Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion

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Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Perhaps Some Nietzsche or Other Such Intellectual Rot, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, Lightly Toasted On White Bread With Some Orange Juice (But No Pulp) And Perhaps an Ice Cube or Two, Then Rent a Movie, Preferrably an Action Comedy Starring Jackie Chan (a Guilty Pleasure of Mine), Go Out and Party, Generally Have a Good Time, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion, and Perhaps Even Come to the Point of Loving the Idea of Atomic Weapons: The Movie Poster.

“...What?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion
“I can no longer sit back and allow communist infiltration, communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our bodily fluids.”
~ General Jack D. Ripper on communism


Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion is the short name of a black comedy by chronic masturbator Stanley Kubrick that theorizes what would happen if twelve thousand clones of Peter Sellers were put in charge of the United States government. Its complete title is Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Perhaps Some Nietzsche or Other Such Intellectual Rot, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, Lightly Toasted On White Bread With Some Orange Juice (But No Pulp) And Perhaps an Ice Cube or Two, Then Rent a Movie, Preferably an Action Comedy Starring Jackie Chan (a Guilty Pleasure of Mine), Go Out and Party, Generally Have a Good Time, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion, and Perhaps Even Come to the Point of Loving the Idea of Atomic Weapons. The full name was used in the title sequence, which consequently accounted for half the duration of the film, as well as early commercials for the film, which were soon cancelled because they were longer than the film itself.

Like all of Kubrick's movies, the story was based on an obscure, neglected tone poem composed by Richard Strauss, which has a title so long no one has ever bothered to type it or even read the whole thing. The melody was so incredibly long it only manages to get repeated twice in the entire composition. Thus, no one ever plays it. Some other parts of the story, however, were based on the book Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Aleeeeeeeeeeeert!!.

The movie is not to be confused with Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, which is an entirely different film altogether. The movie Fail-Safe was claimed to be a huge ripoff of Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion, but this was found to be not true on the basis that the names of the characters were different. Fail-Safe, however, remains an unfunny movie nobody knows of, much less cares about.

Original Title of Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion

The original title of the film, however, was much longer; if written out, it would be longer than the complete works of Leo Tolstoy. The extreme length was due to the fact a team of a thousand monkeys with typewriters were tasked with writing the title for the film. As such, half the original title was either gibberish or Shakespeare. Somehow, the manuscript of Crime and Punishment managed to find its way in there too.

However, because everyone who heard the original title was estimated not to survive long enough to hear its end, not to mention the copyright issues with Fyodor Dostoevsky, the title had to be cut short to simply Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and You're Not Reading This, Are You? Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Perhaps Some Nietzsche or Other Such Intellectual Rot, Really, Why On Earth Are You Reading This? Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, Lightly Toasted On White Bread With Some Orange Juice (But No Pulp) and Perhaps an Ice Cube or Two, It's the Same Exact Thing, Except with These Phrases Which You're Probably Not Reading Anyways, Then Rent a Movie, Preferably an Action Comedy Starring Jackie Chan, You Probably Wouldn't Even Notice if I Skipped Some Parts, Go Out and Party, Generally Have a Good Time, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion, and Perhaps Even Come to the Point of Loving the Idea of Atomic Weapons.

Cast of Dr Strangelove or: How Peter Sellers learned to stop worrying, sit down and relax for a bit, try and read or something, maybe eat a Peter Sellers sandwich, and basically do anything other than obsessively think about being Peter Sellers in a massive Peter Sellers movie called "How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion"

  • President Merkin Muffley – Peter Sellers (without that rug on his head)
  • Group Captain Lionel Mandrake – Peter Sellers wearing a clearly fake mustache that falls off a couple of times
  • Dr. Strangelove – Peter Sellers in a wheelchair
  • General Jack the Ripper – sociopathic Peter Sellers
  • Lieutenant Darth Vader – evil, black Peter Sellers with a fairly deep voice dressed in a lion suit and wielding a lightsaber
  • Colonel "Bat" Guano – a statue of Peter Sellers made out of feces
  • Air Force Major King Kong – Slim Pickens in a monkey suit... wait, sorry, Peter Sellers in a Slim Pickens suit. Err... I'll get back to you on that...
  • Miss Scott – Peter Sellers in drag

Out of convenience, Peter Sellers was cast to play every single character in the movie. He was under the impression that this was another Pink Panther movie. This was not unlike one of Sellers' earlier movies, Casino Royale, in which everyone was cast to play James Bond.

Plot of Dr. Oh My Fracking God This Is Getting Old Will This Just STOP?!

The movie begins as General Jack the Ripper (played by Peter Sellers) barricades himself in an Air Force base and commands a series of bombers to execute Plan R, which is to execute Plan Q which in turn is a plan giving directions to execute Plan S, which also in turn order the bombers to execute Plans A and B, both of which read "See Plans L, M, N, O and P". Plans L, M, N, O and P redirect to Plan C, which redirects to Plans T, U, V, W, X, Y and Z, each of which instruct the bomber crews to sort out all the mess with the redundant plans, take their hour lunch breaks, and then proceed with Operation Bomb-the-Hell-Out-of-Those-Communist-Bastards, a fail-safe retaliation tool in case someone should decapitate the president WIIIIIIITH.... A HERRING!

Ahem.

Specifically, a Red Herring.

However, the president, Merkin Muffley (also played by Peter Sellers), has not been decapitated. In fact, his head is still attached to his shoulders by his neck, and is altogether quite fine (unfortunately enough). Despite this, the start of Operation Bomb-the-Hell-Out-of-Those-Communist-Bastards causes everyone to believe him to be deceased, so when he shows up to the War Room, he is tied up and interrogated for several hours until the generals realize that the president somehow grew another head. They reluctantly untie him, take his gag off, detach the electrodes from his testes, and finally brief him on the situation. Several solutions are suggested. Unfortunately, he did not take to kindly to General Turdison's bold suggestion the United States take advantage of the situation and destroy the Soviet Union completely, even though they'd only lose about ten to twenty million people (all of whom would be played by Peter Sellers) at the most. This is one of the many implications that the president is a communist pussy, which reoccur throughout the movie.

Shortly thereafter, the president calls the Soviet premier Dmitri Kisof (who, although he is never shown onscreen or given any lines, is played by Peter Sellers) and engages in phone sex with him. However, Dmitri is put off when the president shouts during climax that a ton of bombers are on their way to destroy the Soviet Union and will arrive within a day. The premier gets revenge by announcing his country has a doomsday device and if the Soviet Union is attacked, the world will instantly a splode and kill everyone to death in acid cloud of radiation fire doom mayhem insanity (in his pants). An ex-Nazi advisor named Dr. Strangelove confirms this and then rambles on into a long speech declaring the superiority of German doomsday devices over Russian ones. Some smartass suggests turning the device off; however, Kisof expects this and immediately declares that if you turn it off, it will still a splode the world. General Turgadurkastan calls hax, but everyone ignores him because he's a whiner.

Pickens

A primitive ape is shown cheering, as he's about to rid the world of any life, and therefore communism. Or he thinks he's riding a bull. An atomic bull that will destroy all of humanity. And communism. Especially communism.

Meanwhile, Jack the Ripper, the only person who knows the recall code for the bombers, goes on a killing spree using a machine gun, shooting at the brigades of transvestites and other sexual deviants (probably played by Peter Sellers) sent to capture the air force base. However, he soon decides that his stubble is getting too long and goes off to shave. While shaving, though, he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and, mistaking himself for another communist prostitute, commits suicide. A preverted RAF officer (also played by Peter Sellers) along with a mound of bat feces decide together to vandalize a Coke machine in order to make exact change, and prank call the president.

One bomber, however, has a crew consisting of a young Darth Vader (Peter Sellers, assisted by James Earl Jones) and a giant monkey (played by Peter Sellers if one cannot tell the difference between him and a fat character actor), rendering it virtually invincible to anti-aircraft missiles because killing Darth Vader would go against canon and cause a paradox that would collapse space-time and destroy existence entirely. Thus, the bomber drops the bomb, which the giant monkey accompanies to be certain that it reaches its target instead of just uselessly floating around in midair. Fortunately, the bomb does not float. As it falls, the monkey cheers happily at the greatness of nuclear weapons. The bomb hits, activating the doomsday device and effectively destroying all life on Earth as we know it. Loonies predicting the end of the world rejoice because they were right for a change.

The movie ends on an inspiring note when Dr. Strangelove stands up from his wheelchair and cries, "Mein Führer, I can walk!"

Alternate Ending

The original ending of Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion was a long, wild pie fight in the War Room that lasts until the president is killed with a cream pie to the face. Everyone then gathers around crying as General Turgidson curses the world in a soliloquy for striking down the young president in his prime. Kubrick decided the pie fight was too much like the ending of Casino Royale and cut the scene, much to the disappointment of Woody Allen, as that was his only appearance in the film.

A new ending was written, which consisted entirely of a long brawl between four hundred Peter Sellers lookalikes that erupted from a friendly game of Cowboys and Indians. A disgruntled Woody Allen strapped himself with dynamite, infiltrated Shepperton Studios, called Kubrick a jerk, and then blew himself and half the set up. Kubrick, unfortunately, survived, going on to write and direct half a dozen more films that were equally as confusing.

See also

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