Duct tape
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“Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. Coincidence? I think NOT!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Duct Tape
Duct Tape is the preferred material for Tuxedo construction. Like the force, it has a light side and a dark side. It is said to bind the Universe together, and this, combined with the moral duality of the substance, has made it a coveted object of power and worship among several religions, including the Druids (otherwise known as Jedi). In fact, the Bible states that on the third day, God invented Duct Tape.
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[edit] The Duc(k)t Tape Conspiracy
Duct tape (also known as fuct tape) is, obviously, made of ducks. Only an idiot would say it's not. However, since more than 50% of people polled in a 2005 Gallop Poll, conducted throughout the East Coast of the United States of America and also in Andorra, said that they do not believe Duct tape is made of ducks, one can either say that most people are idiots, or that it might be that Duct tape is not actually made from ducks afterall.
Nobody is completely sure just how the factories make it. Some say that after the cute little duckies hatch they are ground into powder, which is mixed with water and forms a glue. Others say they don't know. Whatever the method, duct tape is made of ducks. They also say that this tape has magical duck powers. This has not yet been proven,until the year x, which incidentally was 2007 , many believe that these magical duck powers posess things such as making you able to fly, and even turn people into duck faced camels.
[edit] Modern Times
In modern times, Duct Tape has gained a cult following, led by a charismatic and enigmatic prophet known as Red Green. "Uncle Red" broadcasts his sermons and lectures from Possum Lodge on CBC or your local PBS channel. Cult followers believe that The Universe As We Know It will end sometime during half-time at Super Bowl LXIX when Duct Tape will lose its adhesive qualities, causing all matter to rust and fall apart. This is because the strong nuclear force, which holds nuclei together, is actually duct tape on a sub-atomic level. New, as-yet-unknown physical laws will thereafter come into effect in the Universe. The acolytes of the cult of Duct Tape are constantly at war with those who worship Gaffer Tape, and Duct Tape/Gaffer Tape battles are now a serious hazard in all major cities in Europe and North America. This caused the passing of laws in all 50 states prohibiting the sale of both types of tapes together at any store. Which in turn brought on the tragic Home Depot/Lowes riots of 2003.
[edit] Scientific tests
The opposite of Duct Tape is WD-40. However, usage of both at once cancels both out. Tests have shown that compared to other tapes, duct tape is the only one that doesn't fix ducts. Additionally, it was found that an object's structural integrity is directly proportional to the amount of Duct Tape incorporated into its design. Experts have concluded: "if you can't fix it with Duct Tape - you aren't using enough Duct Tape".
Diamond is also actually made of super-concentrated duct tape.
[edit] Goat heating
In Norway, Duct Tape is used as a method for super-heating goats to purify them before eating. This method was invented in 50 B.C. by Gnarph Kakrharkar, the most evil demonic overlord that the world had ever seen (or at least that Norway has ever seen), the rest of the world reffers to him as Cthulhu. Incidentally, the aforesaid Gnarph Kakrharkar was also famous for the supernatural feat of single-handedly carving out the Norwegian fjords with his left knee. Duct Tape is also the most essential weapon in the game Doom 3. It is the prime item to constrain n00bs.
[edit] Famous Promoters of Duct Tape
- The great MacGyver
- China
- Earl Hickey
- Don King
- Red Green
- Nico Crider (Worlds Record Placer For Bonding Shit)
[edit] See also:
