From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Dooubling is impoortant in Duutch speelling”
Dutch grammar is mostly based around the fact that, being a guttural language, there are only two distinct phonemes in the Dutch language,
- [/X/] which corresponds to the sound made when clearing one's throat as if one's going to spit
- [/xghruwyebleaagh/] which corresponds to the sound made when one vomits into the gutter
Hence, Dutch grammar is fairly simple although, in order not to make it seem too stupid and ugly a language, the Dutch language authorities have introduced some cultural idiosyncrasies into the grammar.
Unlike German or Icelandic, which have three genders: masculine, feminine and neutered; the Dutch, all being pot addicts, have reduced their nouns to two drug states: "stoned" and "sober", so as to facilitate speech while smoking joints or toking from bongs. Accordingly, stoned nouns are preceded with more spacey, slowly spoken articles, such as [de], [die], [deze]; while sober nouns are preceded by short and straight sounding articles such as ['t], [dat], [dit]. Unfortunately this reduction has resulted in some strange inconsistencies, so that the word for beer, [bier], which was originally neuter gender, has actually become a "sober state" noun, ie, people say [dat bier]. But seeing as all Dutch people are always off their faces anyway, no one really gives a fuck.
Because all Dutch people hate Germans especially for making fun of the way their language sounds, and for generally being bigoted Nazis, the Dutch decided to drop their grammatical case system just to see what would happen. It was very similar to the German case system, which therefore made Dutch seem much too German-like. After the case system was abolished, total chaos reigned for a while and even the Dutch couldn't understand what they were talking about (whence the colloquial expression 'to speak double Dutch'), but eventually people got used to it. They did however, in some instances retain the Genitive case, particularly in religious speech. So in churches, when speaking of, say, "The wrath of the Lord ", one often hears the phrase "De toorn des Heren" which is in the Genitive case, instead of the prepositional "De toorn van de Heer". The Genitive Case has been retained because the word "genitive" sounds like the word "genitals", and, as everyone knows, the Dutch are all obsessed with sex and pornography.
edit Adjective endings
Sometimes adjectives have an ending, sometimes they don't. As no one can remember when you should have an ending on an adjective, or what the ending should be, the safest thing to do is just make the "clear your throat as if you're going to spit" sound after every adjective and you should be fine.
The ending -tje marks the diminutive in Dutch. therefore when a Dutchman says a word like 'Tjetjeniaantje it could mean a small person from Chechenya - or that you should back away a bit, not to catch his cold.
edit Word order
The only thing which the Dutch insist on even more than the Germans is to include as many verbs at the end of a sentence as possible, even when you don't need them, and despite the alleged rules of Dutch grammar. Failing to place as many verbs as you can think of at the end of a clause is equivalent to asking someone to join with you in a week-long clog-wearing orgy, so making a mistake in this crucial area of Dutch grammar has unintended and unpleasant consequences.