Driver's License

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Poolcar

An example of how not to get a driver's license.

A Driver's License is an official legal document that states that a person may operate a motorized vehicle, such as a motorcycle, a car, a bus, or a vibrator. In some jurisdictions, individuals are given driver's licenses after passing examinations called driver's tests, while in other jurisdictions they are given driver's licenses after failing (why this is is still unsure). The difficulty of the driver's test depends on how many fees for retakes the bureau of motor vehicles thinks it needs during that particular month. The average driver's license contains the name and age of the recipient, as well as a blurry and embarrassing looking photograph.

History

France and Germany were the first countries to ever require driver licensing. They began selling driver's licenses roughly 40 years before the invention of the first car. Why they did this was uncertain, but most driver's licenses of the period said something along these lines: "Let it be known that this person has legally obtained the right to drive an automobile, if they live long enough to afford one." (a message which began reappearing on the average driver's license in early 2000, when automobile prices began rising again). However, most religions saw the significance of driver licenses long before this time, as seen in the article Driver's License in the World Religions.

Organ Donations

An organ donation is when potentially functional organs are removed from a dead person and either (A) surgically implanted into a living person for medical purposes, (B) surgically implanted into a living person for practical joke purposes, or (C) used in juggling acts. Upon receiving a driver's license, the recipient fills out several "yes or no" questions, one being: "Would you like to be an organ donor?" If the person checks off "yes," they give the government the right to remove their organs should they die. If the person checks off "no," the person behind the counter at the local bureau of motor vehicles will shake their head at them in a disappointed way, and they will consequently feel guilty and change their answer to "yes." The "Would you like to be an organ donor?" question should not be confused with the "Would you like to be throttled during the night by a large, hairy assassin?" question, a mistake that has led to several unfortunate deaths.

Driver's Education

Driver's Education is the process that young people undergo before applying for a driver's license. Driver's Education usually consists of students gathering in a classroom of varying size and watching movies, most of them excessively staged tales of the horrors of forgetting to turn your low beams off, or tales of evil bottles of beer coming to life and massacring large amounts of innocent people.

After taking driver's education for roughly 9 weeks, a student is given a written exam with questions such as this:

What do you do at a stop sign?
 
124
 
220
 

The poll was created at 21:37 on October 23, 2007, and so far 344 people voted.

After completing the written exam, the student is given a "Learner's Permit," which gives the student the right to drive, but only if a parent is in the car with him or her, preferably either in the shotgun seat, or in the student's lap. The student is required to practice driving for a total of 80 hours, 40 of them during the day, 20 during the night, and 20 during adverse weather conditions (preferably hurricanes or tornadoes, though earthquakes are also acceptable). A student either practices with his father, who falls asleep and snores loudly the entire time (sometimes drooling in a charming, fatherly way), or practices with his mother, who screams and braces herself for an impact every time the student does anything (i.e. itching his nose, turning the car on, blinking).

The driver's test (country specific)

How the driver's license is acquired varies greatly from country to country. Different methods are outlined below.

America

In the United States, the minimum driving age varies from state to state, varying from 5 years (Kansas) to 47 years (Alaska). The minimum driving age is typically decided by a very complicated deliberation process known as "randomly picking a number between one and 50." In order to get a license, a potential taker of the test pays a 5-dollar fee, then goes to the driving test facility, where they pay several more fees, and then enter the car, where they are asked to pay another fee.

Then, the test begins. The requirements of the American driver's test are fairly strict. At each turn, before moving, the student is required to look in their mirror, look over their shoulder in case they missed a car in their blind spot, look over their other shoulder to check for stains on the back of their seat, climb out of the car and stand on the roof with a telescope to check for oncoming asteroids, climb underneath the car to make sure the motor is working, and walk across the road to the nearest public library to check the satellite weather forecast and ensure that no deadly hailstorms are approaching. When driving across a railroad track, students are required to step out of the car, and run straight along the track for between 8 and 9 miles each way, to ensure that no trains are coming. Also, before crossing the track, they must run to a local electronics store, buy a metal detector, run back, and scan the ground under the tracks, to ensure that no hidden land mines or other perils are lurking there. If a student fails (which happens roughly 99% of the time), they are charged several more fees, then a date is set for them to return to the testing building, where they will pay another fee.

Australia

In Australia, students are placed in a car with a driving instructor and several glasses of vodka. The test has two parts. In the first part, students choose between drinking the vodka or drinking a glass of apple juice. Then, they are given a choice between driving into a safe parking space, or driving off a large cliff into a lake of boiling lava. If they pass both of these exams, they are given a driver's license.

China

In China, a student usually goes to the government and is put on a 9-year waiting list. At the end of this 9-year waiting period, they receive a note saying, "We are sorry, but your request was lost." Most Chinese citizens opt for a simpler method: photocopying a cousin's driver's license, changing the photo slightly, then scribbling out their cousin's name and adding their own, usually in crayon.

Africa

There are only two cars in the entire continent of Africa, and neither of them work. However, many Africans are given what's called a "pretend driver's license," in which they sit in one of the two cars and yell "VRRROOOM!!! VRROOOOM!" If they do it loud enough, they are given a rock with "License" written on it, which earns them the right to drive any broken down car they might happen to come across.

After Acquiring a driver's license

After acquiring a driver's license, a person is expected to staple it to their forehead, so it can be displayed with ease wherever they go. They are also expected to renew it randomly at least 9 times over the course of their life, each time getting a new, equally embarrassing picture taken, and each time paying several more fees.

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