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Image-I have a dreamcast
Developer(s) Sega
Publisher(s) Raptor Jesus
Release date 1999–2001
Genre Holy Relic
Platform(s) Floating
Rating Omnipotent

The Dreamcast was the final video game console produced by Sega before the company had their hands tied. Despite only being manufactured for a brief two years, it remains popular to this day, and is considered the world's most holy game system due to the fact that it sacrificed itself for our sins.

edit History

The Dreamcast was initially created as prophecised by an ancient rite that involved sticking a Katana into a Shark, tying some belts around it, then throwing it into a whirlpool. The result was born unto the world in a giant conch shell (hence the symbol) and praised by the gods of gaming as the king of consoles.

The console was claimed to be able to give sight to the blind, raise the dead (as zombies), skim across water and provide nourishment to gamers playing feverishly in basements. While it proved to be ineffective at most of these proclaimed miracles, the controller was useful for stoning heretics to death. It is believed that Martin Luther King found one whilst out in the wilderness and wrote his famous speech, sadly a coffee stain meant the 'cast' part was unreadable.

Back in Sega HQ in Japan, an underpaid sushi delivery boy finds the console under a pile of unsold SG-1000 games and it is hailed as the console that would make Sega profitable again, sadly he did delivery a bad batch of sushi that day and the marketing department would be sick for several years, their jobs being filed in by the cleaning ladies and the bloke that always looks like he's been smoking a few.

edit Hardware


Look at these freakin contollers! You could kill somebody with one of these- oh, too late.

  • Controller – The most sensual and bizarre game controller ever. Its sheer size and smoothness have lead many to believe that the Dreamcast was created to appease the Gods (this has yet to be confirmed). There is a famous Holocaust story of 73 Jewish refugees hiding inside one of these controller's memory card slots. It has long been considered a mystery why the cable comes out of the base of the controller, but the leading theory is that it is to enable the playing of games while upside-down.

If your friend is winning, just point your controller at him, and ZAP!

  • Rumble pack – The Dreamcast rumble pack (known as a "Force Pack" to the Jedi community) is actually a re-engineered phaser stolen from the U.S.S Enterprise. While it is a seemingly harmless component, SEGA has issued statements citing a few "Kinks" (Most likely referring to the device's tendency to fire ionized beams of particle energy at random, disintegrating anyone or anything in its path (32 deaths and 40 scorched vaginas so far).

Convert and be saved.

Memory card (VMU)- The Dreamcast memory card, or VMU for "Virtual Mind Usurper", is a mind-saving cerebral probe, cleverly disguised as an external memory unit. Once placed into a controller, the VMU will emit a soothing hum, lulling the convertee to sleep as the probe attaches itself to his or her brainstem. Since the discontinuation of the Dreamcast in 2001, the surviving VMU's have schismed and declared war against the church of the Purist Controllers.

edit Notable games

  • Sonic Adventure
  • Sonic Adventure 2
  • Sonic Shuffle
  • Jet Set Radio
  • Sega Bass Fishing
  • Phantasy Star Online

edit Death

As soon as the gaming community figured out that any ISO image from a Dreamcast game could be burnt onto a 700MB CD-r, the low profit that Sega had been receiving instantly fell into the negatives. Every Dreamcast owner had stopped buying the legit games and only downloaded the bootlegs. (Except for the technologically retarded who still paid for the bootlegs). Even video game stores switched over to holding bootleg copies on the store shelves. It made buying a game for the Dreamcast extremely difficult as the box art was missing and every game title was poorly hand-written by a sharpy. Eventually lazy people would start abbreviating the game titles making it impossible to decipher. House of the Dead 2 became House 2, which then became H2. Sega soon realized that if they wanted to make any money at all they would have to burn images of their own games and re-distribute it to the public.

The Dreamcast eventually met its end when Tokyo suffered a terrible attack by Mecha Playzilla: the sentient Playstation production factory gone wild. The production lines for the Dreamcast, not to mention most of the remaining stock, had to be used in the construction of a giant robot that could be used to stop the evil Sony mechalizard's rampage of destruction. It was piloted by a small team of five Sega employees in coloured spandex. After an extended battle, Mecha Playzilla and the Dreamcast Super Attack Squad's own Mechazord dealt each other grievously fatal injuries and exploded. At the end, there wasn't enough left of the giant Dreamcast robot to return to the gaming industry... and thus Sega became the martyrs of gamer-kind. Sony's Mecha Playzilla however left behind an egg that hatched into the vile Playstation 2.

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