Dungeons & Dragons: Real Life Edition/Alignments & Deities

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D&D-Real Life Edition

The first edition player's manual.

The world of Dungeons & Dragons: Real Life Edition is full of both moral choices you can make and factions you can join. Your character’s beliefs play a great deal into gameplay, and affect everything from what sort of books they buy to who they get into a pseudo-intellectual argument with in a coffee shop. Because of this, your party should ideally be made up of like-minded—or at least somewhat compatible—individuals.

Just like in real life, these choices and factions can be boiled down into a handful of extremely over-generalized ideas and associate groups who adhere to them.

Alignments

There are two different types of alignment, Ideological Alignment and Moral Alignment. Your Ideological Alignment covers your characters (usually political) beliefs. Your Moral Alignment, on the other hand, covers their moral disposition. Any Ideological Alignment can be matched with any other moral alignment—not all Rightist characters are good, nor all Leftist characters bad, or vice versa.

Ideological Alignments

D&DApathy

A typical Apathetic Unaligned character.

There are five major Ideological Alignments: Far Left, Left, Far Right, Right, and Unaligned. Each alignment carries with it a great deal of dogma, so going the route of the Unaligned character is not as ignorant nor as lazy and some would have you think.

  • Far Left: There are two subgroups of the Far Left alignments: Communists and Liberals. Communists believe that all capital should be evenly distributed between everyone, regardless of whether or not “everyone” deserves an equal share of said capital, and that anyone who makes money is inherently evil for some reason. Liberals are more-or-less the same way, except they will often indulge in things like $12-a-cup gourmet coffee and $4-a-piece vegetarian sushi, and fail to see the irony. The average member of the Far Left alignment is a 26-year-old with no job and half a Liberal Arts degree.


  • Left: The watered-down version of the Far Left alignment. Leftists are typically less educated than members of the Far Left alignment, and as a result much more likely to spout unverified factoids. In addition, they are typically members of the working class, and adhere to Leftist ideology because of the Left's support of labor unions. The average member of the Left alignment is a 50-year-old high-school-dropout who gets paid $34 an hour to pull a fucking lever on an assembly line and still thinks they’re entitled to their retirement pension, even after the bloated auto company they work for goes bankrupt.


  • Unaligned: There are two subgroups of Unaligned: the Apathetic and the Uninformed. The Apathetic don’t care for any alignments, because they realize how ultimately pointless all of their menial squabbling really is. The Uninformed are likewise unconcerned, because they’re all lazy, ignorant shitpiles who don’t read the fucking newspaper.


  • Right: Members of the Right alignment are less extreme than either of their Far Right brethren, and as a result much more bearable to be around, because, though they think the same way as their Far Right brethren, they don't talk about it as much. The average Rightist is a 35-year-old with a family, a good job, and a mild-to-moderate prejudice against blacks.


  • Far Right: There are also two subgroups of the Far Right alignment: Conservatives and Libertarians. Libertarians’ beliefs can be summed up with the phrase “the government is shit,” because it largely is. The second group—whose members are far more numerous and far more likely to deny overwhelming scientific evidence—are the Conservatives. Conservatives are known for their unabashed hate of everything that contradicts the American norm circa 1953. The average Conservative is a 48-year-old small business owner who thumps the Bible and protests against gay marriage in his/her spare time.


Moral Alignments

There are only three Moral Alignments: Good, Evil, and Neutral. The system is quite eloquent, and works thusly: Good people are nice, Evil people are dicks, and Neutral people fall somewhere in between.

Deities

There are a great deal of Deities in D&D:IRL. Chances are your character will fervently adhere to at least one Deity, though following more than one is certainly not discouraged. Each Deity—in addition to belong to a certain Ideological and Moral Alignment—is a patron of one or more different things or concepts. Many of the Deities do not get along with one another, and as a result players who adhere to conflicting deities are often hostile towards one another. Keep this and other things in mind when you create your character.

Alex Jones

D&DJones

Alex Jones.

Main Article: Alex Jones

  • Ideological Alignment: Right
  • Moral Alignment: Evil


The God of madness, disunity, and mildly entertaining conspiracy theories, Alex Jones is a vengeful, spiteful, and angry God. Known for his overt hatred and jealousy of the other deities in the D&D: IRL pantheon, believing all (save for a rare few such as Ron Paul) are a single entity that is a greater threat than even he and the madness which he promotes. He is known in the heavens for illegally operating a bullhorn which is said to cause madness and disdain among the followers of other deities.

Followers of Alex Jones are typically aggressive and brutish characters, with very little foresight for their actions and a less than satisfactory grasp on hard facts, world politics, and history. Although Alex Jones' followers are intended to be NPCs, at the permission of the DM and a little guidance, followers of Alex Jones may be acceptable to play, at least until the PC graduates from college.

Ann Coulter

D&DDeity1

Ann Coulter.

Main Article: Ann Coulter

  • Ideological Alignment: Far Right
  • Moral Alignment: Evil


The Goddess of hate, lies, deceit, and taken-out-of-context soundbites, Ann Coulter is one of the most vile and self-serving Deities in the D&D:IRL pantheon. Spawned, fully formed, in the Deepest Circle of Hell, Ann Coulter’s hair is a nest of venomous snakes, her skin is putrid, rotting leather, and her blood is pure sulfuric acid. However, she primarily manifests herself in either the form of a great, black dog or a scrawny blonde woman with an abnormally prominent Adam’s apple when forced to abide in the material plane.

Ann Coulter primarily manifests her evil through the written word. Though few people have actually bothered to read her columns before forming an opinion about her—most newspapers that make up the totally-not-biased-at-all media outright refuse to carry them—she is almost universally despised.

Worshipers of Ann Coulter are typically outspoken, borderline-belligerent individuals. Though they are often unliked, those who adhere to Ann Coulter’s teachings are rewarded with a viewpoint that isn’t whatever the Democratic party says, as well as the power to metabolize suffering and the tears of children.

Barack Obama

D&DDeity2

Barack Obama.

Main Article: Barack Obama

  • Ideological Alignment: Far Left
  • Moral Alignment: Good


Barack Obama is the God of progress, change, progression, change, uninformed first-time voters, change, benevolence, and wishful thinking. His primary power is the ability to spend large amounts of other people’s money without actually accomplishing anything in the process, although he has other powers as well. Barack Obama can talk for hours on end and not actually say anything, for instance, and he can turn invisible despite the fact he’s black.

Barack Obama is the current leader of the D&D:IRL pantheon: a post he will continue to hold until either the End Time, or until the Republicans collectively get their heads out of their asses.

Those who follow Barack Obama’s teachings—called “Obamunism”—are typically great admirers of charismatic individuals, even above more important things, like job qualification.

Bill O’Reilly

D&DDeity3

Bill O’Reilly.

Main Article: Bill O’Reilly

  • Ideological Alignment: Right
  • Moral Alignment: Evil


Bill O’Reilly is the God of selfishness, narcissism, self aggrandizement, yelling, and keeping objects that would otherwise spin stationary. Though not nearly as evil, nor as despised, as the vile succubus Ann Coulter, he is still very evil, and on par with her in terms of power, though his books are arguably much shittier.

In addition to writing shitty, self aggrandizing books, Bill O’Reilly has a shitty, self aggrandizing show, from which he derives most of his power. On said show, he will invite guests whose opinions he disagrees with, and then yell louder than they, therefore proving the correctness of his own position.

Followers of Bill O’Reilly are often self righteous, self-centered individuals who also happen to believe that their opinions are automatically right because they hold them. Followers of Bill O’Reilly are also blessed with the ability to yell louder than anyone else.

Ernesto "Che" Guevara

D&DChe

Ernesto "Che" Guevara.

Main Article: Che Guevara

  • Ideological Alignment: Far Left
  • Moral Alignment: Neutral


Dubbed by a ways and more the 'Supreme Pinko' and easily the most manly, successful and genuine of that subgroup, Che Guevara is the God of Rebellion, Idealism, Overrated Books, and merchandise that capitalizes on your image.

Through his heroic acts and sell-out worshipers he has climbed higher among the ranks of the Pinko Gods than even it's supreme father Karl Marx. At this point however very few acknowledge Che the Pinko and instead tout him as a rebel. This can often be seen on the various T-shirts and other merchandise made by corporate enterprises that Che himself opposes. For this reason among the Pinko pantheon he is also the only one that has 'lost his moxie' in recent years and gone from Good to Neutral.

Che's worshipers are generally rebellious high-school students and punk-rock music fans that live as squatters, both have an outwardly aggressive demeanor when they call upon the power of Che, though such power causes weaknesses to the threat of being arrested or actual violence.

Hillary Clinton

D&DDeity4

Hillary Clinton.

Main Article: Hillary Clinton

  • Ideological Alignment: Far Left
  • Moral Alignment: Evil


The Goddess of persistence, losing, those who lose, being a sore loser, and being a Senator of a state in which she has no residence, Hillary Clinton’s primary ability is her knack of utterly failing at whatever lofty goal she sets for herself. More inadequate than malevolent, her evil is mostly directed at those who best her in her various endeavors, which is a great many people.

Although she fails at her desired endeavors, Hilary Clinton has held a number of “runner up” positions, like being current Secretary of State, from which she derives her power.

Followers of Hilary Clinton will spend most of their time losing, as they will likely be doing a great deal of that.

Jerry Springer

D&DDeity5

Jerry Springer.

Main Article: Jerry Springer

  • Ideological Alignment: Left
  • Moral Alignment: Neutral


Jerry Springer is the God of chaos, death, destruction, mayhem, sexual promiscuity, incest, Middle America, and the working class. His intent is neither good nor evil, as both are defined positions that he seeks to undermine. Rather, Jerry Springer revels in chaos and discord. His primary power is the ability the make dysfunctional families all the more dysfunctional, and to make otherwise normal people debase themselves in front of millions at his whim. As such, Jerry Springer derives nearly all of his power from his television show.

Followers of Jerry Springer are typically uneducated working class people with poor familial relations or bizarre libidos. As a result, Jerry Springer grants them the attention they seek and, in some cases, deserve.

Johnny Depp

D&DDeity6

Johnny Depp.

Main Article: Johnny Depp

  • Ideological Alignment: Unaligned
  • Moral Alignment: Good


Johnny Depp is the King of Pirates, and the Lord of Being Overrated. His main power is his ability to be automatically loved by anyone and everyone who fancies themselves a film aficionado, but isn’t. Although he does, in fact, possess a great deal of actual acting talent, it is no way proportional to the absurd amount of praise he gets for it.

Johnny Depp derives his great influence from a magical device known as the Silver Screen, on which he frequently appears.

Followers of Johnny Depp are known for dressing up bizarre garb, and attending sessions of Johnny Depp appearing on the Silver Screen for great lengths of time. They are also known for their mob mentality regarding the greatness of their observing Deity, and their fervency in defending assaults made upon him. As a result, they are somewhat obnoxious and trying to be around, especially in a discussion regarding the merits of the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

Oprah

D&DDeity7

Oprah.

Main Article: Oprah

  • Ideological Alignment: Unaligned
  • Moral Alignment: Good, Neutral, Evil


Oprah is the Goddess of extremes, as well as insipid literature. At any given moment, Oprah is either extremely fat, extremely thin, or at some state of transition between the two. Furthermore, Oprah’s television program—the source of her power—often changes between the interview of rape victims to the giving away of copious amounts of free gifts at Oprah’s whim. Oprah is a dangerous beast, and not to be toyed with.

In addition to her television program, Oprah oversees other things, from the distribution and popularity of shitty books to self improvement, though the later of these is now overseen by her first henchman Dr. Phil.

Followers of Oprah, too, typically go through extreme mood swings, although this is probably because they’re menopausal, retired housewives. Oprah grants her followers no powers, but those who attend her television program in person are always likely to leave with at least one free gift.

Peyton Manning

D&DDeity8

Peyton Manning.

Main Article: Peyton Manning

  • Ideological Alignment: Unaligned
  • Moral Alignment: Good


Peyton Manning is the God of sportsmanship, throwing oblate spheroids, humor, and selling out. His primary powers revolve around a mysterious game known as “Football,” a war-like spiritual, physical and mental competition played by many of the lesser Gods, of which Manning is the king. Manning’s arch enemy in “Football” is one by the name of Tom Brady, a false God who derives his own power through less-than-fair means.

In addition to his Football-related powers, Peyton Manning has the ability to appear in at least 15% of the world’s commercials at any one time. This—coupled with Peyton Manning’s sizeable Football earnings—allow him to buy a great many things, keeping the nation’s economy afloat.

Followers of Peyton Manning often become good at Football themselves. However, worshipping Peyton Manning does not grant one the God’s renowned sense of humor, which only he can possess.

Ron Paul

D&DPaul

Ron Paul.

Main Article: Ron Paul

  • Ideological Alignment: Right
  • Moral Alignment: Good


Paradoxically, Ron Paul is the primordial God of both freedom and literal interpretation, he also reigns over the realm of minding your own business. He is known for his opposition to other deities and power to wear even the hardiest deities down through filibustering, shoddy accusations, and sheer attrition. Furthermore while he claims willingness to cooperate with Gods of all Ideological Alignments, he more often than not opposes and seeks to destroy them.

Ron Paul has also delved into the realm of mildly amusing conspiracy theories from time to time, causing him to occasionally align himself with Alex Jones and as of such, some of his followers have fallen to the Mad God. While like the Mad God he believes the other deities to be a unified, evil entity, but unlike the God of Madness his priority of minding your own business generally makes them conflict.

Ron Paul is unique among Right-Aligned Deities in that the bulk of his followers are not Blue-Collar Workers and Businessmen. Followers of Ron Paul are most often idealistic, southern college students, Stay at Home Mothers, and War Veterans.

Rush Limbaugh

D&DDeity9

Rush Limbaugh.

Main Article: Rush Limbaugh

  • Ideological Alignment: Far Right
  • Moral Alignment: Neutral


Rush Limbaugh is the God of logic, hypocrisy, and paradoxes. Because of this, Rush Limbaugh is one of the most dynamic Gods in the D&D pantheon. On the one hand, he is capable refuting the Far Left’s best arguments with hardly an effort. On the other hand, he regularly demonstrates his sanctimony without even realizing it. Also, he is addicted to pain killers.

Rush Limbaugh derives his great power from his syndicated radio show. This show has the ability to polarize any group of individuals that are exposed to it, especially on long drives where nothing else comes in.

Followers of Rush Limbaugh often represent the God’s multifaceted approach to the human condition. On the one hand, they will almost certainly be able to best any Leftists they come across in political debate, and yet be unable to see the error of their own ways.

Sarah Palin

D&DDeity10

Sarah Palin.

Main Article: Sarah Palin

  • Ideological Alignment: Right
  • Moral Alignment: Good


Sarah Palin is Goddess of beauty, maternity, sexuality, family, tradition, and the hunt. She resides in a Great White Expanse known as “Alaska,” where man and nature live in perfect harmony. Sarah Palin is queen of this great land, and rules over it justly.

The Exalted Queen Sarah Palin derives her great power from her radiant beauty, which she uses to melt the hearts of her political opposition. She is also one of the most intelligent, fair, and reserved Deities in the D&D pantheon.

Followers of Sarah Palin typically exemplify the qualities she exhibits—a sound judgment, expert rhetorical skills, and great beauty—but to a lesser degree.

See Also

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