Durness
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- No results found for Durness. Perhaps you were looking for D'rnis instead? (see article below...)
| |
| Motto: "Welcome to Durness - you'll never leave!" | |
| State | Sutherland |
| Official nickname | Little Fife by the Sea |
| Official languages | Swearing, Czech, Polish, Gaelic(?) |
| Established | 1367 by Don (the Ka) Campbell |
| Re-Established | 1888 |
| Re-Re-Established | 2007 |
| Currency | the Potato |
| Opening hours | Mon-Sat |
| Civic anthem | Whiskey in the Jar (by Thin Lizzy) |
D'rnis, by Lairg (Fìobh Bheag air na Mara in Gaelic which translates into Little Fife by the Sea) is a large bustling town / Nato bombing range in the far northwest of the Scottish Highlands and is the largest township in the northwestern corner of the world. It is so far north that only the North Atlantic Drift / Gulf Stream prevents polar bears from living here. The area is also home to a protected species of seagull that flies only backwards as the constant wind has affected their evolution. This same evolutionary process has also altered the physique of the local 'birdz'. Hence their large solid appearence.
From 1978-81, it was home to Groundskeeper Willie and is about an hour and a half drive north from either Inverness or Caithness or 8 hours 45 mins if you're German/Dutch and drive a campervan, possibly 2 days for Italians driving up to see Smoo Cave.
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[edit] Geography
Local Scottish folklore has it that Durness is in fact non-existent due to the lack of anything to do held within the perimeter wall (which also doesn't exist for if it did, people would climb over it and play on it in an attempt to rape to death the sheer lack of anything to do that Durness has to offer).
For instance. There are no houses, so that if you're looking for a place to not live, then Durness is the ideal not place to live. Fancy not going out to the pub? Durness has not got the all-new and improved Duck Bay bar over where the sea isn't. For fewer things to see and do, look at the brochure in your hands...
[edit] Location
Durness is the most northwesterly town in the Sutherland region of Scotland (and in fact the world) which was only a few miles from Cape Breton, Scotland's most northwesterly point. However, since the Gaelic speaking part of Cape Breton broke off in the January storm and drifted off to Canada, only the other bit called Cape Wrath was left behind. Durness is trapped between two sea inlets, Loch Eriboll to the west which turns what would be a relatively straight-forward trip to Tongue into a 163 mile round journey, and the Kyle of Durness to the east which you need a ferry from Keoldale to get across to Cape Side to avoid being eaten by the sharks.
[edit] Climate
The summer climate in Durness cannot be predicted, ever. When it's slightly breezy at Durine, there's a hurricane at Balnakeil. When there's a drought at Sangomore (Gaelic/Norse for Big Beach), there's a flood at Lerinmore (Gaelic/Norse for Big Trouble). When the tide is low at the Kyle of Durness, the tide is high at Smoo Cave. When it's busy in the Oasis, it's quiet in the Smoo. The winter climate in Durness can be predicted however... wind and rain all day, every day.
Did You Know?: The Travis hit Why Does It Always Rain On Me? was written by Fran Healy at the Lazy Crofter Bunkhouse in 1997.
[edit] Geology
Durness is a mecca for funny little people known as geologists that use Nevisport exclusively for all clothing / garments and like using hammers to smash up pretty rocks so that they can take them home and put bits of Durness in their garden. Little do they know that Durness is actually made up of dull grey rock called limestein but certain sections such as Ceannabeinne and Sango Bay have been painted stripy in a range of bright colours by local ceramic artist Lotte Glob to make the area much more interesting. The rocks are then carved into many interesting shapes by the local stonemason. Like the Forth Railway Bridge (until recently), Durness needs painted all year round and once Lotte reaches the Kyle of Durness, it's time to start painting Ceannabeinne again. Quite a remarkable feat really. Making the final limestone rock melt at the sound of rain (not)
The area around Durness is also dotted with thousands of little holes in the ground. Once thought to be collapse dolines formed from ground subsidence due to underground caves, it was later revealed that they were formed from bomb explosions (failed efforts from the Bomb Disposal after a day in the games beer tent). After fears were raised, Cape Wrath was then designated as a target practice (and occasionally Eilean Hoan to scare locals) to accompany the existing anthrax testing zone. However, after a summit meeting at the old village hall, the MOD agreed that Durness was no place for anthrax testing and so relocated the zone to Gruinard Island instead. One stray bomb is thought to have hit and killed John Lennon on his holidays when he came up to visit the famous Thomas the Tank Engine narrator and close friend Ringo Starr. The Northern Times then reported that Durnesians covered this up with an elaborate assassination story, framing some poor chap called Mark Chapman from Atlanta who had just happened to stay at the local bunkhouse for a night.
[edit] North West Highland Geopark
Durness is home to Scotland's first ever Geopark, the North West Highland Geopark. Tickets for entry to this geology themed amusement park can be bought at the Durness Tourist Information centre at Sango Bay, open Mon-Sat (09:30-10:00). Meet Scotland's last living caveman in his cave or why not ride some of Scotland's most exciting rides such as the Cape Wrath minibus 'rollercoaster' or The Ka, a terrifying drive down the world famous 85 degree Sangomore Fault escarpment. Whatever your age, the Geopark is a unique blend of excitement and geology that will have you gagging for more.
[edit] Flora and Fauna
The parish of Durness is home to a wide variety of wild flowers and animals. The rich soils found across the region's hills are among the best arable soils in Scotland and as a result wildlife can flourish within some of Durness' best loved and best known botanical gardens (see Ringo Starr memorial garden). The limestone pasturelands however are far too lime-rich to harvest life (see Lime Disease) and these rabbit infested plots are florally barren, from the exception of the extremely rare Child Faced Daisy which is exclusive to northern Scotland and only blossoms from July-August once every ten years.
Visitors to the area can also be treated to some spectacular wildlife, the recent highlight being several sightings of a Wildcat around the School Road area of the village which can be found by quietly following the trails of cat urine. Visitors to coastal areas have also reported sightings of fish being eaten by seagulls which get eaten by seals which get eaten by whales which then get caught and eaten in KLB. Several deer can also be found outside of the village on the roads, quite often dead mind you but they make an excellent venison stew as long as they've only been roadkill for under two weeks. Sheeps can also be spotted lying on the side of (and in the middle) of the roads unless you're in Portnacon in which case you'll have to look a little harder. The following is a full list of flora and fauna that you can expect to find in and around Durness;
In the dunes to the north of the town is a colony of puffins, if you can't find it, ask someone, but try not to disturb the foreign agents watching the NATO bombing range whilst disguised as twitchers. In the event of seeing no-one, head for the environmentally sensitive CCTV camera installed to save idle tourists bothering to walk all of half a mile.
- Flora: Child Faced Daisy,
Trees, White Field Gentian, Primrose, Grass, Tulip, Meadowsweet, Monkey Flower, Grass of Parnassus, Wild Thyme, Pineapple, Red Bartsia, Mayweed, Eyebright, Orchids, Violets, Roseroot, Lots of Seaweed, Sea Champion, Washed-up Beach Sticks, Scots Lovage Ragwort, Rockrose, Wild Angelica, Burdock, Sunflower, Ragged Robin, Harebell, Bards Foot Trefoil, Violets, Dune Pansies.
- Fauna: Rabbits, Sheeps, Red Deer, Ticks, Common Seal, Rare Seal, Dung Beetle, Common Gull, Black Headed Gull, Big Bastard Gull, Siegul, Common Tern, Shag (hee hee), Wagtail, Twite, Starling, Swallow, Eider, Red Throated Diver, Buzzard, Kestrel, Eagles, Red-headed Vulture, Canada Geese, Corncrake (calling), Oystercatcher, Curlew, Kiwi, Ringed Plover, Heron, Black Guillemots, Tramp, Porpoises, Dolphin (dead), Whale, Otters, Lynx, Wildcat, Pissing Tom Cat (of School Road), Bear, Badger, Dogs and Foxes.
[edit] History
Durness is the ancient seat of the Clan Mackay but is now known as Morrison Country due to the high number of resident Morrisons. Durness was first discovered by Viking settlers who became lost on their journey to the Faroe Islands and thought that they might pop into the Smoo Cave Hotel for a quick pint and chat with Selena while they were stranded in Smoo Cave overnight. Several ancient monuments can be found around Durness, particularly around Loch Eriboll and the Kyle of Durness. Stone long-houses and burial cairns are common along with the ancient Viking Cape Wrath lighthouse at Cape Wrath which was originally built in the Mid-9th Century to stop viking boats sailing off towards Sule Skerry and St Kilda.
The name Durness is actually derived from the gaelic Ness meaning In the Highlands and Dur being short for dour or not very exciting. The area became an important tourist destination in the 1950s thanks to improved access with the construction of the M836-M838 which was built between Laxford Bridge and Thurso and by the fact that Ringo Starr of the Beatles used to stay in Sangomore for his childhood holidays.
[edit] Military Connections
During the 1940's, Durness locals were evicted from their thatched crofts for a period of 15 years as a top secret space station was constructed around the Lerinbeg area. This proved to be vital in the Battle of Britain where nuclear rockets were stationed as a deterent for invading German aircraft. After World War 2 however, RAF Sango was used as a military base during the Cold War. Recovered Soviet space rockets were shipped to the nearby Loch Eriboll where they were transported to Lerinbeg by tractor to be reused by the Americans against the former Soviet Union. Nowadays it is possible to see several ruins dotted across the headland which were formerly the launchpads for these large space vessels.
The current radar control station (disguised as a craft village, now better known as the Gaza Strip at Balnakeil with a decoy on Faraid Head) is still in use and the region still has a large military presence as NATO use sheep on Garvie Island as targets during bombing practice. The limestone region is also dotted with hundreds of caves where a natural underground labyrinth was harnessed as a nuclear bunker and still connects the Craft Village to Lerinbeg. The main entrance to the system at the nearby Smoo Cave is now used as a tourist attraction although tourists are not permitted beyond the final sump into the first control room.
The latest enterprise linked to military activities in the area is the production of airborne chemicals to be used in the fight against terrorism, environmentalism, incomerism and any other ism that is seen to be an enemy to THE PEOPLE of Durness.
[edit] Natural Resources & Industry
During the construction of the military bases, a number of small oil fields were also discovered filling undiscovered caves around the Lerinbeg area. Production began in April 1943 and up to 12,000 barrels of crude oil were produced per day and were transported by boat from Durness to the Cromarty Firth where the abandoned rigs can still be seen today. Remains of the original oil extraction kilns at Ard Neakie on Loch Eriboll can still also be seen to this day where limestone was then taken, heated to extract the oil and shipped back out. Such times ensured a prosperous and booming local economy with several grand buildings being left behind from this Golden Era; Smoo Lodge, Balnakeil House, the village's double-track road and the chalet on the Ka being prime examples.
However, the last production well (the one just behind the church) was plugged in 1971 as Durness was unable to compete with the uprising of the new Kinlochbervie whaling fleet and the North Sea oil and gas industry in Aberdeen where much of the local population is now forced to work on a fortnightly basis. As a result of the oil shortage, the petrol pump outside of Mathers shop has remained out of use for over 40 years and Robbie's petrol prices have seen a massive surge as petrol now has to be transported from Grangemouth, near Falkirk at a price of just over £9.57 a litre (pre-tax).
The village has never quite recovered from the decline in oil revenue, although in recent years the area has seen a massive upsurge in tourism following the filming of the documentary series "The League of Gentlemen". This is a fly on the wall programme following the daily lives of some notable local characters, many of whom still live in the village, and are happy to sign autographs. Of course, tourism will always remain the second most profitable industry, lagging far behind "Subsidy Farming", whereby local crofters attempt to reap as much European money as possible without actually owning any livestock. A skilled profession indeed, and long may it continue...
[edit] Transport
Car
Reaching Durness poses few problems. The village is found on the recently upgraded M838 which provides fast and efficient routes to both Ullapool and Caithness. For the more adventurous, why not try the shortcut cross-country route to Lairg in which you can attempt to avoid an oncoming postbus travelling at 113mph on a single track road. Either that or laugh at foreign tourists attempting to work out how a passing place works, although most come to the conclusion that these are in fact parking bays, ideal for going out into the middle of the road (more often than not a blind corner) to take a photo of some sheep.
Bus
After the Royal Mail discovered too many people hiding in boxes on the old postbus service, this decline in bus revenue has been responsible for the closure of some of the Highland post offices. The postbus service has now been replaced by the Rapsons bus service driven by Nick Hird who has been made aware of this fare-dodging trickery. Please have all rucksacks ready for stow-away inspection at Lairg railway station on arrival.
Note: If you wish to travel, please signal clearly on the roadside. In case it wasn't clear before, no pubs stops are on the bus timetable.
Train
The recently refurbished railway station at nearby Balnakeil provides a daily service to Thurso where regular connections are available for passengers wishing to travel to Inverness and the South. The Scotrail service also operates request stops at both Tongue and Bettyhill. The Sangobeg station was finally built after passengers for Durness were forced to alight at Lairg and travel by bus to Scourie and Kinlochbervie en-route, "What a joke, call that public transport?" as once quoted by First Minister Alex Salmond.
Durness - Thurso - Kyle of Lochalsh - Inverness.
Mondays to Saturdays
| Destination | Depart | Destination | Depart |
|---|---|---|---|
| Durness | 1005 | Lairg | 1510 |
| Tongue | 1119x | Ardgay | 1527x |
| Bettyhill | 1147x | Tain | 1542 |
| Georgemas Junction | 1224 | Invergordon | 1601 |
| Thurso / Wick | - | Alness | 1606 |
| Scotscalder | 1324x | Kyle of Lochalsh | - |
| Altnabreac | 1333x | Dingwall | 1619 |
| Forsinard | 1347 | Muir of Ord | 1628 |
| Helmsdale | 1421 | Beauly | 1635 |
| Brora | 1436 | Inverness | 1649 |
| Golspie | 1446 | Aberdeen / London | - |
Ferry
A terminal at Keoldale (just outside of the village) provides a regular ferry service to Daill on the Cape Side of the Kyle of Durness and further afield to the Scottish and Atlantic islands. Cyclists welcome, Arseholes not. Website
| Destination | Departure Times | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Daill / Cape Wrath Minibus | 09:00-17:00 (Every 10 mins) | Service may be cancelled in event of MOD exercises / bad weather / hangover |
| Lerwick / Foula | 08:30 / 18:30 / 23:30 | June - August only (no Sunday service) |
| Stromness / Hoy | 07:15 / 19:15 | (no Sunday service) |
| Torshavn / Faroe | 15:00 | Passport optional, supply of baccy for ferryman not. |
Air
Durness is served by an air link which is almost unique in Scotland. Barra in the Western Isles claims to be the only airport in the world where scheduled services land on a beach, but anyone from Durness will tell you this is absolute shite. The airport at Balnakeil beach is operated by Highlands and Islands Airports Limited who own most of the regional airports in mainland Scotland and the outlying islands, although the radar tower at Faraid Head is now owned by the MoD (formerly owned by BAA).
Weekly flights take several of the local offshore workers to Aberdeen with BMI providing an additional link to Inverness for the Saturday shoppers who can’t be bothered going on a detour to Kinlochbervie and Scourie on the bus. Chartered flights have also become popular since the arrival of Cocoa Mountain to the area, with one source claiming that 7.6 tonnes of chocolate are exported from these shores every week.
| Scheduled Destinations | Departure Times |
|---|---|
| Aberdeen (ABZ) | 06:30 (Mondays) |
| Inverness (INV) | 08:30 (Mon, Wed, Sat) |
| Stornoway (SYY) | 17:30 (when sunny) |
| London Gatwick (LGW) | 12:30 (Saturdays only) |
| Piarco, Trinidad (POS) | 17:00 (Douglas only) |
[edit] Places / Events of Interest
Below is a list of just some of the numerous attractions the area has to offer. In the event of rain however, we can only offer two alternatives (known locally as the Oasis and the Smoo). Please be aware that tourists have been known to be stranded in Durness for days at a time as nobody sells petrol on a Sunday (maybe sometimes in the summer if there's a penny or two to be made). This has often led to tragic events including the story where the bones of a viking boy were once found on Balnakeil Beach. Highland Constabulary put this down to the fact that the Viking boy had come from Capeside on a Sunday looking for some milk and his longboat engine had run out of petrol, leaving Murdo the Viking stranded who later died in the baking Durness sunshine.
[edit] The Tree
Found beside the prehistoric stone cairn just across the road from Lucy's Hall and the Ringo Starr Memorial Garden lies The Tree of Druim Bhlar Special Site of Scientific Interest (SSSI), which consists of one of the only two trees north of Scourie. According to Local folklore, this tree was planted by the Vikings to point west to Norway so that they could find their way home as the North Atlantic Pointing Tree will always grow to point west to where the seeds originally came from (believed to be near Bergen). Locals also claim that the tree is the only one in the world which can shield you from a bolt of lightning (mainly due to the presence of a large metal lampost situated on the nearby road)
The Tree bears a distinct likeness to Archie Macpherson's (Scotlands renowned radio scotland football commentator) hair and is open to visitors Mon-Sat, 09:00-17:00 with a nominal charge of £1.50 per person (no child/student discount, extra £1 for glossy brochure)
Please do not pull branches off the tree - souvenirs can be purchased at the nearby 58 Degrees North : Gallery & Gifts at Sango Bay.
[edit] Cape Wrath
No journey to the northwest of the world would be complete without a trip to Cape Wrath. Simply jump on a ferry, board a white minibus and make sure that you keep your trap shut for half an hour as you're taken on a classic bumpy tour that you never even knew you had paid up for. Formerly a headland with rolling hills of heather filled with various wildlife species, come and enjoy 137 hectares worth of barren, burnt blanket bog all courtesy of recent landscaping by the MoD. The cliffs at Cape Wrath support a huge seabird colony of puffins, fulmars, razorbills, guillemonts and kittiwakes, except when the boys from NATO come along and drop 1000 Lb bombs on the little island just a few miles along the coast.
[edit] Smoo Cave
The world's largest hole (after Scourie) in the ground (sometimes referred to as a cave) is known as Smoo Cave, named after the nearby Smoo Cave Hotel. It is located just outside of the town on the road to Caithness & Orkney and extends as far as Kinlochbervie. The area is of huge interest to geologists (or rocktappers) as skull fragments found in limestones at Balnakeil Bay are though to be those of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. However, after the bones were examined by one of the many geology students who come here with their maps and fancy coloured pencils, it turns out it was actually just another dead seal. Here you will sometimes see Colin the Caveman who looks right prehistoric but is really the inner cave guide.The cave also doubles as the local wash facility as conventional baths and showers aint big enough.
[edit] The Ring of Sango
Similar to the Ring of Brodgar in Orkney and the Callanish Stones of the Western Isles, the Ring of Sango is a Neolithic stone circle found beside the tourist information centre at Sango Bay. The ring of stones is formed of different stones from around the Durness area and it is thought that the stone circle was constructed around 2500 BC, possibly to attract visitors to Durness when Stonehenge was hogging all the visitors down south.
The circle is about 15 metres in diameter, and one of the largest and oldest to be found in the United Kingdom. Some larger randomly scattered rocks in the middle may have been used to form a calendar system based on the position of the moon. The most notable features are that the Neolithic hunter gatherers were able to carve the names and ages of the rocks into little plaques at the bottom of them all, attracting over 7 geologists and over 35 pagans a year.
If you wish to learn more about these mystical standing stones, try collaring one of the Glasgow University archaeologists at Ceannabeinne (or more likely the Oasis)
[edit] Durness Highland Gathering
Held on the last Friday of July (purposely a day when most people from Down South don't have the day off work), the Durness Highland Gathering is just a fancy name for the Durness Highland Games. The thousands of visitors that turn up to jump the campsite fence annually may appreciate the really big tossers (of the caber variety) that turn up from the States each year trying to steal some trophies. The main highlight however is the final Tug of War event where you can watch Don the Ka shout and swear at little girls trying their best to beat the Bomb Disposal Team. The Durness Woman's Team still remain undefeated - possibly due to their massive weight advantage - despite various attempts from the Royal Navy Bomb Disposal Team and the Uzbekistani Olympic Team. Its also interesting to visit the Clan Mackay Stand (actually a 7 foot long caravan) to hear the local painter expound on how he is that busy he cannot take a day off YOH!! Well, apart from every Monday for pricing and every Thursday to go to Tain for a tin of white paint.
Notable Events
- Hill Run - now just The Run due to lack of hill, quite an important piece of kit for this event.
- Hammer throw (male event)
- Hammer throw (female event) - recently downgraded to Chuck the Welly after husband received serious cranial damage from claw hammer.
- Weight over the bar
- Soak the Parent - tilt a bucket of water using a large pole (i.e. long stick, not Remmie)
- Pillow fight (note: hidden rocks in pillow-cases are now banned - sorry lads)
- Beer Tent Fight (same as above, minus the pillow)
- Hee-Haw Donkey Racing
[edit] Ringo Starr Memorial Garden
Found next to Lucys Hall this is more of a patchy pile of rubble than a garden. A lot more rocks have been added instead of plants because there are more rocks in Durness than anything else, making it more of a large memorial rockery really. In 2005, this rockery became Scotland's first ever Geopark, boasting 3 different rock types and a fossilised Magners bottle left behind from a ceilidh sometime last year. Named the Ringo Starr Memorial Garden after Ringo came back to visit his childhood holiday home of Durness. Here he was the frontman for a Beatles cover-band who performed live in the nearby village hall for the 1983 Durness Highland Gathering Dance.
Lucys hall is also one of the focal points of the village. Occassionaly a large bouncy castle will be erected inside for use by the Durness Senior Citizens Party before their free lunch at the Smoo, although it is normally used for concerts when well renound bands come to play here live (Runrig, Robbie Williams, Blue Ridge etc.) The Highland Gathering Dance which is held in the hall annually is also frequently visited by Rhythm & Reel, although if you're looking for something more exciting during the dance, why not try the back of the grassy embankment behind the hall?
A Millennium Monument was also been erected in 1986 across from the village hall, celebrating 2000 years of being the town in Great Britain furthest away from England.
[edit] Loch Meadaidh Monster
What would a Highland village be without it's own local legend? Believed to be a distant cousin of it's southern counterpart the Loch Ness Monster, the more recent Loch Meadaidh Monster was first spotted at Loch Croispol in August 2003, although unfortunately for cryptozoological experts this has also been the only sighting, making it the last sighting too. Many often wonder why it was never named the Loch Croispol, with one member of the Durness Loch Meadaidh Monster Conservation Committee (DLMMCC) once quoting "there was already a monster down that way in the craft village".
Only one person has ever seen this beast although thankfully photoraphic evidence was acquired at the site which was sufficient to convince the rest of the village that a monster does indeed live in the surrounding waters. Many explanations have been postulated over the years to describe what kind of animal the Loch Meadaidh Monster might be: many believe it to be a Kelpie in a half beast, half dog form although the only part of it's body ever seen was the head which was that of a dog. Historic Scotland later argued that "chances are, it probably is actually just a dog" after pulling out of funding much to the anger of the DLMMCC and several furious residents. "We have genuine photographic evidence of a real beast in our waters while they (Historic Scotland) ignore us and pour millions of pounds into Loch Ness to fund that bollocks down there" said committee chairperson Iris Mackay. A sonar sweep was conducted in 2003 to find the monster although results came back as negative. This was later found to be because surveyors accidentally surveyed Loch Duail by mistake which has since left a hole of £150,000 pounds in the Durness Development Group bank account.
[edit] Cape Wrath Challenge
The Cape Wrath Krypton Factor Challenge is renowned by athletes the world over as the toughest marathon in the world (especially the quiz section where Janet's team have the answers). Although a standard marathon is 42.195 km (26 miles 385 yards) long, the Cape Wrath Challenge is actually 346.562 km due to the trip to Thurso and the hills which create a hypotenuse and hence a longer distance to be run, also making this the world's longest marathon. To add a bit of real excitment to next years races it was decided to shoot the last four runners every day as they enter the last 300 metre zone
The challenge covers 6 days of non stop running where competitiors must run from Durness to Thurso, Caithness where they are taken back to Bettyhill by Iris' minibus, run down to Lairg, up towards Drunkenness, Laxford Bridge and back up to Durness. They must then cross the finishing line at Cape Wrath which they can only reach swimming by negotiating the Kyle of Durness. Some choose to swim although at low tide many runners are sucked into the quicksand and never seen again. Those that survive the swim must then dodge the bombs within the MOD bombing range, a feat which on average 13.6% runners manage to achieve. Others have recently discovered a shortcut along Sandwood Bay however. The first to turn on the light at the Cape Wrath lighthouse is then declared the winner in which they win £30 worth of Spar vouchers for Robbie's Shop (just enough for a bottle of water and an ice cream).
Additional events also take place around the Durness area during this week, including the Loch Eriboll half marathon and the Clo Mor cliff race in which competitors try and descend mainland Britain's tallest cliffs in record time. The current record is held by Moroccan athlete Aziz Mekouar who reached sea level from the top of Clo Mor in 6.4 seconds (after a jump yet to be successfully repeated).
Note to tourists: Cape Wrath is not some fancy idylic suburb as portrayed by a new Channel 4 drama series! Also, for those wishing to visit the Cape Wrath Lighthouse, please note that it has been loaned to the Scottish Lighthouse Museum in Fraserburgh (until 3rd January) where it is currently on temporary display.
[edit] John Lennon Piss Stop
Sutherland's most famous passing place, why not come and see where John Lennon and Ringo Starr once stopped for a slash after a long and tiring drive up from Liverpool? A short story, travelling from Merseyside to Durness on the fateful day of March 7th 1972, John Lennon needed to stop near Sarsgrum after he had asked Ringo to stop at the public toilets at Scourie but with little success. All visitors may leave with a chip of the rock that John Lennon is thought to have urinated on, as long as they leave a donation in the roadside collection box.
To find this world famous spot, first of all find the large Ledmore Marble statue of John and Yoko standing in the nude close to Big Bridge (Drochaid Mor) at the head of of the Kyle of Durness. Once you have found this statue, follow the road 2km north where you will find Little Bridge. The John Lennon Piss Stop is the next passing place on the A838 and is marked with a plaque inscribed with "Here pissed John Lennon & Ringo Starr, 1972". The original faded inscription can be seen scratched into the small limestone scree bank on the opposite side of the road where the piss spot is marked by a 6" flag. Click here for map location
D.C.C. Notice: Please do not piss on the John Lennon Piss Spot. Public toilets are available beside the village square just a few miles up the road.
[edit] Screen Machine
A mysterious blue van which magically transforms into a cinema that keeps appearing in the village square providing Durness with a roll of film portraying what happens in the world beyond Inverness. So amazing, it has inspired the world of cinema to film the eagerly awaited Transformers the Movie. However, it keeps disappearing all of the time. Much is the demand for the Screen Machine that it only lasts for a day before being stolen.
Northern Constabulary have had several reports of this large unmissable trailer in various small communities around the Highlands and Islands (last seen on St Kilda) but keep finding that the thieves have moved it again by the time the police arrive on the scene. Because of this, films can only be shown on a yearly basis. The Screen Machine aims to provide the community with a schedule full of fresh and exciting new groundbreaking hollywood and local cinema. However, taking into account the length of time it takes to get the lorry from Stornoway over to Durness, the schedule may appear slightly outdated (a decade or so maybe, give or take).
The schedule (up until 2010) for VILLAGE SQUARE, DURINE, DURNESS is as follows:
- Coming Soon
- Nov 2008 - Blade Runner - Some guy protects the world from a quartet of escaped cyborg bunnies. Stars Dougie & Chris (12a)
- June 2009 - New release: The Undertaker II. This is a gripping story of an unstable undertaker going around looking for his next victim/customer. Watch as he turns up at a road accident and turns on a poor defenceless bystander. some disturbing images. (18)
- Nov 2009 - Beverly Hills Cop - Slapstick cop comedy. Stars Eddie Murphy, Davie Inglis (PG)
- Mar 2011 - Fight Club III - The MacRaes go along to their local Oasis for a quick pint. Stars K. & E. MacRae (18)
- December 2011 - The Shining - A family heads to an isolated hotel which has been closed down for the summer where an evil and spiritual presence thinks it might sell quicker. The horror then unfolds as locals are left without proper beer for months. Not to be confused with the Over
lookscaig Hotel from the Wicker Man. - Nov 2012 - The Cannonball Run - Some guy races around in a flash car. Stars Burt Reynolds and Oggy (PG)
- Mar 2013 - Phonebooth 2 - A local shopkeeper answers a phonecall at the shop and can't get off the phone for 48 hours. Stars Colin Farrell and Iris Mackay (15)
[edit] Awards
- Best Village In Sutherland (1864-76, 1979-84, 1987-99, 2001-03, 2005, 2007)
- Most Likely Place To Be Raped By Seagulls (1989,1996)
- Furthest Northwest Village (1978-72, 1997, 2003)
- Best Local Shoppie (1974, 1982)
- The Only Village With An Accent More Incoherent Than That Of Dundee (1999)
- The Only Village To Win The 1999 Award (1999)
- Most Geordies Outside Of Newcastle (2001, 2005-07)
[edit] False Rumours
- There isn't have a phone in the shop, so you never have to wait to be served!
- The village cashpoint machine is always in full working order, even when its raining
- The cashpoint never, ever runs out of money. Not even on busy days ie Games Day
- The shop does not make any profit on road fuel, not even when army are here (who could at nearly £11.10 a litre)
- Even the church is shut on a Sunday,
- There's no money in sheep (ask Ian Black or anyone with one of those fancy 4x4 trucks)
- Runrig are playing in the Smoo on Friday night.
- John Lennon had a fling with Iris.
- Robbie Mackay won the 100m bronze medal at the 1992 Olympics.
- Hev(aaayy) Macleod from the Clan Macleod hates whisky.
- A Dog got lost in a Durness cave and reappeared miles away at Loch Eriboll. (Jock the Farm found it and sold it on for a fortune)
- A caveman lives in Smoo Cave.
- The Caveman does not like women (when they have their clothes on)
- Crofters really are nice people.
- You can buy a loaf of bread in the Spar for less than 3 bloody quid.
- You can buy a loaf of last years bread in the shoppy
- Robbie The Shop is down to his last £1000 million (but the boondie's not)
- The new Durness job centre is going to be built in Hames Place (to save residents walking too far).
- Don (the Ka) Campbell led the assault on Glencoe.
[edit] Things we think are false rumours
- We will all miss the cape ones (Cheers Jock and Martin for getting rid of them) perhaps now they can afford soap and deodorant.
- John Brivard has entered the Grand Prix
- Ali PO retires in september 09 because of his bad joints and whiskey!!
- Theres more Geordies and Fifers up at the Highland Games than whats left in Newcastle and Fife.
- John Carbreck can play the boxxy better the his brother Alec.
- The boatyard toilet (cludgie) has won awards for cleanliness and hygeine.
- There's life beyond Inverness.
- Somebody once had their heart ripped out during a bar fight at the Sango Oasis.
- Janet killed the last Brown Bear in Durness with her icy cold stare.
- Don the Ka once won the Victoria Cross (and Alec stole it for his collection)
- Freemasons were seen walking around Durness at the weekend with huge grins on their faces, this is believed to be a direct result of a certain mouthpiece missing from the first meeting of the new masonic season.
- Time machine microwave turns back the clock on out of date food at a craft village near you!
- Blue Ridge are playing at RockNess 2008*
- Chris and other people with no connection to it at all turned to Gretna FC. As these supporters never give practical help to the club they allegedly support, Gretna have resigned from the Scottish League as these fans never contribute anything to the cause*
- Chris had his annual wash on Wed 28 May, local detectives believe his parents are planning a visit in the very near future*
- Garry Glitter is to become a range warden on the bombing range.(He is getting Fionas job)
[edit] LOCAL SERVICES
- Barbara Rhue for local watchdog.
- Bookshop for all your food recycling requirements - nothing ever thrown away
- Henry for a load of logs....(only if you want your fire to go out)
- Babysitting service contact Carol.
- Terry for washing machine repairs and garden fences (could take some time to complete)
- Fuller and Criss For expert football analysts (or talking shite in general)
- Criss (but you would be better waiting for Dougie to arrive for the summer) for rabbit control
- James Keith for cleaning cludgies
- Nick for all your computer repairs... and a bus to Lairg if you feel the need to leave.
- Colin the Caveman for rescue... mountain / cave rescue, coastguard, the odd damsel in distress, you name it!
- Tommy Smoo for the ultimate garden ornament
- Len's construction: Able to turn a perfectly good dwelling house into a ruin in 6 months
- Oasis Restaurant: Closest you'll ever get to a 1970s greasy spoon cafe
- Hugh's Taxis: Oasis - Smoo service every 10 minutes
- Get a raggie free with your WKD
- The (patented) multiple-soup-boiling-germ-eradication method pioneered by local ex-pastor simon, now known as ex-pastor-isation
- Only just over two weeks left until Halloween. Crash course in evil, only a few places remaining. Contact the remains of West End for full detaails
[edit] Classifieds
[edit] Lost and Found
- LOST Sense of humour... last seen in Balnakeil.
- Found: a 2 for 1 offer in the shop (honest!).
- Lost: Pub sign from Lerin Road End. Trampy sort of manny seen tampering with it a couple of weeks back. All information should be given to village gossips who will spread the word fast
[edit] Sales and Wants
| Smoo Cave Hotel SOLD!!! | ||||||
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- For sale: Handgun, once belonged to Mark Chapman. May appeal to John Lennon fans
- For sale: Complete set of encyclopedias - no longer needed - f*%#i~g wife knows everything!
- For sale: Stamp collection, contact Big Ed, KLB
- Wanted: Reliable joiner - may have to look outside village.
- Wanted urgently!! Someone to explain the Offside rule ken, contact Jock Fae Fife before next Saturday please - Try here Jock ;-)
- Wanted: driver's licence - contact Don the Ka. John Millieeer has one that he will be giving back in a month or so.
- Wanted: New roof for luxury chalet: contact Whiskers.
- For sale: Fitba boots, selling cause I canna kick the ba, contact Jock fae Fife (at present lying in inverness police station as evidence).
- For sale: One years supply of Monday and Thursday time sheets, in good and unused cond, contact the painter.
- For Sale: Surplus to requirements. About 12 yards of ridging. Contact Greenkeeper Jack
- Wanted: Two roof trestles to finish of house (thanks to everyone for donating wood)
- Wanted: Woman... must be good with iron , also small feet would an advantage so as you can get closer to the sink when washing dishes. (See Housewife)
- Sorry Janet... I meant iron in the crumpled clothes sense, not the golf club type! (although it may help in tie-break situation)
- Wanted:Colour TV - to be first kid in street (Hames Place) with one.
- Wanted: the missing 9 holes for the golf course - contact Jack MacPherson.#
- wanted: back window for astra, contact chris.
- For sale: slightly rock damaged tent, contact Bruce
- Wanted: New tent, contact Bruce
[edit] Genuine Sales and Wants
- Wanted: Pink paint to finish off fence, Contact George Cordiner or Marty the Pink Fence Painter!!!
- Wanted: Map - I've been stuck in Durness for 34 years!! Landranger 0009 (Cape Wrath, Durness, Scourie) ideal but not willing to pay Spar special price of £32.99 for piece of paper. Anyone know if Ronnie owns a photocopier?
- Wanted: New front wing for Landcruiser, also good strong rope! Contact Nick Hird.
- Wanted: Cloned golf balls for JW
- For sale : Pub quiz answer book, Contact Janet at the Oasis.
- Wanted: Big whippy CB car arial, fandango wide wheels with big fuck off grabber 80 tyres, furry dice x 2, Duke of hazard air horns, spoilers back and front (need to be turnip field proof), a sticky out elbow for the window, 8 track tape machine ( with Colorado tapes), hillclimber sun visor, 4 x spot lights (bulbs and wires not essential) and a huge pair of blee sun glasses. All needed soon for arrivel of new ford Mondeo. Contact John Miller at Mace/Spar.
- For Sale: 1972 Hillman Hunter. Low Mileage (see John Grant). Never been raced. Been to Bettyhill, Scourie and out "e" road once. Came down Gualin on various occasions with left hand front and rear wheels in ditch while driver necked a half bottle of Vodka. Negotiated culverts with ease. Many spare parts, Philomena Begley 8 tracks can be found around Lawsons Well.... J Muller
- Wanted: stake for burning witches, warlocks, muslims and other incomers. Must be made entirely from plastic, rubber or Henry's wet wood - the smellier the better!
- Wanted: Conregation for local kirk. Contact John(The Lonly) Mann*
[edit] Tourist Information
[edit] Local Accommodation
Cape Wrath Hotel- Closed to tourists. Cheers Watson'- Mackays Hotel (Nissen Hut) CLOSED
- West End, Now taking bookings for the next millenium*
[edit] Phrases locals love to hear
- I love your brogue, is it Irish?!
- Are there any free rooms around here? - Aye, Thurso
- Have you lived here all your life?
- (Not yet is the reply to the above question)
- What do you do in Winter?
- So are you a MacKay then?
- Is it always windy?
- So I take it you all speak Gaelic up here?
- I didn't expect it to be sunny up here.
- Do you have TV up here?
- Crikey, the fuel is cheap here isn't it?
- Where can I get petrol on a Sunday?
- You honestly saying that big blue trailer is the cinema?
- (Tourist ignoring a closed sign at entrance to a shop) "Are you open?"
- (Tourist down Smoo Cave) "Do you take Mastercard?"
[edit] Phrases you just wouldn't hear around Durness
- Hold on a minute dear, I've got a customer waiting...
- Happy New Year Don, your allways a welcome guest.
- Fuck me! I havent seen the fast trac for days.
- By god that singer is good. You can understand every word he is singing!!
- My god Carbreck you didn't tan much this summer! (naaah he just needs a wash)
- Fuller "the spelling on that gravestone is spot on"
- "Simon, let's go to Cocoa mountain for a hot chocolate"
- My goodness, that concert in Smoo cave was divine
- Excuse me, do you have these with a 56" waist?
- Now where's that Cocoa Mountain, I can't see a sign for it anywhere.
- I'm hungry, lets go to the bookshop for a damn good meal
[edit] Local Sports
- Sheep Racing - Watch this unique sporting spectacle, place your bets and cheer your favourite down the home straight as they get chased by Keoldale's finest wolves. Truly hysterical, complete with jockeys urging their mounts down the 2 mile course. Also watch the 3 mile long tourist tailback as the local crofters get their revenge on the Campervan Clan!
- Don Baiting - Buy "The Whisker" a can of Blackthorn cider, wait 5 minutes, make a disparaging comment about the Army, or how tidy his croft looks, then retire to a safe distance and giggle
A prime example.
[edit] Local Songs
[edit] Local odes[edit] An Ode to the Smoo
[edit] Ode to the Raggie
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