Dying

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“To know”
~ Homer Simpson on Sour Grapes
“Happened to me once. No big deal.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dying
“I can't be bothered to give a fuck about it!”
~ Punk rock on Dying
“Mmmph mph mmmmnmphh mphh.”
~ Kenny on Dying
“RRREEEARRGGGHHHH!!!! I KILLED DEATH! Fuckin suck it bitches.”
~ Chuck Norris on the Grim Reaper

Dying is some really bad stuff that can happen to you. It's even worse than an orgasm, although some scientists have claimed it is a type of orgasm. The side effects of dying can be looking nasty, disfigurement, mutilation, injury and death, though of the previous only death is present in most cases.

edit The history of dying

For a long time atheist scientists believed dying to be a type of desease contracted while being conceived by your mom and dad. So for over 4000 years dying was considered to be an STD. The religious ones believed we die because Adam and Eve burst God's bubble. Gee, thanks a lot.

However in world war two of Hitler's evil satanic nazi units were attempting to sumon really evil powers to kill a lot of people. This led to the discovery of the grim reaper and it changed our perception of what dying really is. That is NOT an STD {you can still die if you don't use a condom though [even though uncyclopedia classifies condoms as an STD (I like brackets)]}.

edit Types of dying

The are several ways to die, though the most probable way to die is some way of interacting with Chuck Norris. It will probably be the way you'll die.

Other types of dying include:

  • Having ANY type of experience involving one or several Grues.
  • Being eaten by a turtle
  • Being eaten by bears
  • Jumping too high (because it's TOO high, get it?)
  • Being killed
  • Being owned to death
  • Reading this article for 12 minutes without breathing
  • Drugs (at least that's what they want you to think)
  • Getting drived by (contrary to popular belief that does not classify as getting killed)
  • Slipping on a banana peel and landing on a land mine (oh a LAND mine, now I get it)
  • Not hitting the brakes
  • Burning
  • Pissing off a black woman
  • Mushrooms
  • Getting tripped to death
  • Animals
  • Being welcomed to the jungle
  • My Parrot (she's some type of demon, not an animal)
  • Stuff
  • Samuel L. Jackson
  • Guns
  • Lots of gun
  • AIDS Cock
  • Trying to avoid Chuck Norris
  • Reading Twilight and ACTUALLY LIKING IT(see the Twilight Virus)
  • Pissing Bowser off

edit The process of dying

edit Initial dying

To begin dying you must be involved in at least one type of dying. Dying can last anywhere from a second to decades. After everything goes black, or you maybe see a tunnel of light or a bunch of flames (depends if you're an atheist or not) you've started to seriously die. If you've been dying hard enough you will evolve to the second level of dying which is called death. After death a bunch of neat stuff happens.

edit Death (the second level)

JD2
It really just comes down to how much this bloke likes you.

After this has happened you might fall in to shock, this can be prevented by pretending you're a pokémon. They evolve in a simmilair way.

If you're not sure you're dead, here are the basic simptoms:

  • Not being able to move
  • Not being able to speak
  • Not being able to talk
  • Not being able to do anything really
  • If your organs have stopped working
  • You're potentialy lying in a pool of blood

When you are dead you are awarded a rank of either a corpse, body, cadaver, and if you manage to do it anonimusly your new name will be John Doe.

Also besides the initial rank there are several stages of being dead:

  1. Slightly dead
  2. Pretty dead
  3. Only Mostly Dead
  4. Dead
  5. Really Dead
  6. Fucking gone
  7. To the extent of where it isn't funny anymore

edit How to prevent dying

  • Knocking on wood whenever somebody says something bad like "Aw man this shit'll kill you!" If you can't find any wood in the proximity you are allowed to knock on your head. You aren't allowed to knock on musical instruments or Ents. They'll fuck you up bad. And if you try to hide it, it won't work.
  • Not dying
  • Living
  • First aid
  • Eating ambrozia
  • Hospitals
  • Selling your soul
  • Necromancy
  • Being Jesus (though only one individual has managed to be Jesus, his name was Jesus)
  • Condoms
  • Kicking the Grim reaper in the bollocks
  • Drinking the urine of a ram(in heavy german accent)

edit Comming back from death

There are many ways to come back from death

These include:

  • Becoming a vampire
  • Getting necromanced (this will change your corpse/body/cadaver status in to a zombie rank, which is good, because zombies have way more hit points, but are uglier and dumber, unless you're a zombie. And if you're resurected with no soft tissue, you will be called a skeleton.)
  • Being a pirate
  • Going platinum
  • Not eating the salmon moose
  • Pretending you were dead
  • Negotiating with Saint Peter in ways that cannot be mentioned on this post.

edit Trivia


  • You are going to die
  • You're dying right now
  • Lookout behind you!
  • You totally fell for that, didn't you?

edit See also

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