Dress

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 14:49, October 10, 2010 by PomPomPom (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
“How can a woman draw men to herself, no matter how ugly she is?”
~ Wear a lockup dress

A dress is one of a few types of garments with a few uses.

edit Lockup dress

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for BDSM?
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Fetish?
Dress1

This is the way a dress looks with a waistline and armholes that are drawn together by a zipper or buttons in back so it cannot be removed easily by the wearer. The wearer is therefore locked in the dress.

A lockup dress is one with a zipper and/or buttons in the back. It is made in order to lock the wearer in the garment so she cannot take it off herself, and made as uncomfortable as possible in order to cause pain.

Meanwhile, it is made to look and act attractive and appealing to men. A lockup dress can make a woman attractive when she otherwise would not be. Upon the sight of a woman in a lockup dress, a man becomes infatuated and desires at the very least a conversation with that woman all day, and hopefully, physical contact, a long, tight hug, and ultimately sex, followed by a night of sleep with his arms wrapped around her and vice versa, all while wearing the dress.

edit Lockup levels

There are different levels of confinement in lockup dresses. One is minimal lockup. With a single button or short zipper, the wearer can remove it herself as long as she is not handicapped. For the wimps.

edit Zipperback dresses

A zipperback dress is one with a zipper all or most of the way down. The zipper's bottom is several inches below the waist of the dress, and it must be zipped all the way down in order to get the waist off the wearer. Above the waist, the zipper, when closed, holds the armholes together so the dress cannot be removed unless it is zipped below this level and down to the waist. This helps lock the dress on the wearer.

One might think that a full neck-to-below-waist dress would provide the maximum confinement from the zipper. Ironically, zippers shorter than this do. The best place for a zipper to stop at the top and provide the most confinement is in the center of the back at sternum level. This is the hardest place to reach, and many women cannot reach this at all.

There are two more ways in which stronger confinement can be provided on a zipperback dress. One is with an invisible zipper. Invisible zippers have appeared since the late 1990s on dresses, and they helped breathe new life into an industry of zipperback dresses that had been dying down. Invisible zippers are not totally invisible. You can tell one is there by by the shiny metallic lustre of the zipper that distinguishes it from a common seam, and by a teeny little raindrop-shaped pull tab that has no hole. This handily foils cheaters who could otherwise knot a string through the hole in the tab and then pull it over her shoulder to zip herself up or down.

The other way more confinement can be provided on a zipperback dress is with a hook-and-eye fastener. These tiny fasteners hook together, thereby making it so the dress cannot be unzipped by the wearer by pulling it apart herself, a common method of escape. Often disregarded by women who are strong enough to dress themselves, these are a good way to prevent self undressing, especially when in the middle of the back.

edit Buttonback dresses

Buttonback dresses were big before the invention of the zipper. But what matters most is the number of buttons the dress has in the back, how much they cover, and the direction of the buttonholes.

Full buttonback dresses are the true maximum confinement. The term "maximum lockup" is applied to them. Some of them are nearly impossible for the wearer to button or unbutton herself. The act of reaching in the center of the back to operate a button is next to impossible. This makes them unpopular among adults, though little girls' dresses like this are not uncommon. The last full buttonback dresses for adult women seen regularly were in the 1990s.

Many dresses exist with a single button in back. When it comes to imprisonment into a dress, these are for wimps.

edit Jumpers

Many (but not all) jumper dresses have back zippers or buttons. In fact, most jumper dresses made for adults don't have any back closures. But what we are talking about here are those that do. These are better for lockup purposes because they function to lock not one but two garments, even if the other one has no back closure at all. They also lock the blouse worn underneath them on the wearer.

When worn with certain types of blouses that cause some discomfort to wear, these can actually lead to the most sexual arousal in men, especially when the wearer has little or no capability of taking it off herself.

One method is to wear a tight-necked turtleneck with a jumper that has a back zipper or buttons. The neck of the turtleneck becomes very uncomfortable after a long time. But it becomes difficult or impossible to remove because the jumper keeps the wearer confined. The best thing is to wear a tight-necked turtleneck with a buttonback jumper.

The other is a blouse in which the top button is fastened. This is worn together with a zipperback jumper that covers this top button. It becomes difficult to unfasten.

A zipperback or buttonback jumper can really be worn with anything underneath, but these are really the best.

edit Back closures on other garments

Many dresses have zippers or buttons in back. Other clothes for women do too. In the absence of a lockup dress, a man can seek a similar thrill from a woman wearing one or more of the following garments:

edit Blouse with back buttons

Many blouses in the past had one or more buttons in back. These are less common now, but if a woman were to remove it herself, she would have to reach in back. And many women couldn't so they were locked in.

edit Turtleneck or sweater with back zipper

Even today, it is not uncommon to find a turtleneck or a sweater with a back zipper. These may or may not need to be unzipped to get the sweater on or off. Unfortunately for you young men, these are mostly worn by old ladies.

edit Skirt with back zipper

Indeed, many skirts are made with back zippers. Skirts for all occasions, for work, evenings, weekends, etc. Jean skirts. Miniskirts. Long skirts. Everything you name it. Almost any skirt can have a zipper in back, possibly paired with a button or a hook-and-eye closure. Unfortunately, though, a skirt, no matter what it has in back, is no confinement to a woman at all. It can easily be rotated allowing the zipper to be in front for easy on-off.

edit So how do I dress now?

“What is the best way for a woman to dress?”
~ Read this below

Now that you have read the above, if you are a woman, you should have a bible on how to dress. This is figurative. Yes, if you are religious, you can keep on practicing your religion as you always did. If you are not, you do not have to become religious suddenly. The bottom line is, it is now time to treat this as a religious belief.

It is now time to rid your wardrobe of any clothes that do not have a zipper or buttons in the back. The exceptions are: underpants, leggings, tights, and blouses you can wear underneath a jumper dress with a back zipper or buttons.

The options you have for how to dress are as follows:

  • A plain zipperback or buttonback dress (nothing else needed). In the summer, this is easy, since many sundresses have back zippers.
  • A zipperback or buttonback jumper with anything underneath
  • A blouse, turtleneck, or sweater with a zipper or one or more buttons in back, paired with a skirt or pants that also zip in the back.

As with any of these, make sure that it is necessary for these to be open to remove the garment, or else you are cheating. Some zippers and buttons are there for nothing more than show.

edit Schlumpy dress

“What was I thinking when I bought this dress?”
~ What was I thinking when I wore it that first time?
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for pajamas?
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for homelessness?

A schlumpy dress is a dress that does not have a zipper or buttons in back. It is usually machine-washable, but even if it is not, you will end up machine-washing it one day. The absence of the zipper or buttons in the back makes the dress easy to put on and take off, and makes it handy for the laziest moments of your life. Schlumpy dresses actally have a short life of looking really presentable, even sometimes for a date or job interview. After being worn once or twice as such, they will regress into the expendible role. The owner, when describing her time wearing the dress for such nicer occasions, will say "what was I thinking." Still, this will not stop her from buying and wearing more schlumpy dresses in the near future.

The name "schlumpy" for these dresses comes from German. Schlumpy is a German word that means run-down or worn-out looking, and is often applied to clothes.

Most owners of schlumpy dresses will wear each one a number of times. The first and perhaps the second time will be to look really nice and to impress someone. It could be work, a party, a get-together with a relative or friend who cares how you look, or even meeting someone for the first time. The third and fourth times will be for something a little more casual, but something for which you don't want to wear your torn jeans either. Each time you wear the schlumpy dress beyond that, you really do not care how you look.

Uses for a schlumpy dress typically include:

  • Taking a nap
  • Cleaning the house
  • Wearing to the pool or beach, and pulling off when you get there and putting back on when you leave for the ride home
  • Sitting on the front porch and making oneself think she is presentable to passersby, all while really dressing down
  • Going to the flea market, where more schlumpy dresses are for sale
  • Getting the mail or the newspaper
  • Acting like an old lady

edit Jennifer Lopez dress

A Jennifer Lopez dress is a men's bathrobe. It is the only type of dress actually worn by men, but women sometimes wear them too. It is named as such because of what it reveals so easily. The dress is fastened very delicately in front at waist-level, and the openings vertically either above or below can expose almost anything if the wrong move is made.

These dresses are named after Jennifer Lopez, who is known to wear dresses like that at notable events.

edit See also


Dress1
   v  d  e
Things to hide your ugly body with that you think make you look pretty

Armor | Bikini | Black Tights | Bow tie | Bra | Clip-on tie | Clogs | Corset | Disguise | Dress | Flip-Flops | Glasses | Gloves | Goggles | Golf clothing | Halloween Costumes | Hats | Hood | Kilt | Knickers | Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress | Pajamas | Panties | Pants | Polo shirt | Shoes | Skirt | Socks | Speedos | Thong | Towel | Underwear | Viking Metal | Zoot suit

Personal tools
projects