HowTo:Replace bread with something else

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Friendlys-Grilled-Cheese-BurgerMelt
Friendly's decided to stop America's obesity problem by selling a sandwich with sandwiches instead of bread.

Recently, many restaurant chains have been replacing the bread in their sandwiches with other things. This fad started with KFC's Double Down, a bacon, cheese, and mayonnaise sandwich (something that would be gross on its own) with fried chicken instead of bread. Soon after, Friendly's released a sandwich with entire grilled cheese sandwiches replacing the bread (See Right). Although everyone pretty much agreed that this was a bad idea, some people began to wonder how they could make similar disgusting sandwiches. Luckily, replacing bread with something else can be accomplished in just three easy steps.

Replacing Bread with Something Else in Three Easy Steps

Replacing bread
Three Easy Steps
  • Step 1-Make a sandwich[1] (Fig. 1)
  • Step 2-Remove bread (Fig. 2)
  • Step 3-Place something else where the bread previously was (Fig. 3)

For the more advanced sandwich makers, try making the sandwich without bread and then complete Step 3.

What to Replace Bread With

There are two distinct categories of things to replace bread with. The first is the meats and fats group, which would include the Double Down. The second is the carbs that are not bread group. This includes Friendly's sandwich with other sandwiches instead of bread.

The Meats and Fats Group

The meats and fats group is based around foods that are meaty or fatty (or in the case of the Double Down, both). Good meats to use include steak, chicken, and fish fillets, since they are all extremely easy to hold. Something that would fall apart in your hands (i.e. chili) can also be used, but a lot of napkins will be necessary. Make sure you use the cheapest, worst quality meat you can find so you will be able to sell your Frankenstein of a creation at prices as low as 99 cents each (or, if you're greedy, $1). If you want to concentrate more on fats than on meats, use a thick, gelatinous lard that will stick to the inside of the sandwich instead of falling off. Pig and goose lard works the best, but if you want to make a statement, use goat or cow lard to add a zesty, southwestern kick.

The Carbs that are Not Bread Group

The carbs that are not bread group includes all carbs except for bread (i.e. pizza, donuts, cinnabons, and the like). It also includes "messy carbs," such as spaghetti, mashed potatoes, and risotto. For "messy carbs," another carb may be needed to keep the sandwich intact. Try wrapping the "messy carb" in a pancake or crepe. This will create a tasty new sandwich with double the carbs and therefore double the flavor. You could also hold the "messy carb" in place with something from the meats and fats group. Since mashed potatoes are traditionally served with filet mignon, you might want to stuff a piece of tenderloin with potatoes to create a more proper, classy sandwich (especially if you're replacing the bread from a steak sandwich). After you make a sandwich using something from the carbs that are not bread group, top the whole thing with cheese to make it extra tasty.

What Not to Replace Bread With

Double down
Never replace bread with doody because... oh wait, this is KFC. Never mind.

There are several things you should never replace bread with. First, never replace bread with a different kind of bread. This includes pita, hot dog buns, toast, kaiser rolls, and crumpets, as well as raisin bread, bread pudding, sweetbreads, or anything else with bread in its name. Second, don't replace bread with liquids or gases, partly due to this being physically impossible. Liquids like water, grape juice, milk, and Pepsi, and gases like nitrogen, oxygen, helium, and argon just don't lend themselves to replacing bread. Rather, try ice, frozen grape juice, ice cream, popsicles, solid nitrogen, solid oxygen, helium cubes, and argon chunks. Third, never use something that is not food to replace bread. Things that are inedible but are still foods (i.e. Chicken McNuggets) can be used to replace bread, but something that is both inedible and not food should never be used. Things that are not food include but are not limited to: office supplies, computers, books, dead people, raw sewage, means of transportation, ketchup bottles (just the bottles, the ketchup itself can be used to replace bread), chess sets, glue, explosives, sports equipment, clothing, rocks, feces, furniture, and silverware.

Variations

The McBread, the Opposite of the Double Down

McBread
The McBread in all its glory. Looks tasty, doesn't it?

Soon after the release of the Double Down, McDonalds released a sandwich with the inside replaced with something else. This sandwich, called the McBread, consisted of two buns with a piece of wonder bread in between. The sandwich was advertised with the slogan, "Ya know how KFC put what's supposed to go on the inside of the sandwich on the outside? Well, we've done the opposite!" Although the company spent millions on the advertising campaign, the McBread was a disaster since only picky eaters would buy the sandwich. Eventually, the McBread was discontinued, and the top secret recipe was revealed to the world:

What you need to make the McBread

  • One hamburger bun
  • One slice wonder bread
  • Butter (optional)

Place the bottom of the bun on a plate. Add butter to taste. Gently place the slice of wonder bread on the bottom of the bun. Add the top of the bun. Cut the sandwich in half. Take one bite. Throw the whole thing away.

Replacing Bagels with Something Else

Another variation involves taking a bagel with cream cheese or jelly and replacing the bagel with something else. The most popular substitutions for bagels include fatty meats like bacon and roast duck in orange sauce. Seafood like shrimp scampi and spicy tuna can also be used to replace bagels. To replace a bagel with something else, simply follow the regular instructions, only replace the word "bread" with "bagel." If you can't do this mentally, write it down. It is advised you do not try to replace bagels with something else until you can successfully replace bread with something else, for replacing bagels is much more complicated (After all, you have to replace words with other words... That's hard). Once you become an expert at replacing bagels with something else, try the even more complicated act of replacing pizza crust with something else as Pizza Hut has done several times. Its Cheesy Bites Pizza, a pizza where the crust is replaced with weird, cheesy bread chunklets, has sold millions. Then, try replacing whatever you want with something else. Who knows? Maybe your own weird creation will become a hit, and you might actually cash in on making people fat.

Footnotes

  1. To make a sandwich, place a piece of bread on a plate; add meats, cheeses, and veggies; and top with another piece of bread. For more information click here.

See Also

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