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The science of Dragonology has often been frowned upon by the scientific community, as they seem to consider Dragons to be about as made up as a skinny Santa and the Loch Ness Monster, which every self-respecting researcher here at Uncyclopedia knows is as real as the Bungo nivensis, better known as Yeti, since the four legged wingless Draco montana has to have large enough prey to sustain itself in the Tibetan mountains of the Himalayas. Yet it is one of the oldest, and definitely better researched sciences. Due to the majority of normal people believing that there is no such thing as dragons, dragonologists have organised themselves into secret societies such as the Freemasons, Mensa the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, Wicca and the Parents Against Dungeons and Dragons, which has proven to be one of the more successful fronts for this operation.
Dragonology - A History in Brief
Middle Ages - The Golden Era of
Virgin Sacrifice Dragonology
In these days, technology such as photography and the invention of telezoom lenses by paparazzi has enabled the dragonologist community to get never before seen footage of dragons in their natural habitat, and since the 1960's a baffling number of six cases of survived dragon photographers per a hundred dead since the invention of the camera in the mid 1800's to 1960's down by 50%. Some claim this is because of an increase in the discovery of so-called Blair Witch tapes taking over some of the statistics on cameras found without an owner.
Fu Hsi (China 6548 b.c.)
Determined that the best place for a beginning dragonologist to find dragons for their research is in fact Chinatown during the Chinese New Year's Celebration, where young male D. orientalis look in vain for females to mate with. Fortunately most dragon dancers are so drunk during the festivities that they rarely remember a thing of these mating rituals.
Saint George (Cappadocia - no bloomin' idea where that is, so let's just say Canada. 200 a.D)
Unlike most dragonologists, St. Georgie considered dragons to need population control, and spent most of his days using virgins such as Queen Elizabeth and Madonna to lure dragons to conveniently placed elaborate traps and skinning the last pennies off the poor villagers who were unlucky enough to be plagued by these mighty beasts.
Beowulf refined the Hustling techniques for
blackmailing saving villages by catching and taming a few young specimens of Draco occidentalis and using a well planned out method of
- Overrunning village with dragons
- Riding into town on a white horse (for this purpose, Beowulf's aides had to come up with bleach, but the nameless aide never got credit for it)
- Declaring he will save the village in exchange for all their gold, loose change, pennies, virgin sisters and daughters and left shoes
- Staging a well choreographed Killing of the Dragon(s) scene, where cunning pyrotechnics, smoke effects and moderate CG were used to create the illusion of Beowulf beating the crap out of the dragons
- Leaving for the next village before the news from the previous village reached the newest
Marco Polo (Italy 1200's or so...)
Edward Topsell (Britain. Maybe 1600's)
That guy whatshisname..? Err, nevermind...
Dr. Ernest Drake (since b.c.-?)
Dr Drake is an alien stuck on Earth, with a near immortal lifespan, which efficiently forced him to disguise as a human researcher and has been very secretive about his research, that much can be said. Drake may very well have been at scientific gatherings, but Drake has always turned the subject to "safer" ones when inquired on what he's been up to lately. He has also according to reports been repeatedly disguised as Stephen Hawking, Jude Law or Professor Leblanc, who's that funny little Hungarian guy with the transparent spheres that had something to do with math... Oh, nevermind... Drake has been travelling in both mortal and slightly less mortal realms, and often under an alias, so he has to some respect become a near mythical person himself.
"Dr. Drake" has been around for about thirty to thirty five years. He changes his name every now and then to hide his unnaturally high age, but no-one can be sure if they've met him before he became Drake. He is very thorough in creating his new persona to throw human authorities or black helicopters off any scent of alien he might give off.
Methods of Research
- Fieldwork. Never a bad idea. Though in case of dragons, there might be a few hazards one hasn't thought of in advance.
The Basics of Mythozoology
Common Causes of Death among Dragonologists
- Third degree burns
- Inhalation of smoke
- Inhalation of toxic fumes
- Inhalation of fire
- Baking (inside the Fireproof vehicle)
- Light Snacking
- Main Course
- Strangulation (for those who don't know the meaning of Constriction)
Now now, what self-respecting scientist wouldn't try to find out all there is to know about the sexual habits of their research subjects? Exactly. Important are positions, possible lingerie and the duration of copulation. Also to be remembered are mood lighting, soundtrack and possible artificial reproductive organs.
Known Species of Dragons
It is also possible that dragons have read, eaten, hated, burned, licked, tasted, slobbered, loved, sniffed or huffed this article. If you hate dragons, it is recommended to run like hell.
The common Dragon is the one with most reported cases of Virgin Snacks on it's résumé, and is in general considered to be the Great White of dragons.
This paramythical being is one of the most feared dragons, and has been reported to be the "Black Widow" of dragons. These creatures are rarely seen with a male, since women in power positions are labelled as puppets the second their males seem to tag along. The males of this species are the ones stuck at home tending the eggs and fledgling dragons, and do their best not to appear in public to strengthen the female's ego.
Things to bring along for a dragonologists' field trip
- Asbest coated hazmat suit
- Backup firefighters
- A Virgin
- A backup Virgin
- Halon gas extinguishers
- Foam extinguishers
- Flamewarrior team (preferably virgins)
- Fireproof force field
- Actually, make it a lake...
- Hostage negotiator
- An attractive dragon of the opposite gender