Dundalk

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Dundalk
aka El Paso
Dundalk
Dundalk
GENERAL INFORMATION
anthem Dundalk! Dundalk!
(cheap New York! New York! rip off)
dialing code 042 Fuck You
currency D'euro
GEOGRAPHY
country Ireland
DEMOGRAPHICS
languages / dialects Knakker, Polish, Non English
GOVERNMENT
mayor Jim Corr
HISTORY
established Before You Anyway
“Dundalk, only the town Drogheda wishes it was (and their clothes keep falling off and before they've had a chance to cover up... it's too late because I've seen everything)”
~ Patrick Stewart on Dundalk


“I'll hit ya a slither in da face, so I will”
~ Cuchulainn on being from Dundalk


Dundalk (from the Irish: Dún Dealgan meaning "Dalgan's Toilet") is a town in County Louth, on the East coast of Ireland. Other names given to Dundalk are Fundalk, Scumdalk, Dumbdalk and El Paso. The town is close to the border with Norn Iron and equi-distant from Bubblin' Dublin and Troublin' Belfast.

It was granted its charter in 1189. Within legally defined boundaries it is the largest cesspit in Ireland. Irregardless of this it is a nicer place than Drogheda.

Recent History

“I have a certain penchant for Ladies of low moral fibre”
~ Bill Clinton on visiting Dundalk in 2000

Around 3500 BC, the Neolithic people came to Ireland. One of the lasting features they left behind is the old Shopping Center at the Hill Street Bridge, on the southern side of Dundalk. That's where Tescos does be. i love Es

In the 17th century, Lord of the Limerick (later James 'Jim' Corr, 1st Earl of Clanbrassil Street Fiddle & Time Travel) created the modern town we know today. He was responsible for the construction of streets leading from his house to the town centre; his ideas came from many visits to Lego Land. In addition to the demolition of the old walls and castles, he had new tree houses (bases) built, the most significant of which still remains in his back garden.


Dundalk was used as a nuclear bomb testing site by the IRA in 1994, it has been said that the town was greatly improved by this and that certainly the women have had less ugly mutations since. Dundalk is also the breeding grounds for the Irish special olympics team.

Education

Education (pronounced: Edge-you-ma-kay-shun) is a touchy subject.

I love heroin

DKIT is county Louth’s top third level college, mainly because its the only one. It is ranked just below the University of Life by Times Magazine.

Sport

“C'mon da town!”
~ Dundalk Local on Sport

Oriel Park is home to Dundalk F.C. and hooligans. The club, nicknamed The Lillywhites, has won stuff. The fans don't care as long as there's a good 'scrap' before, during and/or after the match, especially when The Drogs, Bohs or Shamrock Rovers are the opposition.


The supporters are renowned with famous chants such as:

  • 'Come ova ere'
  • 'We no wer yer bus is!!!'
  • 'Lets go fukin mental, na na na na eh na na na na eh'
  • 'We R black, We R white, We R fucking Dynamite'

Please Note: A compilation CD of the chants sung by The Friary Girls Choir is available for purchase in the Dundalk F.C. Souvenir Shop at Oriel Park.


Dundalk has proved itself time and time again as trendsetters in the sport of failing at life, three of its citizens took the bronze silver and gold at the world failing competition, its greatest rival being a slum in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil.

Industry

Dundalk is renowned for it's industry:

  • iQon computers (in liQuidation)
  • Harp Lager (It's really not the Nordies 'Thing')
  • Xerox (lasted less than 1 year)
  • Getting the dole

Culture

Fashion

Dundalk has a rich history of cultural distinction and trend setting. Who can forget the '2 all over- leave the fringe' haircut of the early to late 1990's. Dundalk invented 'Knakker chic'. To achieve the knakker chic look one must adorn themselves in a two piece Tracksuit, Nike Air Max Trainers, White Socks (off white acceptable), at least one gold sovereign ring (Celtic F.C. crest preferable) and a designer #2 blade haircut. Stud earring in left ear mandatory for male, over-sized hoops for female.

Art

Graffiti is Dundalk's best expression of it's culture.

Notable masterpieces are:

  • 'Coco '97'
  • 'Coco woz ere 2000'
  • 'Madda'
  • 'Abba Rocks'
  • 'Fatima Mansions Keep Music Evil'
  • 'SWED*
  • 'Boyler'
  • 'Nambo and leezer
  • Chrisy
  • COC
  • Fernando Torres waz 'ere
  • Osama Bin Laden~
  • Cow Boys Dont Care
  • The Charlatans (Can be seen in Pearse Park)
  • Too Late Sue
  • Jim Corr Rocks

--F

  • UTCH

--L

  • IMF KILL

Music

“We need the cunts... yeah”
~ Jinx Lennon on St.Louis Convent Girls
“Cunts are still runnin' the world”
~ Jarvis Cocker on Jim Corr

When it comes to music look no further than 'The Corrs'. Nothing says Dundalk music rocks your socks right off more than the Corrs. Then there's the inspired Jinx Lennon, a legend in his own mind and the minds of other deluded twits.

Pastimes

For many youths in Dundalk there are two popular and prominent pastimes, 'Endlessly Circling The Marshes aKa "Doing Laps"' and 'Knakker Drinking'. Combined with their atrocious fashion sense and stupid hair, these are a species best left to their own self-deprecating selves.

'Cruisin' around the town in a pimped up Polo is also a popular activity undertaken by males in Dundalk. There is no set agenda or criteria for such an activity, just make sure you've spent more money on neon lights and other useless modifications than the value of the initial vehicle.

Nightlife

Dundalk is well known for its social scene mainly because its 'crap'.

Ridleys is the self-styled premier nightclub in "The Town". The dance floor can fit approximately 3.34 people and the carpet has a nice aura of stale drink and sick. Ridleys has a strict entry code, only the rich and famous of Dundalk, those who know Brian or girls with big knockers get in. Extensively renovated in 2009, the new decor has now lots of stairs to accommodate for the large number of people who like to fall down them.

Silence is "de place 2 be so it is" if you can't get into Ridleys. All the bouncers are past offenders and have all spent time in Mount Joy prison. They only sell knock-off Vodka, however the drink is only 3 euro most nights.

The Wee House - is recorded in the Guinness Book of Records as been the worlds smallest pub. However, it does a good pint of Guinness.

A point to note if your night seems to be ending up with you staying in Muirhevna Mor, its probably best to stop drinking and head for the border.

Since The Tara closed and there's no Mineshaft anymore you're best bet is Mac's or the Spiritstore but it'll never be the same

Cuisine

Dundalk has had little original input into the culinary world, however, the people have borrowed from many national dishes to create local delicacies.

The most popular of these dishes are:

The Chip Butty - originally an English creation, the Dundalkians have added their own twist to this classic, marrying Jesus and Buddha in a bread roll. They take the Israeli national dish (broken) bread and slap a couple of potato chips between the gap and then lovingly saturate with the Indian national dish of curry. A truly unique taste sensation in Dundalk is to add cheese and occasionally bacon to the combination. Some locals have been known to also add garlic sauce to the mix. It's magical.

The Snack Box - originally an American creation, the Dundalkians have done little to alter this classic, however, they are in considerably better shape than their counterparts. The Snack Box utilizes it's compact style for the convenience of the consumer and to deliver an affordable feast. The box will usually consist of between two and five unspecified pieces of spice battered chicken (perfect for hiding the aroma of rancid meat, again borrowing from the Indians) and surrounded by potato chips exuberantly seasoned with salt & vinegar. It's a scurvy buster.

The Chicken Fillet Roll - originated in France with the creation of the baguette, Dundalkians have added their own pizazz to the dish. Do not be fooled by the bland title, this crusty bread roll contains chicken (often the spiced variety), lettuce and cheese. For extra razzmatazz add any of the following onion, mayonnaise, garlic mayonnaise, tomato/ketchup, coleslaw or taco sauce. Michelin don't make enough stars for this.

Top Eateries

  • The Greenmount
  • Abrakestabra
  • Sing Li Van
  • Europa
  • Zam-Zam's (The Rapist)
  • Mullens
  • The Roma
  • The left over bins behind Mizzonis
  • The Sportsmans Bar and Restaurant
  • Conlons
  • Cheungs - How can anyone forget the glorious 3in 1 and portion of chicken balls, chips and rice covered in curry sauce in a tray with some "chicken balls" which in fact in many cases could be Rover your friendly Alsatian that went missing last week. It is also known for adding 'surprises' to your dish, such as red Bic biros or an occasional woodlouse.
  • Dundalk Grammar School Canteens - Known for shitty soup, pricey sandwiches and the main staple, mystery meat sausage rolls, which can vary from quality, flavour, and sometimes size. However, the boarders canteen has a better selection, such as Jack-Russell wings, Calico burgers, nonhuman meat sausages and others that haven't been eaten yet for fear of poison.

Language

“I'll hut ya a box in da face, so I will”
~ Dundalk Native on You
“Wot ya lukin ahh”
~ Dundalk Youth on You
“I do be dow'n da tow'n so I does be”
~ Dundalkian on Pastimes


Dundalkians native tongue has baffled Professors of Linguistics throughout the world. Most commonly found is the tendency to make one syllable words into two syllables e.g. the word 'Town' becomes 'Tow-in', 'Down' becomes 'Dow-in', 'Clown' becomes 'Clow-in' and 'You' often becomes 'You-eh' with a drone like drawl at the end. The use of an improper tense is prevalent in Dundalk dialect, some examples are; 'I does be' meaning 'When I am', 'Amn't I' meaning 'Am I not' and 'That'll Learn Ya' meaning 'That will teach You'. The use of an affirmative 'so' as in the cases; so I does, So you are and So I will act as an aid to emphasize the point being made. Examples of these in context are:

  • 'You are a cunt, so you are!'
  • 'Yer fardder is a prick, so he is!'
  • 'Yer mudder is a slut, so she is!'
  • 'I have a knife, so I does!'
  • 'I'll have that lollipop, so I will'

These are just a few helpful lingual distinctions for you to consider upon visiting Dundalk.

Having a Conversation

Should you wish to comunicate with a local here is some useful translations;

  • Talking to a Taxi Driver

E.g. - You want to visit a friend in the housing estate, Ard Easmuinn.

Do Not say 'I wish to visit Ard Easmuinn, please' - This will only confuse the Taxi Driver and result in a steeper fare for you.

Instead say: 'I wanna go to Our Desmond' - This will appease the Taxi Driver who will without altercation take you to your destination.

  • Talking to a Bouncer

E.g. - You wish to enter the town's premier night club ''Ridley's' but the bouncers are reluctant.

Do Not say: 'Please can I go in, my friends are already inside' - This will only give the bouncers pleasure in telling you 'not tonight' or 'the camera says no' and thus prohibiting you entry.

Instead say: 'Aww he'er, c'mon let me in would ya, I'm naught even drunk yet, so I'm naught, an' ya let me mate in already so ya did, I was he'er last week so I was an' ya let me in den so ya did' - This will challenge the bouncers' integrity and question their instincts, no Ridley's bouncer wants to lose face or regular customers, and especially if your friend has yet to pay in. If this fails try asking for Jim.

Dundalk has entered the record books of Uncyclopedia for chronic Misspelling (despite the existence of spell-check) and Humorlessness (see below)!

Overheard in Dundalk

Outside tonys chipper one rainy night Man 1: I hate Da rain Man 2: Yeah so do i its shiote Man 1: Specially dis sort! Man 2: Wot sort? Man 1: Da Wet Sort! haha It should also be noted that people from the hinterland of Dundalk, i.e. Cooley, grammatically view the use of a full stop at the end of every sentence insufficient by it's self and is denoted orally with the word "hey" (pronounced hee-eey). These out-of-towners frequent Dundalk and you should be aware of their repugnant vocabulary.

See Also

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