English Defence League
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“The English League Defence is the last line in the sand before the tide comes in. Get ready with your bucket and spades patriots!”
The English Defence League is an organisation based in England that believes that their country is under attack by
Islamers Muslims all immigrants regardless of race, age or gender and needs a weekly Saturday night brawl to prove it. It is sometimes mistaken as the English anti-Scottish Independence Campaign however it's origins were actually first appeared when the Leeds United, Newcastle game was cancelled and lots of drunk fans roamed the streets of Yorkshire finding anyone they could to blame.
No one is entirely sure what the EDL are defending against (least of all the members themselves) but as far as anyone can work out it has something to do with beating up immigrants, hating on Muslims and doing football hooliganism. Anyone without a patriotic tattoo is also on the list.
The EDL was formed in 2009 by a small tribe of hooligans in Luton who decided to take it upon themselves to defend the nation against the threat of Islamification and the introduction of sharia law into the British legal system. They like to spend their weekends travelling the country visiting towns with large proportions of Muslims in order to intimidate and generally cause trouble, although this only takes place during the summer when there's no football on. During the football season they split off into little tribes and fight amongst themselves. This practice may have something to do with territory or be connected to their mating rituals. Another theory is that the EDL was set up to give football hooligans something to do during the summer. Their arch rival and nemesis is the UAF or "the great unwashed" as they are sometimes known.
The group has recently forged links with the American 'Tea Party', which not only comments on their progress intellectually but also on their realisation that America is part of England and should be defended too.
The EDL are notorious for having bad spelling, punctuation and grammar, which is kind of ironic really because you'd think people who are so damn proud of being English would have a better grasp of their own native tongue. Their favorite slogan is "Sport Are Troop's".
They are divided up into 'divisions', the largest of these being the 'EDL Keyboard Division' who are in charge of making racist comments on Facebook and various internet forums. Nearly everyone in the Keyboard Division is a 6' 4" ex-paratrooper who has served in Iraq and/or Afghanistan, or at least that is what they all claim. This could be bollocks, however, as the paras are one of the British Army's most elite murder squads and don't tend to accept recruits who are overweight alcoholics with erectile dysfunction who cannot formulate simple sentences.
Dress code and mannerisms
EDL members are easy to identify by their Burka type clothes. They have an inability to distinguish the difference between a native of Pakistan and everyone else from the Middle East and Asia. They have a very distinctive sound which has been described as "music for the deaf" (Freddy Mercury). They are often found with an alcoholic drink in their hand, usually Stella because it goes down well with the three and a half grams of cocaine the fuckwit hoovered up his nose on the bus down to a demonstration.
Muslamic Ray Guns
The EDL have been very vocal on the subject of 'Muslamic Ray Guns'. These weapons of Mass Cultural Conversion are said to exist and are stored secretly in mosques. EDL members tell of stories of friends who are abducted as they walk past muslims and come back with new names like Ali or Mustafa, proving they have been changed. One EDL spokesman with a can of beer in one hand (to prove he wasn't a muslim) said this was 'appnin tho, its appnin in ova contrees'.
Women's role in the EDL
The EDL have regional divisions and each is assigned an EDL Angel. Each EDL Angel will quite literally bend over backwards for their division and think of England!
The EDL Angels are also easy to identify by their knickers, which will be found keeping their ankles warm while they 'tend' to EDL member's needs! The EDL Angel has several, unexplained, marks on their face, generally a black eye, cold sores and a look of bitterness toward the shit hand that life has dealt them!
The EDL has held many protests, or 'Demos', in various towns and cities despite the locals of the towns and cities asking/begging them not to! Which is usually responded to by the EDL with "If you don't want us there, you must be a commie town/city, you Muzzie scum".
This level of political discourse has seen the EDL leaders in the news. In order not to alarm their supporters or the authorities, EDL leaders come across as exceptionally dim witted and stupid. Those on the political left this is a deliberate policy of lowering their guard and that it is difficult to alarm people if the supposed enemy looks and sounds like a moron.
Leadership and aims
The EDL's leader is Stephen Yaxley Lennon AKA Tommy Robinson. Which came as a surprise to Kevin Carroll, (Tommy's deputy) as he was under the assumption that he was leader after his patriotic appearance on a TV programme called ' Young, British and stupid'
The EDL was originally formed to defend England from Extremist Islam but more recently the EDL have been focused on stopping the construction of and the dismantling of ALL Muslamic ray guns!
The EDL is also part of a wider group of defence leagues that have sprung up elsewhere. There is the Scottish Defence League, though as they list the English as their number one enemy, relations between them and the EDL are limited. Since the SDL is apt to fight amongst itself anyway, they are far less effective than the EDL. The Welsh also have their defence league whilst the Irish have two, often three after a night of drinking a lot of Guinness.
In other countries defence leagues have turned into fully functioning political parties like the Swedish Democrats or the Peoples Party in Denmark. France's Front National is of this same family. The chances of the EDL following this path depend in whether the British Conservative party explode before 2015.
The EDL has attracted a lot of publicity following the Norwegian mass murderer Anders Brevik's claim he got all his ideas from them. Calling himself Andrew Berwick, Brevik was able to mix with the EDL without detection or anyone noticing he spoke English with a Norwegian accent. EDL's leaders said they had 'expelled' him but no evidence was produced. Since then the EDL has gone into decline, a drop in fortune that parallels former England captain John Terry and his off the ball problems with other men's girlfriends and accusations of racial abuse. No one is sure there is a link but Terry has been a popular chant topic with EDL members at football matches, depending of course if you supported his football team Chelsea or not.
- ↑ It is well-known that the EDL came to life after some ex BNP members (Kevin Carroll, Stephen Yaxley Lennon, Richard Price and his "Nephew") were refused entry to a Greek kebab shop because they were drunk and rowdy. The following day, they met up, in a pub to reflect on the previous nights events, one of them stated that the shop owners were not English, so therefore must be 'Pakis' and further more, they must be 'Muslim Pakis' ! In that flash of thickspiration the EDL was born!
You Tube link to explain the 'Muslamic Ray Guns' line:-