Double Butter Theory

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Cat toast

Murphy's Law, Finagle's corollary states:

If something can go wrong, it will
If you throw a slice of toast with butter into the air, it will always fall with the buttered side down

Cats conservation law states:

A cat will always land on its foots.

Double Buttered Toast Theory is a development of the well understood Cat-Toast Device first demonstrated by Oscar Wilde who tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and then dropped it from the top of the Leaning Tower of Pizza. The cat-toast hybrid fell at the constant acceleration of gravity until it stopped to hover just above the ground. Both substances wanted to hit the ground first but cancelled each other out. In the standard model the cat-toast hybrid revolves round the components' common axis trying to achieve equilibrium. If harnessed, this rotation could provide a cheap, limitless (though possibly noisy) energy source.

DBT Theory

The Double Butter Theory deviates from the standard model in that it dispenses with the need for the cat. Theoretically a piece of toast (or any other toastlike or quasi-toastlike substance), spread with "equal" amounts of butter on both sides would achieve the same result without the need to hide the experiments from animal welfare organisations, feed the cat, or deal with the obvious problems inherent in having cats poop while revolving at phenomenally high speeds.


The main difficulty experienced with experimenters in this field is the problem of getting exactly equal amounts of butter on each side of the toast. Any discrepancy between the quantities of butter applied and the toast merely falls on the side with the least amount of butter on it.

The obvious path that experimenters have been following is to work on very small slices of toast with carefully weighed butter portions applied evenly and simultaneously to both sides. (Usually butter is frozen to minus 3000 degrees Celsius using liquid Nitrogen and then precisely sliced used a very very small bacon slicer before application) but even these experiments have proved to have a margin of error so large as to make any practical application unworkable.

Future Developments


Experiments are scheduled for the winter of 2010 at CERN's Large Hardon Collider in Switzerland in which two simultaneous streams of Buttermilk Ions will be fired at toast particles less than three atoms in size[1]. (Three toast molecules is theoretical limit for a slice; less than three molecules constitutes a crumb which, obviously, has no sides and therefore is, by its very nature, unbutterable in any meaningful sense.) If successful the first practical working cat-free anti-gravity device is expected to be built within seven years.

Protests against these experiments have been made by many who fear the remote (but theoretically possible) chance that the experiment will lead to an uncontrollable chain reaction forming the creation of a so-called Brown Hole and the release of vast quantities of dangerous subatomic radiation - mostly in the form of the never before seen Hinks Bo'sun, Hardon, and Ineverpromisedyouarosegardon particles.

Fears that the activation of the Large Hardon Collider will mean an irreparable rending of the Space Time Continuum, the end of all life on earth, and the cancellation of several important sporting fixtures were dismissed by CERN as, "The sort of thing killjoys would say when given the opportunity to blow up something really big."

Double Butter Theory in Fiction

Many hard Science Fiction writers have jumped on the DBT (and some of the namby-pamby ones too when the hard ones let them near the ideas bucket). Most notably the theory was explained in mind numbing detail by David Niven in his famous Ringworld A Go-Go (aka Hoola-Hoops of the Gods') in which Lois Wooo, the hero of the previous fifteen increasingly tedious novels, returns in a revolutionary new ship powered by the equally revolutionary Toastatic Drive, to the mysterious Ringworld of the title.


^  1. Probably Molecules of Toastium 386, which, apart from being the most stable of all the transtaostatic atoms, it's the one that tastes nicest.

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