Ed Wood

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Greetings, friends. We are ALL interested in an article about the events in the past life of EDWARD D. WOOD, JR., for that is what you and I will be reading in the next couple of minutes. Let us pray that we never meet the future envisioned within this article.

“Ed Wood certainly gives me "wood". Wait, was that out loud?”

~ Oscar Wilde on the sexiness of Ed Wood

“Well... You see... I like to wear women's clothing.”

~ Ed Wood on why his films have such a unique flair

“Teak is nice, but I prefer oak.”

~ A customer in a furniture store

“A true genius and visionary, an American icon. I wish he was still around because I have some scripts he would love.”

~ Bill O'Reilly

“Pull da stringk! Pull da STRINGK!!! ”

~ Bela Lagosi on Whatever the hell that senile vampire was yelling about.

Edward D. Wood, Jr. (1924–1978) was an American director of moving pictures (or "Walkies") and considered by many to be the greatest interpreter of film and women.

[edit] Biography

Ed Wood flipping through the latest issue of Masturbation Aficionado on his sofa.

Ed Wood was created by celluloid scientist and part time magician Timothy "Tiny Tim" Burtoni, who gave him the name of Edwardius Dee Holzenberg III. Most of his body parts were of Romanian descent. His creator often dressed him up in girly clothing. Skirts, dresses, stockings, angora sweaters, pants, pyjamas; nothing was too sexy for the Wood. It is often theorized that this is why Wood grew up to become a transylvanian.

At the age of 35, Edward was given a Kodak movie camera, but joined the army by accident before he could put it to much use. It is a well-known fact that while fighting in World War II, Edward was less afraid of dying than he was of wearing male undergarments.

After the war, Edward joined the circus to appear as a sideshow freak. His act consisted of eating living trees. Presumably because this wasn't freakish enough, he later became a double transvestite. Dressing up as a woman first, quickly followed by dressing up as a man once again. The circus audience loved this act so much, that his star rose to incredible heights, and so did his wood. The next logical step for Eddy was to make a career in showbusiness, thus becoming a director of scientific porno and softcore fiction.

Edward met actor Béla "The Count" Lugosi in a café on the corner of Sunset Blvd. and Sesame Street in 1956. Ed convinced him to star in his new film Planet 9 Fromage Space, which was to be set on the moon. Sadly enough, Lugosi was killed in a bicycling accident the next day. Wood, who already shot some scenes with Lugosi that very morning, subsequently hired an obvious stand-in to complete filming.

Wood would often employ the same group of people in his films. He was often surrounded by vampires, including Vampira, Blacula and Count Orlok, who is best known for his role in Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens.

[edit] Filmography

Glen or Glenda (1953)
Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
Planet 9 Fromage Space (1956)
Plan 10 From The Space Age (1969)
Plan 21 From The Ace of Spades (1970)
Plants To Space Out, 9 Times (1978)
Sequel 34 To The Planet of The Apes (2025)
No Strings Attached (1998) (An autobiographic film on his life, directed by the ghost of Ed Wood's brain.)
Bride of the Hobo (1952)