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“So what. I was a double dragon at the age of 5.”
Double Dragon was once the greatest thing to happen to China since rice. From the Parts Unknown Region of Northern Mongolia, D.D
defecated decaffeinated defected from the country at an early age. Raised in the back alleys of Mongolia City, Double quickly learned the arts of Ninjitsu, flying, and tying his own shoes.
Growing up in Mongolia City (known affectionately by it's residents as "Crap Town", or "WarVille", Double had to watch out for those who could not stand his dual dragon nature. Many groups of people, including the Mongolian We Are Not Communist Party Party (MWANCPP), soon found a way to unite the people under a flag of nationalism and dragon hatred. Three days after The Flag went up over the Capitol building, Double fled WarVille to the northern steppes. With an army of Mongoloids behind, he jumped the Great Wall ("It's not that great." He was quoted as saying), he reared up on his back four legs and two tails, and let out a mighty bellow of smoke, wind and fire. The savagery of the defensive maneuver has, to this day, to be matched.
His Middle Ages
When the Chinese saw what Double had done for them, both showing them that the Great Wall needed to be higher so no more things could jump over it, and also crushing his enemies, driving them before him, and hearing the lamentations of their women, they rejoiced. Kittens got huffed (or eaten with delicious soy sauce), junk got crazy, and pandelireum spread as the Chows found their new folk hero, a folk hero who just happened to be able to fly and breathe flames. Yeah!!!!
The Great Scandal
After years of fighting lawlessness and bad breath in the rural areas and cities alike, Double decided to hold The Mighty Peace Meeting. Everyone was invited, but had to bring their own peace proposals and weed. Double brought the folding chairs. With the leaders of every great (and some not-so-great) nations present, the meeting was underway. The first three days went without hassle, until Winston Churchill plugged the toilet with a most foul and grotesque movement. He was immediately eaten by Double. The peace process was over, everybody went home, and Double once again had to flee his homeland.
Dressed as an illegal alien, Double escaped to America, the land of opportunity and fat people. It was here, in 1897, that he ran into a game developer for a system called Nintendo. Double told this game developer his story, and was granted a three game contract. Although the game had a cult following, it failed to highlight the drama which had followed him around since birth. It also left out his affair with Lindsey Lohan, the crazy bitch.
So, anyway, after the games came out and people played them, Double was lounging at his house one afternoon, drinking Singapore slings with mescal on the side. His phone rang, and, soon after, had a two season contract for a sitcom, played Wednesdays and Thursdays on CBS. The show would run between American Idolatry and Survivor: Holocaust.
Soon after the TV show made its debut, Double new he had found a new home.
The Video Game
In the late 1980s, Konami created a video game for the arcades (later ported to the NES and the inferior shitty version of a NES) about two brothers who held the power of the dragon, The double dragon. Their mission was to save their girlfriend, which the game referred to as "Trick Ho". The game was banned in 9 continents for it's racial slurs, actual images of people being murdered, and the taunting slogan "There can only be one!" (which caused the massive killing spree of 1990). Today, if you're caught with the game, you will be raped with a broom stick and beat on the chin with an eraser until you die.