Dr Phil

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Dr. Phil, AKA the Strange Glump or "Mutant Moustache Man, Mangler of Mangoes", is a 'wanna-be psychologist' who's ultimate goal in life is to destroy as many peoples lives as humanly possible. He has received numerous awards for his spasms of uninteresting bullshit, and is still an active closet gay. He has recently acquired a new way of entertaining many retarded viewers with IQ's of 40 and below, know as the Dr. Phil show..

[edit] Early life

Dr. Phil was born in Pumpkinuts, Texas (where Dr Phil says the good ol' motto is 'Fox in a chicken coop is better than half a turnip on a dung sandwich') quite early, 8 months early to be exact. He was born with a moustache and he was already balding. His mum tried to drown him when he was a baby but his moustache absorbed all the water in the tub. He had a strange attraction to hideous women with extensive plastic surgery. He grew up quickly, and became well-known in his school and his surroundings as the retarded tall kid who smelled like half cooked onion rings. When he was taken in by the police, he tried to help them rearrange the furniture, and so they all surrendered to his demands just to shut him the fuck up. He then moved to Los Angeles and started helping people there. During 5 days, Dr Phil successfully began attacking many people with violent words, and won the award for "Los Angeles Most Helpful Citizen" after kissing more than 80 % of Los Angeles' male population (hence the award). He won 300,000 dollars for this award, and this was how he started to build a fortune. Despite this he decided to go onto Celebrity Survivor where he 'psyched out' the competition by showing off his 'log'. One day while walking down the street in his suburban neighborhood, Dr Phil saw a strange man pleasuring himself in a nearby tree. Dr Phil approached the man and asked him what he was doing, the man said I'm Barron Ottenbrite and jumped down from the tree and ejaculated on the impact of landing. Dr Phil asked Barron if he would like to be on his show, and Barron said "NO!, I like flap jacks and raping squirrels!" Dr Phil disgusted by this started to walk away, but before he could leave Barron Ottenbrite flung some of his cum on Dr Phils upper lip and said "Now you have a real mustache!!!

[edit] The Dr. Phil Show

The Dr. Phil show is a meek representation of Dr. Phils intentions. The show begins with Phil introducing a person with a problem of some sort, he then asks the person what it is that they do. Once the person has replied, Dr. Phil then repeats the entire explanation and awaits the crowds applause Example:

• Dr. Phil: Today i will be talking to tony, who drinks 15 cans of coke a day. Tony what is it you do?
• Tony: Well Dr. Phil, i drink 15 cans of coke a day.
• Dr. Phil: He drinks 15 cans of coke a day.
• (Crowd applause)
• Dr. Phil: coming up next, i'll be speaking to dave, who beats his wife regularly.
• Dave: Yes Dr. Phil, i beat my wife several times a day.
• Dr. Phil: Hmmmm (awkward pose), Dave beats his wife several times a day.
• (Crowd applause)

Nothing is ever truly solved, it is only proved to happen.

[edit] How to be like him

You can't be like Dr. Phil unless you are a closet homosexual working in Oprahs/Orpahs Studio because you are an underpaid half bald moustache wearing loner who dates ugly plastic women.

[edit] How to kill him

Killing Dr.Phil is like drowning a baby, it can seem too disgusting to do but if you have the determination it's easy. Although even getting close to this hideous monster can destroy your soul through sheer boredom & disgust, there are ways to fight through the pain.

Step 1.

First step is preparing yourself for the task ahead. Try listening to Ryan Seacrest's voice in small bursts a month prior to attempting the task as this builds up a small resistance to bullshit.

Step 2.

Getting to Dr.Phil is easy, all you have to do is send a sappy letter to his tv show stating that you are a pregnant teenager whose gay lover left you and you are assured a position on his show. When you get on the show, make sure you wear sunglasses because the reflection from his shiny bald head will cause severe damage to your eyes, in some cases the reflection burns right through the eyes and then goes through the back of the skull.

Step 3.

This is the how to kill Dr.Phil, all you have to do is decapitate his moustache and he will become powerless. Then you have to make him watch re-runs of his own show as Dr.Phil is the only thing that can kill Dr.Phil

Step 4.

You must bury Dr.Phil's body under 6 feet of concrete because Dr.Phil can never truly die.

[edit] Conspirators

Dr.Phil is only one man (monster, shemale ?!?!?!!?) and he can only kill so many people before being discovered. Even monsters need friends. Together with Andy Dick, Cliff Richard & Satan they formed D.O.U.C.H.E (Doctor Organizes Unentertaining Crap Hosted by E!). Together they rule the television world through fear and disgust alone. For more information see D.O.U.C.H.E