Dork

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Micpat
Typical dorks.

A dork (also known as a person called Roger), from the French dormir (to sleep), is a short nap taken on a hard surface. The subject wakes up rested but with an IQ reduced by 10 points and a bruise on the head. The IQ scale is normally defined without the bruise to reduce confusion. The word has passed into mistaken parlance as meaning "someone who has dorked," due to the proliferation of people who have succumbed to the disease. It is important to point out that 'dorks' were not always morons but just had an accident with the cutting board, and we should all treat them with the same common decency we lend all human beings (minus the voting rights).

Dork causes

Mega Dork
A mega-dork, more dorkier than a mere dork...

All incidents of dorkiness are caused by head trauma. This may happen in an infinite variety of unlikely but nevertheless hilarious ways. For example:

  • Subject steps in a bucket of washing water that has become moist on the bottom, slides sideways, tips over a chair, hits his or her head on it.
  • Subject drops a banana peel in the kitchen, slips on it. Catches the edge of a countertop, but sets foot accidentally in a bucket of washing water that has become moist on the bottom. Slides sideways and becomes entangled in a chair, which falls over. Subject tumbles down the adjacent stairwell and whams his or her head on the side-table at the bottom.
  • Subject slips on a banana peel and faceplants.
  • Subject slips on a device designed to destroy the equilibrium of one who stands on it, and faceplants in the concrete of a skateboard park.
  • Subject falls asleep at the wheel and nods forward, triggering the airbag. Boooosh!
  • Subject is accidentally mistaken for a crash-test dummy.
  • Subject is exposed to first-aid training for third graders. Such training should only be given to schoolchildren at an adequate level, i.e. first graders.
  • Subject lives around metapointy(TM) objects.
  • Subject takes a long dive into a shallow swimming-pool.
  • Subject takes a long drop into a shallow gene-pool.
  • Subject is cranially molested by a predatory dolphin.
  • Subject is hit over the head with a frozen turkey.

For some pointy-headed kids even repeated taps on the forehead with the middle finger are enough to cause self-inflicted terminal dorkiness

Pathology

The Fat Alf Kid
Coffee table. 43 min. A pity.

The blow to the head destroys the nervic limbous system, rendering the brain unable to radiate heat as it should. Results in the buildup of harmful Chi in the Chakra region (Lunar Plexus). Gamma waves become excessively steady. Victim's heart starts beating the intelligence right out of the body.

Avoision

The best defense against dorking is to avoid all objects with sharp corners, like books, computers, model train sets, soldering irons, Dungeons and Dragons tables, and pencil protectors. In addition, an individual should positively stimulate his upper chakras with baseball, puttsmanship, and running competitions. Also, headbutting has controversially been proposed as a method of increasing the brain's cooling ability. When in doubt ask your mom

Koch-Uberhangens controversy

In 2010, a study by the eminent Dutch sociologist Dr. Yossje Koch-Uberhangens revealed that the dorkiest people in existence are black British people (known as BBPs). In a worldwide survey, BBPs scored 98% on the Koch-Uberhangens scale, 5% ahead of white South Africans, the second dorkiest group surveyed.

In a tragic turn of events, when the results were published several thousand BBPs were admitted to hospital suffering from extreme indignance, with 82 sadly dying due to a fatal withering of the ego. A spokesperson for the BBP community, Professor Jermaine Bumwater of Cambridge university, said that the tragedy could have been avoided if not for a crucial misunderstanding occurring several decades ago; Professor Bumwater said, "It seems that all this time we BBPs have been thinking of ourselves as British black people, but it turns out that we are in fact black British people, meaning that we are technically a kind of British people, not a kind of black people. We have been cruelly misled into thinking we were cool, like all them American black people off the telly, when in fact we are significantly dorkier than everyone else. It is now vitally important that the government put in place an educational initiative to make young black people in the UK aware of quite how dorky they look and sound, so that any further suffering can be avoided, know what I'm sayin' blood."

The validity of the Koch-Uberhangens scale findings have been questioned by some on the left, and Dr. Koch-Uberhangens has on several occasions strenuously denied that his studies are racist. "We Dutch are very laid back and open-minded about race," he is quoted as saying in an interview in the Guardian. "In fact, just about the only thing that gets me angry is casual racism - in particular, I get so mad when I hear people referring to black people as monkeys. You know, it's not just offensive, it's actually so far from the truth. I mean, when was the last time these people actually went to the zoo and looked at a monkey? If they did they would see that the skin colour, the bone structure, is totally different. Black people just do not look like monkeys at all, period. Korean people look like monkeys, black people look like gorillas."


See also

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