Drunk driving

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Seen here, a typical drunk driver irresponsibly drives into a plane.

Drunk Driving was first popularised by the Irish as a substitution to wife beating. In the 1800's the practice of getting trashed and beating your wife was falling into disuse because people were dying of starvation and turning into zombies. It was during this time the Old Imperial Bastards assclown were exporting most grain from Eire to elsewhere in the filthy commonwealth of teabaggery.

Since its inception the sport has evolved and is considered one of the few major working-class sports, next to Eiffel towering and canoeing. During this time the sport has gained wide-spread support amongst middle-class white trash and famous people.

It is to be noted, however, that when Drunk Driving in Soviet Russia, DRINK drives YOU.

[edit] Rules

First, find a suitable bottle of Jack Daniels or other corn mash whiskey. Consume the entire bottle, preferably on an empty stomach. Next, Find the nearest school bus unloading area or highly crowded pedestian walk way. This is the race track.

The game has some major scoring vectors:

• Escape from the opposing team (law enforcement). They attempt to ticket or "jail" you while playing this action packed sport. The longer you can evade capture, the more points you earn.
• In the event of capture, bonus points can be earned based on blood alcohol content. Drinking while actually driving, thereby increasing your BAC during competition, doubles your score.
• Score is increased via style points. These are earned by causing the lunches of spectators to shoot out their backsides; hence the nickname "brown trouser" points. Every season, high-scorers are awarded the coveted Bronze Pants trophies (typically whilst in prison).
• High-speed crashes and resulting explosions prematurely end the game, but are fun to watch or hang-out at afterwards.

[edit] Scoring

Two-time champion Billy Brewer demonstrates his scoring prowess

• Breaking the speed limit driving through a McDonald's drive-thru: 10 points
• Breaking the speed limit driving through a McDonald's walk-up: 100 points
• Breaking the speed limit driving through Ramsay MacDonald: 278 points and a toaster oven
• Flipping off other motorists: 1 point
• Flipping off police officers: 10 points
• Flipping off school buses full of nuns: 30 points
• Mooning while driving: 50 points
• Urinating while driving: 75 points (double if you are female and manage to not end up with wet pants)
• Urinating on a nun while driving: 105 points
• Urinating on a nun giving fellatio to a police officer while driving: Automatic qualification for the playoffs, plus a gift certificate for $150 on lovely Spam products
• Sex while driving: 50 points
• Sex with a family relation while driving: 150 points

Two-time champion Billy Brewer demonstrates his other scoring prowess

• Having a gun while driving: 1/2 point
• Blowing out someone elses tire: 10 points
• Blowing out someone else completely: 300 points and Upgrade to Pimp status
• Eating a cookie while driving: another free cookie

[edit] Penalties

A competitor sadly misinformed as to his choice of conveyance. Fun time: Spot the drunk one!

As with most major sporting leagues, the ILDDB (International League of Drunk Driving Bastards) has enacted its own set of behavior that has been deemed as "naughty". This enables non-professionals to point at overpaid wanks, laugh, and feel better about themselves. This exciting sport is no exception, so here is a very rough list of penalties one can expect to see in competition events:

• Drinking a "lite" beer whilst driving: -20 points
• Driving backwards in the passing lane: -40 points (but add ten style points)
• Using a cell phone to order more liquor while driving drunk: -15 points
• Drunk driving on livestock: -55 points and a good talking-to
• Nun baiting: Must eat tweleve IHOP waffles
• Debating philosophical teachings while speeding through a university campus: Ten minutes in the spanking machine
• Urinating on a passing limo: 17 minutes spit-shining Donald Trump's hair. (Exceptions are made if the limo is one of those SUV-style ones, in which case Donald Trump licks YOUR head. Whether or not that's a penalty, it makes for quality television.)
• Entering rehab: Automatic ass-kicking
• Using teams of dogs to herd religious apostates into pens (also known as monk driving): All the other competitors aim for you. Smartass.
• Failing to shoot out someones tires: Crashing into a pole and having the pole fall ontop of you automaticly ending the game along with you (requires a gun)

[edit] Famous Quotes

Johnny Billy Bob Dreisdale, ranked 8th in the Cooterville Amatuer League.

• "This is soo much fun!" - Any particular Premiership footballer you care to mention. Except Wayne Rooney, of course. He usually crashes into a shop front before he can say anything. But I digress...
• "Who needs F1 when there's Drunk Driving?" - Noel Edmonds
• "Cor, whut I forget? Oh, the flippin' girl! Where are my pants?" - Ted Kennedy (as told to Denis Leary).
• "Bleaaaaaarrrgh! Now I know how Europe felt..." - Genghis Kahn
• "Hell, I've gone blind! I...wait, just had my head stuck in the glove box. Is it my round?" - Keith Richards
• "Nah, there ain't no rocks around here! Yer goin' too damn slow! Move over and let me drive! Pussy." - Joseph Hazelwood

[edit] Famous Drunk Drivers

• Ghandi
• Tim "Tool-Man" Taylor
• Uncle Chester
• Ted "Bridge? What bridge?" Kennedy
• Michael Jordan
• George "Dubya" Bush

Martha Rae Jeannie Rae Rae Raynelle Rae, reacting to her second-place finish in last year's Zima Cup

• Mother Teresa
• Tony the Tiger
• Eddie O'Sullivan
• Myron Cope
• Sean Halpin
• John E Miller From Ble Spar
• Stephen Hawking

C R I M E S

Arson · Assassination · Baby farming · Baby-snatching · Battery · Bestiality · Blarging · Burglary · Cannibalism · Cat Juggling · Child abuse · Child porn · Clown rape · Conspiracy · Copyright infringement · Cow arson · Cow tipping · Cyber Terrorism · Deicide · Dog Fighting · Drunk driving · Extreme Sarcasm · Gambling · Genocide · Grand Theft Auto · Hacking into a Computer · Hatespeech · Heresy · Home Invasion · Homosexuality · Human sacrifice · Illegal Immigration · Incest · Kleptomania · Littering · Looting · Lynching · Masturbation · Murder · Pedophilia · Piracy · Pornography · Rape · Rioting · Robbery · Shoplifting · Smoking · Sodomy · Stalking · Stealing · Suicide · Suspicious Eyeball Movements · Terrorism · Tittyfuck rape · Trafficking · Treason · Vandalism · Video Piracy · Weed · Witchcraft

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