Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw

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Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw
Photograph of Dr. Shatterjaw after his historic "Sanity Check" surgeries [source: Google Images]. Only 8 people survived out of the 17...

Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw is a little-to-none known doctor born September 24th, 1970, in the Middle-East of the United States. He specializes in arthroscopic surgery; dealing mainly in MCL, meniscus, and knee-cap replacement surgeries. His colleagues describe him as a man who could be replaced easily, bringing nothing new or of use to the operation "table" other than his goofy shenanigans and over the top toupee obsession. He is also known and renowned for his unorthodox procedural ways in the medical field [see notable surgery list] as well as despised for his lack of essential and proper medical knowledge. In 2006, he was given the title, "Richest man with the lowest IQ" in Forbz Magazine. The next year, he was given another similar title, "Richest man with an even lower IQ". The details of his childhood are quite inconsequential. His father was a relentlessly self-depriving tangerine owner from Belgium with high-grade epilepsy and a penchant for burglary. His mother was a 15-year-old German olympian named Chansey with webbed feet. His father would womanize and drink, often making outrageous claims, like he invented the country of India. Sometimes, he would accuse the British of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane torment. All in all, Shatterjaw's childhood was typical; summers in Manitoba, luge lessons. In the spring, his family would make unsafe chairs for resting homes. When Shatterjaw was insolent, he was placed in a port-a-potty and beaten with rapiers. Pretty standard, really..

edit Education and General Information

Dr. Shatterjaw graduated from the University of Madison Wisconsin with a pH of 7 (Magnus Cum Loud) in 1992. He then spent the next 8 years on a British TV show called "Scrubs and Crumpets" where he honed his humorous talents as well as his less-than-stellar skills with a scalpel. In early 2000 he went back to school to earn a M.S. in Afro-Eurasian Medical Studies. He then joined his brother, Dr. Beerstienalf Shatterjaw, at the German Institute for Medical Practices, and they formed the deadly (yikes) duo of Shatterjaw and Shatterjaw M.D. 's. They continue to practice as well as teach at a local German pub, The Blitzkrieg!! in Shtupenville, Austria.

edit Notable Surgery List and Other Mis-haps

  • One of Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw's very first operations was conducted live in the 1999 season finale of "Scrubs and Crumpets" where he performed a knee graft of a caveman. This was not only a turning point for his career, but a turning point for mankind as well. This caveman, named Donner, was the last known living of its species. It died during the operation. Millions of Europeans were watching as Dr. Shatterjaw uttered the now famous words, "Well that wasn't in the script!...". As Donner was confirmed dead minutes later, Shatterjaw could be seen still performing the operation as if Donner was still there. Shatterjaw had failed to realize that the show had cut to commercial break and that his acting career was soon to be over. This marked the last ever episode of "Scrubs and Crumpets", and the chance for Shatterjaw to go back to school and maybe do something useful with his life.
  • While doing doctor stuff in 2001, Shatterjaw apparently oversaw a wing of his hospital known as the Old Wing. If you hadn't guessed it, this wing was full of elderly people. On one occasion, Shatterjaw was doing some orderly deeds (bringing blankets, taking laundry, delivering food, etc.) when he came upon Mr. Meeley's room. Now Mr. Meeley was a 4 year veteran of the hospital. Shatterjaw took it upon himself to brush Mr. Meeley's teeth. The brushing commenced and Shatterjaw was feeling good about himself. But little did he know, Mr. Meeley was not so happy. For about a minute, Mr. Meeley was flailing like a little girl, trying to get Shatterjaw to stop. After a minute had elapsed, Shatterjaw began to notice something. He did not see or even feel any teeth in Mr. Meeley's mouth!! He stopped brushing. As he looked around the room in befuddlement, he noticed a glass of water...in that glass were Mr. Meeley's dentures! Dr. Randdallf then proceeded to say, "The glass...I didn't know they were in the glass.!.Did you know they were in the glass?!" Meeley sued and is now living comfortably in the Bethesda Navel Hospital.
  • His most notable surgery was briefly in national news in 2003. This surgery, known as "Sanity Check Surgery" was a series of nearly 20 operations performed by Dr. Shatterjaw while he himself was under an anesthetic. He is quoted as saying: "I don't really remember much of the surgeries, but I do remember getting to choose from a box of goodies at the end of it all! I chose a bouncy ball and a tooth brush!"
  • In late 2007, Randdallf was again in public news when he performed another daring surgery. Notable and aging German rugby star Brent Favrenhauuse needed to have arthroscopic surgery to repair a torn ligament in his lower ubulus. Being such a dangerous procedure, extra precautions were taken by Dr. Shatterjaw. He said of the surgery: "We need to be careful because if we aren't, bad things could happen to Brent's bulbus and stuff." Sources close to Randdallf say he meant to say ubulus, not bulbus. Anyway, the surgery which lasted a world record 100 hours nearly ended horribly when Dr. Shatterjaw was reportedly seen putting silly putty into the ligament area, putty that he had found on the floor! This error was quickly fixed when Dr. Beerstienalf Shatterjaw arrived and removed the putty and saved the day. He then proceeded to back-hand slap Randdallf like it was 1950.

edit Famous Quotations

“..bad things could happen to Brent's bulbus and stuff.”
~ Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw
“Well that wasn't in the script!...”
~ Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw
“The glass...I didn't know they were in the glass.!.Did you know they were in the glass?!”
~ Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw
“There's only so much I can purposefully ruin on accident!”
~ Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw
“What's a syringe?”
~ Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw
“Pshh. Urgent smurgent. I do surgery when I feel like it.”
~ Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw
“Killed em' !? Damn near rectum!”
~ Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw
“There was a silent, ear shattering sound that rattled through the bones of the hill. Some say this noise couldn't be heard for fear of enunciation. Others don't.”
~ Dr. Randdallf Shatterjaw

edit Notable Accomplishments and World Records

  • Most surgeries attempted, and we do mean attempted, while under an anesthetic (17)
  • Most deaths of patients over the career of a doctor (9+)
  • Most deaths of patients in one surgery session (9)
  • Most surgeries attempted in a session (17)
  • Longest surgery uncompleted by initial doctor (100 hours +)
  • Only doctor ever to put germ infested silly putty into an open body during operation
  • Killer of last caveman (Donner)
  • Only man to receive the title of richest man with the lowest IQ as well as richest man with an even lower IQ (2006 and 2007)
  • Most sued man of 1999, 2001, 2003, and 2007
  • Doctor sued most times over career (no official #)
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