Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice
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“This is exactly why I only order Blueberry Muffins from Starbucks.”
The Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is the longest possible order you could order at Starbucks. Once you have ordered this, you cannot order anything larger. It was ordered only once (in the late 1990's), and it singlehandedly destroyed the economy of South America and came quite close to plummeting the world into a second Ice Age. It is now illegal in both American Continents, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Antarctica. In fact, it's now illegal everywhere except for a select few unclaimed inches in the Southern Pacific Ocean. The United Nations are working on this problem even as you read this.
- Enough Sugar to feed all of the North African starving children we keep hearing so much about.
- Enough Caffeine to kill fully grown polar bears.
- Enough Uranium to supply North Korea with a 50 year supply of Nukes.
- Enough Solar power to supply the United States for... oh, five seconds. You thought we would say, what, a year? The United States is freakin' huge, man!
- Enough newsworthiness to still be the headliner if the end of the world, 9/11, Y2K, and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's divorce all happened on the same day it occurred.
The Time it was Ordered
A man approaches a Starbucks with nothing but three full checkbook and his clothes. Cold. Calculating. This man has done his math. He's "cracked" the Starbucks code, if you will. He is going to order the largest Starbucks order possible. His name is Dane Johnson.
Dane Earl Johnson, Jr., was the insane man who ordered the deadly concoction. An aging, eccentric billionaire with a bleak outlook on life, Dane wanted one last sick, cheap thrill before he kicked the Bucket Eternal. And so, one fateful Thursday afternoon in December of 1997, he approached a small town Starbucks in a sleepy Montana town. He dramatically entered into the restaurant with an uncanny air of gravitas and resolve. He strolled up to the cashier, a 24 year old female by the name of Emily Huckabone. He casually ordered a Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice. And a raisin scone.
All Hell broke loose then and there.
The workers employed at the Starbucks were trained for such a day, but could never be ready. To them, it was an obscure warning footnote in an unread employee manual. They panicked, and contacted Starbucks HQ. Within 24 Hours, every Starbucks in the nation was set to work on the drink. With the exception of the virtual closing of every Starbucks in the country, and the mass riots and killings by caffeine-less office workers that ensued, the 3-month project passed without much relative notice. But then, the thinkable happened. The imaginable. The predictable. The inevitable. Colombia's economy collapsed.
Colombia's Economy Collapses
Colombia had run out of the precious coffee bean; without it, no coffee. That rattled North America and Europe's economy. Shortly afterwards, the elaborate and complicated Cocaine empire of Colombia fell down in a heap. South America completely imploded. Nearly 62% of everyone in the Western Hemisphere south of Mexico began suffering from withdrawal.
The Drink is Completed
For a long time it seemed that there was no hope. People the world over were dying from starvation, dehydration, and, without Caffeine and Cocaine, people were falling asleep and then dying of withdrawal. A second depression seemed inevitable, and pockets of people throughout the world began futilely and stupidly purchasing copious amounts of Antidepressants to combat the economic crash. Fresh water was depleting, and whatever was left had to be harvested for The Great Cause. All seemed hopeless. The World was burning before Humanity's very eyes, but Humanity was not pleased.
In one, glorious, last-ditch effort to serve Dane Johnson his drink, the world began using salt water. Not only was it cheaper, more abundant, and tastier, but it just might kill Dane Johnson. It looked like things wouldn't turn out as bad as they looked. Except for Africa, which had always been a gaping shithole. And then, one bright, sunny Monday morning in October of 1998, Dane Johnson died of a stroke at the age of 83. The very next day, his drink was completed.
No one knew what to do with it. Starbucks followed their policy of placing-the-unclaimed-order-on-the-counter-for-someone-to-claim-it. This was ineffective for weeks on end, and Dane still did not pick up his drink. To this day, the drink has remained unclaimed. Sort of an embarrassment, really. We got ourselves so worked up over serving some asshole the world's biggest coffee, and then he dies. No wonder no one wanted to claim it. It was, essentially, a big figurative coffee stain on the Big Book of World History.
So, the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice affair eventually quieted down, and the mass media looked for their next titular "Flavor of the Month". However, no one would forget the ravaging effects of that day, except for those unfortunate few inflicted with Alzheimer's. Humanity, blinded by obsession, stared down the loaded Gun of Annihilation, which was for a moment held by a beverage with an incredulously long name. Yet, fate is a fickle mistress. And just when it looked like a Drink, of all things (nonalcoholic, too!), was about to pop a cap in Humanity's cheeky red ass, fate did a backwards somersault through the air, only to knock that very Gun of Doom from Coffee's uncleanly hands. Humankind is safe... for now...
One question still remains. Where is this enigmatic drink now?
Conspiracy Theorists the world over agree - The United States government "covered up" the drink, and have hidden it in a top secret military base somewhere in New Mexico. "Yeah, absolutely. No questions asked," says a top Conspiracy Theorologist, who asked that his identity be kept anonymous, "They seized the drink due to its deadly capabilities. No doubt they're thousands, maybe millions of miles underground right now, examining and probing it even as we speak." Despite the fact that Heral- I mean, our anonymous expert sounds so assured that his theory is accurate, one damaging shred of evidence to the contrary remains - The drink still resides at the Starbucks from which it was brewed. When asked about this, our anonymous expert responded "Piddily-Squash and Danderbruff! They've taken it away to a secret underground facility. The one still at the restaurant is a decoy. They think they can fool me. I'll show them. I'll blow the lid on this whole thing..." He then walked away from our interviewer, mumbling something about "Can't stay in one place too long. They'll kill me. You know. Them." Our interviewer reportedly went home and had a steaming hot shower.
Some people believe that the drink was not actually not the longest possible Starbucks order, and is missing only one crucial ingredient - a cherry on top. This would mean that the longest possible Starbucks order is, theoretically, a Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice AND a Cherry on Top. Still, in the coming months this theory is predicted to be squashed when more physicists research the drink. "Eet eez ahrgued dat da shehrry own tohp would neegate da ehxeesteence of da dreenk," foreign physics analyst Dr. Đùşśąŀəĥøæß argued in his thick Stanistanian accent, "So, ahllthoogh da eemageenation cahnn fink dat derr cood be a shehrry own tohp of da dreenk, eet may noht be pheeseecly pohssahble."