Duck

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Dutch duck
According to Misty Wiberg, allegedly a three year old child, "This is a duck. Ducks say beep, and they beep at you. Beep beep, ducks. Beep beep, ducks! Ducks like bread to eat and I do, too."

Ducks, not to be confused with dicks (quackus-flyus) are small domesticated waterfowl which perceptually suffer from "Duck's Disease", also known as SLS (short leg syndrome). Ducks have a medium wingspan of 35 meters in diameter, and are covered in feathers. In the scientific community they are not known as "Ducks" but as "Duck", singular. Another form of Duck is the verb To Duck, which involves holding a live Duck above one's head while you lower your own, thus allowing the Duck to take the bullet when it is fired in one's general direction, or when one's best friend throws a roofing staple gun at one's unprotected face. Duck tape is made of ducks as well, obviously. The game duck duck goose did not orrinatened from ducks but dicks in an od sex game. Duck duck goose is also a celebrated duck mating ritual.

The Creation of Ducks

In the late 1500s, the infamous artist, inventor, scientist and homosexual Leonardo Da Vinci created the duck by selectively crossbreeding certain chickens. He required ducks for his follow up to the infamous painting 'The Mona Lisa' which was to be called 'The Mona Lisa holding a Duck'. At the time no such animal existed, so Da Vinci had to create one using the most advanced genetic engineering technologies. Leonardo went around to all the chicken farms in Italy to find the chickens which most closely resembled the sketch he had done of the bird he saw in his dreams. Then using romantic lute music and a case of the chicken aphrodisiac 'Boing Boing' he had a whole new generation of somewhat duckish chickens. Da Vinci spent the rest of his life creating the duck, and succeeded, but was then ironically savaged to death by the worlds first duck. This was of course all hushed up by the Vatican, who thought it insulting to God that a man could create a life form. Also, duck rhymes with fuck; hence, the popular saying "Go Fuck a Duck!" However, medical experts tend to discourage such activity, as it can lead to and increased tendency to duck at awkward moments and to a decrease in dick size.

NOTE: Ducks are native to Nigeria.

What is a duck?

The duck has been widely accepted by the town of Rickshaw, Wyoming (population 32) as a member of the snake kingdom. The nearby town of Poobah (population 17 bears) has lobbied to make the duck a fungus, but who gives a crap about Poobah? Ducks, of course! Ducks are known by the rest of the world as a device meant to amuse.

32900 448x tragedy-duck
Daily life of ducks.
Ducks are also worshiped by a group of people who refer to themselves as "Evil Furbies". This group goes around the world disposing all type of "fairy floss"* (by eating it or using it to make spaghetti*)Ducks are creatures that communicate with mooing sounds. Many scientists have observed the communication styles of ducks, and have confirmed that ducks says "hi" by saying "mooo" and bye with "moooo".
  • Fairy floss is also known as cotton candy. During conversations, it is referred to as fairy floss because it sounds less dangerous. Fairy floss is a type of drug that makes people become addicted and hyped. In many cases, children after eating fairy floss decided to run around hugging people. Causing them to attract pedophiles. BE AWARE OF THE FAIRY FLOSS
  • Spaghetti is a dish that was used during the second world war as extensions.

Did You Know Dr Darwin First Thought Ducks Could Time Travel But Later He Found Out They Cannot!!!!!. ==The creation of Ducks (simplified)== It all starts when an egg is born. This is a baby duck encased in what you might call a little 'house', also called 'breakfast'. When he or she is hatched and comes out of the 'house', a duckling will emerge. This is another name for a baby duck. After a few months of love, care, and secretly getting fattened with their parents, they are taken away to a frightening place called a 'Farmers Market', where they will be bought and sold to duck tape factories, and we all know where it comes from there. Referring to a song that is one the website YouTube they are related to the llama if one types The llama song into this video search engine you shall find a song and a part of the lyrics says "Llama Llama Llama DUCK!" this highlight that they are meaning the same animal which his not entirely true as we all know Llama can't fly. Or can they?

Rubber Ducks

See also Rubber Duck.

Not to be confused with Applesauce, Rubber Ducks are the main attraction to many a bathtub and the only reason most people enter a bath at least once a month. Rubber ducks are mainly used to simulate a real duck floating on a pond, river or lake, although in a bath you may also encounter foam (see Bubbles). Some common misconceptions caused by this practice are:

  • Most real ducks will not squeak if you squeeze them or sit on them (The Green Headed Sqeak Merganser is an exception).
  • Ducks most likely will not fly up out of the water and carry on swimming if you hold them to the bottom and then let go (Again, the Green Headed Sqeak Merganser is an exception).
  • Rubber ducks are also rumoured to have secret plans for world domination. One person said "I saw the duck in my bath. It was glaring at me with those evil eyes staring, and then it touched me. It said if I told anyone it would kill me, and it said, "You always knew I had this gun, Michael, and I'm not afraid to do it." Then the duck told me that it wanted me to touch little children as I had been touched by it, I was scared. So I became a pedophile" Of course, most people do not believe this bullshit- after all, Michael Jackson said it! We now have the chance to interview a duckay personally. 'Duck, do you deny world domination plans?' -'I sure don't, our cows are ready to take over the world!' 'What are your plans for the world domination?' -'really easy, first we take over the swimming pool in London, and multiply for lets say...5 years.' 'than if we have enough eggs to take back our pool which was taken over by terrorists/ tourists all the same, we betrayed the cows and give them the poisoned break those terrorists re giving us all the time to kill us ducks!' ' and well the rest of the world will fear us ducks and we will finally be able to quack again, and poo on peoples head!

Uses of Ducks

Ducks have many uses in the average household. Here is a short list:

  • Duck Tape
  • Food ( See Duck and Cover)
  • Hairbrushes
  • Tennisballs
  • Cat/Dog Toys
  • Things to Poke when your bored
  • Quill Pen Dispenser
  • Secret sex toy
  • Tampons
  • Entertaining poor people
  • WMDz!

Pate

Pate comes from France. Ducks are the sole ingredient of all kinds of pate; to develop a fine pate, a live duck must be forcefully inserted into a blender very slowly. The resulting sound is both hilarious and horrifying, but enhances the taste.

Unique Features

As members of the Aves class are known to be composed of a volatile mixture of helium and hydrogen, depending on their species, ducks, chickens, ostriches, and most other flightless birds or waterfowl diverge from the common bodily composition observed in their class and have adapted entirely different chemical compositions which better facilitate their survival. Ducks, though they originated in Renaissance Italy, are scattered throughout the world in a mind-boggling array of cuteness. The duck diaspora is concentrated in the Americas, and it is believed ducks were involuntarily transported across the world by slave traders who, for all their inhumanity, could not resist the ducks' bow-ties. The American duck community is thriving and vibrant, with most members retaining their native tongue, Duck (language), customs, and religious holidays.Also ducks are the only birds to have dicks.

Controversy

The oft-asked question "What is the difference between a duck?" seems to have no simple answer, as ducks are indistinguishable from themselves, let alone each other. Progress on a related dilemma, "This sentence no verb." offered many promising new leads, but was halted temporarily during the Great War, as none of the answers were duck-related.

Duckattackoldmen
They killed Albert Einstein.
Stemming from this dilemma, the forward march of scientific progress called into question one of common sense's most sacred observances: that ducks as well as other waterfowl, are made entirely of wood. This should seem obvious to the layman biologist, given that ducks have poor flying skills, as would a thrown stick, yet possess incredible buoyancy. Evolutionists, Creationists, and people who find Monty Python to be juvenile, boring, and generally bereft of humor have made duck composition a point of contention in the public sphere. Atheist and Apythonist celebrities such as Richard Dawkins and Ann Coulter have come out in favor of supporting the theory of "animalian origin for ducks," which, despite so-called "proof" provided by alleged "experts" remains unconvincing to the American public at large, who dismiss the claim as "just a theory" and maintain that ducks are floating decorations, not living organisms.

Ducks Mentioned on Talk Radio

“It's sad that ducks have more morals then most people.”
~ Talk Radio on homosexuality
“What's to be sad about? I think it's excellent that ducks have morals!”
~ Oscar Wilde on inner happiness

Many People's Views On Ducks

Abeproof
We need not explain, but they did it to Abraham Lincoln as well. It could be you next!

Many people think ducks are evil, devious creatures that lurk in the night looking for prey. Those who think this are right. Wanna know who (or what?) killed Abraham Lincoln? We need not explain.

Other Unique Features

Ducks were the national mammal of former Serbo-Croatia and have been known to frequent ponds. Their diet consists solely of bread, cheetos and beer cans given to them by sympathetic humans. Ducks live primarily in urban habitats, unlike other waterfowl, and enjoy swimming in the mildly toxic runoff generated by rain flowing from parking lots, into gutters, and finally, to the urban ponds where ducks make their homes. Ducks are proficient at constructing sidewalks around their habitat, which is an invitation for humans to feed them. Despite these seemingly advanced adaptations, ducks are primarily helpless, and if touched go into comas,so obviously are often beaten to death or run over by passing juggalos and automobiles. It is interesting to note then in the State of Texas, throwing a duck at someone counts as Assault with a Deadly Weapon.

Endangered Species Classification

Ducks, though critically endangered, are not classified as such by The United States Government, due to their overwhelming cuteness. The cause of their dwindling numbers is caused by a "lemming-like" fondness for jet engines and by being "Damn tasty". It is widely believed that creatures as helpless and ridiculous as ducks are too cute to ever become extinct, despite the circumstances. And, due to the ducks' peculiar anatomy, the government will likely be able to clone them using spare lumber, should they ever become extinct.

The Greater Duck

Although most of this world's ducks are ugly and most likely retarded, there exists a rare species of mallard, found only in the forgotten land of 2275, N. Wabash Street. They have been seen by only one man, a brave and accomplished suburban explorer, not including an entire neighborhood of white collar workers, who were soon crushed to death any way. We don't know how much is legend and how much is fact. All we know is that the Greater Duck exists... Plus we have photographic evidence. Judging by this picture, the Greater Duck is about twenty millimeters tall, his majestic wings are host to a multitude of coca cola advertisements, his fearsome beak, dripping with the blood of innocent bushes! After he crushed twenty homes in two hours, still avoiding the eyes of most of the American population, the Government decided to "Spread Democracy," to the hellish beasts face. However, all the army was not when they couldn't find the monster. Even the most advanced radar of today couldn't find this elusive creature. Nothing is for certain anymore. We don't when and where the creature can strike, or even if he exists. No baby can sleep safe knowing that the next day, it might just be devoured. Lucky for us, Geico now has Greater duck insurance.

The Hell Duck

Although it hasn't been seen by reliable sources in approximately three thousand years (unreliable sources claim a sighting three seconds ago)the Hell Duck was documented by over one medieval scientists who were later expelled from the Catholic Church for heresy and canonized in the Church of Seigfrid Van Bob Rostochovarius for having really goofy and outdated names. When he first caught sight of the monster, the scientist in question supposedly "screamed like a child, dived into a river, fell unconscious and in his sleep, tore out his eyes and drew up future plans for the electric toothbrush." Later, when he regained sanity, he told us the horrors of a small, yellow, seemingly harmless and cute little duckling... but it had Red Eyes! Oh, the horrors! He writes in his book " I could tell from the moment I saw the eyes of ember that this avian was no friend of God! It had red eyes for Christ's sake, red eyes!" No one today could possibly imagine the terrible and awe-striking image of the fiendish fowl to draw an illustration. Perhaps if I am bored enough in seventh period science, the world shall know just how evil this creature can be...

Duck of Doom

The duck of doom found in dungeons. You should never pick this up. If you pick up a duck in a dungeon you loose 2 levels.

True Glory of the Duck

Since the birth of our modern age, have Ducks thrived on the feats of mankind...Rising to great success through the exploits of our knowledge!

~Karl Marx (although this quote has been revealed as uncanny in its similarity to the writings of Ghangis Khan)


Such writings as these (from Karl Marx's "Animal of Opportunity") have dominated mankind's view of Ducks since before known history. It is commonly thought that Ducks are mindless creatures which throughout history have shown little to no ingenuity. However recent evidence has shown that this may just be a perpetuation of anti-duckism, a form of prejudice against Ducks that dates back as far as 2000 B.C. New anthropologic and duckopologic evidence has shown that in many cases, history has been altered; painting a bleak and colourless picture of Duck history...In fact many of mankind’s greatest accomplishments were actually the conquests of duckkind. The first written form law, as we know to be Hammurabi's code of laws, is now thought to have been written by a Duck known as Quackurabi II. Early scholars were thought to have altered this account of history under the belief that "a duck could never have accomplished such feats". They were believed to have changed Quackurabi to Hammurabi, assuming that the original was a typo.


Many other historical accounts/figures are thought to have been changed in a similar manner, including:

  • Quackamesh (now Gilgamesh)
  • Quackustus (the first emperor of Rome, now known to be Augustus)
  • King Quackamon (now known as King Solomon)
  • Quackmer (now known as Narmer the first documented historical figure. Theories also show Namer and Menes to be the same person(although we now know he was no person, but a duck!)

Ducks in history

The ducks started the World War XXXX also nowned as The Fourth World War X. But they got crushed. Eventualy.

See also

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