Duke Nukem
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“I'm gonna kick your ass!”
~ Duke Nukem on your ass
“In Soviet Russia, naked girls infest Y-!!”
~ Yakov Smirnoff on getting plugged by Duke Nukem
“One whom vehemently compares Duke Nukem to a flower is also one whom will become d-!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on getting plugged by Duke Nukem
“Come get some!”
~ Duke Nukem on hosting a suburban barbeque
“You're an inspiration for birth control!”
~ Duke Nukem on Tila Tequila
“He's the only man to have more steel in his balls than me. Actually, his are all steel.”
~ Daniel Craig on Duke Nukem
“Good Man keeps the small and medium fry away from me.”
~ Chuck Norris on Duke Nukem
“This asshole keeps stealing all of my lines!”
~ Bruce Campbell on Duke Nukem
“I saw him kill a grue once, and i nearly shit myself”
~ Chris Christmas Rodriguez on Duke Nukem
“*Click Click Click Click..Click Click Click*”
~ Xenomorph on why they're hiding from Duke Nukem
“He's got balls of steel.”
~ Captain Obvious on Duke Nukem's balls of steel
“I wonder how small his balls are, He takes too much steriods.”
~ Chuck Norris Shrapnel City
His Grace, Ralph Cholomondely-Featherstonebaugh, first Duke of Nukem (1696 - 1753), was the only man in first-person shooter history to ever shit in more than 1,000,000,000 enemies' throats per minute and never give a single fuck about it. This man makes Chuck Norris look like a freaking 10-year-old sissy with a lollypop and makes Arnold Schwartzenegger feel like Sailor moon. He was also known to have survived a 45 year sequestration in a city completely overrun by alien invaders, presumably living off mostly lead, freezing-shrinking rays, grenades and naked women.
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[edit] Duke Vs. Chuck?
Duke Nukem and Chuck Norris are friends. But during a press meeting at Roundhouse INC., Someone ask if Chuck can beat the crap out of Duke Nukem. Chuck said "Yes I can. He is strong and all, but he's a strong guy to me, which means I could kick his Ass. Duke heard this quote and and went on his Wiki Page and writes a whole crap load of Chuck Norris. He even made a Video (Which was drawn....very badly.) About Chuck getting his ass kick by a Little girl.
Chuck was outrage and came over to his house. Chuck said "Fight me! You little Girly girl!" Duke said yes, but the fight is unknown as of right now. Some say this will be the best Fight, Ever, and will be forever
Yet some speculate that that Chuck Norris is way better than Duke Nukem. Chuck Norris is a fuckin legend. He can like, do what ever he wants. Duke Nukem is just a regular jackoff with lots of guns, one liners, and AHHHHHHHHH!!! MY ARM!!!! I TAKE IT BACK!! I TAKE IT----(Submitter was beaten to death with his own arm by Duke Nukem after spewing out such blasphemy)
[edit] Cash for Peerages Scandal
The Duke of Nukem has recently been implicated in the Blair government's cash-for-peerages scandal. He is believed to have given a loan of £50,000 to New Labour in return for being ennobled. Tony Blair has said of the controversy:
"Bitches shall not mess with the Duke, lest he bout ta take yo Duke and Nukem...yeah he gonna Nukem all."
Experts have yet to decipher the meaning of this British-Afro-American mix of nonsense words. Some have translated it to mean something to the effect of "Duke Nukem pwns ass."
[edit] Dukes Rise to Power
According to Norwegian folklore Duke was born of Viking decent from the Viking Leader Eric the I'll-Tear-Your-Fucking-Face-Off. He was considered to powerfull and discarded into the forests. There Duke found a church and had sex with every single priestess, nun, and hot lady after saving them from a pack of wild grues. After seeing this act many speculated that this boy was infact God himself. Thats when Duke said his first words, "I've got Balls of Steel". Duke then made a makeshift shotgun and proceeded to attack his fathers Viking Castle in the sky single handed. Waves and waves of vikings fell, and their wenches pasionatly loved by Duke(Not really, after he was done with them he killed them too, see back then they didn't have condoms so....). He then stormed the main gates of castle Back-Off-Or-I'll-Pour-Acid-In-You-Eyes and claimed out loud "I've come here to kick ass and chew bubblegum...and i'm all out of gum". And Duke totally fucking uber pwned his dad with a Nuke. While leaving the crater that was once his dad's home and wondering stranger said "Duke...you nuked'em". Duke then adopted the last name "Nukem" and killed the stranger with his pinky toe....and had sex with his wife. Thats when 3D Realms, acting in a way to prolong their life a little longer, made a video game based off a small fraction of his many adventures that led to his dads death(Duke Nukem 3D).
[edit] Love for Oprah
Duke Nukem said that he can't lie about how much he's a big fan of Oprah Winfrey. He said that she loves Duke so much that she gave him a car one time. Oprah never reallys said anything about the relationship between them, but Duke said that she diggs him
[edit] Duke Nukem's self help program
After a long argument with a female on a vent, Duke decided to approach the matter in a more educational manner...publicly, helping those who are lost and face large psychological barricades in life. This led to his new idea, a self help program for females on the Internet.
[edit] Trivia
- He can kick your ass in approximately 0.000000000000000006000000503 seconds
- Duke Nukem was 1st on the Rolling Stones "500 Baddest Motherfuckers of all time" followed by Chuck Norris tied with Carmine.
- He got quoted in gears of war
- Duke Nukem was bunk buddies with DOOM's Sarge at Shoot'em up University in 1992.
- Duke Nukem watches Friends when he finishes with the bad guys.
- Wrote and published bestselling book of 1993: "Why I'm So Great."
- Guest Starred in Ninja Gaiden 2
- Duke Nukem invented the modern way of cussing. (Thank god)
- The Duke's favorite pass-time is kicking ass and chewing bubble gum.
- If he is all out of gum, he just kicks ass; especially when those alien sons of bitches shoot up his ride.
- He has balls of steel.
- Duke Nukem has a PHD in kicking alien asses.
- Duke Nukem is the actual owner of Playboy and half of the adult sites on the internet. (Other half is split in half again by Chuck Norris and The Terminator.
- Always bet on Duke.
- ALWAYS bet on Duke.
- Duke can use your neck as a toilet...right after ripping it off.
