can play your music too". Their second album was recorded as a symphony, only using percussion and vocals. The album was released as "For the Benefit of Those With Flash Photography" and only went for 5 seconds. The song on the album came to be known as the 'Conchairto' and consisted of a loud crack of a skull between 2 steel chairs. Edge then later released this as an extended solo piece on multiple occasions. These were compiled into an album known as "Conchairto: A complete anthology". It reached number 1 on the Billboard charts and stayed at the top before it was roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris all the way out of the charts.
