Eagles

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Haast's eagles are extinct. You can help Uncyclopedia by locating a live one and writing an article about how you did it. That stupid ass sculpture by Mark Hill obviously does not count as a live Haast's eagle.
“Fucking Eagles”
~ Oscar Wilde on Eagles
Eagles

America's Pride: The Bald Eagle

“Fucking Humans
~ Eagles on Humans


“Fucking Everyone
~ Philadelphia Eagles on Everyone
“Fucking SHUT UP
~ Sparrow on everyone

Eagles are large birds of prey which have powerful wings, sharp talons and other structural adaptations that totally kick ass. Eagles are only found in the United States of America and parts of Antarctica. Though the way more awesome Super Eagles can only be found in the UK. Due to America's obsession with bald eagles, the rest of the world regards them as "a bit shit."

Philip Mahogany was once convicted of gross indecency with an eagle, but it was later discovered that such a man did not exist.

There are 6 species of Eagle:

Badass-bird

Blackbird tries to cash in on the Eagle's coolness

  1. Bald Eagle
  2. American Eagle
  3. Philadelphia Eagle
  4. B-3 Bomber
  5. Bald Eagle
  6. Desparado
  7. Hotel California
  8. Eagle Scout
  9. The Eagles of Death Metal
Cute bunny1

An evil Communist bunny.

Eagles have always been an enduring symbol of Freedom, Disco Music and the Republican Party. They also have confused with superman, but upon closer inspection he is usually found to be a plane instead.

They were first created by the US Government in 1341 AD to defend America's forests from the evils of Communism. At that point of time, the Soviets were sending in hordes of brainwashed Commie Rabbits (among other small, furry animals) to invade our woodlands. The rabbits were quick, but the eagles were faster. Those Commie Bastards never knew what hit them. By 1360, the Rabbits withdrew from America forever, and the star-spangled banner flew high. Mario (A.K.A Joseph Stalin) was one pissed off Bosko.

The remaining evil bunnies were killed off by freedom-loving school-children and speedsters. During the war, a few unofficial and often overlapping alliances were formed with the Fish tribes of America. However, it was soon discovered that the Fish were vehement supporters of 'Water Conservation' and other Unamerican ideologies.

To this very day, the Eagle continues to defend our holy land in the sea, the forests and the air.

Eagles in popular Culture

For some unexplainable reason, authors and moviemakers seem to think themselves tremendously clever when using a simile/metaphor/sex toy involving Eagles. Some popular works of fiction involving Eagles:

  • "Where Eagles dare."
  • "Legal Eagle"
  • "Hump that Eagle"
  • "Hump that Beagle"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle"
  • "When Eagles ruled the Earth."
  • "When Eagles take a pee."
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 2: Who let the dog out?"
  • "Don't touch my Eagle"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 3: Who let the bird out?"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 4: Final Battles"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 5: Ultra Battle"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 6: I Need Money"
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