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Why I'm better than you
I am better than you for many reasons. Take my perfect body. I bask in my superior physical glory like a Greek god. Just feel my six-pack abs. Go on. Feel. Feel my abs! Okay, that's enough. I don't want your lameness rubbing off on me. Anyway, I have an unbelievably great six-pack. Actually, it's more like an eight-pack. I'm just that awesome.
I have a big dick
My dick is gigantic. It's bigger than anyone else's. It's like someone attached an aluminum bat to my groin. Actually, it gets harder than an aluminum bat. Either way, it's big. Very big. You, on the other hand, have a extremely tiny penis. That's why you can't get a girlfriend. That and the fact that you're a loser. But I'm not. I'm cool. I can grow a mustache. You can't.
And I have big balls. It's like I have two basketballs stuffed in my scrotum. I'm serious. Girls love to lick them. Your mom was giving me head last night. I mean it. I can have any girl I want. I'm irresistible.
Yeah. I'm rich, too. I can buy things you can't. I don't have to even have a job. My daddy gets me whatever I want. Jobs are for poor people. You're no better than those things that cut my grass and can't afford to bathe. Oh, and those things are forced to eat my shit. They're desperate enough to do it. And I won't let them brush their teeth, either. It's really funny the way they scarf it down, no matter how much it stinks.
Hell, sometimes I put rat poison in the rainwater they drink. I love it when their mouths start to foam and they begin to scream for help (which of course never comes). Then, I force my butler (whichever one of the six who isn't busy washing my Lamborghini or washing my clothes, of course) to clean up and get rid of the body. Oh, I have six butlers. You can't even afford a single maid!
I have a pool full of money
Do you? Of course you don't. You're just a poor, worthless piece of shit. You'll never have what I have. You'd have to have sex before you could ever get it, but that'll never happen. You're a loser. No slut would ever go near you. And yeah, all women are sluts. I'm rich. I can say what I want. No one can stop me. The law is on my side. Not yours, though. You don't cause you are just a poor loser. Real men don't read books.
I bet you vote Democrat. Ha! You liberals don't even realize that the only way to have a strong economy is by giving tax cuts to oil companies and other big industries. That's why the economy was doing so great under President Bush. Surpluses are bad. Bill Clinton was bad.
And the middle class doesn't deserve tax cuts. Only us in the upper class. Quit whining.
When I brush my teeth
When I brush my perfectly aligned teeth, I use a mixture of puréed 50 dollar bills and virgin blood. Then, I fuck the virgins with my enormous penis. Did I mention I have a big dick? Yeah. It's fucking huge.
Last Saturday at the Homecoming game, my friend and I took a couple hos behind the school, got them drunk, and fucked them right on the field. They were both moaning when I stuck my manhood inside them. We taped it on my cellphone and uploaded it on my YouTube channel. We totally didn't have to pay to bang them, either.
What? The video isn't playing? Well, that must be because of how giant my penis is. It must have broken the server or something. I'm amazing.
You climbed Mount Kilimanjaro over the summer?
Oh yeah? Well... I've climbed Mount Everest... Twice! During a snowstorm... Yeah, the first time I climbed it, I was only five. AND I was by myself. The only reason I'm not in the Guinness Book of World Records is because I told them I don't want the whole book to be about me, so they have some other person listed as the hottest dude ever to climb to the top.
The second time was with some bitch. I fucked her right on the top of the Andes mountains. She screamed so loud that she caused an avalanche. In fact, I was wearing these exact white tube socks and listening to Justin Timberlake on my Bluetooth at the time. I had that Sexy Back song looped. By the way, I wrote that song. I'm friends with Justin, and he asked me if I'd write him a song. So I did. I wrote it about me, but it works for him, too.
Anything with a little "i" in front of it is a quality product. My iPhone kicks ass. Also, Twitter rules, despite what all you losers say. Now leave me alone. I want to play World of Warcraft, and you're in the way of my iPad. Not really. My iPad is bigger than your shitty little hovel. My iPad is as big as my dick. Did I mention that earlier? Yeah, my dick is huge.
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