Dragon Age: Inquisition
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|Dragon Age: Inquisition|
|Genre||Gay Sex, Cosplay, Furry, Eroge, Horticulture Simulator|
“The Citizen Kane of its generation.”
“It's not gay enough!”
“WHERE'S THE FUCKING WARDEN?!?!?!?!?”
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Dragon Age: Inquisition is a 2014 Role Playing Game released by Bioware, and is the third installment in he Drag Queen Age series. Dragqueen Age: Femquisition was released on November 18, 2014. It was simultaneously released worldwide on the Atari, Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo consoles and the Commodore 64 computer system. The game comes included with a paper bag, blindfold and a gallon of eye bleach as a pre-order bonus.
Drag Queen Age: Femquisition
The story as a result of the falling out between two groups of warring cosplayers; the Crossplayers and the Furries. Having heard enough of their shit, Divine Betty White calls for an emergency meeting at the Temple of Doom, at the top of a snowy, deadly mountain, in the middle of nowhere.
The meeting does not go as planned however as there is an explosion and everyone dies, except for the chosen one who is to become the herald of Androgyny. A couple of angry bulldykes come along and arrest the man, believing him to be responsible for the Divine Betty White's death. Cassandra (Bulldyke 1) marches the man outside of the prison and demands that he show her his "true power" by closing an
Oblivion Gate Fade Rift. Using the symbol on his hand that was given to him by some freaky ass ghost chick, the man seals the rift and everyone is relieved and believes that he is the herald of androgyny; the one who can bring peace to both Furries and Crossplayers. They get help from a bald racist elf, and a midget atheist porn writer.
Later a bitter old rival of the Divine's known as the Elder One arrives to lay waste to the cosplay convention by scaring away the lolis and burning up the furries and fat Sailor Moon cross-players with his Drug-Addicted Dragon.
Later Cassandra and her friends come across an unconscious Inquisitor and bring him to a castle where they formally announce his position as the Herald of Androgyny and the Leader of the Femquisition and set off to close shut the jaws of Oblivion and save the world from Alduin and the Heartless.
|Image||Name||Character class||More info|
|The Inquisitor||Pansexual||The Inquisitor is just an average weeaboo who got swept up in the Crossplay-Furry war, they are given the power of the Anchor allowing them to seal the Hate Rifts/Oblivion Gates spawned by internet trolls, white knights, haters and various assholes in general. They are dubbed "The Herald of Androgyny" and act as sort of a messianic figure to sex perverts and shut-ins. Because he is able to seal the breach, he had gained the ire of the Elder One. Being the main character of game entitles you to being a gay, straight, bisexual or pansexual; one can even romance a titular dragon, a flower or a nug if so inclined.|
|Cassandra Allegra Portia Calogera Bulldyke 1 Filomena Pentaghast||Heterosexual (shockingly)||Cassandra was a member of the Seekers of Truth; an organization that usually goes out of its way to prove the validity of urban legends, internet penis sizes, and the disappearance of Margo Kidder. Despite being even more masculine than both Sten and the Arishok put together she is surprisingly straight (metagay) and enjoys the company of men, particularly ones who dress and act like girls.|
|Solas||Heterosexual||A racist bald elf and Elvhen philosopher; he owns several car dealerships in Toronto but when they went bankrupt he fled to Thedas to lay low for a while. He is straight and romanceable only by female elves, despite being an overzealous anti-elf nazi. If you're lucky enough to win a date with him he will invite you into his lair and show you his collection of Pound Puppy merchandise.|
|Varric||Pansexual||The midget atheist crime lord from Dragon Age II returns in Inquisition, offering his salacious black market goods and erotic pulp friend-fiction novels of Hawke and Alistair. He "joins" (blackmailed by Cassandra) the Inquisition as a means of fending off midget jihadis who see his blasphemous and secular views on religion, chest hair and erotic nug wrestling as a threat to their society.|
|Cole||Asexual/Plantsexual||Cole is a mysterious demon/spirit/abomination/typical teenager. When he was fifteen he ran away from home when the power went out and wears a chamber pot on his head. In his spare time he likes to ramble incessantly and murder people. He is inexplicably turned on by vegetables and often burns turnips before masturbating furiously in the larder.|
|Dorian||Homosexual||Dorian is a Tevinter nobleman from Tevinter. He was raised on blood magic and confetti rituals (the latter being the most grievous of transgressions against the Maker). When he was in high school he typically joined the glee club where he could sing, vogue, sashay and act out all of his inner gay demons before his father found out. He joins the Inquisition so that he can re-shape Tevinter into a more "pro gay" society (despite the fact that every Tevinter magister is an obvious flaming homosexual). Being the resident gay guy Dorian has access to such fruitful (pun not intended) sayings as; "you go gurl", "work it honey" and "spill the T mama".|
|Vivienne||Heterosexual||Vivienne AKA "Madame Minzche" is a mage and first enchanter from Orlais. She also moonlights as a high-profile prostitute, which is where she met her john/boyfriend the Duke. She likes to cosplay as Maleficent and is staunchly pro-anti-gay. When she is not writing insulting letters to Joan Rivers she can usually be found at the backside of the local Chantry cleric. She is fluent in cryomancy, and enjoys crafting ice dildos in her spare time. Despite not being romanceable by the player, she is most often played by many rich men at the nightclubs of Orlais which is how she to quote; "made dat money".|
|Iron Bull, Iron Bowel Movement||Bisexual||Iron Bull is a Qunari spy and mercenary undercover as a homosexual in Thedas. He runs a group of exotic dancers/bodyguards called "Iron Bowel's Chargers" and they only accept either cash or a Visa card up front. When IB is not dancing around a pole in a banana hammock or working crowd control at One Direction concerts he can be found at the tavern where he will regale you with tales of his past life as a tomboy named "Tammy" who used to be really good at cricket.|
|Sera||Lesbian||Sera is a precocious Elven sharpshooter from Orlais, though she speaks with a cockney-British accent for some reason. She is a recovering heroin/crystal meth addict as evidenced by her constant muttering and incoherent sentences. She is also a really really big lesbian, like a huge dyke. She also hates elves and elven stuff similar to Solas but she doesn't get all Nazi about it. She enjoys wearing skin-tight catsuits and shooting things and people with arrows and doing lesbian things.|
|Blackwall||Heterosexual|| Blackwall also known as "The Perverse" is a gay warden warrior wandering about Thedas in search of |
|Image||Name||Character class||More info|
|Leliana AKA Lesbiana||Lesbionage||Lesbiana returns from Dragon Age and Dragon Age II to act as the dykemaster to the Inquisitor. She is extremely skilled in the art of lesbionage and can detect a dyke from over 100 meters away. In her spare time she can be found in the belfry writing idle threats to miscellaneous celebrities and watching her crows have sex.|
|Edward Cullen Rutherford||Militant Heterosexual||Yet another returning fan favorite from the Dragon Age series, Edward Cullen acts as the military adviser to the Inquisitor. He commands an army of well over 2 warriors and is suffering from heroin withdraws. He is romanceable by a straight (or bi-curious) human female inquisitor.|
|Josephine Joey Jo-Jo Shabadoo Montilyet||Blackmail||Josephine is the diplomatic adviser to the Inquisitor. She got the position when she wowed everyone with her ability to distinguish the difference between Pepsi and Coke. Josephine comes from a wealthy family cursed with addiction, the addiction to drink and gamble. At the age of 10 Josie's father sold her mother to a circus for some wine coolers. Recently Josephine herself has come into hard times when her father's gambling addiction got the best of him and he gambled away the family estate, forcing the family to live in their car. Josie's dad was arrested by the Antivan Tribunal on suspicion of selling stolen merchandise on EBay, though he vehemently denied it and was locked away in prison and eventually forgotten about. Josie's sister got a job with Cirque Du Solei as one of those mask-wearing freaks that dangle naked 30 feet in the air, which she erroneously believed was a cosplay club. Fortunately for Josie she was discovered by the Left and Right Bulldykes of the Divine and was hired as part of the reformed Femquisition.|
|Lacey Chabert Harding||Assassin/Stripper||A midget assassin and appreciator of romance novels, scout Lace Hardling is hardly noticeable until she strikes an arrow through your aorta. She is an expert at recon and stealth work and often exchanges amusing and derogatory text messages with Leliana via carrier pigeon. She is from Ferelden and enjoys riding mabari into war armed with nug-chuks (an weapon invented by the dwarves of Orzammar). When she isn't killing on the battlefield she can be found making a killing at the local tavern as a topless dancer "Lady Nugula".|
|Corypheus||Asshole Valleygirl||An ancient dykespawn vagister from Tevinter, Cory was the alpha mean girl back in his halcyon days but recently he has come into some bad luck. He was successful in breaching the internet with a group of vagisters, only to be banned for forum trolling and p2p with underage boys. After his exile he took his vengeance out on Dell and Apple Computers, using his ancient dykespawn powers to possess the body of Apple founder Steve Jobs. Using his newfound persona he was able to troll giant nations into fighting each other and gained hold of his dad's platinum card. He maxed it out on porn and junk food, but was eventually caught and grounded within a private prison in the vlimmark mountains and forgotten about. A thousand years later the screw-up hero of Dragon Age II releases Cory from his decimal slumber, believing it would be a good idea to exchange beauty tips with an ancient valleygirl/dykespawn. Cory escapes by possessing a gay warden and "borrows" a wizard's Rubik's cube/magic 8-ball/playstation thingy and causes the breach, he summons his faithful Dragon from the void to put an end to the Divine's cosplay peace convention and seeks to destroy the Herald of Androgyny for totally ruining his plans. His minions call him the "Elder One" out of respect, but he hates it because it reminds him of how old he is so he demands that everyone refer to him as the "Younger One".|
Unlike Drag Queen Age 2 where you could only play as a retarded human now you can meta game as a Na'vi, a hairless Ewok or as a religious fanatic [yay!]
Another of the game's purported features is 'cosplaying', in fact out of the estimated 300 hours of gameplay 299 of them revolve around finding, looting, stealing or exhuming and dressing up in an assortment of costumes ranging from "blinging" to "fabulous", to "Leeroy Jenkins" to "Molestery".
Sex makes a huge comeback in Inquisition as now everyone is screwable and is either gay, bi or straight (closeted).
While similar to Drag Queen Age II's combat system, Inquisition's battle system has been overhauled in order to confuse and/or alienate longtime and new players. There is also an STD system now that allows players to keep score of how many sexually-transmitted diseases they have acquired throughout their journey (acquiring the AIDS however will result in a game over).
Another element to Drag Queen Age: Femquisition's gameplay is the class specializations. There are 5 whole new specializations along with four familiar ones returning.
- Nut Enchanter
Have you ever wanted to raise an army of peanuts, walnuts or cashews to fight for you? Neither have I but this class doesn't let you do that anyway, instead you travel all around Thedas to enhance the quality of people's nuts (nuts as in legumes, but sometimes the other kind).
- Taco Mancer
Cafeterias all over Thedas will fear he who wields the almighty power of the taco.
- Ski Mage
A private club for rich, privileged mages who are enabled to attend ski lessons in Aspen, they just really like to ski a lot.
- Drug Dealer
Got my money? Damn it I NEEEED that money!!! Travel all over Thedas gathering ingredients in order to make the world's finest crack rock or craft together raw materials from scratch to make an elite crack pipe. Don't forget to send your pushers out to gather more buyers and be sure to collect every red cent from them.
Have you ever wanted to run around with knives and or scissors? Well now you can and nobody will tell you "stop doing that, it's dangerous!" Run around like a lunatic slashing and stabbing at anything and everything in sight.
These expert booty-hunters are carefully trained in the arts of hunting and sniping 'ass' [booty]. There is no ass too large or too small for the ass-assassin.
Want to spread the word of Joseph Smith and the Latter Day Saints of Jesus Christ? Now is your chance, don some heavy armor, grab a greatsword and find those apostates. Tie them to a stake and burn them alive or else conscript them into the mormon church for a fate worse than death.
- Postal Worker
Tired of obnoxious dogs gnawing at your ankles and lunging at you through wired fences? Ticked off at all of the mouthy, inconsiderate idiots holding up the line at work? Now you can unleash all of that postal fury whenever and wherever you feel like with the Postal Worker class [does not work on Sundays and some Holidays].
- John Cena
Unlocking this prestige class will allow you to become the elite of the Wrestling community, the upper echelon of Dubya-E. You will have an annoying cult following of fanatic little girls rivaled only by One Direction.
Drag Queen Age: Femquisition was developed using the new Frostbite 1 engine meaning that regardless of your graphics card, or console all of the characters will look extremely, horribly, irredeemably ugly (gamers who pre-ordered can resolve this issue by using their bonus blindfold or eye bleach).
So far the game has garnered much critical response from a variety of media outlets. A 2014 winter PTSA poll determined that Dragon Age: Inquisition was extremely popular with boys within the age ranges of 12 to 16, and that procuring boxes of tissues were hard to come by.
Rob Schulman of GenieGamer said in a one-on-one interview of the game: "Never have I experienced such realistic and fully-rendered sex, I am forever done with prostitutes!"
Heidie Büttfarm head of the Moms Against Stuff Society or MASS had this to say: "My husband won't touch me, my son spends all day in his room. Where can I get a copy of this game?".
Even though Femquisition has only been out for a few days it has already gained a controversial status especially in the Middle East where confusion over Cassandra's gender has gone from heated arguments to literal warfare in minutes. In India the game was banned because it was not gay enough, and that Cows are now a playable race since they worship cows and find it offensive or something.