Drunken English

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“It's like... oh, man. What's that one thing? You know, the one with the flash, and the blue... um... Fuck it. Anyway, it, like, rocks, man!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Drunken English
“I'm proud to call this my native tongue! Suck it, sobriety! Woohoo!”
~ George W. Bush on Drunken English
“Zelda, fetch me another gin fizz, you incorrigible harlot I love you!”
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald on Drunken English

edit What was that Movie?

Keanu

That one dude

Hey, another round? Awesome. So anyways, I'm sitting with my friend Randy, and we're just chillin' out, you know, when he opens the door. And... oh, man. What's his name. He was in that one movie... with Keanu Reeves and... um... Schwartzy? Schetzy? Shay... Shayze! Patrick Shayze! Whazzat? Oh, right. Swayze, whatever. Anyways, this guy was in that one movie... He was, um... You know, I can't... I can't remember, but. Yeah. So, um, we saw him and we opened the door. Man, this is pissing me off. He was in that other movie. You know, the one with Mel Gibson. Everyone's always saying he's crazy. What the hell's his name? Man! I dunno. Something with a car. So, um... yeah. I have no idea what the fuck we were just talking about.

edit The Story of my Life

So, yeah, dude. Anyways, he's busted inside, and is yelling his head off about the thing... the... the thing. Right. So, I'm like, dude, what's going on? And he starts saying that we're in his apartment. I mean, he must be on crack or something, you know? So, he's yelling, I'm yelling, Randy's yelling, and then, I'm like, "is there a draft in here?" You know. So... Wait. Something else happened. I can remember it. Hold on. Fuck it, I need to take a piss. I'll be back...

So, where was I? Oh, right. Anyways, Randy and I go back a while, man. We were in high school together. Can I get another pitcher over here? Thanks, hon. You know, you're really too attractive to be a waitress here. You should like, go into modeling or something. I bet What? No, I'm not. You're flirting. you're... alright. Whatever. I bet Kate's fine with it. Anyways, I've known Randy since high school. We were there for a while, and then college. But that's besides the point. So, we used to be a lot tighter before Kate got into the picture. Usually I just hang out with her now. You know. I don't... um... you know, mind it. I just don't... You're a good listener, you know that? No, really. Really. Really. reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally. Really. You're like my best friend. And I mean it. Totally. Everyone's always fucking talking about some unimportant shit, but you just listen, You know? I don't even know why you don't have a girlfriend. Let's go out and get you some tail, man. That's all you need. Girls should be all over you... What? No, I didn't forget you're married... it just sorta slipped out of my mind. Whatever. Dude, I'm so fucking smashed. You better take my keys.

edit How To Improve the World

So, yeah, man. It's all about the governments, man. Every government has it's own... um... problems and shit. So we take the governments, and smash 'em all into one giant government, you know? And that'll solve this thing. I mean, the United Nations? Woodrow Whatshisfuck had it right, dude. That's the way to solve our problems. Kofi Annan, man. That dude could be our next World President... President of the World. How would you like that job, dude? That'd be fuckin' sweet! Well, you know we'd have more to worry about than just that. Because, there's like, massive worldwide inflation and shit, and that would mess us up bigtime if we were gonna form this massive World-Country thingy. So, you know what we should do? You... you know what? You know... You know what we should do? Huh? You know? We should take, um, all the people and put them together, you know? Some huddle of people, and then we go back to... to bartering. Yeah! That's awesome. Are... are you writing this down? Someone should write this down. I always... I always come up with the best ideas and I never write them down. And then I forget them, you know? Well, not this time. Somebody hand me a pen! And a pencil! And that one thing... paper! Yeah! This is gonna kick ass!

edit My Life Sucks

Kate never talks to me any more, you know? I mean, she talks to me, but she doesn't talk to me, you know? I just wish she would talk to me. It's getting ridiculous. Not only that, but you know my cousin, Ryan? Yeah, well he gets his fucking PhD from Georgetown or some shit, and suddenly, my parents are treating him better than me, as if he's their fucking son. Of course, they always did treat me like crap, so maybe it's nothing new. Anyways, I'm just fucking sick of it all. I went to college, and you don't see me... um... bragging about the fucking research grant I received. What? So what? I could get a research grant if I wanted to. You don't believe me? No? Well, just wait. I'll talk to Mark in the morning. That guy could hook me up. Maybe I'll go to Cambodia. Yeah, well I can always quit my fucking job and become a professor, can't I? What? Well, I can always go back and get a fucking Doctorate. Just wait... I'm gonna... I'm gonna do it. Just wait. You'll see. I'm gonna do it.

edit I'm Going to Call Kate

Shh... Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh! it's... it's ringing. Hello? Hello, Kate? Yeah, it's Josh. You never... listen. You know? But I love you. it's okay. I... love... you! I love you. Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. Mmhm. Yeah? Alright, awesome! (She says, she loves me too!) Alright. I'll see you at home. What? I am not drunk! Well, okay, maybe a little. Um, no. I've got Mike here to drive me home. (You can do that, right? I'll owe you one.) Okay. No, you hang up! You hang up. you... you hang up. You... hello? Oh. She hung up a while ago. My bad.

edit So, How You Been?

So, What's up with your life, man? How's the wife? Oh? Good. When are you two gonna have kids. C'mon! How awesome would that be. I could be, like, Uncle Josh, or something. Oh, maybe you'll have twins! That's genetic right? You're not a twin. Is your wife a twin? If she had a twin, I'd totally tap that. Just sayin', man, just sayin'. Or, like, Siamese Twins! Dude. You could like, sell them to a circus and be famous, or something. You could call them like, Adam One and Adam Two. You think yuo'd ever get confused, and like, switch their names? Wait... how would a school deal with Siamese twins? Like, do they send home two separate report cards if their brain is linked? Or, like, how would they punish one of them, without punishing the other. Man. I wish I had Siamese Twins! That would kick ass. Maybe I should marry Kate, and then, like... um... like roll her around in toxic waste or some shit. Maybe then I'd have like a superhero baby. That would be fuckin' sweet!

edit Um... Yeah, I... Um...

Dude... I... fuck. Dude, let's... you know? Let's get out and do shit, you know? Man, I fuckin' love yuo, no lie. It's awesome. This is awesome. We should... we should... yeah. You know, I should get the bathroom, and maybe fnd cards, you know. I like cards. We could build a card fort and invite, like, the president... I dunno, man. Work in progress. Work in progress. Ah, fuck it. We should definitely, yeah, um do this sometime... again. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Dude. I miss Kate, I like, miss her, like, like a dog, you know. Ah, you don't know. I wanna get some fucking... um... fucking sandwich. Yeah. What? Alright, we can go. Can you um... pick up the, um, like, tab? Thanks, man. So uh........ Hey! Is that a gunny thingy? you don't have the something to kill m...

Blood Spatter

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