From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit The Druid
Druids were believed to be users of Magick involving nature, and believed to have constructed Stone Henge with an ancient set of Lincoln Logs, obviously made of stone, hence STONE Henge and not WOOD Henge to the over analytical. No one is aware, to this day, exactly who the Druids were or what exactly they were doing. Yeah!
These conceptions are Farce, the Druid's had nothing to do with Magic or the Arcane, they were in fact a group of homosexual artists. The name Druid is derived from the words Drew-It. They prided themselves on the fact that if it existed, then they have drawn it.
Due to this artistic goal they were considered Hermits or Nomads for the fact that they traveled a lot to find new things to draw. Their hair and beards were always long and their robes tattered due to a complete lack in personal grooming and hygiene. When asked why they didn't take better care of them selves the only answer they would give is "I don't have time with all the drawing I have to do, and if I don't report back with some new and incredible artwork then I will not get my Blessing in the way of a good Spanking."
One of the more famous Druids known as Draanidall, was world famous on the things he found in the world to draw that no one else could come close to. Like his own personal forest, pictured below. It was later learned that he just had a vivid imagination and made up everything that he had documented, due to this recourse all the history books for the years between 301 AD to 746 AD had to be stricken from the record since he had been the primary artist for those years.
There are modern day druids. Dr. Thomas Daffern is a good example; he believes he is over 7000 years old and can often be found dancing round Stonehenge stark bollock naked singing "Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead." He taught in a secondary school in Poole, UK where he completely fucked up the pupils' education until he was fired for being a goon.
edit The Celtic Druid
The Celtic Druid, Dryad for short are the other form of Druid. Though they have not been around as long as the original Druid the impact that they have made on earth is huge.
There are a few rules to becoming a Dryad, first you have to be old, and second you have to be a virgin. The Dryads believe that man is a curse laid upon mother nature, and reproduction of this curse should be outlawed. So in their belief it is the mother earth that chooses whether or not a new human (partially anyway) child should be allowed to be born.
The male Dryad must insert his genitalia into a knotted hole in a tree and pollinate the tree with his human life source. Then mother earth will decide whether or not it is worthy of bearing an offspring, and the tree will lower a new baby child, who in turn immediately eats his father, for two reasons; one so that there is not an added effect to the curse, keeping the number of people always balanced, and second by eating the body of an ancestor the Dryads believe that all the knowledge derived will be transferred.
If mother Earth doesn't find the male Dryad to be worthy of bearing her children then the hole in the tree that he is fornicating with will become overly infested with bee's. After which the first sting will cause the males gland to swell to a point that he may not remove it from the hole and is destined to be stung until the mother earth decided he has been tortured enough.
The new children are not entirely human and one day will outnumber the real humans, and eventually destroy them all. Thus removing the curse from mother earth.
The life of a Dryad is not one to be taken lightly, only the most devout, or biggest losers in life may attain to become one due to the fact that you must be a really old virgin to be accepted. Some of our most famous Dryads today include Bill Gates, Gary Coleman, and Hillary Clinton.
The life expectations of a Dryad may seem bleak, only being able to have sex with a tree that may sprout bee's to torture your manhood, or in the slim chance you are found worthy and get to finish the job you get eaten by your own baby. However, there are benefits. For example, you get a sweet animal companion, and you can teach it more tricks than a usual animal. Also, you develop the Trackless Stride feat, and learn the secret language, Druish.