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Yo yo, hook it up, dis be D-Wade representin' it fo da 3OH5, bringin' serious skills and serious kills to da net. Gangstarrific, fo shizzle, hookin' it up wit my homeboys up in NYC, Opa Loka, da ATL, South Side, or whateva hood you be representin'. So I was just cruisin' down I95 lookin fo' some serious booty, when I checked it on mah iPhone and I found this whack website. Yo, dis Uncyclopedia shit be makin' no sense at all. But what's worse, it ain't got no article on D-Wade. I'z here to hook you boyz up wit sum serious infomation on da man. Fo' real.
Haha, just kidding. I can actually type in coherent English. And I don't really live in the hood. I actually make my home in Pinecrest, home of Miami's rich and beautiful.
On the court or off the court, I try to be polite and respectful to everyone I meet.
AWWW SNAP, I GOT YALL MOFUCKAS AGAIN! I do really type like dis, fo' real. And I don't give a shit what you, or da media, or da NBA, or dose bitches be callin 'emselves concerned mothers think about me. I play my own game, both on da court and off. I stick it to da mofuckas in defense, and den put it down in offence. And dat's da way I live my life. Fo' real. I hate my scrub ass teammates, except Haslem cuz I like him and Beasley cuz he look like dat nigga Carmelo Anthony wit them dumb ass Cornrows in his head. Oh and Chalmers good too, but then other niggas fuckin scrubs who don't know how to play basketball. Fo'real
So I'z come from da South Side of Chicago, where I had to fight to survive, yo. But I found my escape from da ghetto in basketball. I dominated in high school, dominated in college, and quickly started to dominate in da NBA. Fo' real. My grandma was ignorant and cudn spell Dwyane right. A'm still too poor to legally change my name.
I was recruited fo da Miami Heat and began representin' from day one. Unfortunately ESPN and the critics focused all they's attention on dat clown LeBron James. In mah first year I got no respect, mainly becuzz mah team didn't have nothin'. Fo' real.
But then, the Heat brought over my man Shaq to represent. With him as da big man and me as da heart of the team, we seriously cleaned up the competition. Naw, those homies from the other teams couldn't even touch dis. Yo, we took over the NBA. Fo' real.
In mah third year, we shoved it to the Detroit Pistons and Dallas Mavericks to take ova da crown of da NBA. With my man Shaq and my man Jason Williams and my man Udonis and my man 'Zo, we was unstoppable. After losin' da first two games, we shut down those Dallas clowns, especially dat whacked out Nazi dey had from Germany playin as da big man. MIA took home da crown, and I took da Playoff MVP award. Fo' real.
Yo, yo, let's not talk about da shit dat went down at the 2004 Olympics, aight? Dem refs was high on somethin', LeBron was only there to show off, and Carmelo Anthony just ain't dat good anyway, feel? So yeah, we took da bronze medal, but we took ova in Beijing, ya hear? Dem Spaniards and dem Chinese didn't stand a chance. Fo' real.
...Suck my balls, ma fucka.
How I Play da Game
My coach tells me I play point guard, but really all dem positions is just da same. I can run faster than any fool on da court, and when it comes time to deliver, I can deliver. The media says dat I'm a clutch player, but I don't see what's da big deal about bein' able to come through when you gotta. Isn't dat what dem rich white mofuckas are paying us to do? Fo' real.
Shit, don't even talk about dat bullcrap, man. My knee is still killin' me. I can't fuckin bend dat shit all da way no mo'. And my shoulder ain't doin' no good neither. Fo' real.
Mah Personal Life
I trust in God, yo. My life is in his hands. I give 60% of my salary to my old church in Chicago to help the message of God and my wife is a hot ass chick, what choo laughin' about, cracker? Naw, dat's right, I didn't think so. Fo' real.
I also got two sons, Zaire Blessing Dwyane Wade and Zion Malachi Airamis Wade. Hey, hey! You laughin' again, fool? You think my people's names are funny? We just tryin' to represent da homeland after you whiteass mofuckas ripped us from our homes and forced us to work on yo' plantations. So you best be silent, fool. Fo' real.
But it ain't just about da basketball, ya hear? I also know a thing or two about capitalism. I'm D-Wade, a superstar. Dem big corporations will lay down serious bucks fo' a playa like me to endorse dey products, hear? I even got my own shoe line, bitch. Dey'z called "The Wade." How many shoes have you sold, mofucka? Dat's what I thought. Fo' real.
Yo, Check It
I just spotted a fine ass ghetto booty, so me and my man Jamal gon' sign out fo' now. What can I say, booty calls? Fo' real.
What? What you talkin' about, I'm married and I can't cruise for pussy? What you mean, it goes against the Ten Commandments. Hey, why don't you shut yo' mouth, fool? I'm bringin' you fat mofuckas a gold medal, so I think you'd best be quiet. Fo' real.