Driving

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“In Soviet Russia, car drives YOU!!”
~ Yakov Smirnoff on driving

“I just ripped a hectic burnout bro, sick mate!”
~ Oscar Wilde on driving

“Crop It, chop it, chrome it up”
~ WOG on Driving
“Horn Please OK!”
~ Typical driving in India on Driving
“Come on pussy ! Let's race ! ”
~ Typical American/Latin teenager when meeting a Lamborghini/Ferrari while driving
“If this car were a woman I would have sex with it... in fact I'll have sex with it anyway.”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on A Typical Day
“Shup foo, lemme drive!”
~ A white man impersonating a black man and doing a rather bad job of it at that on driving

Driving is the ancient practice of getting a car from one point to another. The primary objective of driving is to do as much damage as possible to property, other cars, and pedestrians (particularly children; these are a priority).

Driving Technique

So you want to be a good driver? Well, here's how to be the best, and safest, driver you can be.

Before you drive

Burnout

Regular exercises such as this will increase the life of your tyres by up to 400%.

It is important to ensure both you and your car are correctly prepared for driving before you drive.

  • Make sure you are a man and that your eyes are round.
  • Ensure that loose bumpers and damaged parts are properly secured with duct tape.
  • Out of courtesy, make sure the 3 people you have tied up and stuffed in the trunk can breathe.
  • Seatbelts are a suffocation hazard. Do not use these in any event.
  • Child booster seats are a waste of money. Don't be a chump, put your kids in the trunk.
  • Check your tires to ensure they don't have any of that nasty 'tread'. Tread reduces speed and HP and must be eliminated at all costs.
  • Drivers with L or P plates are the most experienced drivers on the road. To get one of these plates you MUST beet one of these L-unatic or P-rofessional in a high speed race.
  • If you're horny,be sure to masturbate first before driving.

Racing

"me go fast than you"-racing is born Racing will frequently be required of you as a driver. The drag race, aka 'traffic light Grand Prix' is a fine art, and must be perfected over many years of experience. To initiate a drag race, rev your car's engine to the redline while sitting at the traffic lights. If the guy in the lane next to you responds by revving his engine, glaring angrily at you, or ignoring you completely, he has accepted your challenge to race. Hold your car's engine at redline, and the instant the lights turn green, release the clutch pedal as quickly as possible (if you don't have a clutch pedal then you are driving an automatic and are a woman). The resultant wheelspin will give you a 300 factor initiation vector, and increase your awesomeness by up to 500%.

If the opposing driver somehow makes it to the speed limit before you (probably by cheating), don't worry, simply floor it and overtake them at 20km/h over the limit whilst flipping them off. You will then be considered the winner.

  • Remember to pass Traffic lights as fast as possible to get extra time.

Cops love a good race, more than beating their wives. Cops usually initiate the race at the flash of their lights. Be careful though because cops love to cheat just as much. They will do what they can to slow you down. They will get one of their fat buddies to throw spikes in your way to take out your tires. If you're coming out as a winner in the race, they will ram you off the road. In their eyes and bad haircuts, everyone is a loser.

Parking

Poolcar

Correct parking technique.

When parking, it is essential that you bring the car to a stop in the correct position. Cars are typically parked in carparks, on the side of the road, in garages, or on top of pets/small children. Follow these guidelines while parking your vehicle.

  • The white lines are a guide. Use them. You must park so that you are centered over a single line. Ignore the other cars that are parked between the lines, they are not properly versed on correct parking technique.
  • If you sideswipe a parked vehicle, don't worry. Just drive off. Other drivers take the long scratches down the side of their car as a compliment, and will be overjoyed.
  • If you stall the car whilst correcting your shitty park job, and people start pointing, its time to gun the engine, peel out of the carpark and look for parking elsewhere after gunning down the onlookers in the vicinity, Grand Theft Auto style.
  • Please remember when visiting other countries, like Japan, you do not need to drive on the opposite side of the road - the lane you are currently in now gives you boost.

Enemies on the road

Speed-limit

Speed limit is more of a suggestion, really.

Your foes on the road are numerous and diverse. You must be aware of your enemy at all times, and know the correct action to take when an enemy is encountered.

  • "Law enforcement". These guys have been out to ruin your fun since that speeding fine in '94. No speed is too fast to escape these fools.
  • Grues will run you off the road in the black of the night and eat you.
  • Lines in the road.
  • Adam Sandler. 'Nuff said.
  • Emma. More than 'Nuff said.
  • Road signs. Always do the opposite of what they suggest.
  • Big Babara's SUV. She is the typical American driver that loves the inner lane and will unknowingly push you off the road if she gets a chance.

DriNking adn drIevnG Mxi Wlel

How to drive like an Indonesian

  • Always honk,even when the driver don't do anything wrong.Always honk during green light.Honk when the car in-front of you was giving a signal light,honk when you want to overtake,honk when you saw someone riding a bicycle,honk when you see a pedestrian walking,honk when the driver in-front of you is slowing down because of speed-bumps.Honk when you meet your friend.Honk when you're jealous of a better car in-front of you.Honk when you're waiting for someone to park the car.Honk back when someone honked at you.Honk if you're inpatient.
  • If you're bored with honking,try blinking the headlights.
  • Never give another driver a chance,always be superior,show no mercy.
  • Always tailgate,especially at traffic jams and uphills.
  • Always overtake at tight roads.
  • Always act like you're owning a Ferrari or Rolls Royce.
  • When you see a modern sedan or a modern MPV with sliding door or a 2 door sportscar,stare at the driver's face,and then stare at the passenger's face.It's their habit.Sneak in the interior if you're driving a motorcycle.
  • Use shoulder lane when it's not emergency.
  • Always seems to be in a hurry/busy although you're not.
  • Skip the red lights if there's no cops.
  • Drive on the sidewalks if there's a traffic jam (for motorcycles)
  • Park at the middle of the road when the parking lot is full.
  • When you want to drop/pick up someone,stop in the middle of the road.
  • Litter around.
  • Rev the engine if you're a police or a high rank soldier,people will be afraid of you.
  • Make your face look serious/hatred/mad.
  • Run away when you crashed someone/cattle,just be sure that the traffic is clear enough and you drive a common car.
  • Make the license plate more blur,so when you're running away,it's hard for them to read the license plate.
  • Always take the fastest lane even when you're too going slow,besides,everyone wants to be fast.
  • If you're driving a motorcycle,always go for mopeds or scooters,they're very handy for overtaking and carrying up to 3 people.

See Also

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