Dugong

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Dugong

A FREAKING DUGONG! HOLY CRAP!

The dugong (sometimes known as the sea cow or brian west) is a giant tree with lightning-like pants. They enjoy a nice cup of lard on Thursday mornings and often eat people. On their first birthday, they eat their shoes. When Doomsday (13 November) comes, the dugongs will reign supreme and eat the roaches that are resistant to the radiation, and become Lords of the Soup. But until that day comes, they shall continue to amuse us with their hoola hoops of death. Contrary to popular belief, dugongs are of an entirely different species than manatees. Manatees are a far superior creature.

Baby dugongs’ diet consists mostly of pie and other dugongs until they are three weeks old, and after that they eat pizza and noodles (with lemonade on top). They become capable of ingesting humans at two years old, and when they are 52 they will eat anything that’s purple and tell us about the good times.

It doesn't have wings (because that would be silly).

Some dugongs go into politics, such as George Bush or David Letterman. Those who don’t go into politics usually become famous, well known people such as Hitler, the Good Guys and That Guy, and others become your left eyebrow.

Dugong mating rituals generally involve sacrificing Michael Jackson’s nose to the hoola god, Garrrthusgingivitischoppysoup.

During a dugong mating ritual, both partners will chant their beautiful and hated song. The exact lyrics of this song are unknown, but it is believed to go something like this: “Matt Damon!! Arnold Schwarzenegger!!! Jimmy the Foot!!!!” It is believed that when a dugong mates, twelve midgets die, and are reincarnated as toadstools. That’s why there are always lots of toadstools appearing in certain months; this is the dugong mating season.

Doesn't live in a tree (that would also be silly).

On Tuesdays, dugongs shed their skin and eat coral with cheese, and also David Letterman.

The reason that dugongs have no arms or legs is because when they are born the limbs break off and become lodged inside the mother. This is why dugong mothers are so fat. This makes it hard to find out why dugongs wear shoes. It is believed that dugong arms look like fleshy twigs of broccoli and they are believed to have over 20 billion legs.

The inhabitants of Russians worshipped the dugong as a god for approximately 5.476 minutes in 1467 until they decided instead to worship a kitchen utensil known at that time as the ‘knadle’. The knadle was similar in design and shape to what we today call a Chevy.

It's quite ugly (so very ugly).

There is a strong belief among extremist Russian pastry chefs that dugongs wear shoes because of the shape of Italy; and many Germans believe that dugongs should be culled and slaughtered. Hitler got pissed because he insulted his own kind and committed suicide. The French had this to say on the subject: “J'aime manger un dugong au cul avec sporks.”

For more information on dugongs, read a book.

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