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“DragonFable? Yes, I think I had sex with them once. Although I didn't see their face so I can't be sure, for obvious reasons.”
“I played this shit since I was 1!!!!!”
Dragonfable, is some rubbish dylan plays Artix Entertainment's mind-numbing mass-hypnosis project known as AdventureQuest, meant to draw their players further under their control by forcing them to perform mindless, repetitive "quests" over and over. And over. It is believed that by doing so, they will form the perfect armies of slaves to rise up and defeat the legions of Empress Oprah. This, of course, is completely silly.
The game itself is allegedly set approximately 5 years before the events of AdventureQuest. This is mostly to confuse younger players with no concept of space-time, as the NPCs within the game look exactly the same as they did in AQ. Also, this game is supposed to be entirely separated from the events in AdventureQuest, yet on several occasions there have been quests which tie the two games together. It is suggested this is another attempt to confuse the average player so that they won't bother looking for the obvious plotholes.
The game wants you to believe (after you give them $19.95) that you are meant to become a legendary "DragonLord" and ride your dragon with you everywhere you go, obliterating everything in your path. This is largely untrue, as your dragon is a lazy and apparently sleep-deprieved infant, and you yourself are much weaker than any important bad guys in the game, who can pretty much thrash you in a single hit. And they tell this to HUNDREDS OF CHARACTERS. This is just a way to get you to pay to supposedly be a dragon lord. Somehow, players begin to believe in this nonsense and discuss with other players how they intend to "pwnz0rz" the various baddies on the AE forums.
Creating a Character
The game first expects you to create a character. You are allowed to be either a male or female. Gender can be changed Zorbak later in the game for a reasonable fee of 1,000 DragonCoins (which are like a Dragon Amulet, except with a time limit). However, males have lots of facial hair, which is the only difference. You may also choose from one of three classes, as described below.
The Warrior class is designed to be the stereotypical brute force, no-brains character, much like a nomadic caveman or that really big jock who always beat you up in high school. Some Warrior attacks include "Double Strike", "Triple Strike", "Quintuple Strike", and their finishing move, "Make-the-game-crash Strike", which uses so many strikes the game often causes the player's computer to display the Blue Screen of Death, then explode. All of this character's attacks are designed to deal tons of damage through rapid clicking of the Attack button. Because of this, it is the most favored class choice because most players dislike having to move their mouse a few inches to click other buttons. The grave disadvantage of a warrior is that they must wait for a turn to attack.
The Mage class leans towards using spells to make the peoples fall down. They also have a strange fetish for staves, which would suggest they are compensating for something besides their horrid damage. Some Mage attacks include "Fireball", "Iceball", "Thunderball", and the very popular "OMFGBBQBall", which destroys everything in one hit. This class is often favored by intellectual players (see: Nerd), old geezers who like whacking things with their canes while yelling for whippersnappers to get off their lawns, and people who enjoy lots of shiny buttons with pretty pictures on them.
The rogue class prefers to use sneaky, cheap techniques to defeat their opponents, as they typically take steroids. Some Rogue attacks include "Trip", "Tie Enemy's Shoelaces Together", "Poke Enemy in the Eye(s)", "genetically mutate enemy's brains", "instant wedgies", and the very commonly used "Stabbity Stabbity" in which the player furiously stabs the monster in the hopes of making it jump ten feet in the air and be impaled as it falls. This class is the favorite of sneaky idiots who like to do lots of damage without being caught (see: Enron).
Throughout the game, you may find NPCs willing to train your character in different classes. Such training is usually performed by giving said NPC an object of his desire, which he instantly transforms into a new skill for your character by bending the laws of time.
Pirates are Rogues with guns. Dread Pirates (pirates with Dragon Amulets) are poorly disguised pirates attempting to look like ninjas.
Rangers use archery to take down their opponents. They have an unlimited supply of arrows and a flat chest, regardless of gender.
Paladins follow the path of Artix (see below) by focusing their powers on several useless skills with no combos. Once a Paladin realizes that Light magic sucks, he trains under Zorbak (see below) and follows the path of a Necromancer, and eventually a DeathKnight.
Females are strange warriors who fight with sexual prowess. They can take a variety of forms, including Female Pirate, Female Ninja, and Female Mage, but they are all in essence the same thing. Despite the attempts of people everywhere, a Female Ranger has never been found (except for Robina). The best is female Demonlord.
Once you have created a character, you are automatically given a magical backpack of holding, so that you can carry a crazy number of full-sized weapons and armors around with you everywhere. This backpack only contains one weapon to start with, which varies depending on the class you selected. Warriors get the "Oversized Sword of Pwnage", Rogues get the "Pointy Daggers of Cutting", and Mages get the "Large Wooden Stick You Might Find Lying Around in a Forest Somewhere".
To obtain more equipment is easy. You can choose from a large variety of equipment in the stores for a small gold sum, or have half a brain and go on quests in order to access infinitely better weapons and gear which some loser apparently left lying around in the middle of every forest, cave, and building. What a n00b.
And there is now a "forge", where you can "forge" things with funny names. But you have to buy "components" and go on "quests" to get other "components." So you're better off doing one of the first two.
However, it would be impossible to gain access to anything "good" using any of the methods to obtain equipment as mentioned above without a Dragon Amulet.
The game is very simple to play. You start within a town with a large stone tower, commonly known as the "Guardian Dungeon" where they keep the souls of players who have been completely entranced into mindless zombies. Your goal is to become the most powerful dude around, and you can only do so by wandering aimlessly around the world of Lore and beating the crap out of everything.
It is wise to talk to as many NPCs as possible, especially the many Goth ones as they always have something to complain about. Some NPCs are willing to join you on quests, mostly because they have nothing better to do than help a total stranger beat monsters senseless.
There are many NPCs in this game, all of whom have their own strange flaws and fetishes. They are described below.
Artix Von Krieger
The character that is put into the game purely out of ego. This paladin has a strange obsession with wandering around in graveyards killing zombies, and cracking puns so ridiculous and lame that it could cause your brain to asplode. Most players are drawn to him, however, because his armor is very shiny and makes him look muscular, but in fact he's just a skinny little noob.
Cysero used to be a spaceship. Its artificial intelligence unit was severely malfunctioned, and he had to be shut down. But during the Reset (a failed attempt by Artix Entertainment to explain why futuristic MechQuest is in DragonFable's), he was changed from a ship into a powerful mage. The AI glitch never went away, so Cysero is still completely insane.
While he is incredibly powerful, he cannot always use his magic properly because his haircut prevents him from seeing properly. He compensates by crafting magical artifacts like the Telephone Booth of Time-Travel, which in effect is another attempt to confuse new players. He currently lives in Yulgar's bathtub in his inn, where he believes his pet rubber ducky talks to him.A penguin is also shown beside the bathtub. it must have been a stalker.
This character is rather odd in that he is one of the few male character who wears makeup under his eyes, probably so that he can make himself look more badass, but he completely fails at doing so. He often attacks the player for no reason and gets the crap beaten out of him, making him the token Team Rocket of DragonFable.
A Goth chick who believes herself to be part-dragon. For some reason, she really wants to kill Warlic because he promised to give her her dragon magic back but never did. She eventually suceeds in doing so then, being the emotionally depraved half dragon she is, revives him and sees the error in her ways. Yet still complains about everything.
This girl wears clothing very skimpy, short, which leads most people to believe she is very dirty. She gives in to sexual offers, and gets seduced easily. Her boobs grows enormously at a fast rate, which has led to tension between her clothing. She is commonly known to be a nymphomaniac, and resorts to paying thousands of monsters to have wild sex with her. She's cheap as well..........little bitch
Se...Sepul....That S Guy
This guy claims to be a Doom Knight with crazy unholy dark powers. He also has a large and ugly looking sword which he talks to, apparently he believes that the sword talks back and tells him what to do. He has a second job selling undead ponies.
This Goth chick spends most of her time standing outside of the town hall in Gothville, lamenting about how sad her life is and how no one loves her. This tends to draw a lot of sympathy from internet nerds who have similarly pathetic lives.
This guy is so ninja he can wear gold and still be a sneaky guy. However he wears armor, which may just be him hiding his dandruff. Seriously, he's a ninja.
Warlic is a powerful mage who apparently has childhood issues with another mage by the name of Xan. While the exact circumstances of the incident are unknown, it is suggested that Warlic was a "bad boy" in his youth and burned Xan's house down for fun, which somehow turned Xan into a freaky flaming skeleton.
This guy is quite literally a walking skeleton with a flaming head. He also seems to enjoy laughing a bit too much, which suggests that he may be heavily addicted to kitten huffing.
The antihero of the story. Though most Moglins speak in jibberish, his language primarily consists of the words "meh" and "ebil."
The game is filled with quests which are completely unique and interesting, not to mention filled with unique monsters. These include the "Fire Cave" which has Fire Elementals, a "Water Cave" which has Water Elementals, an "Earth Cave" which has Earth Elementals, and even a "Wind Cave" which has Wind Elementals. Players are rooting for a Bacon Cave. If this is implemented, it is speculated that it will, in a surprise move, be filled with Bacon Elementals. This, of course, is highly debated.
One of the game's most amazing features is the ability to obtain your own personal dragon. You are allowed to choose the dragon's appearance, element, and even his attacks. You are allowed to take your dragon with you everywhere, even on quests, where he often ends up doing most of the grunt work for the player. And it is suggested that eventually, you will be able to ride your dragon like a personal air taxi, and fight large monsters with it so that you don't have to injure yourself. In essence, this is DragonFable's form of a controlled and operable slave market. It is quite possible that eventually you will be able to crossbreed your dragons and create a full work force for yourself, so that they are better capable of farming your cotton plantations.
The newest addition to the game is the ability to buy "houses", "dwellings" and "huts". These are of course not actual homes, but warehouses to store the numerous drugs the players have collected over the years. This is an obvious deduction, as up until this point players did not need food or sleep. They live off the lifeforce given off by the humans playing the game. The homes are garish and all defy the general laws of physics and mechanics, being built in an instant and even being built on the shittest of all foundations... SAND. The different locations give different drug bonuses. The normal green lands allow quick selling of your goods to "happy" creatures. The beach homes supply to pirates, and double up as a brothel, allowing the expansion of the home to hold more salty wenches. The darklands grow the best shrooms.
Much criticism has been leveled at Artix Entertainment for a variety of reasons, though namely those below.
Unethical Dragon Treatment
Recently a movement has sprung up, protesting the cruel and inhumane treatment of dragons, who are basically the slave labor behind DragonFable. Many of the players feel that dragons should have equal rights as human beings. The staff have responded to this with the following quote:
“The players need to understand that, in DragonFable, dragons are designed to do and be whatever you tell them. That's how they are programmed. They are SUPPOSED to be your slaves!”
Dragon fable would not exist if not for the fact that some hackers changed it to a game in which you have to pay to do anything. The Dragon Amulet is DragonFable's form of Guardianship in this game, and in addition to giving you magical access to all areas, it also allows you to exert forceful mind control on your dragon and enlarge him in size so that you can ride him and he can throw you off and give you 50,000 damage. It has been said that the company is purposely making much of their game content "DA-only", thus excluding players who have not paid for the game. The company responds by telling these players that most of their content is, in fact, accessible to free players. This is true, presuming that you don't mind being a completely sucky character with no powerful or rare items.
A second, much more useful form of currency as compared with gold, this is often required to buy most of the more powerful in-game items. This has caused players to complain that the company is merely trying to drain as much money from the player-base as possible. The company responds to these players by offering "contests" which often require that the player takes screenshots of themselves in humiliating positions, thus proving their character is the most pathetic, in order to win Dragon Coins.
Though it is well hidden, antisemitism is displayed in the game. In The Haunted Castle, a large number of deformed skeletons were shown, with their names being Jabber Jew. When confronted, Artix Entertainment responded by attempting to sell Dragon Amulets to our investigative reporter and changing the skeleton's name to Jabber Jaw.