From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“A jolly place to live and die.”
“Where did you get that?”
Duft was founded in 842 BC by a band of rogue bicycle repairmen who were tired of wardriving 'pon the land and felt inclined to settle down and procreate. Duft's existence is testament to completing the first goal, though there remains to be constant difficulty in implementing the second (see: Inhabitants))
In 911 AD, Duft's mayor Georgios Demisthios Pletho founded the Technical Broom Closet of Duft. After a wild night in Leyden, William of Orange accidentally renamed this to what is now known as the Technical University Duft. Pletho is also known for his magnum opus Zen and the Art of Bicycle Repair
The Markt, in the center of Duft, could become the center of your life if your life centered around Dutch tourist knicknacks and strangely daring underwear. Or if you have an uncontrollable desire to hear bells ringing. The bells in the Nieuwe Kerk that overlooks the Markt (a local word oddly supposed to mean market or mass screwing of wallets by shrewd merchants) ring almost constantly, in an effort by local authorities to keep property prices low in the center of town. The effort has been going on for the past four centuries with no effect, but in the Netherlands lack of results has never been a reason to stop trying.
Other historical events in Duft are the burning down of the spire on the New Church in 1536. This was widely seen as a good omen, and the celestial powers were pleased to confirm the interpretation by repeating the event (lightning, kaboom, fire, half church burns down, half town burns down, valuable real estate becomes available, speculation starts, everybody becomes rich, everybody becomes poor, let's build another steeple and see if the old omen still works, yes it does) in 1872. To fill the interval between the two disasters, in 1654 Jan Poortman, an unemployed man from Schiedam, decided to dump his still burning joint into a public ashtray, which turned out to be a secondary vent of the greatest accumulation of gunpowder between Paris and Oslo. Jan enjoyed a brief and spectacular liberation from his life's troubles, but his spirit can still be seen wondering the Duft center, begging for enough funds to buy a portable ashtray.
Given the Duftian propensity for disasters, the presence of a nuclear reactor in the Duft Technical University campus is cause for limitless, ass-clenching chill sweats terror.
Duft has several boroughs which differentiate themselves by the sort of crime commited. Duft-Noord is famously known for its car-bombing, Duft-Centrum for its bicycle theft and Duft-Zuid is tha hood. The unofficial borough of Delft-Ikea (owned by svenska) does its part by creating the largest traffic jam in the world, day after day (several guiness book records are held, among them, 'Most annoying traffic jam', 'traffic jam without an end', 'traffic jam with the most red cars in them.'; try-outs everyday at 8am and 6pm, come early or find yourself without a spot).
Inhabitants of Duft are commonly referred to as paupahs (singular: paupah). Duft is still plagued by the lack of women, and therefore most of its inhabitants have taken to either homosexuality or raiding nearby villages for virgins. To this effect, Duft maintains a large standing army of Smurfs and other assorted fairytale creatures. Also, Duft is constantly at war with Oegstgeest. Nootdorp, translated as 'nuts town' is viewed as a colony. Border relationships with The Hague are chilly, with a chance of artillery exchanges. When in 1584 crime in Duft reached a peak some of the prisoners where relocated a few miles away from Duft to the workcamp of PainAcre.
edit Allegiances to certain godlike figures
Most Dufts don't consider anything. Also, you should never think about the Phoenix (you're doing it right now!) Upon entering Duft you get scanned by a ginourmous flying aviary non-mammal burning creature often referred to as the Phoenix. This has caused a lot of panic among new students. Students get one opportunity in their futile lives to choose a "greater" path and pledge allegiance to the "sunlord in the sky". Some may choose not to, these inferiour mammals are refered as and by the pope. The sun lord has great magical powers able to grant life and death as it pleases.
edit Duft University of Technology
TU Duft is a Hogeskool best known for its endless construction period. The design for the famous auditorium was based on the Enterprise from Star-Trek. several butt ugly buildings (preferred description is 'not well understood') and a very large sandbox. Most people found at the university are either drunken students, paid professors or lost Chinese tourists (counts for 98%).
Theorems originating from TUDuft;
- The world is flat (corrected by Johnny Depp)
- Okay, the world is a cube (corrected by Johnny Depp)
- The world is a triangle ????
- Coffee corners can never ever destroy a building (corrected by Douwe Egberts)
- Painting the tallest building half red/ half blue will attract more female students (not)
- No one can steal our nuclear technology (corrected by Kahn, thanx go out to Pakistan for funding)
- Building a nuclear plant next to the university is a good idea.
- Strange floating things in front of the Naval Engineering buildings will spread our fame for excellence
- Results are nothing, process is everything - as said the inventor of the marzipan bullet.
TUDuft is justly famous for the quality of its food. Gastronomy-obsessed students, tourists and visiting faculty flock to Duft with the only objective of eating in the various cafeterias and coffee spots that a benevolent Providence (known as the Great God Sodexho) has scattered about campus. Local peculiarities abound: come and try the characteristic glass-and-iron-meatball at Architectura (glasijzerbitterball), the delicious timber nail soup at Industrial design (houtspijkersoep) and the flavorful strong coffee (meeuwplassenwater)just about everywhere. The Rector's Office will be more than happy to take your reservation, but you should act quickly, since most places are booked out several months in advance.
Close your visit with a nightcap at the Subatomic Bar: on the very tip of the Library of Pointiness, a remarkable building in its own bar, the world's smallest drinking establishment manages to prepare and serve drinks in approximately one square millimeter, or so they tell me. TUDuft: come for the education, stay for the dining experience! will become the university motto starting 2012.
edit Controversies surrounding the Famous Fire at Architecture
In a world where no one is safe, not even at the local coffee corner, something terrible happened. A building burned down, and the truth is hidden away. The following things are written down with the risk of dead upon thread.
edit INHolland University of Misguided Sciences Duft
This University was rated as the number 1 University in the world in 2010. They spend their entire budget on buildings that look good, but have stairs that never bring you to the right floor, resulting in ultimate fatigueness of students.
Dufts currency was the jetzer, which has only recently been replaced by the unit. Due to never-ending miscommunication, there is no known exchange rate, so Duft has taken to non-monetary economic activities, such as the trafficking of pornography and repairing bicycles. Also, Duft remains to be a steady source of nerds.
- Major Import; Beer, wannabe students, student stuff, pizza
- Major Export; Hang-over, wannabe moneymakers, bicycles and papers no one reads
- Economic growth; who cares?
- Uffen; A steady source of girls for the biljonaires to be.
- Technologic advantage; big time, but no one cares
- Most famous inhabitant; Captain Kirk or Spock (Not yet decided)
- Made famous by: G.J. van der Gun and R.A. Schwarze
- Official website: http://www.tuduft.nl/