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“The fastest road to obscurity is jerking off naked in the desert, spinning out on every pharmaceutical they give you for free, while compadres write your unauthorized biography on their iPads.”
“Is there any black cock in here?”
Douglas Verve Stanhope (born on December 25th, 1949) is an American grifter/comedian only British people know, Twitter troll/zombie, TSA child molestor of your kids you took to his weekend barbecue even when he warned you not to, founder of Baiting.Org [defunct] and Tor addict, and former three-time Korean World Heavyweight Beer Pong Champion. To date, he remains the only contestant to have won the San Francisco Comedy Competition and the K-Pop Seoul Heavyweight Beer Pong Championship three times in a row. Also known as “The Verve” or “Version Daddy,” Stanhope won a Olympic Free Style Rap gold medal in 2003. He was also crowned "Comedian of the Century" by a small group of drunken squatters in Death Valley, California after a four-day CIA mind control experiment known as MKULTRA.
Stanhope is known for a non-existent comedic style, which he describes as I Don’t Know, I’m Just Fucking With People with a beer in hand while smoking his lungs out. Throughout his career, he made a name for himself writing haiku poetry with WD-40, as well as having swift feet, taunting tactics, and bumbling buffoonery of crappy consonance and alliteration, a mnemonic device to remember his easy-to-forget jokes to crush his audience with. While Stanhope is renowned for his fast, sharp wit, he also has a great capacity for consuming massive amounts of alcohol, and sounding like a redneck even though he is from Boston. He also displays great courage in the ability to take a punch after yelling "FAGGOT!" at gay blacks and beer pong champions in the audience throughout his career.
edit Early Career and Olympic Gold
Stanhope was first directed towards standup comedy by an obscure blackjack dealer and sometime English professor in Las Vegas, Nevada named Brian Hennigan. At the time, the twelve-year-old-looking, twentysomething Stanhope was fuming over the fact that his bicycle had been stolen at his Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. However, Stanhope also began open mic with Fred Becker, an African-American amateur comedian working at a local community center. In this way, Stanhope could make $4 a week on Tomorrow's Comedians, a local TV show that Hennigan hosted, while benefiting from the LSD the more experienced Becker supplied. Both Hennigan and Becker continued working with “The Verve” throughout Stanhope's career by making Stanhope ingest beer pongs onstage while telling oneliners.
Stanhope’s last amateur show was at the Mic and Stool in Chicago. With faith in God and the booze necessary to attain faith, he began to charge club owners for his live performances as a Confirmed Capitalist and a Vasectomized Libertarian. After reading an unauthorized biography on Mahatma Gandhi, he then moved to Hollywood, California with three models from the show Girls Gone Wild. Inspired by the fact that Gandhi shared his bed for a number of years with two young women to test self-control, Stanhope was caught on video saying, “If Gandhi had two...I’ll fucking try three.” The actual audio on this clip was later re-dubbed by Joe Francis to say “Show me where babies feed!”
It is well known that Stanhope has never participated in any Olympic event, nor any Special Olympics event except on The Man Show. However, he has bet on Special Olympics competitions extensively in Las Vegas sports books, and often with fellow comedian Andy Andrist who always bets on the "kid wearing rubber boots [because] it's a wet track, he's a mudda, he looks like a mudda..."
edit Doug's Legacy
Stanhope now lives in the community of Warren in Bisbee, Arizona, USA. Practiced in the ways of Bushido from an old master, Stanhope invents new moves everyday and diagrams them in his spiral notebook. He works out on a punching bag, while subsisting on the meat of a bear. He keeps saying absurdly simple things on stage that seem obvious to the Alien Gate Keepers of Comedy, but no human wants to talk about it in real life, nor repeat his jokes in public.
Since it is illegal for aliens to have sex with humans, Stanhope and his alleged alien hybrid status has branded him a criminal in most of show business. In lieu of formal charges or an actual trial, Doug has agreed to live out his life sentence in Bisbee, though he does maintain an office on the Secret Moon Base in case the New World Order decides to exile him. Doug insists that locating his office on the moon was a logistical decision, and that he has no regular non-sexual interactions with women resembling MILFs on the streets of Bisbee.
Stanhope never seems to have a bad show or what most comics would call eating it. He is known to have coined the phrase "Eating It" one night while watching comedian James Inman in Kansas City at Famous Johnny's. Inman walked off the stage to a silent audience as Stanhope advised, "You were eating it up there". James asked, "What's up with that?" Stanhope said, "Eating it means you were pulling out your cock and bending down on yourself to 'bite' or 'consume' your own genitalia. The crowd reacted to your cock eating bit as a bored group of stoned snow boarders." Doug "The Verve Master" then climbed on stage, and began to rant on the Bible, death, the CIA, Cancer, God and all the different holes to fuck a woman and the crowd was whipped back into a frenzy. Later that night, Doug formed a group of "worthless" comedians called The Unbookables who, for some reason, were always booked in comedy clubs.
After the events of 9-11, Stanhope wrote a series of controversial jokes on terrorism about his mom putting on a backpack filled with dynamite, and blowing up a Subway sandwich shop because he couldn't order a breakfast sandwich. Usually, more than forty people walked out of each show. Soon thereafter, strange "fans" attended his performances wearing shiny black shoes and laughed at inappropriate times. It is believed that Stanhope had a COINTELPRO file as long as his right arm. It is common knowledge that more than half of all of Doug's "friends" are undercover TSA agents. Reviewers claim that this doesn't seem to have any effect at all on his comedy. Attempts from the United Nations have been made on Stanhope's life, but the situations were taken care of discretely and in a professional manner. He has hired and is protected around the clock by four ex-Navy Seals trained in counter-espionage who can take care of any situation, including Stanhope's tendency to induce uppercuts and haymakers to his own face from audience members.
edit The Panamint Festival
In 2002 Doug Stanhope was booked at a small one-nighter at an obscure ghost mining town in Death Valley called Panamint City. Very few people showed up at his first appearance, yet Stanhope vowed to come back every year until an Unidentified Flying Object landed, or someone died. The party grew exponentially each year and has now been declared a state holiday. One of the top destination cities voted by The Lonely Planet Travel Guide, Panamint City is a wide expanse of desert where one can hike miles from the nearest road until one finds a shack with no electricity and water, with a single outhouse. Located in the desert somewhere in Death Valley, attracting large numbers of party goers with the famous Panamint strip being closed to vehicles and buses for four days straight, the party is filled with fans, locals, celebrities and undercover narcotics officers.
For the past five years, the "Dropping of the Pig" from the top of the cell phone tower in Panamint, broadcast to all of America, is a major component of the Panamint celebration. The 11,875-pound (5,386 kg), 12-foot (3.7 m) diameter indoor pot bellied pig located high above Panamint is lowered, starting at 11:59:00pm and reaching the bottom of its tower 60 seconds later, at the stroke of midnight sometime in May (12:00:00am). It's referred to as "the big dead pig that Andy killed."
“Soon all I wanted to do was go out and get drunk”
“Go out and get drunk and take lots of drugs”
“Take lots of drugs and have lots of sex”
“Then go out and kill everyone in my neighborhood”
By this time, the crowd will begin dancing in circles high on a combination of alcohol and other drugs. This would go on until six in the morning. Most people were dressed up in space suits waiting for aliens and some just spin around singing "Elvis Costello is GOD" naked, praying for mushrooms, Mescaline or Ritalin. Some people go out of their minds until they are drinking urine while fornicating. Stanhope has been known to piss on people who stay on stage too long or start babbling incoherent gibberish, and then he himself stays on stage too long, babbling incoherent gibberish about Dr. Drew, the "Kill Grandma" trend, suicidal zombies in Bisbee, and conspiracy theories such as Norwegian stinkless pussy taking over the internet meme industry.
"Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again"
"I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here." (Stanhope handing pictures of his dead parents to Howard on The Howard Stern Show)
"She said, 'How you going to make that feel good for me?' So I said, 'right before I cum I'll stop punching you in the face'" (Now chanted by crowds during his shows)
"The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about."
"Come on everybody! Follow me over this cliff" (but not in a mean mass murderer way like Jim Jones. Just in the kind of way that you could do it as a goof.)
"Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit."
"I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns."
- ↑ A "Fight Club" water gun competition rumored to have taken place at an underground location in Bisbee, Arizona among grinning, naïve North Korean tourists
- ↑ Stanhope claims that the word "faggot" is just a sound you make with your mouth instead of using it for something else
- ↑ Doug Stanhope
- ↑ Most people know where he lives but no one actually goes there because he freaks the fuck out of everyone. His head is too big for his body. His legs are skinny and he doesn't really talk much. What's that mean? He's a fucking human-alien hybrid. And he doesn't even actually do jokes on stage. It's not like he's even talking sometimes. His lips don't move but everyone knows what he saying. It's telepathy or some shit like a Mr. Spock mind meld. The audience laughs because he sneaks into the crowd and pinches their neck somewhere.
- ↑ He still says whatever he wants on stage, which is something like saying the CIA uses Al Queda to bomb Syria
- ↑ Led by Dane Cook