Easter
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“Last Easter was so much better than this Easter!”
~ Jesus (circa 33 AD) on Easter
“Damn long ears trying to steal Easter from Jesus.”
~ Peter Griff1n on Easter
Easter, also known as The Implausible Resurrection Festival, Zombie Jesus Day or Chocolate Day in rich countries, is the day when chocolate was actually invented. It's also considered the day when some dude was reborn or something, but nobody cares about it anyway. People in the know however celebrate this day as it marks the anniversary of Jesus' hatching from Gods holy egg. Today, the Easter is celebrated among Christians and Eggnogstics in odd-numbered time zones in celebration of the death and resurrection of the Easter Bunny. This day, known to the Jews as Pastel Zombie Rabbit Day, is usually celebrated by consuming copious amounts of high cholesterol in the form of chocolate and chicken embryos. It was founded in 1993 by Dr. Edmund Easter.
This holiday has recently come under attack from historical revisionists who demand instead that the purpose of this day is to celebrate the inability of the ancient Romans to properly execute Jesus. It seems there is no reasoning with some people.
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[edit] Death
Arcane rituals involve the re-enactment of the horrid grisly death of the Easter Bunny as portrayed by a vicious gang of young children battering the Holy Crap out of a life-sized statue of the bunny with giant blunt spoons. Ardent devotees also consume up to one and half times their body weight in chocolates in a futile attempt to understand the suffering of the unfortunate male rabbit as it was being forced to lay eggs.
[edit] Resurrection
After the abused bunny figurine is officially declared dead by the attending adults, the children then immediately hook it up to a portable Van de Graaff generator and pretend to zap it back to life. Everybody then cheers wildly and sings joyous and life-affirming gangsta rap songs. Oh, and they eat some more chocolate, too.
This holiday is most commonly known as Jesusdeathmas.
Fun fact: Jesus died for the sins of the Easter Bunny too! Apparently the rabbit is a polygamist.
[edit] Easter Egg Creation
Eater Eggs are commonly mistaken to be made of such mortal ingredients such as coco beans and milk. These so called "traditionalists" who hold these views also do not believe in other lesser known Jesii (such as Ultra Jesus and Robojesus) and are mocked profusely for their minimalistic religion. Easter Eggs are in fact removed from the Tomb of Oscar Wilde, where it is believed that his corpse feces decay and rot into delicious Hilter shaped figurines of amazingly good quality. Other Easter Egg figurines are made from faeces of C class celebrities (Big Brother contestants and Celebrity Love Island players), though these result in figurines of Stalin, George Bush and more commonly Dr Who). Because there's no better way to celebrate the reserection of Jesus Christ than to dye eggs and scatter them all over your front lawn.
[edit] When is Easter?
The Celebration Of Easter typically falls on a Sunday after the ritual of 40 days of refraining from ingesting lactose rich foods, except for once every 4 years when the Easter Bunny surfaces from his lair under the Peperidge Farms hen houses and sees his shadow which gives us 6 more weeks of politically instability during which the "holiday" is pushed aside in favor of campaigning politicians winning the hearts of people everywhere by falsifying their curious indiscretions and planning ahead to not keep the promises they make with heart warming albeit murderous smiles. Though the modern celebration of this event differs much from how it was originally introduced, with the Easter Bunny at the forefront of the Crusades of the 1500's raping and pillaging wherever he happened to be, we now celebrate the pain of all his former victims with a 3 day long festival starting with Good Friday during which we give thanks for the fact that he was brave and selfless enough to plunge in head first without any regard to his own safety and kill all the peasants inflicted with the Black Plague so that we may all live plague free one day, followed by Holy Saturday which was taken as a direct quotation from Francis the XV, when he remarked one Saturday morning "HOLY CRAP IT'S A TALKING CHOCOLATE BUNNY", followed by Easter Sunday with which you are now familiar.
[edit] Why do they take on the form of an egg?
Many people wonder about how these chocolate covered delicacies manage to form perfect spherical eggs, and why they symbolize the resurrection of Jesus - well actually, many countries (mainly stupid ones such as Nigeria and China, along with the U.S.) choose to sell chocolate covered umbilical cords, which are quite delicious (certainly after they have been detached from the mother - most people do not enjoy them in this form). Chocolate wombs are rare (as wombs are quite hard to find, usually by disgruntled pigs in a mysterious forest, buried under discarded firearms and broken needles) but just as well loved, especially with the 'gooey caramel filling' - 100% fetal fluid. Mmmhmm.
[edit] Devourings after nine o'clock
After nine o'clock on Easter (Also known as Baby sandwich chinese Michael Jackson afro sandwich giraffe chocolate sandwich day) the ghost of the Easter Bunny patrols the streets and devours children while they are sleeping, (He rapes them if it is a leap year). It is unknown which year this festival started but some people say it was practised by Hitler. The Mother and Father may also join in with the devouring, but they must wear a hockey mask and wear the right clothes, if the child wakes up while this is taking place, the Easter Bunny raps rope around the neck of the child blocking the windpipe. Usually, unless the parents are Buddhists,The Easter Bunny would aim to rip the head off the child, while the mother and father would punch the Childs chest, If a Grandparent is involved, a walking stick can be used to shove down the Childs throat, stopping the child from moving or squirming, below are some of the positions which may be used during the devouring:
- The "Rudolph is dead son" position: The Father pinches the childs nose with his nails, while the Mother bites the childs kneecaps.
- The "Guillotine" position: The Mother gets a sheet of cardboard and pushes it into the childs neck while the father stabs a knife into the childs soles, teasing him at the same time with a Porn magazine.
There are many other positions which may be used while devouring, some which are so gruesome even Bill Gates cant watch, but Spongebob can. Many positions have not yet been introduced in popular culture, and many are still in development.
[edit] What does Jesus have to do with it?
No one knows. However there is consensus that Jesus died of cancer and rose from the dead.The nazi germans gave jesus his cancer. There are two reasons given for this
1) That he gloriously rose up to heaven after sending the devil to hell along with superman.
2) That he became a zombie and killed everyone in a 2-mile radius. However he was squashed by a giant wooden cross, which is where the cross comes into the story.
3) "And lo on the first day he descended from the cross to his chocolate egg chariot and the Corinthians rejoiced and hence a cave was found for his holy Godness thus that his chocolaty goodness should not crumble and on the third day his great good rabbit did come to bring him home" John 12:14
The 3rd opinion which is the one which is considered to be true to the general population of the world because its in the good holy Bible. hell yea.
