Dragon Age II

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Dragon Age II AKA "Drag Queen Age 2" is the extremely gay sequel to Dragon Age: Origins. You play as Hawke, a walking fashion faux-pas and aspiring drag superstar. After battling hoards of Dykespawn and settling into the city-state of Jerkwall Hawke finds himself swept up in the political maelstrom of gay rights and alcoholic apologists. It was released in March 2011 for PlayStation 3, XBOX 360, and PC despite originally being developed for the Commodore 64.



A Dykespawn horde

The story follows Hawke, a drag queen pariah fleeing his home town of Lothering due to failing a lipsyncing competition. Along the way Hawke is saved from an army of Dykespawn by a drag sorceress named Phlegm. He/she offers to fly Hawke and his friends to safety if he agrees to smuggle some cocaine in his anus.
Hawke lipsyncs

Hawke lip syncs for his life

After arriving in the city of Jerkwall, Hawke's sister gets a job as a prostitute and he works as her pimp/bodyguard until they earn enough money to open their own brothel.

Act 1

To open the drag club of his dreams Hawke must first get lots and lots of money and between his time selling and buying back the drugs he snorted he had run out of money. A midget gangster/poet approaches Hawke with an opportunity that he can't refuse but first they need the assistance of a schizophrenic gay-warden in order to get into the Derp Roads.

Act 2

Tensions are rising between the communist Rhinos and the bisexual-count, who refuses to grant the Mexicans amnesty while the Gay-Lesbian wars are happening. This angers the leader of the communist Rhinos who chops off the bisexual counts head and uses it as a kickball. Hawke and friends rush to Bi-count's Keep to free the brainwashed captives, but learn that the real reason the communist rhinos are invading is because someone stole their leader's diary which had very angry, sexually-explicit fantasies involving Justin Bieber and a sea cucumber...oh and his mum is kidnapped, beheaded and turned into a zombie-monster/prostitute by a deranged drug-addict.

Act 3

With the Bisexual Count's death Jerkwall has no leader and tensions between the Drug Addicts and the Alcoholics Anonymous Order has boiled over with the latter taking control of the keep and enforcing martial law upon the city, severely hampering the addicts' supply of porn and anime. Eventually Hawke is called in to mediate things and his gay-roommate/schizophrenic blows up a church for no reason. A lot of people are pissed off to the point of rioting in the streets and joining the Church of Satan in protest. The chumpion is forced to pick a side but regardless of which side he chooses he is forced to slay the molestery-headmaster of the Drug Addicts Circle who transforms into a fat ugly pig monster and kill the Leader of the Alcoholics Anonymous Order in a glorious gundam mecha battle.

Jerry Sandusky leads the drug addicted mages.

Meredith Lyrium Sword

Martha Stewart Leads the Alcoholics Anonymous Order against the Mage Addicts

Story & Characters

Dead celebs

Just a few of the celebrities one can encounter in the fade

Like its predecessor the story revolves heavily around sex and the use of psychedelic drugs in order to gain access to the fade and to talk to dead celebrities.

  • Hawke

Hawke1 Voiced by James Woods The so-called "Hero" of the story; Hawke or "Mrs. Funny Pants" as he wishes to be called, is a mediocre drag queen with very poor fashion sense. He becomes uncontrollably suicidal after his dog of 10 years breaks up with him and he needs to be consoled by a midget with beer.

  • Varric

Varric1 Voiced by Matt Roloff A midget mafia don and a poet, he runs an illegal sex-trafficking ring throughout Jerkwall and has connections within the midget underground. Several midget jihadists have taken a fatwa against him due to his blasphemous views on the Stone and religion in general.

  • Aveline

Aveline1 Voiced by Dom Delouise A female-to-male post op transsexual Aveline or "Abe" as he likes to be called, joins up with Hawke while fleeing from Dykespawn with his straight husband Wesley. Unfortunately he has to kill Wesley due to him contracting a fatal and incurable STD and decides to become the guard captain of Jerkwall and accept bribes and favors in the form of pizza and liquor.

  • Anders

Anders1 Voiced by Don Knotts Anders or "Mister Silly Kitty-Pants" or "Anderps" or "Fucking Psycho" is a schizophrenic cross-dresser and former gay-warden hiding out in the slums of Jerkwall. He used to be funny and liked cats but now he hates everything and blows up nuns.

  • Merrill

Merrill1 Voiced by Connie Chung Merrill is a transsexual elf/blood mage/hooker/pariah on the run from ghosts that are angry at her for selling their offerings for drug money. Like most prostitutes Merrill is addicted to crack, cocaine, ecstasy, angel dust and a few non-descript fictional ones.

  • Fenris AKA Cloud Strife

Fenris1 Voiced by Hiroshi Tomiyuki Fenris is a brooding, mentally-retarded emo/goth kid that was originally meant to serve as the primary protagonist of Final Fantasy XIII, but was placed in Dragon Age II when they decided that it was sexist not to have a female lead. He hates mages and loves fisting, can't stress enough how much he loves fisting.

  • Isabela AKA Captain Jack Sparrow

Isabela1 Voiced by Cathleen Turner A pirate captain/hooker, Isabela's ship was destroyed when she thought it was a good idea to play a game of seaside-chicken with a communist rhino dreadnought. When not ravaging the seas she is usually ravaging the bedrooms at the local whorehouse where she spends 90% of the game.

  • Bethany

Bethany1 Voiced by Fran Drescher Bethany is Hawke's sister and a mage. She fled Lothering with her brothers and mum because of a dykespawn invasion and took a job as a hooker with her brother acting as an enforcer/pimp. She eventually dies while down in the deep roads after having contracted a fatal and incurable STD after propositioning many darkspawn (she had sex with an ogre).

  • Carver

Carver1 Voiced by Gilbert Gottfried Carver is Hawke's brother and an alcoholic. He turned to hard liquor after his dad died from a botched sex reassignment surgery and he blames his brother for it even though he was like 10 at the time. He eventually joins Alcoholics Anonymous Order under Knight-Sponsor Martha Stewart in Jerkwall, and still blames his brother for his alcoholism.

  • Sebastian Vael

Seb1 Voiced by Brad Garrett A gay acolyte from Starkhaven, he was molested repeatedly by all of the chantry brothers and no one did anything about it until his parents were murdered and he was sent off to a Jerkwall spiritual center to pray the gay away.

  • Tallis

DA2 Tallis Voiced by John Goodman There is no one by the name of Tallis in this game.

See Also

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