Earthquake

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Earthquake.

Earthquake is a scientific term developed by historical revisionists to explain away the setting off of underground nuclear weapons along fault lines worldwide. Rather than alarm the public with such scary sentences as "we blew up another fault line today", the PC (politically corrupt) coalition came up with the more acceptable term of "earthquake" to allay public fears of doomsday scenarios. The earthquake is accompanied by loud rumbling, breaking open of ground, and panicked girlfriends (Source: 1970s disaster movies).

Prior to the mid 1900s, and the development of nuclear weapons,earthquakes were virtually non-existant. However, history has revealed to the conspiracy theorists in western Idaho that every time the US declares war on various natural resource rich nations, the Richter Scale goes into grand mal convulsions. The largest unreported nuclear event to date occurred around early 2005 in the Indonesian region, in particular near the partially constructed oil pipeline under the indonesia sea. What the international media euphemistically described as a tsunami was in fact, a politically "inspired" pipeline rupture.

[edit] False Theories

In the event of an earthquake, stand under here for hilarious results.

The World Geological Survey have always claimed that earthquakes are the result of a variety of geological phenemonena. As depicted by the film The Core, they originally told the public that this was in fact the Earth's core stalling and shuddering to an abrupt halt before starting up again causing more tremors known as aftershocks. However, after scientists proved that the Earth has no such rotating core, the public demanded answers.

Water slipping down cracks in the ground was then blamed as the cause of this, with oil seepages lubricating cracks further to allow parts of the Earth to grind together, forming shock waves through the ground. Another theory included the planet being shaken by giant masses of plasma as solar storms effectively bombard the Earth's atmosphere, knocking us out of orbit for short periods of time. After no relationship was found between earthquakes, aurora borealis and short term climate change, the excuse was then that an asteroid belt between Earth and Mars occasionally created short, periodic turbulent air movements, despite floating about in a vacuum (with space originally thought to be 98% N, 1% O & 1% CO2 at the time).

Clutching at straws, scientists then went back to basics and invented a theory about the plate tectonics and how the movement of plates can cause earthquakes around plate margins. This theory then yet again fell apart after a mysterious earthquake on Boxing Day, 2006 which rocked the small town of Dumfries in Scotland, which just happens to be nowhere near a tectonic plate margin. Therefore, taking into account the Boxing Day tsunami of 2004, they then created a theory about how earthquakes and tsunamis may have been linked after being separated by exactly 2 years.

[edit] History

Before plate tectonics were described by Queen Latifah the earth was static and no earthquakes ever happened. No one knew what an earthquake was, resulting in the earthquakes deciding not to even bother. Once discovered people became aware of earthquakes and since then mountains have grown, beaches have sunk, malaria became airborne and earthquakes have claimed more lives than Campbells Soup.

On May 16th, 2008, an earthquake ravaged the nation of Etchasketchistan. This disaster was caused by the country's fame, a very large woman named Marge, falling over and creating a pit into the bottomless abyss.

[edit] Future

Nostrafat Head and his brother Nostradogbert predict "the quaking of the earth shall feel like the hardest bang a slut ever had." Although many have equated earthquakes with the end of days, the regularity of these quakes will only lead one to believe "Oh shit, the world's going to end" at least once a year.

[edit] Rare local-local-local Earthquake

You will often find Rare local-local-local Earthquakes in Norway, especially in the southern regions.

Loud and scary
-98.05 on the Richter's scale
Affects earth 3 - 5 meters in radius
Invented by Grue

[edit] Awesome Theories

In 2006, according to Mel GIbson(who is never wrong), a group of Jewish scientists will develop a earthquake, or as they call it "A Quake so stimulating it will make you orgasm" in the year 2012, the same year Jesus is said to return from his vacation in New Orleans with ex-president George W. Bush.

The first ever Mexican scientist has issued a status report on this "Jewgasmic Earthquake" as many citizens are now beginning to call it, and has said that the earthquake will only be the result of latin-american couples fighting all over the country, creating massive vibrations of Spanish, Portuguese, and even Italian languages flowing in the airways at one instant, which is highly sensitive to the earth's ear. In a follow up to this horror-striking, inevitable incident, Dutch scientists have come up with another theory on how it will all take place. With the help of 5 outdoor chairs and lots of Heineken, they concluded that the earthquake will make the shape of an ass with a ass-crack in the middle. The scientists, however, later burned the evidence of this theory - even though it was half a paper with pictures of naked men on it- due to the fact that they were drunk. One of the scientists, Jackson von Stranglecough, told us about his "thrilling" experience, "Ahh man we were so fucking drunk dude...hahahahaha we had like anal sex the whole morning, then decided to take a break and have some Kit Kat. It was totally a bonding experience between fellow scientists conducting research." Later, when journalists asked Jackson about the actual research itself, he simply "ROFL'd" and took off his pants. One black journalist, in particular, took this very seriously, began yelling very fast sounds like: yo, nigga, dats, penis, jerked his hand back and forth, and finally broke into tears and ran away. Many were taken off guard by this act and sued the "Black Man", many claiming "He wasted 9 seconds of my life". The courts took these accusations very seriously and sentenced the "Black Man" to death by use of an electric chair. Judge Judy, the judge of the court trial, was later arrested for "yelling like a bitch". She was also sentenced to death by an electric chair, but the courts changed that after many people requested she be beheaded. By this time, the theory of the Latin-American earthquake, named "Mamma Mia!" was completely forgotten about. Instead, many people tuned into Day 1-98 of the celebration of Judge Judy's Beheading, ignoring the fact that their fucking backyard was torn in half.

According to the Chinese, earthquakes are said to be the reaction of Mother Nature when she has an orgasm.

The following are short but devastating theories:

-If you stab the earth, you're fucked/an earthquake will happen.

-If you compliment an earthquake, it will kill your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend

-When an earthquake happens, 69% of the population began to masterbate

-Earthquakes are created by vampires ( <------Who the fuck wrote that?!)

-The Olympics was inspired by Marilyn Monroe, Pickles, Bob Dylan, and earthquakes

-Every 690 years, a super-earthquake is made (this is the dream of all women who like vibration...if you know what i mean)

-Your pimples can forecast an earthquake

-Your Mom...

-A lightning bolt fucked a tornado, and the result was an earthquake.

-2 + 2 = huge earthquakes

-A typhoon is the sister-in-law of an earthquake, while a volcano is the maid of an earthquake (explaining why volcanoes are HOT!)

-If you go into the bathroom, spin three times chanting "Earthquake", a vibrator will appear in your vagina.

- Kiarash Heshmati is awesome

[edit] Did You Know?

- Jesus was once an earthquake hunter...until one summer night when he broke his lasso trying to grapple a hill. He soon resorted to making wine with his uncle Tom Sawyer

- Larry King once had an interview with an earthquake, but became sworn enemies with the earthquake after mistakingly hearing that his wife had slept with an earthquake, even though the tattle-tale had actually said "She was sleeping on earth...OMG! A QUAKER BAR!". Because Larry King was old, could not hear well, and was simply fucking retarded, he assumed that his wife had sex with an earthquake, obviously ignoring the fact that earthquakes are females and do not wield a Sword of Wisdom (penis). Thus, he sneaked up on his wife one night (even though she was dead for almost 4 years then) and tied her up. Since the wife was not responding to his sexual demands (she was dead), Larry decided to just jack-off to his wife, even though he knew it would take at least a day just for him to get a boner. The next morning, he lit his wife on fire, began chanting sacred Irish rituals, and sacrificed a wild goat he had recently adopted from Angola. After that, Larry ignored all of the Earthquake's phone calls and posted a hate blog on Myspace, titling it as "My struggles with Earthquakes".