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|TV Station||BBC One (HD), BBC Two (HD), BBC Three|
|Running Length||Too long|
|No. of episodes||Too many|
EastEnders is a teatime televised opera, particularly popular with old people in retirement homes and the chronically depressed, and is often advertised with the slogan "For those who can't afford Sky". The show also has a popular theme tune written and performed by gay icon Dennis Waterman. The show holds a lot of evil controversy, especially with people who stare at the screen waiting for someone to say 'bitch' or 'tosser' and have the Ofcom phone number on speed-dial.
Although it was released in the UK in the 1980s, plans for the show go as far back as world war two. It was the idea to hypnotize everyone through a sad television programme, and today still the typically severity of depression induced through watching one episode equates to 200g of ketamine.
The Creation of Misery
1. In the beginning, God created EastEnders and Albert Square. And darkness fell upon the BBC One schedules.
2. And God said "Let there be depression". And there was in abundance.
3. And God saw the depression and it was good. The BBC executives saw the ratings and they said depression is good, too.
5. And God said "Let there be a pub". And God saw the pub and named it "The Queen Vic".
6. And God said, Let the people who populate The Queen Vic be the dregs of society. They must never smile or laugh, he said. And they must endure situations that are true to life, despite never watching their televisions on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm.
7. And God called his people EastEnders. And God said to the EastEnders, Thou shalt commit acts of incest, with Mother and Sister being of one, and Z list actors and 'comedians' in guest appearances.
8. And God said, Bring forth a typical Christmas storyline in which death and misery and the occasional wife-beating must occur.
10. And God said, let there be a big storyline once every two annum. And God called the storyline Who Shot Phil Mitchell? And the people watching said "who cares?"
11. And God said "You are my EastEnders. Deal with it."
12. And God said that all of this sin and sadness could be miraculously cured with a nice cup of tea.
The Ten Commandments of Albert Square
And God created the Ten Commandments. All characters must obey the Commandments, He said:
1. Thou shalt not look for work outside the boundaries of Walford.
2. Thou shalt argue and fight during a party.
3. Thou shalt not swear or curse but feel free to commit acts of: violence, drugs, abuse, torture, murder, dodgy dealings, deception, grassing, peadophilia, cheating, neglect, rape, racism and alcohol...mostly alcohol.
4. Thou shalt always refer to the police as "The Old Bill".
5. Thou shalt not enjoy a successful marriage.
6. Thou shalt consume breakfast only in Ian's Café.
7. Thou shalt only leave Albert Square by way of death, prison or Manchester. Or, at a pinch, Spain.
8. Thou shalt not have a merry Christmas.
9. Thou shalt not possess a washing machine. Use the launderette.
10. Thou shalt have thy wedding reception in the Queen Vic.
And he thought them, good. Oh so good.
|Christian Clarke||Jane's brother. Raging homosexual. Once shagged her husband, hard, but all is forgiven. Laughs like a horse. Has a smile so freaky it would make the Joker wince. He seems obsessed with Jack Sparrow. Bloody pervert! But we love 'im. Syed loves 'im too and his bum.|
|Ian Beale||Man/weasel who used to run a chippy and a café and for some reason thinks that made him a entrepreneurial businessman. The most wimpy, girly, feminine heterosexual you will ever see, and also an utter fucking cock. Has god knows how many kids, some of them try to kill him or his family, but the sod still loves them. If EastEnders was real, he'd have been stabbed to death long before now.|
|Jane/Lesley Clarke||Used to be fat, changed her name to Jane because she's no longer as fat as she used to be. Got shot in the stomach, had her minge amputated.|
|Lucy Beale||Just about the only interesting character on the show, yet hasn't been killed off. Yet. Looks like she'd be a dirty bitch in bed. Apparently in her 20s... yeah, and her dad's straight.|
|Peter Beale||So much like his wimpy father Ian it's uncanny, blatantly going to turn out gay. He aged by 5 years in a week! Dated the Ginger King's daughter. Has basically been in a car crash and been punched by a paedo.|
|Bobby Beale||Ever seen The Omen? Look at those eyes! TERRIFYING.|
|Abi Branning||Is a little too close to her guinea pigs and incidentally, her very own father... dirty little bitch.|
|Bradley Branning||Ginger. He blushes a LOT. Sorry, blushed a lot. We should be referring to him in the past tense now since he recently took a nose-dive off the top of the Vic during his wedding reception. Come on, you've done worse things on the booze. Got married to Stacey despite the fact that in real life, she wouldn't have even have been friends with him, let alone sleep with him and his ginger pubes. He is, or was an active member of the campaign team for the political party known as The Ginger Alliance (with cousin Bianca and dad Max.) Was once called the Ginger Ninja, and always looked like he had passed wind when he answered the door.|
|Dot Branning||Local atheist, smokes an average of 500 cigarettes daily and yet somehow is still alive. Speaks in the same tone of voice constantly, and once spent an ENTIRE EPISODE TALKING TO A FUCKING TAPE RECORDER!!|
|Jack Branning||The secret love-child of Clive Owen and ROBOCOP! Has had sex with almost every woman in the Square, not to mention he impregnated ALL of the Mitchell women.|
|Derek Branning||Looked and sounded exactly like a frog. Walford's answer to The Krays as one but a fatter more threatening version. Was also a violent racist thug but since from returning from prison, had apparently "changed his ways", despite the fact from bullying almost everyone on the Square since returning. Basically Johnny Allen all over again. Had a heart attack and promptly died.|
|Jim Branning||Had a stroke. Dot's other half.|
|Lauren Branning||Alcoholic daughter of Max. Started stuffing socks down her bra aged 7, a living Bratz doll. Tony King saw the inner beauty of her... literally. Somehow was able to put herself into foster care.|
|Max "Scotch Egg" Branning||Ugliest womaniser ever? Very nearly became a polygamist. Strongly resembles cross-breed between a goldfish and a scotch egg. Max is de facto leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil, along with Paul Scholes and Mick Hucknall. Could have been spotted playing at Goodison Park and now at Craven Cottage. Yes, you guessed it, he must be Andy Johnson's double. Everyone in Walford hates him.|
|Kirsty Branning||Looks like a duck, and likes to shuffle her feet. Max's secret wife who re-appeared just a few days before his wedding with Tanya. Pretended to be pregnant so Max would stay with her. Freshly separated after finding out she wasn't actually pregnant. Never mind. They'll be back together soon.|
|Vanessa Gold||Looks like the blonde alien off "Mars Attacks". Left her millionaire husband to shack up with Max, who sells crap cars and has about as much charisma as a fungal infection. Uses fake tan on her hair.|
|Jodie Gold||Blonde, hot and incredibly thick. Highly suggestible. Would probably take her clothes off if she were offered some magic beans.|
|Tanya Cross||Likes zips, and is the inventor of bread hoopla. She has the greatest pair of tits you will ever see! Her husband cheated on her with his son's girlfriend, so she fucked her husband's son's girlfriend's brother and her husband's brother, buried her husband alive, then got him out again... got back together again, now separated. But it's okay... all will be forgiven in a few months.|
|Janine Butcher||Resembles a poodle. Killed Barry Evans and his ex-wife which was the only good thing this bitch ever done. Likes to lick her lips after every sentence to look evil. Is bizarrely obsessed with owning some shite pub in a made-up part of London. Everyone else on the Square does everything in their power to keep her from being a success because she's one of the few clever people in Walford.|
|Liam Butcher||Truant who doesn't like Value brand baked beans. Related to practically everyone. About as clever as his parents, so doesn't stand much chance in life. Recently joined a gang of chavs and was subsequently stabbed, something predicted at the point of his conception.|
|Pat Evans||Fat ex-hooker with horrid looking earrings. Looked like the Honey Monster. Killed someone with her car once, but it didn't stop people asking her for driving lessons. Her earrings were sound radars and she picked up on what everyone was saying, explaining why she was there to answer everyone's problems. One eyebrow was 12 cm higher than the other. Once had a "thing" with Patrick... yuk!|
|Ricky Butcher||Likes to wear jackets that don't fit him. As thick as pig shite.|
|Chelsea Fox, aka Budget Rihanna||Kind of like Naomi Campbell minus a personality, opinion or brain. Would be attractive if she weren't so pathetic.|
|David Wicks||Runs away from almost anyone he comes into contact with. Is the son of the infamous old slag Pat Butcher and the father of ginger nut Bianca Butcher and schizophrenic Joe Wicks so no wonder he left the bloody Square. Returned to Walford to witness his mother die. He then got back together with ex-girlfriend Carol Jackson (even after he left her when she was pregnant with his child). They got back together for about ten minutes after he fucked off and left her again.|
|Denise Fox||Kind of reminds you of Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest except nastier and more uptight. Seems to have a strange attraction to lunatics. Married a drug-addict then left him for an alcoholic psychopath who treated her like a punchbag then left him and got back with the drug-addict who had given up drugs to become a Bible-bashing serial killer who locked her in a cellar. In between marrying maniacs, she married a nice cockney guy called Kevin who loved her to bits but she hated his guts and forgot about him a week after he died in a car accident.|
|Kim Fox||Denise's clinically insane sister. Runs a shite B&B infested with mice. Uses charcoal on her face.|
|Simon 'Wicksey' Wicks||Bastard son of Pat Butcher who made his childhood a misery. He also shagged his best mate's wife and didn't feel sorry for it. Resembles a cockney but the soft kind.|
|Libby Fox||Originally known as Squiggle, but luckily the producers realised just how stupid this sounded. Biggest question is, how did she ever get a boyfriend? Still a virgin. Went to Oxford University and now never visits her mother, despite being in the same city.|
|Carol Jackson||Literally the most depressed woman on the Square (if not Walford). Has God knows how many kids, in fact, she's had more kids than hot dinners. She returned recently to the Square to experience more depression. She also has terrible taste in men and even forgave her daughter when she got off with her boyfriend: she's also really forgiving (even in the most life-destroying matters).|
|Bianca Butcher||RICCKKAAAAYYYYY!!!!! Rough, but not quite as rough as Shirley. Has a voice that could grate cheese. She is an active member of The Ginger Alliance's more hardline militant wing. Her last campaign involved lacing all the shampoos at Tanya's salon with ginger hair dye with the objective of making people understand the suffering that gingers have to endure on a daily basis. Once said her uncle Jack Branning was fit and that she'd happily do her cousin Peter Beale... she'll literally sleep with her own family given the chance.|
|Morgan Jackson-King||Only eats chicken nuggets. The dinosaur ones scare him. Apparently the son of two white people despite being black.|
|Tiffany Dean||Enjoys destroying things. Reminds you of Stewie Griffin.|
|Whitney Dean||Puts her make-up on with a shovel. Will no doubt turn out to be a bigger slag than her stepmother, so at least she will accomplish something. Was sleeping with her mother's boyfriend... hang on, didn't they do that story with Bianca once?|
|Masood Ahmed||Was Zainab's camp, pompous punchbag. The postman. Admired by a creepy stalker-like Geordie.|
|Ayesha Rana||Walford's answers to Cheryl Cole and Deanna Troi but in one actor and a creepier, more stalker-like version. Was apparently an Empath and "knew" that Masood "was unhappy with Auntie G" and that "I can feel it and see it in your eyes". Eventually Zainab got sick of it and packed her bags to go to Pakistan, leaving him in just the right place for her to get her Geordie hands on him.|
|Tamwar Masood||A little library gremlin who was clearly the perfect match for Libby Fox. So sad he raped a toothbrush! Has a dry wit which is frowned upon by his humourless family.|
|Zainab Masood||Fat, violently homophobic, dominatrix-like Muslim ex-postal worker who sold her daughter to a Pakistani. Thinks Christian's a pervert despite the fact that Muhammad was a paedophile.|
|Syed Masood||Total cock tease. Goes from "Fuck me Christian!", to "Fuck off I'm Muslim!", within minutes of getting a good hard ramming. Syed is known for his catchphrase "I'm Muslin but I've got a little bit of Christian in me!"|
|Amira Shah||HOT! Was totally unaware of her fiancé and Christian's erotic Greek love, despite staring right at them when they were holding hands.|
|Darren Miller||Looks like a fish wearing lipstick. Lived in the Square for years, even after the rest of his family had found some sense and moved away. Became the father of Heather's baby, George Michael Trott. AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!|
|Dawn Swann||Pathetic slag. Has the abortion clinic on speed-dial. Everyone hates her so much, they decided to wait until she was just about to walk down the aisle before they told her that her husband-to-be had been brutally beaten to death. Had an affair with a fat, middle-aged alcoholic who still lives with his mother, don't wanna imagine him ramming her skinny arse.|
|Archie Mitchell||Ronnie and Roxy's dad. Lived in a mansion on the coast, but decided to move into a overcrowded east London pub. As you do. Possibly the meanest, nastiest bastard Walford's ever seen... and that's saying something. When he wasn't wrecking peoples lives, he likes to rape puppies, skin kittens and defile virgins, his personal favourite being his own daughter. Feeling sick? The toilet's that way. Used to watch "You've Been Framed!" just so he could see children trip over and cry. Eventually met his timely end when his head was bashed in with a bust of Queen Victoria. We are very much amused.|
|Ben "Milkybar Kid" Mitchell||Little Harry Potter shit stain, likes Broadway musicals and tap dancing, obviously so gay. So annoying, even his dad once beat the crap out of him. However, somehow the little sod managed to put a kid in hospital after smacking him across the helmet with a spanner. Was victimised by Lord Voldemort's meaner cousin, Stella Crawford. His pastime is dancing and singing along to Girls Aloud songs. Acts like a stroppy 4 year old despite technically being an adult. Went to jail for months and was naturally placed with the most violent prisoner there. Came back 'with an attitude' and has now started the new hobby of killing people or making their lives a misery.|
|Sharon "Miss Piggy" Watts||Bears a striking resemblance to Miss Piggy from The Muppets. Has came back and left countless times, can't sing a lullaby for shite. Shagged Jack Branning on the same day of walking out on her fiancé.|
|Lola Pearce||Billy Mitchell's granddaughter who comes from the care system. Possibly the only decent person currently residing in the Square, yet everybody hates her. Her daughter, fathered by the Milkybar Kid, resides with Phil Mitchell after social services took her away from Lola and thought best that dear old Grandpa should take care of her instead, even after finding out that he raised a murderer. Now back with Lola after much fighting with social services.|
|Billy "No Mates" Mitchell||Sure, he looks like Sherlock Holmes but his family hate him, his wife left him, and she hates him and his daughter is a downy. Who hates him. No one likes him. No one will give him a job (except as one of Santa's elves) and he doesn't seem to know how to close his mouth when he chews. Yet, he still hasn't committed suicide because is really popular amongst people who watch the show due to his general niceness.|
|Susan Honey "Really-Struggling-To-Think-Of-New-Names" Mitchell||Billy's genius wife. Known for her witty, Oscar Wilde-esque remarks. When asked why people called her Honey, she replied "What is this, the Spanish Armada?" Was supposed to be a comic relief character but after becoming morbidly depressed as a result of her daughter having Down's Syndrome, the producers decided that she was starting to lose her comic value. Has now left but may be coming back.|
|Janet Mitchell||Billy's daughter. Reasoning that their first child deserved a truly noble, august name, one with the femininity of the Faerie Queens of antiquity, the sort of name one would expect the wind to whisper through the trees, Billy and Honey decided to call their daughter Janet. Suffers from Down's Syndrome yet still probably most intelligent person on the Square. Is played by a doll in some episodes. This doll's performance has garnered praise from critics who say that it "ignites the screen like it was born there, bringing a truly bombastic performance, reminiscent of a young Jodi Foster to the role of Janet."|
|Peggy Mitchell||Dolly Parton mixed with a leprechaun, "Get outta moy pab!" Looks like some bird from the Carry On films. Has great tits though. Walford's first GILF.|
|Phil Mitchell||Likes deflating. Resembles an uncooked sausage in a shirt. A bit like Hagrid in the way he speaks, but has no beard or hair. On certain days, you can see your reflection in his head. 50-odd year old alcoholic who's only just moved out from his mum's and for some reason everyone's scared of him.|
|Lisa Fowler||Likes to cry, and for some odd reason can't get enough of Phil's domestic abuse, so came back at one point in 2010 with little Louise to relive the terror. This was a brilliant time for Ben to re-enact one of Stella Crawford's tricks, the burn-your-hand-with-a-teaspoon trick. Now gone. Don't worry though - she'll be back again in 10 years time.|
|Grant Mitchell||Phil's tall, thin brother who was in The Matrix. Has left, come back, left come back and at one point came back before leaving. Peggy has heard disturbing rumours that he's changed his name to Ross Kemp and become a lovey. "Tell me it's not true, Grant! Tell me it's not true!" Let's just hope she doesn't see The Matrix!|
|Ronnie Mitchell||An alien/Michelle Pfeiffer cross-breed who shouts a lot. Her smile rips the universe apart so let's just hope Roxy never fingers her. Had three kids, and they all ended up dying on her.|
|Sam Mitchell||Wants to be model and has the talent for it because he's shagged everyone on the Square. Was engaged to her ex-husband a few years ago and made him think that the baby she was carrying was his. She's a real slag and bitch. Was played by God knows how many actresses that the first one that played her got sacked and returned years later but then left again. Rumored to return again because 43rd time's the charm.|
|Local cock-munching slag. Didn't feel bad about going behind her boyfriend's back with her sister's bloke. Perfect guest on the Jeremy Kyle show. Her real name is Roxy "I shagged my sister's boyfriend, got up the duff, lied that it was my husband's, was shocked that it wasn't, he tried to kill me and the baby but didn't because my sister and the boyfriend I shagged saved me from an icy death, holy shit I hope I'm getting paid for this!" Mitchell. Thinks it's a good idea to leave letters with DNA results lying about as well. Surprising has only one child despite the fact she's a real slag. Thinks her father's a saint even though he raped his daughter and 20 year old Stacey Slater who eventually killed him. Her Dad gave her a pub after he scammed it off Peggy. Can't run a pub for shit.|
|Charlie Slater||Drives taxis, that's about it. Really. Had an argument with Kat once and decided there was no place for him on the Square and promptly left... no-one noticed.|
|Kat Slater||Tart. Comes with 3 working orifices, can give Bianca a run for her money on hot air alone. She came with a comedian called Alfie who follows her around telling jokes and peeing in the Vic. Once was on the game but after complaints from Pat Evans about being her livelihood, she decided to run off to Spain. Rested for a while with Alfie after being punctured after a fight with 'Well'ard' . The only person on the BBC to need a JCB to slap her make-up on before any scene with the sun on Phil Mitchell's head. Recently had an affair with Derek Branning and got kicked out of her own fucking house by Alfie.|
|Ryan Malloy||The new Sean Slater in Walford. Looks like a wolf with a beard.|
|Jean Slater|| SAUSAGE SURPRISE! Looks like a frog, stutters and shakes a lot and talks a lot of shit. When she entered the scene, you could hear the collective groans of every viewer. Now complete with Monkey Nut Wonder, the pudding version of Sausage Surprise.
Has now departed the Square to live with her boyfriend "Ollie" by the seaside in Bristol - even though he walked out on her after finding out about her bipolar.
|Mo 'Arris||Resident crack dealer. Sister of Hollywood star Gary Coleman. Walks around the Square annoying people.|
|Stacey Slater||She'll screw your daddy! Wants to be a nun but for some mystifying reason gets turned down by every convent. Doesn't know how to smile and always SHOUTS! Now complete with bipolar disorder. Killed Archie Mitchell. Good on you, girl.|
|Patrick Trueman||YAH MON! Had a pork pie hat permanently welded onto his head at birth. His wife left him and moved away for a really stupid reason, so at least he has something in common with Billy Mitchell. Used to bobsled in a previous life.|
|Amanda Best||Professor Trelawny's sister. Apparently old friends with Phil and Minty. Has never been mentioned until she arrived as the teacher of a pottery class that Minty and Charlie randomly went to.|
|Danielle Jones||Was just about the only fit girl on the Square but for some reason got treated like shit by everyone, possibly on account of her Aryanness. Was only living with the Slaters for a week before she was considered 'one of the faaamily'. Turned out that she was actually Ronnie's long-lost daughter, and she'd known it all along... and for some stupid reason didn't tell her for months on end. Naturally, Ronnie hated her guts. Eventually, after months of total, total misery Ronnie found out the truth and things started to look up for Danielle... and then she was run over by a car and killed. The only happy moment of her life was when she lay dying. Even I'm depressed now! The Telford village council were rather pleased to hear that Danielle originated from Telford and that the BBC were raising awareness of their historic town. They don't seem to have noticed that Danielle considered returning to Telford a fate worse than death. Cried about 6 times per episode. Everyone seems to have forgotten her already.|
|Dotty "Kirstie" Cotton||Cockney demon child. See Bobby Beale.|
|Garry Hobbs||Still stayed in the Square long after his wife left him. Even bigger loser than Billy yet managed to shag Dawn... does not compute! Has a face that looks like it's been squashed with a giant lemon.|
|George Michael Trott||Has fugly parents, so will probably considered a "looker" in the Square when he grows up. Now resides with father Darren Miller.|
|Heather "'Ev" Trott||
She bent over, and a scene from Independence day comes to mind... She ran/waddled everywhere carrying her miniature handbag, and sporting a fluorescent plastic hairband. Probably only had one shag in her entire life. Somehow got married to Minty despite her name not being on the marriage certificate. Seems to mention food at some point during every conversation she has. Likes cheesy Wotsits and kebabs. Thought she was pregnant but was just Oscar who got trapped underneath one of her fat rolls - only then did she find out she was actually pregnant. Met her maker when she was hit over the head with a picture frame by the Milkybar Kid. Well, he is strong and tough, and only the best is good enough...
|Jay Mitchell||Chav. Moved in with his Grampa Bert, aka the King of Cool. Bert returned back oop norrrth to work down t' mines when Jase showed up and moved in without Social Services raising an eyebrow. After his dad died, moved in with Billy Mitchell because it helps when you're living with someone who is more of a loser than you are. That sad that he couldn't even get a shag off a prozzie.|
|Lucas Johnson||Chelsea's dad and Walford's answer to John Doe from Se7en. Former drug-addict, religious sociopath and all round God-bothering nutjob. Murdered his ex-wife, then his new wife's ex-husband and finally a prostitute before locking his wife in a cellar. She'll have forgiven him in a week. To err is human and all that.|
|Carly Wicks||Shirley's excessively pouting daughter. Very petite and innocent looking, but more than makes up for that by shouting everything she says. She wonders why her mother abandoned her.|
|Minty Peterson||Fat guy with a hole in his chin. Started off as a unlikeable letch, then turned into a decent, lovable guy a few weeks later. Probably one of the few likable and reasonably happy characters in the entire show.|
|Nick Cotton||Murderer. Rapist. Drug addict. Plotted to kill his old 'Ma' with the help of "Dotty". One of the nicer people on the Square.|
|Shirley "Shirl" Carter||Roughest bird you will EVER see, chews glass, spits it out, chews again, eats your face. Has an insult for every occasion but never a comeback.|
|Syd Chambers||Who? Exactly.|
|Theo Kelly||Liked to wear old man hats. Resembled a neanderthal but everybody seemed to consider him a genius. Well it is Walford.|
|Dr. Al Jenkins||The local doc. Went on a date with Tanya and hasn't been seen since, that's what happens when you try to date Max, leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil's wife.|
|Tracy the Barmaid||She's a mute. Works 43 hours a day, 13 days a week, since 1985, surely she suffers from exhaustion? Famous lines: "What can I get you?" and "Weren't you in The Bill?". Often nods and looks after the Vic. Waiting to be given an actual role. Spoke to Sean Slater in 2008. Will probably snap one day and kill everyone in Walford due to the pressures of east London life. Her first words were "What are you doing here?"|
|Winston the Market Trader||Been there since 1985, and still hasn't had a storyline. Will probably team up with Tracy the Barmaid in the final ever episode to nuke Walford.|
|Any baby on the show||Uncared for and neglected, often swapped between parents as they tire of their own. Whilst their child sleeps a drink in the Queen Vic is compulsory.|