From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This page needs to be fixed up.
Note to tagger: If possible, please include a more specific parameter to help categorise just what about the article needs to be fixed.Please rewrite or improve this article so that it is higher quality. This may include making spelling, grammar, or punctuation corrections, reorganising the content, or deleting bad content and clichés.
(Peer review is available here) If this page is not fixed in 30 days, it may become a candidate for deletion.
“It's time to D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!!!!!!!!!”
A duel is a human tradition about as old as the invention of the glove. It would often be initiated by one party slapping the other party with a glove, however, without the hand in it (unless of course if they were a leper or had their hand amputated, in which case that would be a showing that the person who was about to attempt to kill you had a dark sense of humor). Often times, it would be followed up by the “I challenge you to a duel!” This was often times said to distinguish from a common 18th century game “Go Slap a Man on the Face with an Empty Glove, I Dare Say”, a game that consisted of simply running up to someone and slapping them with an empty glove. It carried on well into the 20th century, until the time when the idea that disputes could be settled non-violently gained clout.
Before the invention of the duel, humans violently settled disputes in many ways. In the prehistoric era, Og, an early adpoter of duel tradition invented Boulder-assasination, whereby he lay in wait for his opponent, and rolled a massive rock onto the enemy. With the invention of the Catholic Church, assasination fell into disfavor as it was considered a form of murder, and the sinner could only be absolved by blowing a bishop. Assasination was therefore replaced with the massacre, in which two sides, both of which oppose each other, would run at members of the other side and attempt to kill them. However, this often times ended up with deaths in battle being about twice what would be optimal. The duel came into fashion with civilization, and with it, a new concept of violence was created.
Rules of Dueling
As was often the case, a duel meant that two men entered, and one man left and one man was crawling on the ground screaming in pain wondering why someone would shoot him and not be gentlemanly enough to get him medical attention or to at least shoot him again. The common rules of a duel would be that one man would slap the other with a glove and say “I challenge you (or thee, if thou shalt be speaking ye olde englishe) to a duel (or duele, seee notee abovee).” Then, the man who was challenged would either accept, in which he would say “Bring it on bitch (or Bringe ite one bitche)”, or decline in which he would say “I’m sorry, but I’d much rather settle our disputes through non-violent discussions.” If the challenge was accepted, then the men would look at their schedules and see when potential death would suit them best. Often times, this would be at dawn, so that way both parties could request off from work and be well rested. Then the weapons would be chosen. Usually, swords or pistols were chosen, though amongst the insane and the courageous and cat fanciers, kittens tied together like nun chucks were also a common choice. Granted, this often times also meant the needless death of 4 innocent kittens, however, it was also seen as a sign that the winner could masturbate 4 times without guilt of knowing that he caused a kitten to be killed. Many reasons could be provided for dueling. The most popular tended to be an insult to another man’s ‘honor’ (i.e. penis size). Amongst other things would be questioning the virtue of an innocent woman (i.e. calling another man’s mother a whore), theft (i.e. taking another man’s girl friend), political disagreements (i.e. two men fighting for the affection of a girl), or property disputes (i.e. arguments over which man was pimping out the other man's mother, wife, sister, or daughter). Most duels were fought close to the death. The champion could walk away knowing that he won. The loser couldn't walk anymore, and would die in agonizing pain a few minutes later. Granted, there was no bragging rights to never losing a duel. It was pretty obvious that most people did not lose a duel. Much in the way that you can’t brag about winning Russian roulette.
In the modern era, the duel has fallen wayside to the brawl, were disputes are decided violently, but without the intent of killing, simply only bruising and possibly breaking a few bones. The end of the duel signaled the end of the gentleman and the end to glove slappings.