Dwarf

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Typical Dwarf.

“Man: "Are You A Dwarf?". Dwarf: "No my name is rob mallon and I am 4 foot 11 and a half inches tall". Man: "... Oh!....so you are a dwarf !". Dwarf: "Oh... Then I Must Be!"”

~ Dwarf Coming To A Conclusion About Its Heritage

“Oh shit! He not dead!”

~ Freaked out Chinese Soldier on a dwarf that isn't dead

“So a guy walks into a police station, and asks "Have you seen my Dwarf". The police says "Sure, what's he like,". The guy says "Well, he's 4'5, has a beard, likes beer, and lives in caves". "Well", the police says, "Do you have anything to tell me that differenciates him from any other dwarf?"”

~ Tom Cruise on Dwarves

“Dude, I'm totally gonna ride it, yo!”

~ Kid Rock on Unexpected Dwarf Encounters

[edit] General information on Dwarves

It is common knowledge that Dwarves bones are in fact made completely of concrete which is why during LOTR2 Gimli doesn't get hurt when he falls off his horse! Dwarves are funny. They are generally short and stout and like to drink lots of beer. But thats not their distinguising features, you can easilly spot a dwarf by his nose, trust me, you will know. They should have a great big beard (yes even the dwarven women) as this is one of the main requiremens of the religion of Dwarfism. A dwarf without a beard is called a Midget, these people have been excommunicated from the "Sacred Order of Dwarfism", they have been forced to shave and can no longer be featured in such movies as Lord of the Rings - The Shrunkenness Lord of the Rings - The 2 bungalows Lord of the Rings - The Return of theShot Glass

Dwarves, otherwise known as "Tree Killing Crack Midgets" by some liberal political groups, have been living in secrecy among us for years. While shorter and fatter than most Western cultures, the dwarves find it eaiser to hide among the people of America, since we all look like that anyway.

The most famous known dwarf is of course, Gimli. However, due to the recent "Gimli Ate my Nose" Micheal Jackson scandal, he is currently serving 20-25 years in the Red Onion Federal Prison. His seven brothers Stumpy, Lumpy, Dumby, Grumpy, Schizzle, Nizzle and To are lost in the magical lala-land under influence of white widow. They are in some kind of subconscious state for almost eighty years now and all the time they seem to be hallucinating about a chick who is white as snow. Lumpy should not be confused with the deer from the Happy Tree Friends, who died swallowing an atomic bomb with spikes.

In modern days, most Dwarves are without a beard. There is a very simple explanation for this phenomenon. During the Dwarf Revolution of Ireland (the date of this event has been long lost because no one really gave a shit) the Dwarf population of Ireland were outraged due to the fact the people confused them with the flamboyantly gay Leprechauns. As an act of protest the Dwarves shaved off their beards to distinguish themselves from the from the poorly groomed Leprechauns. This trend of shaving Dwarvish beards became an immense sensation among the norms. Soon Dwarves became equivilent to the modern day Barbie doll. However Gimili, a Dwarf with no relation to the one in Lord of the Rings, began to demand Dwarf Rights. The people of average height as a result laughed and stepped on him. The Leprechauns and Dwarves still have an intense rivalry.

The most famous modern day dwarf is Owen May. He earned his fame by being incredably small and having a unibrow. He is also poor, making a living stealing food and money from the gay shop he works for. He was famously found out by the infamously smelly Louis Page.

[edit] Gimli vs. Jackson

Early in the 1970's, Micheal Jackson made a claim against a dwarf named Gimli. Gimli was a previously unknown, but soon to be a hugly well-known, public figure and cake maker. Jackson claimed that Gimli, during a drunken bar brawl, had taken a pair of pliers and torn off Micheal Jackson's nose. He then dipped it in Queso Dip and swallowed it whole. In what would become known as the "Gimli Tore off my Nose with Pliers and then Ate it Scandal", Jackson sued for $4,000,000 and 3 small children.

Gimli hired Mr. Bilbo Baggins, a little-known partner in a New York law firm. The majority of the public believed that Gimli was innocent, and that Jackson had instead gambled his nose away at the craps table in Atlantic city. Gimli's father, Gloin, was called to the witness stand. Gloin stated that in his youth, Gimli was known to strip himself naked, smear himself in green jello, and run around the yard singing "Mary had a Little Lamb". This testimony was the deciding factor in deciding Gimli's fate.

The jury declared Gimli not guilty, and granted his countersuit against Jackson for 3 bags of tomatoes and a lemon. Unfortunately, Gimli misunderstood "Not Guilty" for the dwarvish insult "Your mother wears makeup". Gimli and his Father Gloin jumped upon the table, swiped the Baliff's AK-47 (Arctic Kitten) rifle, and incinerated the judge, the jury, and a flock of pidgeons perched outside before they were stopped. Biblo immediately vanished, but has been seen in gay bars with Legolas. Since all witnesses were considered unable to move any part of their body by the FIB (Federal Incineration Bureau), all ruling were considered null. Micheal Jackson, however, won his lawsuit for 3 small children 16 years later. This has fueled many controversies to date.

Gimli was brought up on criminal charges and sentenced to 20-25 years in a Federal Prison. his Father, Gloin, has been seen in British Columbia, driving recklessly through towns in a White Chevy. Gloin is well known for stumbling out of his car after a collision in a parking lot and storming over to the culprit, he immediately yelled at the man: "I'm not happy!". To which the man replied, "Which one are you then?"

[edit] Snappa Dwarves

The most frightening dwarves of all time is indisputedly the rare and extremely frightening Snappa Dwarves. Also known as "Dwarfs," this species of dwarves is known to be vicious and very competent in the art of criminal liberation.

The most infamous of these dwarves is Snappa Sam, who has been recently accused of helping the diabolical Martha Stewart evade further charges, including avoiding custody, and violation of the First Commandment (Thou Shalt Not Steal St0f pl0x).

More recently he has been spotted in the vicinity of many Oak trees, causing ditress among the general public. People in southern Delaware have reported the slaying of many Willow trees in the last fortnight, many think the Snapprophecy is unfolding. A dozen dark and seemingly dull times lie ahead.

Snappa Dwarves are generally taller, skinnier and less homosexual than most dwarves. Most of the Snappas live in the States and Amish societies, including Middle Earth and Tibet. Poland and Prussia also have an abundance of Snappa Dwarves. They often live for 769,872 fortnights (Aproximately 245 years). It is currently being widely investigated if Snappas suffer the steep learning curves of other MMORPGs, although the inquiry is yet to be proven.

One particularly wicked Snappa Dwarf is thought to have caused George Bush's brain damage by holding his head underwater for 3 minutes when he was a child.

Despite all the wrong-doings of Snappas, one very helpful Snappa exists. He has helped incriminate many dangerous celebreties. He is working on capturing M-J at the present time. Many believe his name is TEH Snappa!!!!1!! Teh Snappa lives in Canada, but helps everyone EH!