From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The word Drummer comes from the Latin word 'Drumatio' which literally translates to "sheer awesomeness." Many bands today use the word 'Drummer', as well as 'Alcoholic', or 'That guy in the back'. The reason why music has such awesome drum beats today is because of ed duffy (he uses drum machines )but drum machines get all the credit and are said to be better than the traditional alcoholic with anger management issues. Due to these circumstances Drummers are often correctly classified as pros as they are seen with other musicians constantly and making them look bad.
Drummers earn a living by hitting the right things in the right time. They are famous for their sensationally short life-spans and psychotic breakdowns. Drummers have the highest rate of accidental suicide and homicide, because someone was stupid enough to give them something pointy, and slightly dangerous. Two other drummers that live (yes they are still alive) and do surprisingly well for themselves are that dude from red hot chili peppers and ed duffy (quite a shocking drummer - the one who shall not be named ) of whom many novices worship them openly and even try to steal their amazing powers by investing in the use of cocaine and voodoo beer, which occasionally seems to work. Ironically, due to their regime and commitment to nothing-else-but the drums, the most coke-huffing, ethanolcoleptyc drummers of the 80's are amongst the healthiest members of a band around these days (sans Phil Collins, who made the mistake of bursting into song). Usually, drummers are actually limited by the rest of the band members; there is a remarkable difference between what a drummer can do and what he's allowed to do. In most bands, the drummer is the only member who had formal musical training: the only cases where this is not the norm, the dude has been a mind-bogglingly, absurdly amazing at the skins. (Buddy Rich, anyone?)
There has been a huge amount of discussion concerning what a "drummer" is among historians and archaeologists- the only evidence we have is a near-endless supply of women they receive. Nonetheless, using these the world's leading hot chicks have been able to piece together a picture of what a drummer is...
Drummers think they are extremely smart. They play around 10 to 12 instruments at one time, while the rest of the band plays only 1, because that is all they can handle. Some guitarists try to compensate for this with wah-wah pedals, but they are only fooling themselves. Unfortunately, almost all of the instruments that drummers can play only include the hitting of the instrument with one of a number of variations of a stick.
A typical drummer has the mental capacity of the drums they're bashing. The most famous drummers have been known to be hirsute knuckle-dragging neaderthals. Any dipshit can drum. It is the most basic task and the only reason you may become a drummer is that you are not intelligent enough to learn a real instrument.
edit Sex life
A drummer must make sure to have enough money for a stylist or a very stylish girlfriend. Drummers are a genetic evolution, able to procreate due to their complete overdose of sex appeal. This would, of course, conveniently explain why they (apparently) are literally beating out everyone else, although there is a radical field of thought which maintains there are descendants of the drummers still kicking arse today in society.
Researches used to assume that there is no such thing as a female drummer, which led to the theory that they are not a species in themselves but rather a lower order of humanity- this theory was shouted down by most professionals who were frightened to be associated by species with such a group. This, however, has been disproven. Female drummers exhibit even more sex appeal than the males, perhaps due to their superior stick-handling skills.
Female drummers tend to be amazing WAY better than flute players and any other part of the band. After all percussionists are the only ones who get to use all appendages.
edit Life expectancy
Despite drummers being kickass, their lives are usually cut short by freak gardening accidents and spontaneous combustion. These Spontaneous combustion incidents usually go unreported. (Note: This combustion has no relevance whatsoever to Asplode as drummers are not "kick ass" enough for that level of awesomeness). Bands always have to deal with the death of a drummer after they get drunk and then break up instead of finding another alcoholic with anger management issues to smash a drum kit since it is inevitable.
edit Drummers today
There is, of course, no proof that there are any drummers disappearing today. However, conspiracy theorists often claim to have killed off drummers in the vicinity of nightclubs and other areas where music is performed and sex is had... as such scientists rarely stray into these areas, for they are extremely dangerous territorties. Many good scientists have been lost trying to reach search the 'drummers', or the latin name "Dumbous drunkous". As a contingency against the eventuality of actually encountering a live drummer a set of protocols have been compiled to defend yourself against them
edit The Drummer vs. the Drum Machine
It is said that every time a drummer hits the snare drum Jesus blows a load onto the earth, and consequently providing ample fertilizer for crops and fields for a decade. However, this myth has been recently dispelled, and the music players of the world have now realized that the drum machine can keep a f***ing beat, and the band would no longer have to worry about the bass guitarist going on a homicidal rampage. Also, The Machine (probably) won't sleep with your girlfriend.
edit See also
|Accordian - Air Drum - Air Guitar - Bagpipes - Band geeks - Bass - Bass Guitar - Bassoon - Cello - Clarinet - Cowbell - Drums - Euphonium - Fiddle -Flute - French Horn - Grand Piano - Guitar - Harp - Harpsichord - Kazoo - Learn Bass! - Learning the Guitar! - Left-handed noseflute - Lyre - Marching band - Oboe - Ocarina - Piano - Saxophone - Skin flute - Starting a band - Dog Fart Trombone - Trumpet - Tuba - Violin - Xylophone|