Drogheda

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Drogheda
aka Shelbyville
Drogheda-crest
Drogheda Crest
Williamiii-450
Willy o' Orange statue in Drogheda
GENERAL INFORMATION
anthem 'Why Can't I Be You'- The Cure
dialing code 04 Fuck's Sake
currency lies, regret
GEOGRAPHY
country Ireland
DEMOGRAPHICS
languages / dialects Surrender
GOVERNMENT
mayor Phil Babb
HISTORY
established For convicts from Dublin
Page Not Found Did you mean:dundalk
~ Discover Ireland on Drogheda

Drogheda (from the Gaelic droichead átha meaning "birthplace of the fairy") is an industrial disaster and port town in County Louth on the east coast of Ireland. It is the chief rival town to Dundalk in Louth; hence the nickname 'Shelbyville'. The historic river Boyne suffers through Drogheda, dividing the town's population between the deviants and the cretins. The river is famous for the Battle Of The Boyne, when Willy o' Orange chased the inhabitants on horseback, throwing vitamin-C-enriched oranges at the scurvy lovers.

In recent years Drogheda's economy has diversified from its traditional industries, with an increasing number of people employed in the Sex and Drug industries. The town also has a community of independent artists and musicians who have been busking on the local streets for years rather than looking for employment.

Within legally-defined guidelines from NASA, Drogheda is officially the largest man-made eyesore visible from outer space. The Irish believe this hideous sight is one reason that aliens have not made contact with Earth.

Recent History

Drogheda recovered from the recession by the first of February, 2011, and forgot to tell the rest of the country, leading to the war between Drogheda and "the Others". Led by the local warlord Frank Godfrey and his loyal commander, Sir Patrick Elvis McCabe, Drogheda has held up well so far under siege from a horde of barbarians from the nearby city of Duleek. Frank and Patrick are currently holed up in Millmount, and are promising never to surrender until Drogheda is reinstated as the capital of Ireland and Dundalk is razed to the ground. Supporters of Frank and Paddy are quoted as saying that they will fight to the last man, and then some.

Education

Education in Drogheda consists of lessons in forming orderly queues inside and outside government buildings, reactive birth control, and dealing with inferiority complexes.

Sport

Drogheda has a football team which plays at Honky Dory's Park, a stadium with room for 2000, seats for only 400, and enough beer for 20,000. It won the league once, and the fans celebrated like the league had never been won before then. Every shit attracts flies eventually. Bar brawls started by football fans throughout the town generally attract more participants than the actual game.

Drogheda also has a thriving Mixed Martial Arts, wrestling, sword-fighting and boxing scene which can be observed every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night in the town center between the hours of 18:00 and 5:00. Spectators are advised to arrive late or early (doesn't matter which), and to bring needles and sutures for sewing up their own wounds.

Other local sports include timing each other on how many shop fronts can be smashed in 10 minutes, and chasing anyone wearing designer clothes, suits or jewelery. Another growing sport involves setting buildings on fire while inside them, and then timing each other on who can escape the fastest; tripping up and blocking other participants is encouraged.

People

Many of the local celebrities can brag of such accomplishments as severe mental illness, drug problems, and crippling alcoholism. Some worthy examples:

  • Gary Kelly, an ex Irish soccer player, is one of the foremost experts on entering other people's houses while they aren't there.
  • Paddy "Elvis" McCabe, a professional dancer, Elvis impersonator and Lothario, has been involved in numerous assaults and two separate stalking cases. He can usually be seen with at least one can of beer in each hand, and, rather surprisingly, has been banned from every bar, shop, pub, club and roller-skating venue in and outside town. He is usually docile when sober, which is for fifteen minutes every third Sunday, and usually by accident.
  • "Gearhead" Graham Fox, who collects money from the elderly, is a happy-go-lucky man who is notorious for his bright smile, his delightfully odd habits of dancing and talking to himself, and for the very large knives which he keeps about his person.

Industry

  • Honey and crisps manufacturing
  • Cement
  • Perfume
  • Linen
  • Metal manufacturing
  • Pseudonyms
  • Violence
  • Harbouring fugitives
  • Bomb-making
  • Robbing banks

Culture

Art

Drogheda's principle art form is polluting the river Boyne by any means necessary and watching how the colour changes. They've achieved a rich palette of colours thus far: luminous green, dark brown, bright yellow, pink, black, a very nice colour known as "shopping-trolley", and blood red.

Drogheda also has a world-class appreciation for graffiti, and encourages artists to cover every inch of every wall and public building in the town, as a way to save on upkeep costs. The annual Graffiti Festival has local artists invite outside artists to paint every surface of Drogheda's buses, trucks, taxis and trains, which serve as mobile graffiti-art galleries.

Music

The traditional marching band music scene in Drogheda is only second to Portadown in Norn Iron.

Rape

Droghedans like to participate regularly in a variety of raping. Granny and Dundalkians are the most popular victims.

Cuisine

Droghedans eat their young, like the Titans of Ancient Greece. They think this gives them extra strength and virility through absorption.

Language

The Drogheda dialect is hard to decipher due to the denseness of the local accent. In 2002, a poll was conducted to find the most unbearably annoying sounds on the planet, and the top five results were as follows:

  1. Cats being run through a boat screw
  2. A sidewalk being cut up with a jackhammer
  3. Fingernails on a chalkboard
  4. Cats mating
  5. The Drogheda accent

Droghedans were appropriately disappointed by their distant fifth-place finish, and have resolved to "do better" (or, rather, worse) for the next survey. The five residents who don't already smoke cigarettes plan to take it up; those who already do plan to up their intake slightly to five packs a day; and any undamaged vowels and consonants remaining at large are hunted down and cut to bits in the streets.

See also

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