Duck

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“ Why??”
~ Oscar Wilde, upon being told to duck
“ Ducks are similar to witches in the sense that they both float.”
~ The average English villager, circa 900 A.D.
Dutch duck
According to Misty Wiberg, allegedly a three year old child, "This is a duck. Ducks say beep, and they beep at you. Beep beep, ducks. Beep beep, ducks! Ducks like bread to eat and I do, too."

A Duck (Quackus Flyus) is a small domesticated waterfowl that chronically suffers from "Duck's Disease", also known as TLS (Tiny Leg Syndrome). Ducks have an average wingspan of 35,000 meters in diameter, are covered in feathers of colors blue, red, and really gay yellow, and are really, really stupid. The term "Duck" is a portmanteau of the words "dick" and "fuck." Naturally, this gives them a huge penis and great skills in bed. In the scientific community they are not known as "Ducks" but as "Duck," singular. Another form of Duck is the verb To Duck, which involves holding a live Duck above one's head while you lower your own, thus allowing the Duck to take the bullet when it is fired in one's general direction, or when one's best friend throws a roofing staple gun at one's unprotected face. Duck tape is made of ducks as well, obviously. However, PETA is currently trying to get the creators of duck tape to use synthetic duck. The game duck duck goose did not originate from ducks but dicks in an odd sex game. Duck duck goose is also a celebrated (celebrated like Christmas, or New Years, or the day you lose your innocence) duck mating ritual.

The duck billed plats are sucking on michael jordans lats and are going to get some tats and have sex on wrestling mats in the summer and get licked on their bummers and jack off to dumb and dumbers

Car duck
This is a rare type of duck, called "Quackus Drivus".

The Creation of Ducks

In the late 1100s, the infamous artist, inventor, scientist, alcoholic, excessive gambler, homosexual, child rapist, and crack addict Leonardo Da Vinci created the duck by selectively crossbreeding certain chickens with rabbits (rabbits are really just backwards ducks). He required ducks for his follow up to the famous painting 'The Mona Lisa' which was to be called 'The Mona Lisa holding a Duck'. At the time no such bird existed, so Da Vinci had to create one point five billion using the most advanced genetic engineering technologies. Leonardo went around to all the chicken farms in Italy to find the chickens which most closely resembled the sketch he had done of the bird he saw in his drug induced hallucinations. Then using romantic lute music and a case of the chicken aphrodisiac 'Boing Boing' he had a whole new generation of somewhat duckish chickens. Da Vinci spent the rest of his life creating the duck, and succeeded, but was then ironically savaged to death by the worlds first duck. This was of course all hushed up by the Vatican, who thought it insulting to God that a man could create a life form. Also, duck rhymes with fuck; hence, the popular saying "Go Fuck a Duck!" However, medical experts tend to discourage such activity, as it can lead to and increased tendency to duck at awkward moments and to a decrease in dick size.

NOTE: Ducks are native to Nigeria and all countries that rhyme with it. Also ducks love it in the mouth

Another theory on the origin of the term Duck

The term Duck has also been speculated to originate at a time during one duck hunting season many years ago. Ducks were originally known as Quacks, the season was originally known to be called quack hunting season.

The legend goes that one quack spotted a hunter taking aim at another quack, and for some inexplicable reason it immediately shouted out to it "DUCK!", prompting the other to quickly duck it's head under the water causing the hunter to miss his target, thus causing the bullet to fly through where it's head should've been, right across the pond straight into the chest of a passing doctor who was recently sacked for telling a patient who believed he was a pair of curtains to "pull himself together", he was killed instantly.

News of this extraordinary event had soon quickly spread across quack ponds worldwide. Naturally within 5 years the quack population exploded, not literally as in the exploding penguin syndrome, but literally as in they multiplied increasing the population.

News had also traveled fast within quack hunting communities; and since then both Duck and Quack both became a double term.

Quacks were eventually newly referred to as ducks hence the revised term "Duck Hunting Season", and also a new phrase for any species ducking out of the way of something. At the same time, unprofessional doctors were then newly defined as quacks, it is naturally also the ridiculous sound which a duck makes.

What is a duck?

The duck is a flightless bird that regularly swims south for the winter. The duck may cross land from ponds to rivers as to gain access to the sea. It is widely known that ducks can't fly unless in a helicopter or other forms of air transportation. ducks can however attempt to fly regularly but like chickens only hover short distances.

The duck has been widely accepted by the town of Rickshaw, Wyoming (population 31) as a member of the snake kingdom. The nearby town of Poobah (population 243 ducks) has lobbied to make the duck a fungus, but who gives a crap about Poobah? Ducks, of course! Ducks are known by the rest of the world as a device meant to amuse.

The creation of Ducks (simplified)

It all starts when an egg is born. This is a baby duck encased in what you might call a little 'house', also called 'breakfast'. When he or she is hatched and comes out of the 'house', a duckling will emerge. This is another name for a baby duck. After a few months of love, care, and secretly getting fattened with their parents, they are taken away to a frightening place called a 'Farmers Market', where they will be bought and sold to duck tape factories, and we all know where it comes from there. Besides intoxicated workers Referring to a song that is on the website YouTube they are related to the llama if one types The llama song into this video search engine you shall find a song and a part of the lyrics says "Llama Llama Llama DUCK!" this highlight that they are meaning the same animal which is not entirely true as we all know Llama can't fly. Or can they?

Rubber Ducks

See also Rubber Duck.

Not to be confused with Applesauce, Rubber Ducks are the main attraction to many a bathtub (and or a bedroom) and the only reason most people enter a bath (or a bed) at least once a month. Rubber ducks are mainly used to simulate a real duck floating on a pond, river or lake, although in a bath you may also encounter foam (see Bubbles). Some common misconceptions caused by this practice are:

  • Most real ducks will not squeak (or bite and chew ravenously while simultaneously producing horrendous ear-splitting screeches and barking noises) if you squeeze them or sit on them (The Quackus Squeakus is an exception).
  • Ducks most likely will not fly up out of the water and carry on swimming if you hold them to the bottom and then let go (Quackus Floatus is an exception).
  • Rubber ducks are also rumored to have secret plans for world domination. One person said "I saw the duck in my bath. It was glaring at me with those evil eyes staring, and then it touched me. It said if I told anyone it would kill me, and it said, "You always knew I had this gun, Michael, and I'm not afraid to do it." Then the duck told me that it wanted me to touch little children as I had been touched by it, I was scared. So I became a pedophile" Of course, most people do not believe this bullshit- after all, Michael Jackson said it! We now have the chance to interview a ducky personally. 'Duck, do you deny world domination plans?' -'I sure don't, our cows are ready to take over the world!' 'What are your plans for the world domination?' -'really easy, first we take over the swimming pool in London, and multiply for lets say...5 years.' 'than if we have enough eggs to take back our pool which was taken over by terrorists/tourists all the same, we betrayed the cows and give them the poisoned break those terrorists are giving us all the time to kill us ducks!' ' and well the rest of the world will fear us ducks and we will finally be able to quack again, and poo on peoples head!

Ducks can be very violent sometimes and can kill. DUCKS WILL MESS YOU UP AND GET YOU DRUNK AND STEAL YOUR CREDIT CARD AN BUY A HOUSE ...DON'T TRUST THEM !!! Sometimes ducks will ask you for grapes while your running a lemonade stand, then you'll take him to the store to get grapes and hell ask for lemonade.

Pate

Pate comes from France. Ducks are the sole ingredient of all kinds of pate; to develop a fine pate, a live duck must be forcefully inserted into a blender very slowly. The resulting sound is both hilarious and horrifying, but enhances the taste. While making Pate, be aware of other ducks coming and attacking you for your inhumane treatment of Ducks. They will then rip you apart and be disappointed in your lack of penis size. Cultural shifts in France now mean that many young French people are too bone idle to liquidize ducks as their parents would traditionally have done, though given the chance they will often slap one about a bit.

Unique Features

As members of the Aves class are known to be composed of a volatile mixture of helium and hydrogen, depending on their species, ducks, chickens, ostriches, and most other flightless birds or waterfowl diverge from the common bodily composition observed in their class and have adapted entirely different chemical compositions which better facilitate their survival. Ducks, though they originated in Renaissance Italy, are scattered throughout the world in a mind-boggling array of cuteness. The duck diaspora is concentrated in the Americas, and it is believed ducks were involuntarily transported across the world by slave traders who, for all their inhumanity, could not resist the ducks' bow-ties. The American duck community is thriving and vibrant, with most members retaining their native tongue, Duck (language), customs, and religious holidays.Also ducks are the only birds to have dicks.

Controversy

The oft-asked question "What is the difference between a duck?" seems to have no simple answer, as ducks are indistinguishable from themselves, let alone each other. Progress on a related dilemma, "This sentence no verb." offered many promising new leads, but was halted temporarily during the Great War, as none of the answers were duck-related.

Duckattackoldmen
They killed Albert Einstein. Wait, that's a goose. Also, that's Konrad Lorenz.
Stemming from this dilemma, the forward march of scientific progress called into question one of common sense's most sacred observances: that ducks as well as other waterfowl, are made entirely of wood. This should seem obvious to the layman biologist, given that ducks have poor flying skills, as would a thrown stick, yet possess incredible buoyancy. Evolutionists, Creationists, scientists, rasists, rapists, executionists, and people who find Monty Python to be juvenile, boring, and generally bereft of humor have made duck composition a point of contention in the public sphere. Atheist and Apythonist celebrities such as Richard Dawkins and Ann Coulter have come out in favor of supporting the theory of "animalian origin for ducks," which, despite so-called "proof" provided by alleged "experts" remains unconvincing to the American public at large, who dismiss the claim as "just a theory" and maintain that ducks are floating decorations, not living organisms.

Duck Rape

Duck Rape has become a major problem in communities around the world, and resistance to this abomination has begun online:

Poor Raped Ducks

Stopping Duck Rape

Some try to rationalize this behavior by claiming that this is just the way they reproduce, or that the female ducks were "asking for it" by strutting around shaking those tail feathers all sexy and such. Others point to the fact that the evidence shows that ducks aren't too concerned with whether their victim is male or female, dead or alive. So there. A mallard duck was caught on film repeatedly raping a male duck that had crashed into a window and died in broad daylight for over an hour. Sick, sick, sick. Ducks are so obviously evil minions of Satan.

Ducks Mentioned on Talk Radio

“It's sad that ducks have more morals then most people.”
~ Talk Radio on homosexuality
“What's to be sad about? I think it's excellent that ducks have morals!”
~ Oscar Wilde on inner happiness

Many People's Views On Ducks

Abeproof
We need not explain, but they did it to Abraham Lincoln as well. It could be you next!

Many people think ducks are evil, devious creatures that lurk in the night looking for prey. Those who think this are right. Wanna know who (or what?) killed Abraham Lincoln? We need not explain.

Many Duck's Views On People

As a duck, I find the common stereotypes about ducks formed by humans to be offensive and incorrect. We ducks are a proud race of birds. When they think of ducks, they only think of mindless bread-eaters who just "quack" and poop everywhere. This is not true! We don't even quack! We speak our own language known to the ducks as Mallardspeak, but the untrained ears of humans cannot comprehend the advance linguistic structure of Mallardspeak. By the way, do you happen to have a bread crumbs you could spare for an old chap like myself? I am quite ravenous from all my swimming.

Other Unique Features

Ducks were the national mammal of former Serbo-Croatia and have been known to frequent ponds. Their diet consists solely of bread, cheetos and beer cans given to them by sympathetic humans. Ducks live primarily in urban habitats, unlike other waterfowl, and enjoy swimming in the mildly toxic runoff generated by rain flowing from parking lots, into gutters, and finally, to the urban ponds where ducks make their homes. Ducks are proficient at constructing sidewalks around their habitat, which is an invitation for humans to feed them. Despite these seemingly advanced adaptations, ducks are primarily helpless, and if touched go into comas,so obviously are often beaten to death or run over by passing juggalos and automobiles. It is interesting to note then in the State of Texas, throwing a duck at someone counts as Assault with a Deadly Weapon.

Endangered Species Classification

Ducks, though critically endangered, are not classified as such by The United States Government, due to their overwhelming cuteness. The cause of their dwindling numbers is caused by a "lemming-like" fondness for jet engines and by being "Damn tasty". It is widely believed that creatures as helpless and ridiculous as ducks are too cute to ever become extinct, despite the circumstances. And, due to the ducks' peculiar anatomy, the government will likely be able to clone them using spare lumber, should they ever become extinct.

The Greater Duck

Although most of this world's ducks are ugly and most likely retarded, there exists a rare species of mallard, found only in the forgotten land of 2275, N. Wabash Street. They have been seen by only one man, a brave and accomplished suburban explorer, not including an entire neighborhood of white collar workers, who were soon crushed to death any way. We don't know how much is legend and how much is fact. All we know is that the Greater Duck exists... Plus we have photographic evidence. Judging by this picture, the Greater Duck is about fifty-five feet tall, his majestic wings are host to a multitude of coca cola advertisements, his fearsome beak, dripping with the blood of innocent homosexuals looking for a quit place that they can screw each other in the worst possible way and talk with funny accents. After he crushed twenty homes in two hours, still avoiding the eyes of most of the American population, the Government decided to "Spread Democracy," to the hellish beasts face. However, all the army was not enough when they couldn't find the monster. Even the most advanced radar of today couldn't find this elusive creature. Nothing is for certain anymore. We don't when and where the creature can strike, or even if he exists. No gay baby whale can sleep safe knowing that the next day, it might just be devoured. Lucky for us, Geico now has Greater duck insurance.

The Duck of Cornwall

The Duck of Cornwall is a unique creature of Britain. Slightly older than your nan, this creature is quite often photographed atop a horse (camilla) and is known for its tweed plumage and distinct call "Naff awff". Its main habitat is polo fields and swanky dos, although it has been seen slumming it in Gloucestershire and the north coast of Norfolk. Its migration pattern is enough to give you a headache, and while flightless is able to get around quite nicely in a private jet (lost), private yacht (sold), and land rover (nicked). About the only place it avoids is Cornwall where it frankly wouldn't be seen dead. Sometimes called Prince Charles to confuse its prey (mainly photographers), it is best not to approach this dangerous creature. Also, just like The Greater Duck, and all other Ducks, the Duck of Cornwall hates gay people and is continuously hunting them down with a variety of weapons including but not limited to

  • Squirrel grenade
  • Chainsaw gun
  • Anti-faggot missile

Misha Duck

A mechanical toy duck which makes strange whirring noises. After escaping from a farm in Hertfordshire they have shown up in various locations. This has been described in a number of wildlife videos on YouTube.

The Hell Duck

Although it hasn't been seen by reliable sources in approximately three thousand years (unreliable sources claim a sighting three seconds ago)the Hell Duck was documented by over one medieval scientists who were later expelled from the Catholic Church for heresy and canonized in the Church of Seigfrid Van Bob Rostochovarius for having really goofy and outdated names. When he first caught sight of the monster, the scientist in question supposedly "screamed like a child, dived into a river, fell unconscious and in his sleep, tore out his eyes and drew up future plans for the electric toothbrush." Later, when he regained sanity, he told us the horrors of a small, yellow, seemingly harmless and cute little duckling... but it had Red Eyes! Oh, the horrors! He writes in his book " I could tell from the moment I saw the eyes of ember that this avian was no friend of God! It had red eyes for Christ's sake, red eyes!" No one today could possibly imagine the terrible and awe-striking image of the fiendish fowl to draw an illustration. Perhaps if I am bored enough in seventh period science, the world shall know just how evil this creature can be...

See also

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