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Dracula was born in Transylvania, Romania and he is the most, and perhaps only, famous Romanian. He was the only known child of the Romanian king, a cruel pagan known as Tupac. From even his earliest childhood years, the ambitious Dracula was trained in the dangerous and rare art of bull tail braiding. Eventually, at the age of sixteen, he ran away from home and took up a new career in flute-playing. After several years spent saving numerous towns and villages from plagues of vermin which mysteriously afflicted anywhere he visited; he became depressed at the lack of thanks he received for his troubles. In a stroke of pure genius he moved up a league from rats to children and his popularity soared. He was a particular success in Catholic countries until the pope announced that giving children away to vampires was quite possibly even worse than wearing a condom or being gay. By this stage however, Dracula had accumulated sufficient wealth and slaves to set himself up as a vampire of leisure and focus on the private exploits for which he is now renowned throughout the world. He even became so popular that he became Pope himself in 2005 - taking the papal name of Vlad the Impaler - possibly the best papal name ever.
edit Lifetime achievements
After his early years(1-1999) as an entrepreneurial pest remover, Dracula settled down to his infamous castle to spend more time on his charitable work with the comparatively young. It was in the years that followed that he was made a count for services to medicine as he donated an incredible one hundred and twenty three tons of blood over a ten year period. Dracula almost lost his counthood just eighteen months later after the spreading of nasty, evil, false, malicious, baseless, twisted rumours (see below) about the blood he had donated; no doubt started and perpetuated by jealous lesser beings
Dracula also won the Nobel Prize in medicine for his work preforming the first ultrasound and for his amazing rapid weight loss and skin bleaching treatment.
edit Current Status
The count can more recently be seen during the spring months of the year serving as ESPN's NFL Draft guru under the guise of Mel Kiper, Jr. Additionally, it is this persona that spawned the idea for Count Chocula breakfast cereal.
edit Nasty, evil, false, malicious, baseless, twisted rumours
These nasty, evil, false, malicious, baseless, twisted rumours are entirely False and Baseless. They are spread by Nasty, Evil, Malicious men with Twisted ankles. They are included purely to allow you to recognise them for what they are and to prevent the good name of Dracula being brought into disrepute. The author of the article in no way agrees with any of the following wrong suggestions:
- Some doctors have claimed that the Count is not a universal donor; blood type O- since many patients appear to reject the donated blood.
(Blood tests have proven this to be untrue and the problem has been put down to doctor's incompetence and/or an attempt to sully the name of Dracula.)
- A few cases of hepatitis contracted by blood recipients were at one time suggested to be the fault of Dracula.
(Blood tests again showed this to be untrue and measures were taken to prevent sharing of needles and unprotected sex in hospitals.)
- Questions were asked as to how Dracula could afford to give away so much blood.
(Dracula explained the benefits of a high iron diet.)
- The News of the World laughably suggested that the Count generated so much blood through the slaughter of innocent children lured from their homes by pipe music.
edit Common myths concerning Dracula and other vampires
- Vampires are hard to kill: This is not true. Vampires are vulnerable to axes, stakes (preferably Ribeye), garlic, sunlight, Will Smith, evil psychopathic dentists, sea-food, running water, holy symbols, pickled veggies, greater turning, splinters, zubbins, lemons, STDs and, well, just about anything that could kill a normal person. Please be nice to them, as they are actually more afraid of you, than you are of them.
- Vampires can control werewolves: This has yet to be proven one way or the other. If you know of any werewolves in your area please bring them in to Transylvania laboratories for testing.
- Vampires are out to drink your blood Well, umm... actually this is often the case but give them a break. If you were an anaemic undead photophobe you might have one or two minor vices yourself. With AIDS being so widespread vampires first get the blood tested before drinking it.
- Vampires sparkle in the sun They ABSOLUTELY DO NOT SPARKLE - this is a cruel myth dreamed up by an evil vampire hating author in a strange attempt to get teenage girls to fall in love with vampires and lure them into a painful death in the sunlight.
edit Rise of Dracula's empire
When Vlad Draculescu came to power in Romania at the age of 9, he became interested in the art of warfare. After conquering small territories from neighboring countries, Vladimir began to look at the bigger picture. After 10 years of planning, at the age of 21, Vladimir sent out his vast army of Romanian troops and conquered all of Europe, half of Asia, and parts of Africa in less than four hours. Being leader of one of the world's largest empires, Vladimir received the Nobel Peace Prize every year of his ludicrously long life. He then turned into a bat and flew up to the International Space Station, where he occasionally enjoys a liquid luncheon of astronaut food with recent launchys.
edit See also
- Count Duckula
- The Count
- Count Chocula
- Vlad the Impaler
- John Zorn
- Edward Cullen