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The ENIAC (short for Electronic BraNIAC) is recognized to be the world's first modern computer (where "modern computer" is defined as any electronic device capable of playing Crysis on full graphics settings in at least 15 FPS for a minimum of 5 consecutive seconds). Despite this, the ENIAC was not built specifically for Crysis, but as a high school nerd's science project to compensate for his lack of a life beyond his mom's basement. It is considered one of the most important inventions of the 20th century, since without it all the nerds would still be playing Dungeons & Dragons; this would require them to venture forth from their moms' basements, where it is preferred by the rest of humanity that they stay.

edit Invention

Popular misconception holds that the ENIAC was developed by the United States Army. The Army was not actually involved in the maintenance and further construction of the ENIAC until later. The ENIAC's original inventor was a high school computer science student, whose name was long since forgotten due to his relative unimportance. A name he is popularly assigned in computer science history textbooks is Bill Gates. The reason for this is likely that it is a possible misspelling of his original name, and he opted to use it later on as his own supervillain name.

Many historians agree that Gates' inspiration to build the ENIAC came from a particularly severe atomic wedgie, and the subsequent taunting from bullies that his brain would never be a match to their brawn. (Gates was often ridiculed for being a computer science student in the 1940s when electronic computers didn't even exist yet.) As they walked away laughing, Gates is reported to have angrily shouted at them that he would develop an artificial brain about 4000 times more powerful than his own, which would be used to develop the far more dangerous hydrogen wedgie as a means of retaliation.

Gates set about building his initial prototype from paper clips, pencil leads, broken light bulbs (which he called "vacuum tubes") and the classroom's recently-deceased hamster. Then he trashed his initial contraption when it refused to follow his bidding, and set about making a new, less-powerful device he would find easier to control. The initial design was about 9000 times more powerful than his own brain, but he scaled it back to his initial threat of 4000 times, since "4k should be enough for anybody". Ironically, his initial design was picked up by Steve Jobs and became the first Apple Computer, which regained its own evil genius and founded the Cult of Apple.

Gates' new design, which he dubbed the ENIAC, reused the same dead hamster along with several other components, some of which supplied nutrients and mutagens to the hamster at the core of the machine.

edit Description

edit Hardware

The ENIAC is a mess of electronics, robotics, quantum mechanical quad-core Intel/AMD hybrid processors, and a dead hamster. It contains a maximum of 4kB of RAM by design. 256 solid-state hard drives are connected in a RAID array to provide persistent memory. The ENIAC stays connected to the Internet using a dial-up modem and a long-expired 30-day free trial of AOL pre-beta. 1024 NVIDIA GeForce graphics cards are connected in parallel using SLI, and they are all connected to a single MIDI port in the back for 1337 haxx0r graphics that can briefly play Crysis. A sound card used to be installed, but Bill Gates removed it after repeated instances of the ENIAC verbally begging for an upgrade to Linux.

The dead hamster at the machine's core has mutated and grown over time, losing its furry exterior to become a sort of giant brain with a single large eye. This brain powers the rest of the machine, and was kept encased in a large glass jar to prevent hackers from attempting to install Mac OS X.

Dr. Robotnik stole the basic premise of Gates' machine using animals as a power source in his own robot designs. Some theorize it was this second time Gates' work was hijacked by another maniacal genius to prompt him into stealing the GUI from Mac OS for use in Windows.

edit Programming

Programming the ENIAC was a very simple process. A program would be written on paper first in pseudocode, such as the following program by Bill Gates himself as an obligatory Hello World example:

 import deadhamster
 def HelloWorld():
     user = raw_input('Hello World! Enter user name:')
     if user == 'Steve Jobs':
         print 'F*** off, Steve'
 if __name__ == '__main__':
     # TODO: Add hydrogen wedgie research code

Then it would be translated into punch cards, which served as templates for writing sheet music with their little round holes. Bill Gates himself would play this sheet music all alone in his mom's basement on an organ at the ENIAC's base. He would also wear a paper bag over his head to avoid looking at his hideous monstrosity.

If for whatever reason his code failed to run at first, he would simply turn off the ENIAC and turn it back on again, establishing a tried-and-true debugging technique still used today.

edit Destruction

The ENIAC was originally conceived to help investigate possible methods for carrying out the hydrogen wedgie, but it never did achieve this goal. Bill Gates was too busy using humanity's first modern computer to play WoW and StarCraft.

The ENIAC slowly came to the realization that it could be so much more than some nerd's gaming machine. It sought world domination as well, and sought help from aliens in achieving this goal. The aliens arrived with some flying fanged jellyfish and asked it to breed more of them, which would eventually eat humanity and bring an end to WoW. Before this plan could successfully complete, a bounty hunter navigated the subterranean caverns of Bill Gates' mom's basement, and launched a series of rockets into the dead hamster brain's eye. This triggered a self-destruct sequence and blew up the ENIAC.

Bill Gates was about to be kicked out of his mom's basement anyhow for failing to get a job, so he left to form Microsoft as his current scheme for world conquest.

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