EastEnders

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| '''Starring''' || Z-list actors
 
| '''Starring''' || Z-list actors
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
| '''TV Station''' || BBC One (HD), BBC Two (HD), BBC Three
+
| '''TV Station''' || BBC One (HD), BBC Two (HD), <br> BBC Three (HD)
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Running Length''' || Too long
 
| '''Running Length''' || Too long
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{{Wikipediapar|EastEnders|EastEnders}}
 
{{Wikipediapar|EastEnders|EastEnders}}
   
'''EastEnders''' is a teatime televised opera, particularly popular with old people in retirement homes and the chronically depressed, and is often advertised with the slogan "For those who can't afford Sky". The show also has a popular theme tune written and performed by gay icon Dennis Waterman. The show holds a lot of evil controversy, especially with people who stare at the screen waiting for someone to say 'bitch' or 'tosser' and have the Ofcom phone number on speed-dial.
+
'''EastEnders''' is a teatime televised opera, particularly popular with old people in retirement homes and the chronically depressed, and is often advertised with the slogan '''"For Those Who Can't Afford Sky"'''. The show also has a popular theme tune but has it's critics who think it sounds like a broken piano on crack. The show holds a lot of evil controversy, especially with people who stare at the screen waiting for someone to say 'bitch' or 'tosser' and have the Ofcom phone number on speed-dial.
   
 
Although it was released in the UK in the 1980s, plans for the show go as far back as world war two. It was the idea to hypnotize everyone through a sad television programme, and today still the typically severity of depression induced through watching one episode equates to 200g of [[drugs|ketamine]].
 
Although it was released in the UK in the 1980s, plans for the show go as far back as world war two. It was the idea to hypnotize everyone through a sad television programme, and today still the typically severity of depression induced through watching one episode equates to 200g of [[drugs|ketamine]].
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==The Creation of Misery==
 
==The Creation of Misery==
 
<p>1. In the beginning, [[God]] created EastEnders and Albert Square. And darkness fell upon the BBC One schedules.</p>
 
<p>1. In the beginning, [[God]] created EastEnders and Albert Square. And darkness fell upon the BBC One schedules.</p>
<p>2. And God said "Let there be depression". And there was in abundance.</p>
+
<p>2. And God said: "Let there be depression". And there was in abundance.</p>
 
<p>3. And God saw the depression and it was good. The BBC executives saw the ratings and they said depression is good, too.</p>
 
<p>3. And God saw the depression and it was good. The BBC executives saw the ratings and they said depression is good, too.</p>
<p>4. And God called the depression EastEnders; he then created misery, which included [[rape]], [[murder]], [[binge drinking]], market stalls and Phil Mitchell.</p>
+
<p>4. And God called the depression EastEnders; he then created misery, which included rape, murder, binge drinking, market stalls and Phil Mitchell.</p>
<p>5. And God said "Let there be a pub". And God saw the pub and named it "The Queen Vic".</p>
+
<p>5. And God said: "Let there be a pub". And God saw the pub and named it "The Queen Vic".</p>
<p>6. And God said, Let the people who populate The Queen Vic be the dregs of society. They must never smile or laugh, he said. And they must endure situations that are true to life, despite never watching their televisions on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm.</p>
+
<p>6. And God said: "Let the people who populate The Queen Vic be the dregs of society. They must never smile or laugh, he said. And they must endure situations that are true to life, despite never watching their televisions on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm.</p>
<p>7. And God called his people EastEnders. And God said to the EastEnders, Thou shalt commit acts of [[incest]], with Mother and Sister being of one, and Z list actors and 'comedians' in guest appearances.</p>
+
<p>7. And God called his people EastEnders. And God said to the EastEnders: "Thou shalt commit acts of [[incest]], with Mother and Sister being of one, and Z-list actors and "comedians" in guest appearances".</p>
<p>8. And God said, Bring forth a typical Christmas storyline in which death and misery and the occasional [[sport|wife-beating]] must occur.</p>
+
<p>8. And God said: "Bring forth a typical Christmas storyline in which death and misery and the occasional [[sport|wife-beating]] must occur."</p>
 
<p>9. With all his power, God made appear a cast of characters; some yielded from [[Rubbish|Grange Hill]], others from [[The Bill]].</p>
 
<p>9. With all his power, God made appear a cast of characters; some yielded from [[Rubbish|Grange Hill]], others from [[The Bill]].</p>
<p>10. And God said, let there be a big storyline once every two annum. And God called the storyline ''Who Shot Phil Mitchell?'' And the people watching said "who cares?"</p>
+
<p>10. And God said: "Let there be a big storyline once every two annum". And God called the storyline ''"Who Shot Phil Mitchell?"''. And the people watching said "Who cares?"</p>
<p>11. And God said "You are my EastEnders. Deal with it."</p>
+
<p>11. And God said: "You are my EastEnders. Deal with it."</p>
 
<p>12. And God said that all of this sin and sadness could be miraculously cured with a nice cup of tea.</p>
 
<p>12. And God said that all of this sin and sadness could be miraculously cured with a nice cup of tea.</p>
   
 
== The Ten Commandments of Albert Square ==
 
== The Ten Commandments of Albert Square ==
 
[[Image:OldWoman.jpg|thumb|right|250px|An old lady struggles to switch to another channel.]]
 
[[Image:OldWoman.jpg|thumb|right|250px|An old lady struggles to switch to another channel.]]
And God created the Ten Commandments. All characters must obey the Commandments, He said:
+
And God created the Ten Commandments. All characters must obey the commandments, he said:
   
 
<p>1. Thou shalt not look for work outside the boundaries of Walford.</p>
 
<p>1. Thou shalt not look for work outside the boundaries of Walford.</p>
 
<p>2. Thou shalt argue and fight during a party.</p>
 
<p>2. Thou shalt argue and fight during a party.</p>
<p>3. Thou shalt not swear or curse but feel free to commit acts of: violence, drugs, abuse, torture, murder, dodgy dealings, deception, grassing, peadophilia, cheating, neglect, rape, racism and alcohol...mostly alcohol.</p>
+
<p>3. Thou shalt not swear or curse but feel free to commit acts of: violence, drugs, abuse, torture, murder, dodgy dealings, deception, grassing, paedophilia, cheating, neglect, rape, racism and alcohol...mostly alcohol.</p>
 
<p>4. Thou shalt always refer to the police as "The Old Bill".</p>
 
<p>4. Thou shalt always refer to the police as "The Old Bill".</p>
 
<p>5. Thou shalt not enjoy a successful marriage.</p>
 
<p>5. Thou shalt not enjoy a successful marriage.</p>
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|| Used to be fat, changed her name to Jane because she's no longer as fat as she used to be. Got shot in the stomach, had her minge amputated.
 
|| Used to be fat, changed her name to Jane because she's no longer as fat as she used to be. Got shot in the stomach, had her minge amputated.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Lucy Beale'''
+
|'''[[Dead|Lucy Beale]]'''
|| Just about the only interesting character on the show, yet hasn't been killed off. Yet. Looks like she'd be a dirty bitch in bed. Apparently in her 20s... yeah, and her dad's straight.
+
[[Image:Oooooopppslucy.jpg|190px|]]
  +
|| Was just about the only interesting character on the show. That's probably why the Teddy Bears found her lying dead in the woods whilst having their picnic. She was also Daddy Beale's favourite child, proclaiming she was "the one" '''right in front''' of Peter's face. But of course she was, she worked in a chippy so that naturally made her the new young face of entrepreneurialism. Looked like she'd be a dirty bitch in bed.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Peter Beale'''
 
|'''Peter Beale'''
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|| Is a little too close to her guinea pigs and incidentally, her very own father... dirty little bitch.
 
|| Is a little too close to her guinea pigs and incidentally, her very own father... dirty little bitch.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''[[Dead|Bradley Branning]]'''
+
|'''Bradley Branning'''
 
[[Image:Bradley-branning.jpg‎ |150px|]]
 
[[Image:Bradley-branning.jpg‎ |150px|]]
|| Blushed a LOT. Took a nose-dive off the top of the Vic during his wedding reception back in 2010. Come on, you've done worse things on the booze. Got married to Stacey despite the fact that in real life, she wouldn't have even have been friends with him, let alone sleep with him and his ginger pubes. He is, or ''was'' an active member of the campaign team for the political party known as The Ginger Alliance (with cousin Bianca and dad Max.) Was once called the Ginger Ninja, and always looked like he had passed wind when he answered the door.
+
|| Ginger. Blushed a LOT. Took a nose-dive off the top of the Vic during his wedding reception back in 2010. Come on, you've done worse things on the booze. Got married to Stacey despite the fact that in real life, she wouldn't have even have been friends with him, let alone sleep with him and his ginger pubes. He was an active member of the campaign team for the political party known as The Ginger Alliance (with cousin Bianca and dad Max.) Was once called the Ginger Ninja, and always looked like he had passed wind when he answered the door.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Dot Branning'''
 
|'''Dot Branning'''
 
[[Image:Dooot.jpg|200px|]]
 
[[Image:Dooot.jpg|200px|]]
|| Local atheist, smokes an average of 500 cigarettes daily and yet somehow is still alive. Speaks in the same tone of voice constantly, and once spent an ENTIRE EPISODE TALKING TO A FUCKING '''TAPE RECORDER!!'''
+
|| Religious chain-smoker who for some unknown reason has not yet succumbed to a fatal lung disease. Speaks in the same tone of voice constantly, and once spent an ENTIRE EPISODE TALKING TO A FUCKING '''TAPE RECORDER!!'''
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Jack Branning'''|| The secret love-child of Clive Owen and '''ROBOCOP!''' Has had sex with almost every woman in the Square, not to mention he impregnated ALL of the Mitchell women.
 
|'''Jack Branning'''|| The secret love-child of Clive Owen and '''ROBOCOP!''' Has had sex with almost every woman in the Square, not to mention he impregnated ALL of the Mitchell women.
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|'''Kirsty Branning'''
 
|'''Kirsty Branning'''
 
[[Image:Kirsty Branning from Eastenders quack.png|200px|]]
 
[[Image:Kirsty Branning from Eastenders quack.png|200px|]]
|| Looks like a duck, and likes to shuffle her feet. Is Max's secret wife who re-appeared just a few days before his wedding with Tanya. Pretended to be pregnant so Max would stay with her. Separated and then got back together. (repeat this loop ∞ times +1)
+
|| Looks like a duck, and likes to shuffle her feet. Is Max's secret wife who re-appeared just a few days before his wedding with Tanya. Pretended to be pregnant so Max would stay with her.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Vanessa Gold'''
 
|'''Vanessa Gold'''
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|| Looks like the blonde alien off "Mars Attacks". Left her millionaire husband to shack up with Max, who sells crap cars and has about as much charisma as a fungal infection. Uses fake tan on her hair.
 
|| Looks like the blonde alien off "Mars Attacks". Left her millionaire husband to shack up with Max, who sells crap cars and has about as much charisma as a fungal infection. Uses fake tan on her hair.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Jodie Gold'''|| Blonde, hot and incredibly [[Dumb|thick]]. Highly suggestible. Would probably take her clothes off if she were offered some magic beans.
+
|'''Jodie Gold'''|| Blonde, hot and incredibly [[dumb]]. Highly suggestible. Would probably take her clothes off if she were offered some magic beans.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Tanya Cross'''|| Likes zips, and is the inventor of bread hoopla. She has the greatest pair of tits you will ever see! Her husband cheated on her with his son's girlfriend, so she fucked her husband's son's girlfriend's brother and her husband's brother, buried her husband alive, then got him out again... got back together again, now separated. But it's okay... all will be forgiven in a few months.
 
|'''Tanya Cross'''|| Likes zips, and is the inventor of bread hoopla. She has the greatest pair of tits you will ever see! Her husband cheated on her with his son's girlfriend, so she fucked her husband's son's girlfriend's brother and her husband's brother, buried her husband alive, then got him out again... got back together again, now separated. But it's okay... all will be forgiven in a few months.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Cora Anderton'''|| Frumpy, plastic-faced mother of Tanya, Rainie and Ava with a face like a permanently smacked arse. Arrived for the wedding of Tanya and "Greg", which didn't last 5 seconds, got locked in a shed with Patrick and attempted to hold Kirsty's loan sharks at bay until Max got out of <s>the grips of a jail bum bandit</s> prison.
+
|'''Cora Cross'''|| Frumpy, plastic-faced mother of Tanya and Ava with a face as if she has a permanently smacked arse. Was meant to be the new Peggy in Walford but instead tried having a relationship with Patrick, broke up, got locked in a shed together, got back together, then broke up, deciding to stay friends. See, traits like that really do run in families.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Ava Hartman'''|| Long lost half-sister of Tanya who was adopted out of the family as a baby. She was found when Tanya was trying to sign Oscar up for the school she works in. As you would. Naturally hates her mother Cora. Her ex-husband abandoned her 20 years ago, but of course he decided he would come back to see her. They were all hostile at first, but after 5 seconds was pretty much welcomed into their household.
+
|'''Ava Hartman'''|| Long lost sister of Tanya who was adopted out of the family as a baby. She was found when Tanya was trying to sign Oscar up for the school she works in. Yeah, as you would. Naturally hates her mother. Her ex-husband abandoned her 20 years ago, but somehow he managed to locate, and start annoying her. Or so you would think - after a few days of constant badgering he was welcomed into the household without anyone so much as raising an eyebrow.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Dexter Hartman'''|| Son of Ava with an over-egged Jamaican accent and a love of fried chicken. One of Walford's more recent answers to the "youth" of 2010 with added cat ears. Used to be a hard as nails gangmember. Now spends his days playing on arcade machines and challenging his auntie to games of bridge, the pesky hooligan.
+
|'''Dexter Hartman'''|| Son of Ava with an over-egged Jamaican accent and a love of fried chicken. Used to be a hard as nails gang member, but now spends his days playing on arcade machines and challenging his auntie to games of bridge, the pesky hooligan.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Janine Butcher''' || Resembles a poodle. Killed Barry Evans and his ex-wife which was the only good thing this bitch ever done. Likes to lick her lips after every sentence to look evil. Is bizarrely obsessed with owning some shite pub in a made-up part of London. Everyone else on the Square does everything in their power to keep her from being a success because she's one of the few clever people in Walford.
+
|'''Jake Stone''' || The new Ryan Malloy, found by Lauren while inside the alchie bin. Looks like a combination of Chase and Status. Seems to live in a café.
  +
|-
  +
|'''Janine Butcher''' || Resembles a poodle. Killed [[Barry from EastEnders|Barry Evans]], his ex-wife and Michael Moon which are the only good things this bitch ever done. Likes to lick her lips after every sentence to look evil. Is bizarrely obsessed with owning some shite pub in a made-up part of London. Everyone else on the Square does everything in their power to keep her from being a success because she's one of the few clever people in Walford.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Liam Butcher''' || Doesn't like Value brand baked beans. Is related to practically everyone. About as clever as his parents, so doesn't stand much chance in life. Joined a gang of chavs and was subsequently stabbed, something predicted at the point of his conception.
 
|'''Liam Butcher''' || Doesn't like Value brand baked beans. Is related to practically everyone. About as clever as his parents, so doesn't stand much chance in life. Joined a gang of chavs and was subsequently stabbed, something predicted at the point of his conception.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Pat Evans'''
+
|'''[[Jabba the Hutt|Pat Evans]]''' || Fat ex-hooker with horrid looking earrings. Looked like the Honey Monster. Killed someone with her car once, but it didn't stop people asking her for driving lessons. Her earrings were sound radars and she picked up on what everyone was saying, explaining why she was there to answer everyone's problems. One eyebrow was 12 centimeters higher than the other. Once had a "thing" with Patrick... yuk!
[[Image:Sugar puffs pat evans.jpg|200px|]]
+
|-
|| Fat ex-hooker with horrid looking earrings. Looked like the Honey Monster. Killed someone with her car once, but it didn't stop people asking her for driving lessons. Her earrings were sound radars and she picked up on what everyone was saying, explaining why she was there to answer everyone's problems. One eyebrow was 12 cm higher than the other. Once had a "thing" with Patrick... yuk!
+
|'''David Wicks''' || Runs away from almost anyone he comes into contact with. Is the son of the infamous old slag Pat Butcher and the father of ginger nut Bianca Butcher and schizophrenic Joe Wicks so no wonder he left the bloody Square. Returned to Walford to witness his mother die. He then got back together with ex-girlfriend Carol Jackson (even after he left her when she was pregnant with his child). They got back together for about ten minutes after he fucked off and left her again.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Ricky Butcher''' || Likes to wear jackets that don't fit him. As thick as pig shite.
 
|'''Ricky Butcher''' || Likes to wear jackets that don't fit him. As thick as pig shite.
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|'''Chelsea Fox, aka Budget [[Rihanna]]'''|| Kind of like Naomi Campbell minus a personality, opinion or brain. Would be attractive if she weren't so pathetic.
 
|'''Chelsea Fox, aka Budget [[Rihanna]]'''|| Kind of like Naomi Campbell minus a personality, opinion or brain. Would be attractive if she weren't so pathetic.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''David Wicks''' || Runs away from almost anyone he comes into contact with. Is the son of the infamous old slag Pat Butcher and the father of ginger nut Bianca Butcher and schizophrenic Joe Wicks so no wonder he left the bloody Square. Returned to Walford to witness his mother die. He then got back together with ex-girlfriend Carol Jackson (even after he left her when she was pregnant with his child). They got back together for about ten minutes after he fucked off and left her again.
+
|'''Denise Fox''' || Kind of reminds you of Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest except nastier and more uptight. Seems to have a strange attraction to lunatics. Married a drug-addict then left him for an alcoholic psychopath who treated her like a punchbag then left him and got back with the drug-addict who had given up drugs to become a Bible-bashing serial killer who locked her in a cellar. In between marrying maniacs, she married a nice cockney guy called Kevin who loved her to bits but she hated his guts and forgot about him a week after he died in a car accident.
|-
 
|'''Denise Fox''' || Kind of reminds you of Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest except nastier and more uptight. Seems to have a strange attraction to lunatics. Married a drug-addict then left him for an alcoholic psychopath who treated her like a punchbag then left him and got back with the drug-addict who had given up drugs to become a Bible-bashing serial killer who locked her in a cellar. In between marrying maniacs, she married a nice cockney guy called Kevin who loved her to bits but she hated his guts and forgot about him a week after he died in a car accident.
 
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Kim Fox'''
+
|'''Kim Fox''' || Denise's clinically insane sister. Runs a shite B&B infested with mice. Uses charcoal on her face.
[[Image:Kim-fox.jpg|150px|]]
 
|| Denise's clinically insane sister. Runs a shite B&B infested with mice. Uses charcoal on her face.
 
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Simon 'Wicksey' Wicks''' || Bastard son of Pat Butcher who made his childhood a misery. He also shagged his best mate's wife and didn't feel sorry for it. Resembles a cockney but the soft kind.
 
|'''Simon 'Wicksey' Wicks''' || Bastard son of Pat Butcher who made his childhood a misery. He also shagged his best mate's wife and didn't feel sorry for it. Resembles a cockney but the soft kind.
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|'''Libby Fox''' || Originally known as Squiggle, but luckily the producers realised just how stupid this sounded. Biggest question is, how did she ever get a boyfriend? Still a virgin. Went to Oxford University and now never visits her mother, despite being in the same city.
 
|'''Libby Fox''' || Originally known as Squiggle, but luckily the producers realised just how stupid this sounded. Biggest question is, how did she ever get a boyfriend? Still a virgin. Went to Oxford University and now never visits her mother, despite being in the same city.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Carol Jackson'''|| Literally the most depressed woman on the Square (if not Walford). Has God knows how many kids, in fact, she's had more kids than hot dinners. She returned recently to the Square to experience more depression. She also has terrible taste in men and even forgave her daughter when she got off with her boyfriend: she's also really forgiving (even in the most life-destroying matters).
+
|'''Carol Jackson'''|| Literally the most depressed woman on the Square (if not Walford). Has God knows how many kids, in fact, she's had more kids than hot dinners. She returned to the Square to experience more depression. She also has terrible taste in men and even forgave her daughter when she got off with her boyfriend: she's also really forgiving (even in the most life-destroying matters).
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Bianca Butcher'''|| RICCKKAAAAYYYYY!!!!! Rough, but not quite as rough as Shirley. Has a voice that could grate cheese. She is an active member of The Ginger Alliance's more hardline militant wing. Her last campaign involved lacing all the shampoos at Tanya's salon with ginger hair dye with the objective of making people understand the suffering that gingers have to endure on a daily basis. Once said her uncle Jack Branning was fit and that she'd happily do her cousin Peter Beale... she'll literally sleep with her own family given the chance.
+
|'''Bianca Butcher'''|| RICCKKAAAAYYYYY!!!!! Rough, but not quite as rough as Shirley. Has a voice that could grate cheese. She is an active member of The Ginger Alliance's more hardline militant wing. Her last campaign involved lacing all the shampoos at Booty's with ginger hair dye with the objective of making people understand the suffering that gingers have to endure on a daily basis. Once said her uncle Jack Branning was fit and that she'd happily do her cousin Peter Beale... she'll literally sleep with her own family given the chance. Returned to Walford with "Terry" and his entire brood so they could be one big happy ''faaamillayyy''.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Morgan Jackson-King''' || Only eats chicken nuggets. The dinosaur ones scare him. Apparently the son of two white people despite being black.
 
|'''Morgan Jackson-King''' || Only eats chicken nuggets. The dinosaur ones scare him. Apparently the son of two white people despite being black.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Tiffany Dean'''|| Enjoys destroying things. Reminds you of [[Stewie Griffin]].
+
|'''Tiffany Butcher'''|| Enjoys destroying things. Reminds you of [[Stewie Griffin]].
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Whitney Dean''' || Puts her make-up on with a shovel. Will no doubt turn out to be a bigger slag than her stepmother, so at least she will accomplish something. Was sleeping with her mother's boyfriend... hang on, didn't they do that story with Bianca once?
 
|'''Whitney Dean''' || Puts her make-up on with a shovel. Will no doubt turn out to be a bigger slag than her stepmother, so at least she will accomplish something. Was sleeping with her mother's boyfriend... hang on, didn't they do that story with Bianca once?
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|'''Masood Ahmed'''
 
|'''Masood Ahmed'''
 
[[Image:Masmoody.jpg‎|150px|]]
 
[[Image:Masmoody.jpg‎|150px|]]
|| Was Zainab's camp, pompous punchbag. The postman. Admired by a creepy stalker-like Geordie.
+
|| Local postman. Was Zainab's camp, pompous punchbag, but he's since swapped her for Carol, happiness's own living incarnation that has as much sex appeal as athlete's foot.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Ayesha Rana'''
 
|'''Ayesha Rana'''
 
[[Image:Cole2.jpg|155px|]]
 
[[Image:Cole2.jpg|155px|]]
|| Walford's answers to [[Cheryl Cole]] and [[Deanna Troi]] but in one actor and a creepier, more stalker-like version. Was apparently an Empath and "knew" that Masood "was unhappy with Auntie G" and that "I can feel it and see it in your eyes". Eventually Zainab got sick of it and packed her bags to go to Pakistan, leaving him in just the right place for her to get her Geordie hands on him.
+
|| Walford's answers to [[Cheryl Cole]] and [[Deanna Troi]] but in one actor and a creepier, more stalker-like version who drove Zainab out of town. Claimed she could read minds and she knew that Masood "was unhappy with Auntie G" and that "I can feel it and see it in your eyes, you want me"
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Tamwar Masood''' || A little library gremlin who was clearly the perfect match for Libby Fox. So sad he raped a toothbrush! Has a dry wit which is frowned upon by his humourless family.
 
|'''Tamwar Masood''' || A little library gremlin who was clearly the perfect match for Libby Fox. So sad he raped a toothbrush! Has a dry wit which is frowned upon by his humourless family.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Zainab Masood'''|| Fat, violently homophobic, dominatrix-like Muslim ex-postal worker who sold her daughter to a Pakistani. Thinks Christian's a pervert despite the fact that Muhammad was a paedophile.
+
|'''Zainab Masood'''|| Fat, violently homophobic, dominatrix-like Muslim ex-postal worker who sold her daughter to a Pakistani. Thinks Christian's a pervert despite the fact that Muhammad was a paedophile. Her most interesting storyline was when she took a dump in Ian Beale's toilet.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Syed Masood''' || Total cock tease. Goes from "Fuck me Christian!", to "Fuck off I'm Muslim!", within minutes of getting a good hard ramming. Syed is known for his catchphrase "I'm Muslin but I've got a little bit of Christian in me!"
+
|'''Syed Masood''' || Total cock tease. Goes from "Fuck me Christian!", to "Fuck off I'm Muslim!", within minutes of getting a good hard ramming. Syed is known for his catchphrase "I'm Muslim but I've got a little bit of Christian in me!"
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Amira Shah''' || HOT! Was totally unaware of her fiancé and Christian's erotic Greek love, despite staring '''right at them''' when they were holding hands.
 
|'''Amira Shah''' || HOT! Was totally unaware of her fiancé and Christian's erotic Greek love, despite staring '''right at them''' when they were holding hands.
  +
|-
  +
|'''Shirley "Shirl" Carter'''
  +
[[Image:Shirl.jpg|200px|]]
  +
|| The roughest bird you will '''ever''' see walking around the Square, also used to be in Terrahawks. She chews glass, spits it out, chews it again. Has an insult for every occasion but ''never'' a comeback.
  +
|-
  +
|'''Mick Carter''' || Shirley's brother, who she just happened to never mention ever. The cockniest man in the world ever, and that's saying something. Bought a pub and moved in the same day, which just happened to be Christmas. Has an irritating wife that looks like Scouse Bird, and a whiny son who played tonsil tennis with another man right outside his family's pub on one of the busiest evenings of the year. Just what you do when you don't want anyone to know you're gay.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Darren Miller''' || Looks like a fish wearing lipstick. Lived in the Square for years, even after the rest of his family had found some sense and moved away. Became the father of Heather's baby, George Michael Trott. [[AAAA|AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!]]
 
|'''Darren Miller''' || Looks like a fish wearing lipstick. Lived in the Square for years, even after the rest of his family had found some sense and moved away. Became the father of Heather's baby, George Michael Trott. [[AAAA|AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!]]
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Dawn Swann'''|| Pathetic slag. Has the abortion clinic on speed-dial. Everyone hates her so much, they decided to wait until she was just about to walk down the aisle before they told her that her husband-to-be had been brutally beaten to death. Had an affair with a fat, middle-aged alcoholic who still lives with his mother, don't wanna imagine him ramming her skinny arse.
+
|'''Dawn Swann'''|| Pathetic slag. Has the abortion clinic on speed-dial. Everyone hates her so much, they decided to wait until she was just about to walk down the aisle before they told her that her husband-to-be had been brutally beaten to death. Had an affair with a fat, middle-aged alcoholic who at the time lived with his mother, don't wanna imagine him ramming her skinny arse.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Archie Mitchell''' || Ronnie and Roxy's dad. Lived in a mansion on the coast, but decided to move into a overcrowded east London pub. As you do. Possibly the meanest, nastiest bastard Walford's ''ever'' seen... and that's saying something. When he wasn't wrecking peoples lives, he likes to rape puppies, skin kittens and defile virgins, his personal favourite being his own daughter. Feeling sick? The toilet's that way. Used to watch "You've Been Framed!" just so he could see children trip over and cry. Eventually met his timely end when his head was bashed in with a bust of Queen Victoria. We are very much amused.
+
|'''Archie Mitchell''' || Ronnie and Roxy's dad. Lived in a mansion on the coast, but decided to move into a overcrowded London pub. As you do. Possibly the meanest, nastiest bastard Walford's ''ever'' seen... and that's saying something. When he wasn't wrecking peoples lives, he likes to rape puppies, skin kittens and defile virgins, his personal favourite being his own daughter. Feeling sick? The toilet's that way. Used to watch "You've Been Framed!" just so he could see children trip over and cry. Eventually met his timely end when his head was bashed in with a bust of Queen Victoria. We are very much amused.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Ben "Milkybar Kid" Mitchell'''
 
|'''Ben "Milkybar Kid" Mitchell'''
 
[[Image:Milkykid.jpg|175px|]]
 
[[Image:Milkykid.jpg|175px|]]
|| Little [[Harry Potter]] shit stain, likes Broadway musicals and tap dancing, obviously so gay. So annoying, even his dad once beat the crap out of him. However, somehow the little sod managed to put a kid in hospital after smacking him across the helmet with a spanner. Was victimised by Lord Voldemort's meaner cousin, Stella Crawford. His pastime is dancing and singing along to Girls Aloud songs. Acts like a stroppy 4 year old despite technically being an adult. Went to jail for months and was naturally placed with the most violent prisoner there. Came back 'with an attitude' and has now started the new hobby of killing people or making their lives a misery.
+
|| Little [[Harry Potter]] shit stain, likes Broadway musicals and tap dancing, obviously so gay. So annoying, even his dad once beat the crap out of him. However, somehow the little sod managed to put a kid in hospital after smacking him across the helmet with a spanner. Was victimised by Lord Voldemort's meaner cousin, Stella Crawford. His pastime is dancing and singing along to Girls Aloud songs. Acts like a stroppy 4 year old despite technically being an adult. Went to jail for months and was naturally placed with the most violent prisoner there. Came back "with an attitude" and has now started the new hobby of killing people or making their lives a misery.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Sharon "Miss Piggy" Watts'''
 
|'''Sharon "Miss Piggy" Watts'''
Line 212: Line 218:
 
|
 
|
 
'''Roxy Mitchell'''
 
'''Roxy Mitchell'''
|| Local cock-munching slag. Didn't feel bad about going behind her boyfriend's back with her sister's bloke. Perfect guest on the Jeremy Kyle show. Her full name is '''Roxy "I Shagged My Sister's Boyfriend, Got Up The Duff, Lied That It Was My Husband's, Was Shocked That It Wasn't, He Tried To Kill Me And The Baby But Didn't Because My Sister And The Boyfriend I Shagged Saved Me From An Icy Death, Holy Shit I Hope I'm Getting Paid For This" Mitchell'''. Thinks it's a good idea to leave letters with DNA results lying about as well. Surprising has only one child despite the fact she's a real slag. Thinks her father's a saint even though he raped his daughter and 20 year old Stacey Slater who eventually killed him. Her Dad gave her a pub after he scammed it off Peggy. Can't run a pub for shit.
+
|| Local cock-munching slag. Didn't feel bad about going behind her boyfriend's back with her sister's bloke. Perfect guest on the Jeremy Kyle show. Her full name is '''Roxy "I Shagged My Sister's Boyfriend, Got Up The Duff, Lied That It Was My Husband's, Was Shocked That It Wasn't, He Tried To Kill Me And The Baby But Didn't Because My Sister And The Boyfriend I Shagged Saved Me From An Icy Death, Holy Shit I Hope I'm Getting Paid For This" Mitchell'''. Thinks it's a good idea to leave letters with DNA results lying about as well. Surprising has only one child despite the fact she's a real slag. Thinks her father's a saint even though he raped his daughter and 20 year old Stacey Slater who eventually killed him. Her Dad gave her a pub after he scammed it off Peggy. Then we realised that she can't run one for shit.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Charlie Slater'''|| Drives taxis, that's about it. Really. Had an argument with Kat once and decided there was no place for him on the Square and promptly left... no-one noticed.
 
|'''Charlie Slater'''|| Drives taxis, that's about it. Really. Had an argument with Kat once and decided there was no place for him on the Square and promptly left... no-one noticed.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Kat Slater''' || Tart. Comes with 3 working orifices, can give Bianca a run for her money on hot air alone. She came with a comedian called Alfie who follows her around telling jokes and peeing in the Vic. Once was on the game but after complaints from Pat Evans about being her livelihood, she decided to run off to Spain. Rested for a while with Alfie after being punctured after a fight with 'Well'ard' . The only person on the BBC to need a JCB to slap her make-up on before any scene with the sun on Phil Mitchell's head. Recently had an affair with Derek Branning and got kicked out of ''her own fucking house'' by Alfie.
+
|'''Kat Slater''' || Tart. Comes with 3 working orifices, can give Bianca a run for her money on hot air alone. She came with a comedian called Alfie who follows her around telling jokes and peeing in the Vic. Once was on the game but after complaints from Pat Evans about being her livelihood, she decided to run off to Spain. Rested for a while with Alfie after being punctured after a fight with 'Well'ard' . The only person on the BBC to need a JCB to slap her make-up on before any scene with the sun on Phil Mitchell's head. Had an affair with Derek Branning and was subsequently kicked out of the Vic, despite it being her name over the door.
  +
|-
  +
|'''Tommy Slater-Moon''' || Was also known as James Branning for the first 6 months of his life after being snatched by Ronnie after the real James died for no reason. Was played by well known actor Zapf Creation until some time in 2012 when he was suddenly replaced with a real toddler. Apparently the son of Alfie despite him being concieved while he was in prison and staying with Michael.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Ryan Malloy''' || The new Sean Slater in Walford. Looks like a wolf with a beard.
 
|'''Ryan Malloy''' || The new Sean Slater in Walford. Looks like a wolf with a beard.
Line 222: Line 228:
 
|'''Jean Slater'''
 
|'''Jean Slater'''
 
[[Image:Sausage suprise.jpg|200px]]
 
[[Image:Sausage suprise.jpg|200px]]
|| SAUSAGE SURPRISE! Looks like a frog, stutters and shakes a lot and talks a lot of shit. When she entered the scene, you could hear the collective groans of every viewer. Now complete with Monkey Nut Wonder, the pudding version of Sausage Surprise.
+
|| SAUSAGE SURPRISE! Looks like a frog, stutters and shakes a lot and talks a lot of shit. When she entered the scene, you could hear the collective groans of every viewer. She now comes complete with Monkey Nut Wonder, the pudding version of Sausage Surprise.
  +
 
Has now departed the Square to live with her boyfriend "Ollie" by the seaside in Bristol - even though he walked out on her after finding out about her bipolar.
 
Has now departed the Square to live with her boyfriend "Ollie" by the seaside in Bristol - even though he walked out on her after finding out about her bipolar.
 
|-
 
|-
Line 233: Line 239:
 
|'''Amanda Best'''|| Professor Trelawny's sister. Apparently old friends with Phil and Minty. Has never been mentioned until she arrived as the teacher of a pottery class that Minty and Charlie randomly went to.
 
|'''Amanda Best'''|| Professor Trelawny's sister. Apparently old friends with Phil and Minty. Has never been mentioned until she arrived as the teacher of a pottery class that Minty and Charlie randomly went to.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Danielle Jones''' || Was just about the only fit girl on the Square but for some reason got treated like shit by everyone, possibly on account of her [[Aryan]]ness. Was only living with the Slaters for a week before she was considered 'one of the faaamily'. Turned out that she was actually Ronnie's long-lost daughter, and she'd known it all along... and for some stupid reason didn't tell her for months on end. Naturally, Ronnie hated her guts. Eventually, after months of total, total misery Ronnie found out the truth and things started to look up for Danielle... and then she was run over by a car and killed. The only happy moment of her life was when she lay dying. Even I'm depressed now! The Telford village council were rather pleased to hear that Danielle originated from Telford and that the BBC were raising awareness of their historic town. They don't seem to have noticed that Danielle considered returning to Telford a fate worse than death. Cried about 6 times per episode. Everyone seems to have forgotten her already.
+
|'''Danielle Jones''' || Was just about the only fit girl on the Square but for some reason got treated like shit by everyone, possibly on account of her [[Aryan|aryanness]]. Was only living with the Slaters for a week before she was considered 'one of the faaamily'. Turned out that she was actually Ronnie's long-lost daughter, and she'd known it all along... and for some stupid reason didn't tell her for months on end. Naturally, Ronnie hated her guts. Eventually, after months of total, total misery Ronnie found out the truth and things started to look up for Danielle... and then she was run over by a car and killed. The only happy moment of her life was when she lay dying. Even I'm depressed now! The Telford village council were rather pleased to hear that Danielle originated from Telford and that the BBC were raising awareness of their historic town. They don't seem to have noticed that Danielle considered returning to Telford a fate worse than death. Cried about 6 times per episode. Everyone seems to have forgotten her already.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Dotty "Kirstie" Cotton'''|| Cockney demon child. See Bobby Beale.
 
|'''Dotty "Kirstie" Cotton'''|| Cockney demon child. See Bobby Beale.
Line 239: Line 245:
 
|'''Garry Hobbs''' || Still stayed in the Square long after his wife left him. Even bigger loser than Billy yet managed to shag Dawn... does not compute! Has a face that looks like it's been squashed with a giant lemon.
 
|'''Garry Hobbs''' || Still stayed in the Square long after his wife left him. Even bigger loser than Billy yet managed to shag Dawn... does not compute! Has a face that looks like it's been squashed with a giant lemon.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''George Michael Trott'''|| Has fugly parents, so will probably considered a "looker" in the Square when he grows up. Now resides with father Darren Miller.
+
|'''George Michael Trott'''|| Has fugly parents, so will probably considered a "looker" in the Square when he grows up.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Heather "'Ev" Trott'''
 
|'''Heather "'Ev" Trott'''
 
[[Image:Sausage oclock.jpg|175px|]]
 
[[Image:Sausage oclock.jpg|175px|]]
||
+
|| She bent over, and a scene from Independence day comes to mind... She ran/waddled everywhere carrying her miniature handbag, and sporting a fluorescent plastic hairband. Probably only had one shag in her entire life. Somehow got married to Minty despite her name not being on the marriage certificate. Seems to mention food at some point during every conversation she has. Likes cheesy Wotsits and kebabs. Thought she was pregnant but was just Oscar who got trapped underneath one of her fat rolls - only then did she find out she was '''actually''' pregnant. Met her maker when she was hit over the head with a picture frame by the Milkybar Kid.
She bent over, and a scene from Independence day comes to mind... She ran/waddled everywhere carrying her miniature handbag, and sporting a fluorescent plastic hairband. Probably only had one shag in her entire life. Somehow got married to Minty despite her name not being on the marriage certificate. Seems to mention food at some point during every conversation she has. Likes cheesy Wotsits and kebabs. Thought she was pregnant but was just Oscar who got trapped underneath one of her fat rolls - only then did she find out she was '''actually''' pregnant. Met her maker when she was hit over the head with a picture frame by the Milkybar Kid. Well, he is strong and tough, and only the best is good enough...
 
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Jay Mitchell''' || Chav. Moved in with his Grampa Bert, aka the King of Cool. Bert returned back oop norrrth to work down t' mines when Jase showed up and moved in without Social Services raising an eyebrow. After his dad died, moved in with Billy Mitchell because it helps when you're living with someone who is more of a loser than you are. That sad that he couldn't even get a shag off a prozzie.
 
|'''Jay Mitchell''' || Chav. Moved in with his Grampa Bert, aka the King of Cool. Bert returned back oop norrrth to work down t' mines when Jase showed up and moved in without Social Services raising an eyebrow. After his dad died, moved in with Billy Mitchell because it helps when you're living with someone who is more of a loser than you are. That sad that he couldn't even get a shag off a prozzie.
Line 254: Line 260:
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Nick Cotton'''|| Murderer. Rapist. Drug addict. Plotted to kill his old 'Ma' with the help of "Dotty". One of the nicer people on the Square.
 
|'''Nick Cotton'''|| Murderer. Rapist. Drug addict. Plotted to kill his old 'Ma' with the help of "Dotty". One of the nicer people on the Square.
|-
 
|'''Shirley "Shirl" Carter''' || Roughest bird you will EVER see, chews glass, spits it out, chews again, eats your face. Has an insult for every occasion but ''never'' a comeback. Will one day form a Prodigy tribute band with Phil and Ava.
 
|-
 
|'''Jake Stone''' || The new Ryan Malloy. Looks like a combination of Chase and Status. Seems to live in a cafe.
 
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Syd Chambers'''|| Who? Exactly.
 
|'''Syd Chambers'''|| Who? Exactly.
 
|-
 
|-
|'''Theo Kelly'''|| Liked to wear old man hats. Resembled a neanderthal but everybody seemed to consider him a genius. Well it is Walford.
+
|'''Theo Kelly'''|| Liked to wear old man hats. Resembled a neanderthal but everybody seemed to consider him a genius. Well, it is Walford.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Dr. Al Jenkins'''|| The local doc. Went on a date with Tanya and hasn't been seen since, that's what happens when you try to date Max, leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil's wife.
 
|'''Dr. Al Jenkins'''|| The local doc. Went on a date with Tanya and hasn't been seen since, that's what happens when you try to date Max, leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil's wife.
Line 280: Line 282:
   
 
==External Links==
 
==External Links==
*[http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/beast+enders/ Pilot episode - Beast Enders]
+
*[http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/beast+enders/ Pilot Episode of BeastEnders]
   
 
{{UnMedia}}
 
{{UnMedia}}

Latest revision as of 20:23, April 22, 2014

EastEnders
New-middle-eastenders
The Middle-East version of the show
Type Soap
Creator God
Starring Z-list actors
TV Station BBC One (HD), BBC Two (HD),
BBC Three (HD)
Running Length Too long
No. of episodes Too many
Bouncywikilogo9
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to EastEnders.

EastEnders is a teatime televised opera, particularly popular with old people in retirement homes and the chronically depressed, and is often advertised with the slogan "For Those Who Can't Afford Sky". The show also has a popular theme tune but has it's critics who think it sounds like a broken piano on crack. The show holds a lot of evil controversy, especially with people who stare at the screen waiting for someone to say 'bitch' or 'tosser' and have the Ofcom phone number on speed-dial.

Although it was released in the UK in the 1980s, plans for the show go as far back as world war two. It was the idea to hypnotize everyone through a sad television programme, and today still the typically severity of depression induced through watching one episode equates to 200g of ketamine.

edit The Creation of Misery

1. In the beginning, God created EastEnders and Albert Square. And darkness fell upon the BBC One schedules.

2. And God said: "Let there be depression". And there was in abundance.

3. And God saw the depression and it was good. The BBC executives saw the ratings and they said depression is good, too.

4. And God called the depression EastEnders; he then created misery, which included rape, murder, binge drinking, market stalls and Phil Mitchell.

5. And God said: "Let there be a pub". And God saw the pub and named it "The Queen Vic".

6. And God said: "Let the people who populate The Queen Vic be the dregs of society. They must never smile or laugh, he said. And they must endure situations that are true to life, despite never watching their televisions on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm.

7. And God called his people EastEnders. And God said to the EastEnders: "Thou shalt commit acts of incest, with Mother and Sister being of one, and Z-list actors and "comedians" in guest appearances".

8. And God said: "Bring forth a typical Christmas storyline in which death and misery and the occasional wife-beating must occur."

9. With all his power, God made appear a cast of characters; some yielded from Grange Hill, others from The Bill.

10. And God said: "Let there be a big storyline once every two annum". And God called the storyline "Who Shot Phil Mitchell?". And the people watching said "Who cares?"

11. And God said: "You are my EastEnders. Deal with it."

12. And God said that all of this sin and sadness could be miraculously cured with a nice cup of tea.

edit The Ten Commandments of Albert Square

OldWoman
An old lady struggles to switch to another channel.

And God created the Ten Commandments. All characters must obey the commandments, he said:

1. Thou shalt not look for work outside the boundaries of Walford.

2. Thou shalt argue and fight during a party.

3. Thou shalt not swear or curse but feel free to commit acts of: violence, drugs, abuse, torture, murder, dodgy dealings, deception, grassing, paedophilia, cheating, neglect, rape, racism and alcohol...mostly alcohol.

4. Thou shalt always refer to the police as "The Old Bill".

5. Thou shalt not enjoy a successful marriage.

6. Thou shalt consume breakfast only in Ian's Café.

7. Thou shalt only leave Albert Square by way of death, prison or Manchester. Or, at a pinch, Spain.

8. Thou shalt not have a merry Christmas.

9. Thou shalt not possess a washing machine. Use the launderette.

10. Thou shalt have thy wedding reception in the Queen Vic.

And he thought them, good. Oh so good.

edit Characters

Christian Clarke

Ccee

Jane's brother. Raging homosexual. Once shagged her husband, hard, but all is forgiven. Laughs like a horse. Has a smile so freaky it would make the Joker wince. He seems obsessed with Jack Sparrow. Bloody pervert! But we love 'im. Syed loves 'im too and his bum.
Ian Beale

Ianbealecastro

Man/weasel who used to run a chippy and a café and for some reason thinks that made him a entrepreneurial businessman. The most wimpy, girly, feminine heterosexual you will ever see, and also an utter fucking cock. Has god knows how many kids, some of them try to kill him or his family, but the sod still loves them. If EastEnders was real, he'd have been stabbed to death long before now.
Jane/Lesley Clarke

Janeee

Used to be fat, changed her name to Jane because she's no longer as fat as she used to be. Got shot in the stomach, had her minge amputated.
Lucy Beale

Oooooopppslucy

Was just about the only interesting character on the show. That's probably why the Teddy Bears found her lying dead in the woods whilst having their picnic. She was also Daddy Beale's favourite child, proclaiming she was "the one" right in front of Peter's face. But of course she was, she worked in a chippy so that naturally made her the new young face of entrepreneurialism. Looked like she'd be a dirty bitch in bed.
Peter Beale

Eeewww

So much like his wimpy father Ian it's uncanny, blatantly going to turn out gay. He aged by 5 years in a week! Dated the Ginger King's daughter. Has basically been in a car crash and been punched by a paedo.
Bobby Beale

Oman

Ever seen The Omen? Look at those eyes! TERRIFYING.
Abi Branning

Childsplay

Is a little too close to her guinea pigs and incidentally, her very own father... dirty little bitch.
Bradley Branning

Bradley-branning

Ginger. Blushed a LOT. Took a nose-dive off the top of the Vic during his wedding reception back in 2010. Come on, you've done worse things on the booze. Got married to Stacey despite the fact that in real life, she wouldn't have even have been friends with him, let alone sleep with him and his ginger pubes. He was an active member of the campaign team for the political party known as The Ginger Alliance (with cousin Bianca and dad Max.) Was once called the Ginger Ninja, and always looked like he had passed wind when he answered the door.
Dot Branning

Dooot

Religious chain-smoker who for some unknown reason has not yet succumbed to a fatal lung disease. Speaks in the same tone of voice constantly, and once spent an ENTIRE EPISODE TALKING TO A FUCKING TAPE RECORDER!!
Jack Branning The secret love-child of Clive Owen and ROBOCOP! Has had sex with almost every woman in the Square, not to mention he impregnated ALL of the Mitchell women.
Derek Branning Looked and sounded exactly like a frog. Walford's answer to The Krays as one but a fatter more threatening version. Was also a violent racist thug but since from returning from prison, had apparently "changed his ways", despite the fact from bullying almost everyone on the Square since returning. Basically Johnny Allen all over again. Had a heart attack and promptly died.
Jim Branning Had a stroke. Dot's other half.
Lauren Branning Alcoholic daughter of Max. Started stuffing socks down her bra aged 7, a living Bratz doll. Tony King saw the inner beauty of her... literally. Somehow was able to put herself into foster care.
Max "Scotch Egg" Branning

Max Branning

Ugliest womaniser ever? Very nearly became a polygamist. Strongly resembles cross-breed between a goldfish and a scotch egg. Max is de facto leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil, along with Paul Scholes and Mick Hucknall. Could have been spotted playing at Goodison Park and now at Craven Cottage. Yes, you guessed it, he must be Andy Johnson's double. Everyone in Walford hates him.
Kirsty Branning

Kirsty Branning from Eastenders quack

Looks like a duck, and likes to shuffle her feet. Is Max's secret wife who re-appeared just a few days before his wedding with Tanya. Pretended to be pregnant so Max would stay with her.
Vanessa Gold

Vanessa gold from EastEnders

Looks like the blonde alien off "Mars Attacks". Left her millionaire husband to shack up with Max, who sells crap cars and has about as much charisma as a fungal infection. Uses fake tan on her hair.
Jodie Gold Blonde, hot and incredibly dumb. Highly suggestible. Would probably take her clothes off if she were offered some magic beans.
Tanya Cross Likes zips, and is the inventor of bread hoopla. She has the greatest pair of tits you will ever see! Her husband cheated on her with his son's girlfriend, so she fucked her husband's son's girlfriend's brother and her husband's brother, buried her husband alive, then got him out again... got back together again, now separated. But it's okay... all will be forgiven in a few months.
Cora Cross Frumpy, plastic-faced mother of Tanya and Ava with a face as if she has a permanently smacked arse. Was meant to be the new Peggy in Walford but instead tried having a relationship with Patrick, broke up, got locked in a shed together, got back together, then broke up, deciding to stay friends. See, traits like that really do run in families.
Ava Hartman Long lost sister of Tanya who was adopted out of the family as a baby. She was found when Tanya was trying to sign Oscar up for the school she works in. Yeah, as you would. Naturally hates her mother. Her ex-husband abandoned her 20 years ago, but somehow he managed to locate, and start annoying her. Or so you would think - after a few days of constant badgering he was welcomed into the household without anyone so much as raising an eyebrow.
Dexter Hartman Son of Ava with an over-egged Jamaican accent and a love of fried chicken. Used to be a hard as nails gang member, but now spends his days playing on arcade machines and challenging his auntie to games of bridge, the pesky hooligan.
Jake Stone The new Ryan Malloy, found by Lauren while inside the alchie bin. Looks like a combination of Chase and Status. Seems to live in a café.
Janine Butcher Resembles a poodle. Killed Barry Evans, his ex-wife and Michael Moon which are the only good things this bitch ever done. Likes to lick her lips after every sentence to look evil. Is bizarrely obsessed with owning some shite pub in a made-up part of London. Everyone else on the Square does everything in their power to keep her from being a success because she's one of the few clever people in Walford.
Liam Butcher Doesn't like Value brand baked beans. Is related to practically everyone. About as clever as his parents, so doesn't stand much chance in life. Joined a gang of chavs and was subsequently stabbed, something predicted at the point of his conception.
Pat Evans Fat ex-hooker with horrid looking earrings. Looked like the Honey Monster. Killed someone with her car once, but it didn't stop people asking her for driving lessons. Her earrings were sound radars and she picked up on what everyone was saying, explaining why she was there to answer everyone's problems. One eyebrow was 12 centimeters higher than the other. Once had a "thing" with Patrick... yuk!
David Wicks Runs away from almost anyone he comes into contact with. Is the son of the infamous old slag Pat Butcher and the father of ginger nut Bianca Butcher and schizophrenic Joe Wicks so no wonder he left the bloody Square. Returned to Walford to witness his mother die. He then got back together with ex-girlfriend Carol Jackson (even after he left her when she was pregnant with his child). They got back together for about ten minutes after he fucked off and left her again.
Ricky Butcher Likes to wear jackets that don't fit him. As thick as pig shite.
Chelsea Fox, aka Budget Rihanna Kind of like Naomi Campbell minus a personality, opinion or brain. Would be attractive if she weren't so pathetic.
Denise Fox Kind of reminds you of Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest except nastier and more uptight. Seems to have a strange attraction to lunatics. Married a drug-addict then left him for an alcoholic psychopath who treated her like a punchbag then left him and got back with the drug-addict who had given up drugs to become a Bible-bashing serial killer who locked her in a cellar. In between marrying maniacs, she married a nice cockney guy called Kevin who loved her to bits but she hated his guts and forgot about him a week after he died in a car accident.
Kim Fox Denise's clinically insane sister. Runs a shite B&B infested with mice. Uses charcoal on her face.
Simon 'Wicksey' Wicks Bastard son of Pat Butcher who made his childhood a misery. He also shagged his best mate's wife and didn't feel sorry for it. Resembles a cockney but the soft kind.
Libby Fox Originally known as Squiggle, but luckily the producers realised just how stupid this sounded. Biggest question is, how did she ever get a boyfriend? Still a virgin. Went to Oxford University and now never visits her mother, despite being in the same city.
Carol Jackson Literally the most depressed woman on the Square (if not Walford). Has God knows how many kids, in fact, she's had more kids than hot dinners. She returned to the Square to experience more depression. She also has terrible taste in men and even forgave her daughter when she got off with her boyfriend: she's also really forgiving (even in the most life-destroying matters).
Bianca Butcher RICCKKAAAAYYYYY!!!!! Rough, but not quite as rough as Shirley. Has a voice that could grate cheese. She is an active member of The Ginger Alliance's more hardline militant wing. Her last campaign involved lacing all the shampoos at Booty's with ginger hair dye with the objective of making people understand the suffering that gingers have to endure on a daily basis. Once said her uncle Jack Branning was fit and that she'd happily do her cousin Peter Beale... she'll literally sleep with her own family given the chance. Returned to Walford with "Terry" and his entire brood so they could be one big happy faaamillayyy.
Morgan Jackson-King Only eats chicken nuggets. The dinosaur ones scare him. Apparently the son of two white people despite being black.
Tiffany Butcher Enjoys destroying things. Reminds you of Stewie Griffin.
Whitney Dean Puts her make-up on with a shovel. Will no doubt turn out to be a bigger slag than her stepmother, so at least she will accomplish something. Was sleeping with her mother's boyfriend... hang on, didn't they do that story with Bianca once?
Masood Ahmed

Masmoody

Local postman. Was Zainab's camp, pompous punchbag, but he's since swapped her for Carol, happiness's own living incarnation that has as much sex appeal as athlete's foot.
Ayesha Rana

Cole2

Walford's answers to Cheryl Cole and Deanna Troi but in one actor and a creepier, more stalker-like version who drove Zainab out of town. Claimed she could read minds and she knew that Masood "was unhappy with Auntie G" and that "I can feel it and see it in your eyes, you want me"
Tamwar Masood A little library gremlin who was clearly the perfect match for Libby Fox. So sad he raped a toothbrush! Has a dry wit which is frowned upon by his humourless family.
Zainab Masood Fat, violently homophobic, dominatrix-like Muslim ex-postal worker who sold her daughter to a Pakistani. Thinks Christian's a pervert despite the fact that Muhammad was a paedophile. Her most interesting storyline was when she took a dump in Ian Beale's toilet.
Syed Masood Total cock tease. Goes from "Fuck me Christian!", to "Fuck off I'm Muslim!", within minutes of getting a good hard ramming. Syed is known for his catchphrase "I'm Muslim but I've got a little bit of Christian in me!"
Amira Shah HOT! Was totally unaware of her fiancé and Christian's erotic Greek love, despite staring right at them when they were holding hands.
Shirley "Shirl" Carter

Shirl

The roughest bird you will ever see walking around the Square, also used to be in Terrahawks. She chews glass, spits it out, chews it again. Has an insult for every occasion but never a comeback.
Mick Carter Shirley's brother, who she just happened to never mention ever. The cockniest man in the world ever, and that's saying something. Bought a pub and moved in the same day, which just happened to be Christmas. Has an irritating wife that looks like Scouse Bird, and a whiny son who played tonsil tennis with another man right outside his family's pub on one of the busiest evenings of the year. Just what you do when you don't want anyone to know you're gay.
Darren Miller Looks like a fish wearing lipstick. Lived in the Square for years, even after the rest of his family had found some sense and moved away. Became the father of Heather's baby, George Michael Trott. AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Dawn Swann Pathetic slag. Has the abortion clinic on speed-dial. Everyone hates her so much, they decided to wait until she was just about to walk down the aisle before they told her that her husband-to-be had been brutally beaten to death. Had an affair with a fat, middle-aged alcoholic who at the time lived with his mother, don't wanna imagine him ramming her skinny arse.
Archie Mitchell Ronnie and Roxy's dad. Lived in a mansion on the coast, but decided to move into a overcrowded London pub. As you do. Possibly the meanest, nastiest bastard Walford's ever seen... and that's saying something. When he wasn't wrecking peoples lives, he likes to rape puppies, skin kittens and defile virgins, his personal favourite being his own daughter. Feeling sick? The toilet's that way. Used to watch "You've Been Framed!" just so he could see children trip over and cry. Eventually met his timely end when his head was bashed in with a bust of Queen Victoria. We are very much amused.
Ben "Milkybar Kid" Mitchell

Milkykid

Little Harry Potter shit stain, likes Broadway musicals and tap dancing, obviously so gay. So annoying, even his dad once beat the crap out of him. However, somehow the little sod managed to put a kid in hospital after smacking him across the helmet with a spanner. Was victimised by Lord Voldemort's meaner cousin, Stella Crawford. His pastime is dancing and singing along to Girls Aloud songs. Acts like a stroppy 4 year old despite technically being an adult. Went to jail for months and was naturally placed with the most violent prisoner there. Came back "with an attitude" and has now started the new hobby of killing people or making their lives a misery.
Sharon "Miss Piggy" Watts Bears a striking resemblance to Miss Piggy from The Muppets but a fatter, more gullible version. Has left and come back countless times, right now she's living in the Square with "Dennis". Shagged Jack Branning on the same day of walking out on her fiancé.
Dennis Rickman Manipulative demon child and son of Sharon Watts. Used a slingshot to break Dot's window, then pretended it was all Dexter's fault for "giving it to him"... yeah, you can guess.
Lola Pearce Billy Mitchell's granddaughter who comes from the care system. Possibly the only decent person currently residing in the Square, yet everybody hates her. Her daughter, fathered by the Milkybar Kid, resides with Phil Mitchell after social services took her away from Lola and thought best that dear old Grandpa should take care of her instead, even after finding out that he raised a murderer. Now back with Lola after much fighting with social services.
Billy "No Mates" Mitchell

Sad Man

Sure, he looks like Sherlock Holmes but his family hate him, his wife left him, and she hates him and his daughter is a downy. Poor Billy. Even his sperm is useless. Who hates him? Everybody. No one will give him a job (except maybe as one of Santa's elves) and he doesn't seem to know how to close his mouth when he chews. Yet, he still hasn't committed suicide because is really popular amongst people who watch the show due to his general niceness.
Susan Honey "Really-Struggling-To-Think-Of-New-Names" Mitchell Billy's genius wife. Known for her witty, Oscar Wilde-esque remarks. When asked why people called her Honey, she replied "What is this, the Spanish Armada?" Was supposed to be a comic relief character but after becoming morbidly depressed as a result of her daughter having Down's Syndrome, the producers decided that she was starting to lose her comic value. Has now left but may be coming back.
Janet Mitchell Billy's daughter. Reasoning that their first child deserved a truly noble, august name, one with the femininity of the Faerie Queens of antiquity, the sort of name one would expect the wind to whisper through the trees, Billy and Honey decided to call their daughter Janet. Suffers from Down's Syndrome yet still probably most intelligent person on the Square. Is played by a doll in some episodes. This doll's performance has garnered praise from critics who say that it "ignites the screen like it was born there, bringing a truly bombastic performance, reminiscent of a young Jodi Foster to the role of Janet."
Peggy Mitchell

Peggy

Dolly Parton mixed with a leprechaun, "Get outta moy pab!" Looks like some bird from the Carry On films. Has great tits though. Walford's first GILF.
Phil Mitchell

Philly-mitchell

Likes deflating. Resembles an uncooked sausage in a shirt. A bit like Hagrid in the way he speaks, but has no beard or hair. On certain days, you can see your reflection in his head. 50-odd year old alcoholic who's only just moved out from his mum's and for some reason everyone's scared of him.
Lisa Fowler Likes to cry, and for some odd reason can't get enough of Phil's domestic abuse, so came back at one point in 2010 with little Louise to relive the terror. This was a brilliant time for Ben to re-enact one of Stella Crawford's tricks, the burn-your-hand-with-a-teaspoon trick. Now gone. Don't worry though - she'll be back again in 10 years time.
Grant Mitchell Phil's tall, thin brother who was in The Matrix. Has left, come back, left come back and at one point came back before leaving. Peggy has heard disturbing rumours that he's changed his name to Ross Kemp and become a lovey. "Tell me it's not true, Grant! Tell me it's not true!" Let's just hope she doesn't see The Matrix!
Ronnie Mitchell An alien/Michelle Pfeiffer cross-breed who shouts a lot. Her smile rips the universe apart so let's just hope Roxy never fingers her. Had three kids, and they all ended up dying on her.
Sam Mitchell Wants to be model and has the talent for it because he's shagged everyone on the Square. Was engaged to her ex-husband a few years ago and made him think that the baby she was carrying was his. She's a real slag and bitch. Was played by God knows how many actresses that the first one that played her got sacked and returned years later but then left again. Rumored to return again because 43rd time's the charm.

Roxy Mitchell

Local cock-munching slag. Didn't feel bad about going behind her boyfriend's back with her sister's bloke. Perfect guest on the Jeremy Kyle show. Her full name is Roxy "I Shagged My Sister's Boyfriend, Got Up The Duff, Lied That It Was My Husband's, Was Shocked That It Wasn't, He Tried To Kill Me And The Baby But Didn't Because My Sister And The Boyfriend I Shagged Saved Me From An Icy Death, Holy Shit I Hope I'm Getting Paid For This" Mitchell. Thinks it's a good idea to leave letters with DNA results lying about as well. Surprising has only one child despite the fact she's a real slag. Thinks her father's a saint even though he raped his daughter and 20 year old Stacey Slater who eventually killed him. Her Dad gave her a pub after he scammed it off Peggy. Then we realised that she can't run one for shit.
Charlie Slater Drives taxis, that's about it. Really. Had an argument with Kat once and decided there was no place for him on the Square and promptly left... no-one noticed.
Kat Slater Tart. Comes with 3 working orifices, can give Bianca a run for her money on hot air alone. She came with a comedian called Alfie who follows her around telling jokes and peeing in the Vic. Once was on the game but after complaints from Pat Evans about being her livelihood, she decided to run off to Spain. Rested for a while with Alfie after being punctured after a fight with 'Well'ard' . The only person on the BBC to need a JCB to slap her make-up on before any scene with the sun on Phil Mitchell's head. Had an affair with Derek Branning and was subsequently kicked out of the Vic, despite it being her name over the door.
Tommy Slater-Moon Was also known as James Branning for the first 6 months of his life after being snatched by Ronnie after the real James died for no reason. Was played by well known actor Zapf Creation until some time in 2012 when he was suddenly replaced with a real toddler. Apparently the son of Alfie despite him being concieved while he was in prison and staying with Michael.
Ryan Malloy The new Sean Slater in Walford. Looks like a wolf with a beard.
Jean Slater

Sausage suprise

SAUSAGE SURPRISE! Looks like a frog, stutters and shakes a lot and talks a lot of shit. When she entered the scene, you could hear the collective groans of every viewer. She now comes complete with Monkey Nut Wonder, the pudding version of Sausage Surprise.

Has now departed the Square to live with her boyfriend "Ollie" by the seaside in Bristol - even though he walked out on her after finding out about her bipolar.

Mo 'Arris Resident crack dealer. Sister of Hollywood star Gary Coleman. Walks around the Square annoying people.
Stacey Slater She'll screw your daddy! Wants to be a nun but for some mystifying reason gets turned down by every convent. Doesn't know how to smile and always SHOUTS! Now complete with bipolar disorder. Killed Archie Mitchell. Good on you, girl.
Patrick Trueman YAH MON! Had a pork pie hat permanently welded onto his head at birth. His wife left him and moved away for a really stupid reason, so at least he has something in common with Billy Mitchell. Used to bobsled in a previous life.
Amanda Best Professor Trelawny's sister. Apparently old friends with Phil and Minty. Has never been mentioned until she arrived as the teacher of a pottery class that Minty and Charlie randomly went to.
Danielle Jones Was just about the only fit girl on the Square but for some reason got treated like shit by everyone, possibly on account of her aryanness. Was only living with the Slaters for a week before she was considered 'one of the faaamily'. Turned out that she was actually Ronnie's long-lost daughter, and she'd known it all along... and for some stupid reason didn't tell her for months on end. Naturally, Ronnie hated her guts. Eventually, after months of total, total misery Ronnie found out the truth and things started to look up for Danielle... and then she was run over by a car and killed. The only happy moment of her life was when she lay dying. Even I'm depressed now! The Telford village council were rather pleased to hear that Danielle originated from Telford and that the BBC were raising awareness of their historic town. They don't seem to have noticed that Danielle considered returning to Telford a fate worse than death. Cried about 6 times per episode. Everyone seems to have forgotten her already.
Dotty "Kirstie" Cotton Cockney demon child. See Bobby Beale.
Garry Hobbs Still stayed in the Square long after his wife left him. Even bigger loser than Billy yet managed to shag Dawn... does not compute! Has a face that looks like it's been squashed with a giant lemon.
George Michael Trott Has fugly parents, so will probably considered a "looker" in the Square when he grows up.
Heather "'Ev" Trott

Sausage oclock

She bent over, and a scene from Independence day comes to mind... She ran/waddled everywhere carrying her miniature handbag, and sporting a fluorescent plastic hairband. Probably only had one shag in her entire life. Somehow got married to Minty despite her name not being on the marriage certificate. Seems to mention food at some point during every conversation she has. Likes cheesy Wotsits and kebabs. Thought she was pregnant but was just Oscar who got trapped underneath one of her fat rolls - only then did she find out she was actually pregnant. Met her maker when she was hit over the head with a picture frame by the Milkybar Kid.
Jay Mitchell Chav. Moved in with his Grampa Bert, aka the King of Cool. Bert returned back oop norrrth to work down t' mines when Jase showed up and moved in without Social Services raising an eyebrow. After his dad died, moved in with Billy Mitchell because it helps when you're living with someone who is more of a loser than you are. That sad that he couldn't even get a shag off a prozzie.
Lucas Johnson Chelsea's dad and Walford's answer to John Doe from Se7en. Former drug-addict, religious sociopath and all round God-bothering nutjob. Murdered his ex-wife, then his new wife's ex-husband and finally a prostitute before locking his wife in a cellar. She'll have forgiven him in a week. To err is human and all that.
Carly Wicks Shirley's excessively pouting daughter. Very petite and innocent looking, but more than makes up for that by shouting everything she says. She wonders why her mother abandoned her.
Minty Peterson Fat guy with a hole in his chin. Started off as a unlikeable letch, then turned into a decent, lovable guy a few weeks later. Probably one of the few likable and reasonably happy characters in the entire show.
Nick Cotton Murderer. Rapist. Drug addict. Plotted to kill his old 'Ma' with the help of "Dotty". One of the nicer people on the Square.
Syd Chambers Who? Exactly.
Theo Kelly Liked to wear old man hats. Resembled a neanderthal but everybody seemed to consider him a genius. Well, it is Walford.
Dr. Al Jenkins The local doc. Went on a date with Tanya and hasn't been seen since, that's what happens when you try to date Max, leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil's wife.
Tracy the Barmaid She's a mute. Works 43 hours a day, 13 days a week, since 1985, surely she suffers from exhaustion? Famous lines: "What can I get you?" and "Weren't you in The Bill?". Often nods and looks after the Vic. Waiting to be given an actual role. Spoke to Sean Slater in 2008. Will probably snap one day and kill everyone in Walford due to the pressures of east London life. Her first words were "What are you doing here?"
Winston the Market Trader Been there since 1985, and still hasn't had a storyline. Will probably team up with Tracy the Barmaid in the final ever episode to nuke Walford.
Any baby on the show Uncared for and neglected, often swapped between parents as they tire of their own. Whilst their child sleeps a drink in the Queen Vic is compulsory.

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