Ed Wood

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Edward D. Wood, Jr. (1924–1978) was an American director of moving pictures (or "Walkies") and considered by many to be the greatest interpreter of film and breadcrumbs. He left his mark in the woods on the way to the witch's house where he met Tiny Dr. Tim Burtoni, his maker. He was a known cross-dresser. You think we're joking but we're not. Seriously.

Biography

Ed Wood flipping through the latest issue of Masturbation Aficionado on his sofa.

Ed Wood was created by scientist and part time magician Timothy Burtoni, who gave him the name of Edwardius Diane Holzenberg III. Most of his body parts were of Romanian descent. His creator often dressed him up in girly clothing, such as dresses, skirts, stockings, lingerie, bikinis, angora sweaters, pyjamas and gloves. It is often theorized that this is why Edward grew up to become a transylvanian.

At the age of 35, Edward was given a Kodak movie camera, but joined the army by accident before he could put it to much use. It is a well-known fact that while fighting in World War II, Edward was less afraid of dying than he was of wearing male undergarments.

After the war, Edward joined the circus to appear as a sideshow freak. His act consisted of eating living trees. Presumably because this wasn't freaky enough, he later became a secondary transvestite. Dressing up as a woman first, quickly followed by dressing up as a man once again. The circus audience loved this act so much, that his star rose to incredible heights, and so did his wood. The next logical step for Eddy was to make a career in showbusiness, thus becoming a director of scientific porno and softcore fiction.

Edward met actor Béla "The Count" Lugosi in a café on the corner of Sunset Blvd. and Sesame Street in 1956. Ed convinced him to star in his new film Plan 9 From Outer Space], which was to be set on the moon. Sadly enough, Lugosi was killed in a bicycling accident the next day. Wood, who already shot some scenes with Lugosi that very morning, subsequently hired an obvious stand-in to complete filming.

Wood would often employ the same group of people in his films. He was often surrounded by vampires, including Vampira, Blacula and Nosferatu, who is best known for his role in Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens.

Filmography

• Glen or Glenda (1953)
• Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
• Planet 9 Fromage Space (1956)
• Plan 10 From The Space Age (1969)
• Plan 23 From the Ace of Spades (1970)
• Plants to Space Out, nine times (1978)
• From 9 Plan Space Outer (1988)
• Sequel 34 From The Planet of The Apes (2025)
• No Strings Attached (1998) ^[1]

Pseudonyms

Ed Wood (on the right) and Bela Lugosi.

Over the course of his career, Ed used several pseudonyms including:

• Edwood D. Ward Jr.
• Dodo J.W.D. Reward
• Redj Dwardodow
• Red Wood, Jaw Dr.
• John Woo

Quotes regarding Wood

“Ed Wood certainly gives me "wood". Wait, was that out loud?”

~ Oscar Wilde on the sexiness of Ed Wood

“Well... You see... I like to wear women's clothing.”

~ Ed Wood on why his films have such a unique flair

“Teak is nice, but I prefer oak.”

~ A customer in a furniture store

“A true genius and visionary, an American icon. I wish he was still around because I have some scripts he would love.”

~ Bill O'Reilly

Footnotes

1. ↑ An autobiographic film on his life, directed by the ghost of Ed Wood's brain.

External links

• Ed Wood at the Internet Movie Database