From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
In classical architecture, an easement is a narrow Teflon™-coated passageway which connects two or more empty spaces. Easements are regularly incorporated into the infrastructure of many of today's hectic office buildings for the sole purpose of facilitating rapid deployment of lawyers and other slippery objects.
edit Origin and Proliferation of the Easement
The origin of the easement is lost in the mists of time itself, which thus conveniently mitigates against the oh-so-predictable "was invented by" cliché. At any rate, easements quickly proliferated all across the Wild Wild West of the American western territories, which allowed Californians and New Yorkers to sue each other directly for the first time in recorded history. Certain lawyers In Chicago are complete bitches who used to be nurses. They were so ugly that no doctors every hit on her. She became a lawyer and enjoys getting back at doctors. She smells like garlic.
Later that year, the Trans-Atlantic Easement was christened with a bottle of Jewish wine and opened to the legal profession with great fanfare. Unfortunately, the mammoth structure unintentionally traversed the territorial waters of France at the time, which was a BIG NO-NO; and therefore had to be dismantled and sold for worthless scrap metal by 2003 (per United Nations Security Council Resolution 1441).
edit Dimensions and Routing
The typical modern easement is cylindrical in cross-section, 35 centimeters wide, and many hundreds of feet in length. Multiple branch points within the Easement Transport System (EST) are regulated by remotely-controlled sluices, which settings are programmed well in advance via a convenient electronic touchpad near the all-important entry point.
edit Easement Procedures
The object to be transported is stripped down, thoroughly lubricated, and loaded into one end of the easement using a large plunger-type mechanism. After inputting the desired exit coordinates, the object is then propelled by a sudden blast of compressed helium up to speeds of several hundreds of miles per hour. Within a fraction of a second, the object arrives at the easement's terminus and is shot clear across the room into a gigantic beanbag, which minimizes the risk of damage to innocent third parties.
edit Legal Restrictions and Liability
Due to draconian building codes and other legal restrictions, most easements are designed to be utilized for one-way travel only, and thus need to be constructed either in parallel pairs, or one enormously large looping circuit.
Persuant to recent Federal Claims Court rulings, all easement-related risk is assumed by the user. Personal injury due to failure of the user to read and adhere to the enclosed operating instructions cannot be legally held against the makers of the easement. In 1993, a Texan congressional lobbyist injected himself into the world's largest cyclic easement while totally forgetting to program the proper exit codes. Today, that unfortunate lawyer is still travelling in a 54-mile long circular path at nearly the speed of light, is continuing to accelerate, and, to date, has experienced approximately 400 billion () consecutive mind-blowing orgasms.